So my Boyfriend is Caucasian White
- Thread starter Naiwen
- Start date
So with time, they will come to accept him?
Well, it would help if we knew your race, and thus their race, as well as location and culture.
I'm going to guess that you're in an asian country? If they're hardcore oldschool asian, then no, they probably won't, but at least they'll stop talking about it.
I'm Asian and so are my parents. My parents are very judgemental and somewhat traditional-minded people.
This is a likely outcome. If you are in the US and your parents immigrated here, then you have a better chance of them eventually coming to accept him. But no matter what, there's no magic bullet to solve the problem. It will take time and patience.
I'm a Chinese living in Canada, and my parents have a very traditional mindset about dating and they don't want me dating White guys, but I'm attracted to them and not to Asian guys.
I think it helped my Chinese fiance's parents accept me because I understood the culture and could speak to them in their own language. I don't think it ever crossed their mind their daughter would be dating a white guy (especially since she doesn't really speak English herself) and it came as a bit of a shock. Heck, maybe all your boyfriend needs to do is come over with some Zhongnanhai and a bottle of baijiu.
Although, since you're in Canada, this may be less helpful.--but I've dealt with "traditional" parents for the greater part of a decade, and yes, the best advice is to just wear them down. Eventually they'll figure out they can't win.
Hi there. I'm from Taiwan, and I have two younger sisters living in London. Next month, they're both going to marry Caucasian British men.
At first, my parents were against the idea of them dating Westerners. So was I, for a while. There were several reasons for this:
1. There's no use beating about the bush, part of it's down to simple racism. We are uncomfortable with the idea of our daughters and sisters marrying men of other races, because we felt it was weird. Unnatural. Disconcerting. This was despite our having lived in the US and the UK for many years, and on the whole having absolutely no problem coexisting with other races. White, black, Hispanic, Middle Eastern etc, we were okay hanging out with all of them. But when it came to love and marriage, suddenly it hit too close to home. It felt odd.
2. Part of it was due to my parents not wanting to marry their daughters off to a faraway land. You say you have traditional parents, so I'm guessing you're familiar with the popular Asian concept of "losing" a daughter when she gets married. The daughter is seen as part of the husband's family now. This is reflected in parts of the traditional Chinese marriage ceremony, as well as cultural norms such as the expectation that the bride would move in with the husband's family. My parents were uncomfortable with the idea of both of their daughters moving to London and staying there permanently, instead of marrying in Taiwan and thus staying (relatively) close to home.
3. In addition to the physical distance, marrying a Westerner would also cause other distances. There's the language barrier, for example. Very few people in our extended family speak English. There's the cultural barrier, never knowing whether what you're doing would be considered offensive to these strange foreigners. There are differences in protocol, in etiquette, in political and religious alignments, and in basic mentalities to almost every imaginable situation. These people are just so different, and marrying them just seems like a huge hassle.
4. This is sort of an extension of points 1 and 3 above. There's a slight cultural stigma in Taiwan regarding Taiwanese girls marrying foreigners. Taiwanese society, on the whole, is still relatively isolated, monocultural, and xenophobic. Girls who date Westerners are seen as fashion-chasing hussies, sleeping around with Caucasian men just because it's the cool thing to do. There's also a feeling of, "What, your own race isn't good enough for you? You snob." How much of these perceptions are based in reality is debatable, but undoubtedly it's unfair to paint all of these girls as phonies just out for a thrill.
Now, I don't know the details of your situation, and I'm not trying to pry, so I can only share my experiences and give you some general advice. For the first issue, it eventually took time. My parents and I got to know these guys better, and eventually accepted them as individuals rather than faceless Caucasian men. They both have their own strengths, weaknesses, personal quirks. My elder sister's marrying a guy with a bit of British noble blood in him. On the whole he's a decent enough fellow, he knows Chinese so he can communicate with our family, although he can also be a bit of an idiot at times, especially in social situations. My youngest sister's marrying a software engineer, he takes good care of her (she has a few health issues) in his humble, loyal, bumbling way. They're both all right.
For the second issue, we simply learned to accept it. Daughters get married and move away all the time in our culture. So they're only going to visit every few years, that's not too bad. We have the Internet now, we can keep in touch with email and Facebook and Skype. We can still be there for important events, such as the birth of children or major illnesses.
For the third and fourth issue, we learned to say "fuck it." Cultural gaps can be overcome as long as everyone stays respectful. We might not always be interested in learning or integrating into a foreign culture, but at least we can be respectful and not act like dicks. As for the societal stigma as a whole, fuck them. They don't know us, they don't know my sisters, they don't know their husbands. If people on the street want to give them dirty looks for holding hands with Caucasian men, then that reflects badly on the idiots on the street, not on my sisters.
All of this took time. That's what I think I should emphasize most. The elder sister was with her boyfriend for over ten years before they decided to get married, while my youngest sister was with her boyfriend for about five years. It takes time for people to get over their prejudices. It also requires a willingness to overcome the said prejudices, which again can take time to develop. It takes time to see these men as people, instead of anonymous barbarians here to abscond with our daughters. It takes time to appreciate the challenges, and to formulate strategies to defeat them.
Don't think this will be a quick or easy process. And don't try to push your parents before they're ready. That'll just cause the opposite effect, they'll hunker down and dislike your boyfriend even more. Have your boyfriend be the best possible boyfriend he can be, because believe me your parents will find any excuse to nitpick any issue they can find. ("Oh he drinks beer? You don't want to marry a drunkard! Oh he's a bit overweight? He can't even look after his own health, how can he look after you? Oh his job pays less than seven figures? You can do better than that! Oh he's trying to convince you to switch careers? He's such a bad influence!")
I wish I could tell you that there's a sure-fire route to success, but there isn't. I've seen other girls, some in my own family, who have tried to get their families to accept "unacceptable" husbands, and were forced to break up, or were outright disowned. Sometimes some people just don't want to let go of their preconceptions. Sometimes people just don't want to change.
Good luck, and please feel free to PM me if there's anything else you want to talk about.
At first, my parents were against the idea of them dating Westerners. So was I, for a while. There were several reasons for this:
1. There's no use beating about the bush, part of it's down to simple racism. We are uncomfortable with the idea of our daughters and sisters marrying men of other races, because we felt it was weird. Unnatural. Disconcerting. This was despite our having lived in the US and the UK for many years, and on the whole having absolutely no problem coexisting with other races. White, black, Hispanic, Middle Eastern etc, we were okay hanging out with all of them. But when it came to love and marriage, suddenly it hit too close to home. It felt odd.
2. Part of it was due to my parents not wanting to marry their daughters off to a faraway land. You say you have traditional parents, so I'm guessing you're familiar with the popular Asian concept of "losing" a daughter when she gets married. The daughter is seen as part of the husband's family now. This is reflected in parts of the traditional Chinese marriage ceremony, as well as cultural norms such as the expectation that the bride would move in with the husband's family. My parents were uncomfortable with the idea of both of their daughters moving to London and staying there permanently, instead of marrying in Taiwan and thus staying (relatively) close to home.
3. In addition to the physical distance, marrying a Westerner would also cause other distances. There's the language barrier, for example. Very few people in our extended family speak English. There's the cultural barrier, never knowing whether what you're doing would be considered offensive to these strange foreigners. There are differences in protocol, in etiquette, in political and religious alignments, and in basic mentalities to almost every imaginable situation. These people are just so different, and marrying them just seems like a huge hassle.
4. This is sort of an extension of points 1 and 3 above. There's a slight cultural stigma in Taiwan regarding Taiwanese girls marrying foreigners. Taiwanese society, on the whole, is still relatively isolated, monocultural, and xenophobic. Girls who date Westerners are seen as fashion-chasing hussies, sleeping around with Caucasian men just because it's the cool thing to do. There's also a feeling of, "What, your own race isn't good enough for you? You snob." How much of these perceptions are based in reality is debatable, but undoubtedly it's unfair to paint all of these girls as phonies just out for a thrill.
Now, I don't know the details of your situation, and I'm not trying to pry, so I can only share my experiences and give you some general advice. For the first issue, it eventually took time. My parents and I got to know these guys better, and eventually accepted them as individuals rather than faceless Caucasian men. They both have their own strengths, weaknesses, personal quirks. My elder sister's marrying a guy with a bit of British noble blood in him. On the whole he's a decent enough fellow, he knows Chinese so he can communicate with our family, although he can also be a bit of an idiot at times, especially in social situations. My youngest sister's marrying a software engineer, he takes good care of her (she has a few health issues) in his humble, loyal, bumbling way. They're both all right.
For the second issue, we simply learned to accept it. Daughters get married and move away all the time in our culture. So they're only going to visit every few years, that's not too bad. We have the Internet now, we can keep in touch with email and Facebook and Skype. We can still be there for important events, such as the birth of children or major illnesses.
For the third and fourth issue, we learned to say "fuck it." Cultural gaps can be overcome as long as everyone stays respectful. We might not always be interested in learning or integrating into a foreign culture, but at least we can be respectful and not act like dicks. As for the societal stigma as a whole, fuck them. They don't know us, they don't know my sisters, they don't know their husbands. If people on the street want to give them dirty looks for holding hands with Caucasian men, then that reflects badly on the idiots on the street, not on my sisters.
All of this took time. That's what I think I should emphasize most. The elder sister was with her boyfriend for over ten years before they decided to get married, while my youngest sister was with her boyfriend for about five years. It takes time for people to get over their prejudices. It also requires a willingness to overcome the said prejudices, which again can take time to develop. It takes time to see these men as people, instead of anonymous barbarians here to abscond with our daughters. It takes time to appreciate the challenges, and to formulate strategies to defeat them.
Don't think this will be a quick or easy process. And don't try to push your parents before they're ready. That'll just cause the opposite effect, they'll hunker down and dislike your boyfriend even more. Have your boyfriend be the best possible boyfriend he can be, because believe me your parents will find any excuse to nitpick any issue they can find. ("Oh he drinks beer? You don't want to marry a drunkard! Oh he's a bit overweight? He can't even look after his own health, how can he look after you? Oh his job pays less than seven figures? You can do better than that! Oh he's trying to convince you to switch careers? He's such a bad influence!")
I wish I could tell you that there's a sure-fire route to success, but there isn't. I've seen other girls, some in my own family, who have tried to get their families to accept "unacceptable" husbands, and were forced to break up, or were outright disowned. Sometimes some people just don't want to let go of their preconceptions. Sometimes people just don't want to change.
Good luck, and please feel free to PM me if there's anything else you want to talk about.
I promise to sleep with you like a shameless hussy.
I promise to not call you after.
I promise not to be in the closet filming this encounter.
I promise not to release the video on my revengeporn site: www.grossthingsyousawyourparentsdo.com
Not to take this in a different direction, but I'm genuinely curious Bhamv, what's the consensus on the reverse situation, i.e. Asian male with a white female? When we went back to see my husband's family in Taiwan, they seemed to welcome me with open arms. I say "seemed" because my Mandarin is terrible, and I've noticed older generations of Chinese families are as huggy as I'm used to in my American experience. That and from experience I've noticed dissent isn't usually said right to your face. (Though I can can think of a couple of occasions "gui lo" and "lao wai" have been directed at me, but never by anyone in my husband's family.) I did worry about this at first because my husband is pretty much the "golden child" of his family (1st born son, 1st born grandson, etc.)
But getting back to Naiwen's original question, having been in your boyfriend's shoes about a decade ago, I can see how it can get awkward. Fortunately, my mother-in-law didn't care about my color, but coming into a situation that is so dissimilar from your own can pose some challenges. Bhamv's post covered the important stuff, so I can only add this: You can't really change your parents' minds, but if you're really serious about this guy, you may want to try offering an "olive branch" but cluing him in on social customs that might make your parents feel less uncomfortable, too. (Like always taking his shoes off when entering the house, etc.) I'm still trying to learn Mandarin, partially because I want our son to be fluent as well, and I still want to be able to communicate better with my husband's non-English speaking relatives. I learned to eat with chopsticks, we host the holiday parties like Chinese New Year and I'm still learning customs as they turn up, like last weekend when I attended my first Buddhist funeral (my husband's great aunt passed). Part of your parent's rejection may come from fear of the unknown and not wanting to feel "alien" in their own home. By making them see that it's not impossible to share culture, they may be a little more accommodating.
Better find a place with air conditioning! Taiwan is a sub-tropical region and OHMYGOD the humidity! UGGGHHHHH! I've never had anything that bad anywhere in the US, and my grandmother-in-law's apartment building didn't have A/C. And this was in November! Florida has not prepared you for it.
Yes, would much more difficult for the White woman to get an Asian man, as his mother is overly-protective of her son. The parents would feel that a white woman isn't worthy enough of their son.Not to take this in a different direction, but I'm genuinely curious Bhamv, what's the consensus on the reverse situation, i.e. Asian male with a white female? When we went back to see my husband's family in Taiwan, they seemed to welcome me with open arms. I say "seemed" because my Mandarin is terrible, and I've noticed older generations of Chinese families are as huggy as I'm used to in my American experience. That and from experience I've noticed dissent isn't usually said right to your face. (Though I can can think of a couple of occasions "gui lo" and "lao wai" have been directed at me, but never by anyone in my husband's family.) I did worry about this at first because my husband is pretty much the "golden child" of his family (1st born son, 1st born grandson, etc.)
But getting back to Naiwen's original question, having been in your boyfriend's shoes about a decade ago, I can see how it can get awkward. Fortunately, my mother-in-law didn't care about my color, but coming into a situation that is so dissimilar from your own can pose some challenges. Bhamv's post covered the important stuff, so I can only add this: You can't really change your parents' minds, but if you're really serious about this guy, you may want to try offering an "olive branch" but cluing him in on social customs that might make your parents feel less uncomfortable, too. (Like always taking his shoes off when entering the house, etc.) I'm still trying to learn Mandarin, partially because I want our son to be fluent as well, and I still want to be able to communicate better with my husband's non-English speaking relatives. I learned to eat with chopsticks, we host the holiday parties like Chinese New Year and I'm still learning customs as they turn up, like last weekend when I attended my first Buddhist funeral (my husband's great aunt passed). Part of your parent's rejection may come from fear of the unknown and not wanting to feel "alien" in their own home. By making them see that it's not impossible to share culture, they may be a little more accommodating.
Better find a place with air conditioning! Taiwan is a sub-tropical region and OHMYGOD the humidity! UGGGHHHHH! I've never had anything that bad anywhere in the US, and my grandmother-in-law's apartment building didn't have A/C. And this was in November! Florida has not prepared you for it.
>Florida
>Not humid enough
Wat?
That aside, some very good advice flowing in this thread.
>Not humid enough
Wat?
That aside, some very good advice flowing in this thread.
I don't know if it's more difficult, but I know it's far less common. And parents who are "anti-whatever" are going to make a relationship difficult no matter what. I think if the guy your seeing is a good guy, he'll be willing to at least make the effort to meet your parents half-way.
This is an interesting post to read; my brother is dating a Chinese girl, and so is my girlfriend's brother. I wonder what they've experienced.
Have they been accepted by the Chinese girl's family or not? My parents don't want me to date Caucasian men, because they think they're all bad men.
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I don't know about my brother, honestly. My girlfriend's brother asked her family for permission to marry, and they said yes: but they expect him to own a house and a pay them $3000 - neither of which he can do by June, when the wedding is. Not sure what will happen.
wow, that's a lot. Asian parents tend to be a wee bit shallow in my opinion. And very judgemental. What do you think?
The only parent-aged Asian person I've been in touch with is a Chinese Canadian (Canadian-born) friend of my father. He's an awesome guy. Comped my meal at his restaurant once, which was a surprise to me and the friends I was there with; he wasn't in the restaurant but apparently he'd been talking to my father who mentioned I was going to be there for dinner that night!
But to answer your actual question, I just have no data. I've never my brother's girlfriend's parents - or any parents of my Asian friends.
He's like a fungus, they don't like him at first but he'll grow on them
On average, no more so than any other group. The ones I know (parents of friends both as I was growing up and current friends, in addition to my husband's family) run the gamut from friendly and generous and welcoming to shy and reserved to unapologetically xenophobic. (It was one of our friend's parents that called me a "gui luo", but his mom also thought I was his date. Not that it makes it better.)
The only thing I can say is I've noticed about Asian parents is that they don't mince their words. They're going to tell you exactly what they think, whether it sounds P.C. or not.
Firstly, I had no idea your husband's Taiwanese, that's awesome.
Secondly, oddly enough I have to say I have no idea. Asian men paired with white women is, for some reason, exceedingly rare. I don't personally know any such couples, and I don't hear them discussed very often.
We can speculate on why such pairings are rare, of course. One theory I've heard is that women from western cultures often find Asian men to not be manly enough. Alternatively, Asian men find western women to be too assertive and lack femininity. I don't know how true this is, since I'm not a white woman, and I've never tried to seriously pursue one. However, to me it sounds far too general and stereotypical to be the whole truth.
Now (and this is even more speculative on my part), I suspect that because such pairings are so rare, there's not enough cultural or social momentum to build a stigma around it. Men aren't hit with "What, your own race isn't good enough for you?" because it almost never happens. As a result, your husband's family wouldn't have needed to worry about what the neighbors next door would think, so they might be more welcoming.
I feel I should point out, though, that the stigma I mentioned regarding Taiwanese girls dating westerners is a pretty mild one. It's not like people will go up to these couples and spit on them. A few weird looks, maybe a muttered comment or two, but generally speaking people are usually cool with it.
Oh, I just remembered something, I'm also a "golden child" in my family, and my dad said to me in my teenaged years that I might not be permitted to marry a foreigner, since there would be cultural and familial issues with it. He never really specified what the problems would be, and I never asked, since Asian girls are more my type, so I never imagined this problem would turn up. Hmm, interesting.
Yep! Born in Keelung, then moved to the US when he was 5. Now all his family lives in or around Taipei. There's a rumor his cousin in getting married and we're required to attend (also because none of that side of the family has met Li'l Z in person yet), so don't be surprised if another Halforumite is wandering around in search of Milk Magnet!Firstly, I had no idea your husband's Taiwanese, that's awesome.
I can see what you're saying about stereotypes not meshing. Also, I'm "too assertive and lack femininity"?!? You know nothing! I'll beat you to a pulp! - Just kidding.
But yeah, I get it. I think our pairing has a lot to do with my husband being the antithesis of every Asian male stereotype. We've been known to get to occasional surprised stare walking around New York and China, so it's kinda unusual everywhere. Oddly enough, the only people who have said anything to me directly over the years have been Asian girls who are friends who flat out said "Why would you date an Asian guy if you don't have to?". I never set out to date a particular-looking guy. Everyone I've accepted a date from had things about his personality and interests I really liked. If you stood them up in a line-up, I don't think there'd be any obvious correlation, except that they like tall redheads. 
Dave
Staff member
So he has a large....personality?
So he has a large....personality?
Just kidding.
(Although if he ever sees this thread, it'll make his day.)
"human" was the word you were looking for there.they like tall redheads.
Thank you!.... I think?
GasBandit
Staff member
You're welcome.
I'm interpreting your hesitation as not being familiar with car option packages. The most common ones are usually some variant of EX, LX, and GT, meaning Economy, Luxury, and Sport/Racing variants of an automobile. The GT package would usually mean two door, more horses, power steering, better shocks, more performance and comfort tweaks, and most often, a spoiler. A car enthusiast would typically consider a GT package to be the best available stock package from a dealership. GT stands for "Gran Tourismo," or "Grand Touring" in Italian.
Or maybe I misinterpreted and you weren't sure if you liked being compared to an object, even if it is a nice one.