Funny Pictures Thread. It begins again
- Thread starter CrimsonSoul
- Start date
The first rule of Time Traveling Presidential Fight Club is...
...Sell the television rights in or after the 26th century only?
Don't kid yourselves, Teddy Roosevelt kicked the ass of everyone in that room EXCEPT maybe Abraham Lincoln (who apparently knew how to wrestle).
Someone once did a thought experiment on reddit: "You're about to be in a bar fight. Which two historical figures do you want by your side?" Lots of people picked Teddy Roosevelt, but I was the only one who paired him with Ernest Hemingway.
--Patrick
fade
Staff member
...and people call me insensitive.
Obviously I mean pre-1954 Hemingway, not the shadow he became after all the electroshock treatments.
--Patrick
fade
Staff member
Okay.
Teddy: "Ernest, take these binoculars. What's going on out there?"
Ernest: "It is dark. Night has fallen. Crickets are chirping and the air is muggy. Two travelers approach on horseback. One is wearing a faded Mexican uniform. The other is a woman. Her face is wrinkled now. You can see that she was once a great beauty. Did I mention crickets are chirping?"
Teddy was short, but he studied jiu-jitsu. Abe has the reach.
Need to remember that Andrew Jackson dueled and killed some fools. I am sure Grant and Washington did their fair share of killing as well.
Need to remember that Andrew Jackson dueled and killed some fools. I am sure Grant and Washington did their fair share of killing as well.
Andrew Jackson did not "duel and kill some fools" - he dueled at least 13, but possible over 100, times, usually to the death. Including one time when he was shot right in the chest between the heart and lung, and responded by shooting his opponent through the head. Years later an assassin attempted to kill him but both pistols misfired, and Jackson had to be pulled off of his assailant, whom he was savagely beating with his hickory cane. Jackson spent a lot of his life killing people for varying levels of acceptable reasons.
Abe Lincoln was challenged to a duel while he was in the White House. Being the challenged party, he chose "broadswords" as his weapon of choice. Considering Lincoln's reach and considerable physical strength, his challenger quickly reconsidered. Lincoln was also quite a proficient shot, and tested the Spencer carbine himself before approving it for military use.
Plus I hear Lincoln hunted Vampires in his youth.
George Washington was notoriously bad at just about everything related to war. He basically got his job by winning a lot of people over with his money, wine, and weed.
That's unfair. He was a charismatic leader, he had a talent for organization, and he was an accomplished strategist.
He lost more than a he won, that much is not in dispute (he lost the battles of Brandywine, Fort Necessity, Fort Washington, Georgetown, Long Island, Monongahela and White Plains.) Boston doesn't count as a win; he didn't have to fight... just rolled his artillery up and told them to get out. And it still doesn't discount the fact that he got his position by throwing money around.
I will concede the morale and organization though. He kept his men alive and spirited in Valley Forge, even if it was his own damn fault they were suffering there.
He lost more than he won because he was almost always outnumbered by a well-trained, fully equipped, world class army with navy support and Hessian mercenaries. The Continental Congress refused most of his requests and had refused to consider a long-term army, so that most of the time Washington had enlistees with only a year of service that he had to constantly try and re-recruit. He ran his own intelligence service and had to spend half his time keeping the Continental Congress from making things worse (relying on militias, promoting Horatio Gates, reneging on what they owed the Continental Army, etc). And yet he managed to keep an army in the field for 7 full years and in the end, forced the British to surrender.
Let's be completely honest: the British surrendered to us, but they were surrendering to the French. The French involvement at sea especially turned the tide, as our own navy was generally worthless.
Okay, but they also couldn't manage to actually defeat the Continental Army either. Yes, they were heavily distracted by the French, but the Continental Army did their part too. And who was in charge of that army, again? Hmmmm.
I was, in Total War: Empire.
Lincoln was traveling on a Navy vessel and he was challenged to a test of strength by some Marines. Lincoln picked up a fire axe, held it by the end of the handle, and curled his wrist, touching the axe to his nose and back out straight. None of the Marines could do the same feat.
TIL The Funny Pictures thread is now a politics thread.
"I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo."
Has a human mother.
fade
Staff member
And he's Jewish.
And dead.
