There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over, somehow.
New profile posts
Remember, kids, you can't spell "advertisements" without semen between the tits.
Doesn't know why he still bothers.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Postmodernism - is it nihilism for narcissists, or narcissism for nihilists?
Look out! The anorgasmic are comi- wait, no, false alarm. They're not.
Knowing what a CHA modifier is, is apparently a negative CHA modifier.
Why do people get excited for Pi day (3/14)? It's completely irrational.
I have two settings: "Sleep is for the weak" and "Sleeping for a week."
If your GF/Wife has a friend you find annoying, simply mention offhandedly at random that the friend is pretty. Problem will solve itself.
Bork the Viking
Fee Fee Fi Fi Fo Fo Fum, I smell smoke in the au-di-to-ri-um
Interior crocodile alligator. I drive a Chevrolet movie theater.
Make guns illegal! Because it worked so well for drugs, right?
One of the difficult things about being single again is trying to find a good reason to shower on days I don't go in to work.
You ever just feel like a gooey wad of festering, caustic venom encased in a candy shell of politeness and amiability?
Every corpse on Everest was once an extremely motivated person. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
That one rogue hair on your forehead that shows you where your hairline used to be. When it grows out, it's like running into an awkward ex.
Missing the option to rename myself
People my age get so worked up about Star Wars because they've been making payments on it since they were kids but they'll never own it.
My 8-year old made me watch Guardians of the Galaxy twice yesterday & wants to go to the family Christmas party as a Christmas Groot.
I work nights so I'll probably be posting at obscene hours.
"Don't call me racist until you've tried taking Korean clients to a Japanese restaurant." -Overheard in a Goldman Sachs elevator
Reeled back in. So many threads to go through.
"Political Correctness is fascism pretending to be manners." - George Carlin
We come to steal your socks.
oh. I thought you were gonna say they can both blow your brains out
Women are like guns - they recoil when I hold them.
Telling someone to suck your dick is passe. Telling someone to suck BOTH your dicks, however, will catch them off guard. Way more effective.
I don't think people appreciate how much effort I put into not becoming a serial killer.
If you're not the one paying for something, you're what's being sold. Expect to be treated as their product, not a customer.
I'd put up with no blowjobs if she spent her money on me
Taylor Swift has 100 songs about guys leaving her and 0 songs about blowjobs. I think we all see correlation here.
Hollow. So Hollow