Looks like I'm probably being admitted into the hospital soon. That's what Dad said tonight.
Rant VIII: The Reckoning
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Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
I don't even know anymore. Or care.
I believe that you do care, otherwise you wouldn't be posting in here.
You keep dismissing finding new medication, because "We tried that, didn't work." I know several people, with various different medications, that have the same diagnosed problems. Because they are different people, with different body chemistry, different medications work differently for each of them. A couple of them it took literally years to find the correct combinations to get them to their "normal." Just because you've tried some things doesn't mean that you've tried everything or even the right thing. You can't give up just because it doesn't work right the first time.
All I can do is type to you, you have to decide to fight for yourself and to NOT listen to the way your body is lying to you.
You keep dismissing finding new medication, because "We tried that, didn't work." I know several people, with various different medications, that have the same diagnosed problems. Because they are different people, with different body chemistry, different medications work differently for each of them. A couple of them it took literally years to find the correct combinations to get them to their "normal." Just because you've tried some things doesn't mean that you've tried everything or even the right thing. You can't give up just because it doesn't work right the first time.
All I can do is type to you, you have to decide to fight for yourself and to NOT listen to the way your body is lying to you.
Thus, a good thing.
Nick, you've seen others here go down the same lane. I've been down there as well - though perhaps not as deep as you seem to be. Both @figmentPez and @Chad Sexington have struggled similarly, at least. We're all different, we all have different challenges and different problems to overcome. No-one else can tell you how or where the "solutions" are - mostly because, well, there are no simple solutions. Giving up completely because nothing good can or will ever happen, though, is never the right answer; refusing help or dismissing it from the get-go ("medication doesn't work anyway") is not a solution in itself, either - it's just your own mind pushing you ever deeper.
I know your relationship with your father is troubled, but the way you're talking and reacting here lately, getting you to a hospital may be the best course of action for you.
Medication for depression, anxiety, stress and related disorders/issues is not simple or a quick fix. I've taken 3 different types myself, one of which pushed me spectacularly further downward to the point where I didn't even want to dress myself anymore, let alone go to the doctor to say something was wrong. I didn't even figure it myself, really.
This is troublesome, and painful, and I can sympathize that you don't see any further worth for yourself or a reason to keep trying. I still struggle with plenty of issues... but at least I accept that, well, someone else still sees worth. Believe me, we still see worth in you. We like you, we care for you, and I'm sure there're plenty of other people out there who care for and about you too.
you're stuck in a place where you can't help yourself, and where you don't believe anyone else can or will help you, or have any reason to. It's not your responsibility to make people help you, or decide for them whether or not it's worth helping you. The only thing you have to do is accept that there *are* other people who want to help you, and accept their help.
I hope your dad wasn't lying to you. You really seem to need that hospital care. You'll be happy for it in the long term. Enjoy your time there.
Take your laptop, wrote another novel. Your very own One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest
Seriously, though: . . . uh, I don't really do serious well. So, um. Yeah . . .
Take your laptop, wrote another novel. Your very own One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest
Seriously, though: . . . uh, I don't really do serious well. So, um. Yeah . . .
I'm being admitted into the hospital for the weekend. I guess admitting that I'd googled methods for painless, quiet suicide attempts was the kicker. I'm in a waiting room now.
GasBandit
Staff member
We're all pulling for ya, Nick.
Yours is the drill that will pierce the heavens! See you on the other side!
There's no ways to commit suicide that are painless. At most, ones that are painless for you.
Is there a TV in the waiting room showing the Blue Jays game? Cause man, it's making me want to Google that, too.
That's not what I goddamn meant and you fucking know it.[DOUBLEPOST=1444426482,1444425991][/DOUBLEPOST]
Seriously, you chose now...NOW..to fucking correct me or argue fucking semantics? When I'm at the complete edge of my own sanity, wanting to die, and can't even cry? Now you fucking argue semantics with me?
Fuck.
You.
Just fuck right off, you fucking asshole.
I know what he fucking meant. I'm not a fucking moron. I was looking for painless ways to die because I am fucking terrified of dying. I wanted something where maybe I could just go to sleep and not wake up. I don't fucking care if people were upset about me dying. At least then I wouldn't be the sax sack loser that people pity and go "Aw there there, Nick," and say things will get better. They won't. At least them I wouldn't be this giant burden on people always bitching and complaining that I don't have friends, a career, a family of my own or anything else under the sun. Them I could leave people alone and they could leave me alone.
So yeah I know what he fucking meant. He didn't have to goddamn say it like I'm a fucking moron who didn't know that.
@ThatNickGuy Please give the doctors a try this weekend. With any health issue, you will sometimes need to try a bunch of things before you find something that works.
@HCGLNS I love you but damn.
@HCGLNS I love you but damn.
Yes his anger at his situation makes me feel there is chance we wont have to complete that dark ritual to resurrect him.
---
Another time when my avatar is so appropriate.
Another time when my avatar is so appropriate.
Stupid pompous fucking lady just stopped me and my wife (we are walking) after walking through a crosswalk while she was at a stop sign that "that was rude, you know drivers have the right of way over pedestrians I should know my husband works for the state troopers" that bitch just really upset me because she thinks she knows the law. I looked up the statute to prove her wrong but she left before I could quote it to her.
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Starting to feel a little better. Barely. Still in the hospital. They have me back on my meds (or starting it at half the dosage to build up). Still feeling completely hopeless about my future, though.
On the bright side, my parents have visited every day. And my niece (the older one; 13 years old) visited today.
She absolutely destroyed me at Scrabble, the little brat.
On the bright side, my parents have visited every day. And my niece (the older one; 13 years old) visited today.
She absolutely destroyed me at Scrabble, the little brat.
I'm glad for you, Nick. Sometimes even a small push in the right direction is enough to get the ball rolling. Being stuck in that dark place all the time is not fun. And trust me, I sympathize about your qualms over depression meds. I hope you find some whose benefits outweigh the side effects.
I could really scar her and use Encyclopedia Dramatica.
Goddamn, I missed all of this. I'm glad you went in there. No medication can give you peace, but all those neurotransmitters firing and being shitheads--having something to help manage that can clear a way for you to figure things out. Like Gas said, we're all pulling for you.
So they gave me an overnight pass. I spent last night pretty much back where I was before: starring at the computer most of the night. Did some yoga and went for a walk, but still spent most of the night surfing or gaming.
I also keep visiting my ex's Facebook page. I don't know why.
And I'm just...I'm fucking lonely. I don't have anyone I feel comfortable talking with or confiding in. I don't have anyone in the city to hang out with and help me get my mind off all of this. The only person I talked to at all was my ex and I can't do that. I know I've had invitations to talk with people on here but I just can't. I don't know why.
Anyway, I'm at the hospital right now waiting to meet with my counseling committee to probably release me.
On the bright side, I might have a new temp job. Two month job doing data entry. Pays better than Value Village but...yeah, it's just two months.
And I'm just...*sigh.* I don't know. I'm not thinking suicidal thoughts but I'm still down. And feel like I'm angry at everything around me.
I also keep visiting my ex's Facebook page. I don't know why.
And I'm just...I'm fucking lonely. I don't have anyone I feel comfortable talking with or confiding in. I don't have anyone in the city to hang out with and help me get my mind off all of this. The only person I talked to at all was my ex and I can't do that. I know I've had invitations to talk with people on here but I just can't. I don't know why.
Anyway, I'm at the hospital right now waiting to meet with my counseling committee to probably release me.
On the bright side, I might have a new temp job. Two month job doing data entry. Pays better than Value Village but...yeah, it's just two months.
And I'm just...*sigh.* I don't know. I'm not thinking suicidal thoughts but I'm still down. And feel like I'm angry at everything around me.
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Don't be too hard on yourself. You just broke up with her, of course you miss her and are curious about what she's up to. It's also ok not to be ready to hang out or be friends yet.
If you ever want to talk to some one in town, let me know
If you ever want to talk to some one in town, let me know
- I still visit my ex's Facebook, and she's in a committed relationship with someone else, and, though I only wish her well and don't want her back at all, it still makes me feel..I dunno, weird, some sort of inconsequential jealous, sad. That's perfectly normal; it's also why people usually suggest breaking off all contact with an ex for at least a couple of months for residual feelings to pass.
- There's a difference between "hanging front of the computer" and "hanging out in front of the computer". Yes, real life social interaction is probably better, but being social with decent human beings (that is, avoid XBox multiplayer ) is still a good thing. I have no idea about timing schedules and whatnot, but something like the board game night they're doing in that thread might be a good way for you to be social with people who won't push you too hard and are willing to talk and listen. Spending a whole night arguing in Youtube comments is probably slightly less useful as they're far more toxic.
- Finding someone to talk to about feelings/emotions/what's bothering you can be hard. Certainly outside of girlfriend and therapist. I've had maybe 2 or 3 people in my life I could talk to. Good luck.
- I hope you'll forgive my statement last week; it wasn't meant as being pedantic for the sake of being pedantic. I wanted to get a rise out of you, and I'm glad I did. At least it shows there're still some emotions. I know all too well the feeling of being angry/frustrated at everything and nothing, but I've also been where I didn't feel anything at all anymore. Neither's any fun, and both are variations on depression...But still feeling is better than not feeling.
- I, for one, can express emotions better in writing than spoken (you might not guess so when you see how I misexpress myself here sometimes, but I plead "fourth language" as an excuse
). I can imagine you may be the same way - you certainly handle the written word well. Good luck. Also, when you feel better, write more Dill, as TDWATD was too short, dammit, I want more.
As for a rant for myself, I just spent 2h30 to get to work - that's about 9 miles. I could've walked here faster. Brussels traffic sucks. And to top that off, I managed to crash my car into another one. Nobody hurt and my car still moves, but at least a couple of hundred of euros down the drain...Not to mention I was clearly in the wrong so there goes my insurance premiums. Fuckity fuck.
- There's a difference between "hanging front of the computer" and "hanging out in front of the computer". Yes, real life social interaction is probably better, but being social with decent human beings (that is, avoid XBox multiplayer
) is still a good thing. I have no idea about timing schedules and whatnot, but something like the board game night they're doing in that thread might be a good way for you to be social with people who won't push you too hard and are willing to talk and listen. Spending a whole night arguing in Youtube comments is probably slightly less useful as they're far more toxic.- Finding someone to talk to about feelings/emotions/what's bothering you can be hard. Certainly outside of girlfriend and therapist. I've had maybe 2 or 3 people in my life I could talk to. Good luck.
- I hope you'll forgive my statement last week; it wasn't meant as being pedantic for the sake of being pedantic. I wanted to get a rise out of you, and I'm glad I did. At least it shows there're still some emotions. I know all too well the feeling of being angry/frustrated at everything and nothing, but I've also been where I didn't feel anything at all anymore. Neither's any fun, and both are variations on depression...But still feeling is better than not feeling.
- I, for one, can express emotions better in writing than spoken (you might not guess so when you see how I misexpress myself here sometimes, but I plead "fourth language" as an excuse
). I can imagine you may be the same way - you certainly handle the written word well. Good luck. Also, when you feel better, write more Dill, as TDWATD was too short, dammit, I want more.As for a rant for myself, I just spent 2h30 to get to work - that's about 9 miles. I could've walked here faster. Brussels traffic sucks. And to top that off, I managed to crash my car into another one. Nobody hurt and my car still moves, but at least a couple of hundred of euros down the drain...Not to mention I was clearly in the wrong so there goes my insurance premiums. Fuckity fuck.