Rant VIII: The Reckoning
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--Patrick
Like a champ, he called to ask if I wanted drive through on the way home!
I'm HCGLNS savy?
Arrrr gh!
Wooo, I don't remember posting those posts. What a night that was.
ANYWAYS!
When it rains it pours I guess. I'm probably going to have to try to sell my house. Thanks to recent things, I can't really afford to keep living here anymore and hope to do anything but pay my bills for years on end. It's a real bummer. I love living in St. Albert.
ANYWAYS!
When it rains it pours I guess. I'm probably going to have to try to sell my house. Thanks to recent things, I can't really afford to keep living here anymore and hope to do anything but pay my bills for years on end. It's a real bummer. I love living in St. Albert.
Some of you may remember that I went to Chicago to visit a friend (and this friend's husband, who coincidentally is someone my wife used to date).
This friend has had Stage IV cancer for quite a while. Had.
Not long after we got back home from the visit, she texted me to say she'd received test results that didn't look good. In fact, they said they were giving her 30-90 days, tops, and she was very glad that we had wrangled the time to see her again* after they had come to visit us in the springtime.
They gave her 30-90 days. She lasted just over two weeks.
Last night I lost a person who, at one time, held the title of "Best Friend," and who has been a part of my life for almost 30 years. We've been indebted to each other, mad at each other, thankful the other was there, but we never dated, never had a fling, though we did discuss the possibility, once.
She was only one year older than I, and well-connected in the world of fen. She will be missed by many, and for varied reasons, but this was hardly a surprise, since the cancer was diagnosed years ago, and many steps were taken, but everyone knew there would come a day when a doctor would spread his/her hands and say, "that's everything we can do." I sincerely hope she managed to get through as much of her bucket list as possible during what she no doubt knew would be her coda.
EDIT: I'm hardly one to fish for IRL sympathy, in case anyone wonders why I haven't mentioned her situation previously, but I figured her passing deserved the mention.
--Patrick
*she didn't say it outright, but "...one last time" was heavily implied.
This friend has had Stage IV cancer for quite a while. Had.
Not long after we got back home from the visit, she texted me to say she'd received test results that didn't look good. In fact, they said they were giving her 30-90 days, tops, and she was very glad that we had wrangled the time to see her again* after they had come to visit us in the springtime.
They gave her 30-90 days. She lasted just over two weeks.
Last night I lost a person who, at one time, held the title of "Best Friend," and who has been a part of my life for almost 30 years. We've been indebted to each other, mad at each other, thankful the other was there, but we never dated, never had a fling, though we did discuss the possibility, once.
She was only one year older than I, and well-connected in the world of fen. She will be missed by many, and for varied reasons, but this was hardly a surprise, since the cancer was diagnosed years ago, and many steps were taken, but everyone knew there would come a day when a doctor would spread his/her hands and say, "that's everything we can do." I sincerely hope she managed to get through as much of her bucket list as possible during what she no doubt knew would be her coda.
EDIT: I'm hardly one to fish for IRL sympathy, in case anyone wonders why I haven't mentioned her situation previously, but I figured her passing deserved the mention.
--Patrick
*she didn't say it outright, but "...one last time" was heavily implied.
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We could chat about this, you and I, at length, and then you would begin to know exactly how I feel. It's faaaaar too complex to put into a blurb this small.
But I appreciate the sympathy, and yes, it sucks. But there are no pets, no kids, and the husband is someone who likes to travel the world with as few belongings as possible, so it doesn't suck anywhere near as much as it could've.
--Patrick
This was a very... interesting weekend. Parts of it were great, but not enough to override the bad - by far. Spent our first weekend at our new house - that was great, despite needing to make an emergency run to the nearest Walgreen's for a Tdap shot when my wife discovered a bit of worn carpet and a tack strip in the same spot, while barefoot. Thankfully I remembered that the Tdap includes tetanus and we didn't have to test out the perennially underfunded healthcare system on a holiday weekend. We drove down on Friday and intended to do some painting in the master bedroom - it's currently strawberry-milk pink. We decided to go with a nice dark red (Miller Paint's 1136), picked up a couple rollers, a 3" brush for edge work, some blue tape, a couple drop cloths, and paint. Yeah... Fred Meyer's brand paint? Not as good as the commercial stuff I'm used to buying/using from the cabinet company. Not by a long shot. Gonna have to buy new (higher quality) rollers, brush, and go with multiple coats. This didn't fit our plans, but it's not a huge deal - it's a three bedroom house, we only need one right now.
There is a lot of smoke in Myrtle Point right now, from a couple of fires and an unusually long warm-weather pattern. Normally the fires burn in eastern Oregon and the onshore flow blows the valleys clear and pushes the smoke into Idaho and points east. This year, a couple of the fires are on the coast and/or in the coast range valleys, and the warm-weather pattern is blowing hot, dry air over the cascades from the east, so it's dry as hell and twice as hot, and the smoke is just sitting in the valleys making life miserable for a lot of people - myself included. The first day wasn't so bad, but Saturday and Sunday got a lot worse, and apparently yesterday the smoke in Eugene was so bad, they moved the Ducks' football practice to the coast for better air quality. This morning's reading was 371 ppm of whichever particulate they were measuring, which is 71 ppm into "hazardous." After 17 years smoking, any difficulty breathing tends to turn my anxiety up. Maybe that's where things started, I'm still not certain what the triggering event/feeling/whatever was, but it led to a mental break and panic attack.
Even worse, while I knew it was a panic attack, and I had a quick-acting anxiolytic at hand, I couldn't shut it down. What should have been a perfectly normal drive back to Puyallup yesterday turned into a 5 hour ordeal involving not just one, but two 911 calls, a trip to the ER, a valium prescription, and an extra night spent in Oregon. It was the right thing to do - especially since I needed two of those valium to get home today (my wife drove, and she's a perfectly good driver). Thursday I get to go see my regular doctor for a follow-up and to demand/beg that he refill my Zoloft. Apparently, it had a 5 month efficacy past cessation, but asking for a sixth month was just too much.
There is a lot of smoke in Myrtle Point right now, from a couple of fires and an unusually long warm-weather pattern. Normally the fires burn in eastern Oregon and the onshore flow blows the valleys clear and pushes the smoke into Idaho and points east. This year, a couple of the fires are on the coast and/or in the coast range valleys, and the warm-weather pattern is blowing hot, dry air over the cascades from the east, so it's dry as hell and twice as hot, and the smoke is just sitting in the valleys making life miserable for a lot of people - myself included. The first day wasn't so bad, but Saturday and Sunday got a lot worse, and apparently yesterday the smoke in Eugene was so bad, they moved the Ducks' football practice to the coast for better air quality. This morning's reading was 371 ppm of whichever particulate they were measuring, which is 71 ppm into "hazardous." After 17 years smoking, any difficulty breathing tends to turn my anxiety up. Maybe that's where things started, I'm still not certain what the triggering event/feeling/whatever was, but it led to a mental break and panic attack.
Even worse, while I knew it was a panic attack, and I had a quick-acting anxiolytic at hand, I couldn't shut it down. What should have been a perfectly normal drive back to Puyallup yesterday turned into a 5 hour ordeal involving not just one, but two 911 calls, a trip to the ER, a valium prescription, and an extra night spent in Oregon. It was the right thing to do - especially since I needed two of those valium to get home today (my wife drove, and she's a perfectly good driver). Thursday I get to go see my regular doctor for a follow-up and to demand/beg that he refill my Zoloft. Apparently, it had a 5 month efficacy past cessation, but asking for a sixth month was just too much.
Giant, uncontrollable forest fires along the west coast.
A catastrophically huge hurricane about to make its way up the east coast.
An idiot president threatening nuclear war.
People becoming dangerously more and more divided, tensions escalating daily.
The whole world is going to hell and it's getting worse. I've lost all hope. We - humanity, I mean - had multiple chances to change course. To maybe fix things so it'd be better.
But we didn't. We didn't and honestly, it doesn't matter anymore. We fucked up. We fucked up all in the name of profit, power, and ego.
At this point, I'd say we deserve whatever comes next.
A catastrophically huge hurricane about to make its way up the east coast.
An idiot president threatening nuclear war.
People becoming dangerously more and more divided, tensions escalating daily.
The whole world is going to hell and it's getting worse. I've lost all hope. We - humanity, I mean - had multiple chances to change course. To maybe fix things so it'd be better.
But we didn't. We didn't and honestly, it doesn't matter anymore. We fucked up. We fucked up all in the name of profit, power, and ego.
At this point, I'd say we deserve whatever comes next.
Doomsday cults?
I mean, I really hope not, but the environment is certainly fertile for what they sow.
--Patrick
On the plus side, the horrible demon-sun caused by all the smoke is pretty neat.
There's a storm front comingWhite water running and the pressure is low
Storm front coming
Small craft warning on the radio
...you know, maybe sales of that album will pick up this year?
--Patrick
So, I'm on the cusp of cutting ties with my publisher. I've complained about them before, but I don't see the point in keeping them if they're not doing anything for me. I haven't even talked to them about Dill's third adventure since I finished it.
To recap my reasons:
1) My books just haven't sold. I made maybe a couple hundred dollars on the first book. I haven't seen a single dime on the second book since it released two years ago.
2) The publisher hasn't helped at all with promoting it. Some examples:
-Not only do they not send advanced copies for reviews so the book has some reviews on launch, but when I asked if I could send something myself, they flatly said I couldn't.
-Their idea of promoting is spamming various Facebook groups. As far as I know, I haven't seen them send their press releases to any websites.
-They've never tried setting up any interviews.
-For the second book, I didn't see the final cover until I got the link for the Amazon page. And the back copy blurb - which was changed without my knowing - had multiple spelling and grammar mistakes. I think I ranted about this at the time, but I reacted very poorly to this especially and he (the main guy) threatened to pull the whole thing.
-The only way to order extra copies for myself - fortunately, at a discount - is talking with the head guy on Facebook and setting up a PayPal transaction.
The problem is, if I cut ties, there's no point shopping Dill around to other publishers. They'll rightfully see the first two books as failures, so there's little chance any publisher will be interested in the third of a failed series. Iretain the rights to Dill, and I think I retain the rights to the first two books. If I could, I'd take them elsewhere, re-edit them (especially the first one) and publish them as a "double feature" in one volume. I even had a funny idea for a cover: disgruntled Dill walking by a theater marquee with the two titles/posters, scoffing "Ugh. Where do they come up with this stuff?" (Ninja Turtles reference!). But that probably won't happen.
I considered self-publishing, but I have no idea how to do it. I don't know how to create book covers or proper book cover design. Or how to convert and properly edit it into a PDF file or something for e-books. And I don't see any point since the first two books didn't sell, anyway. Not to mention that I already struggled trying to promote myself and get my name out there, even with the publisher's piddly help. And that didn't get me anywhere. Dill is too weird and niche to sell and I still don't know what audience to sell to. Whenever I talk about him, people say "I should get this for my kids!" when I'm like, "Um. No. He's a violent, chain-smoking asshole and the books are filled with innuendo, violence, and some particularly gorey details. This isn't for kids."
So, yeah, I don't know. At this point, I might have to just move on and forget about Dill altogether. It's clear the only person he really entertains is myself and that's just not worth it.
Which leaves me with...the first draft of a YA novel that I now completely hate, and a barely started memoir that I haven't touched in months and don't know what to do with anymore. I've said before that I've considered giving up on writing altogether and that thought is getting strong again.
To recap my reasons:
1) My books just haven't sold. I made maybe a couple hundred dollars on the first book. I haven't seen a single dime on the second book since it released two years ago.
2) The publisher hasn't helped at all with promoting it. Some examples:
-Not only do they not send advanced copies for reviews so the book has some reviews on launch, but when I asked if I could send something myself, they flatly said I couldn't.
-Their idea of promoting is spamming various Facebook groups. As far as I know, I haven't seen them send their press releases to any websites.
-They've never tried setting up any interviews.
-For the second book, I didn't see the final cover until I got the link for the Amazon page. And the back copy blurb - which was changed without my knowing - had multiple spelling and grammar mistakes. I think I ranted about this at the time, but I reacted very poorly to this especially and he (the main guy) threatened to pull the whole thing.
-The only way to order extra copies for myself - fortunately, at a discount - is talking with the head guy on Facebook and setting up a PayPal transaction.
The problem is, if I cut ties, there's no point shopping Dill around to other publishers. They'll rightfully see the first two books as failures, so there's little chance any publisher will be interested in the third of a failed series. Iretain the rights to Dill, and I think I retain the rights to the first two books. If I could, I'd take them elsewhere, re-edit them (especially the first one) and publish them as a "double feature" in one volume. I even had a funny idea for a cover: disgruntled Dill walking by a theater marquee with the two titles/posters, scoffing "Ugh. Where do they come up with this stuff?" (Ninja Turtles reference!). But that probably won't happen.
I considered self-publishing, but I have no idea how to do it. I don't know how to create book covers or proper book cover design. Or how to convert and properly edit it into a PDF file or something for e-books. And I don't see any point since the first two books didn't sell, anyway. Not to mention that I already struggled trying to promote myself and get my name out there, even with the publisher's piddly help. And that didn't get me anywhere. Dill is too weird and niche to sell and I still don't know what audience to sell to. Whenever I talk about him, people say "I should get this for my kids!" when I'm like, "Um. No. He's a violent, chain-smoking asshole and the books are filled with innuendo, violence, and some particularly gorey details. This isn't for kids."
So, yeah, I don't know. At this point, I might have to just move on and forget about Dill altogether. It's clear the only person he really entertains is myself and that's just not worth it.
Which leaves me with...the first draft of a YA novel that I now completely hate, and a barely started memoir that I haven't touched in months and don't know what to do with anymore. I've said before that I've considered giving up on writing altogether and that thought is getting strong again.
Awesome!
They are these super gross strawberry wafter things. He didn't have to worry about me eating them on him.
The cats are taking turns lying on the steps in front of me while I try to walk down them.
And... Pud grabbed my leg with his paws when I got in the shower the last time.
Coincidence or conspiracy?
And... Pud grabbed my leg with his paws when I got in the shower the last time.
Coincidence or conspiracy?
There we go again, misinterpreting cat behaviour. Trying to keep you out of the shower is because they want to keep you safe
