Sooooo.... there's this girl at work and I have a dilemma

[Anonymous]

Maybe more of a pickle. Could be a mid life crisis now that I think about it....

There's not really any need for me to post this anon I don't think, it's more about someone from work stumbling onto this post. Although I think that's probably about as likely as winning the lotto.

But to ramble on, part of me also feels like I just won the lotto.

Ok, on to the story.

You see there's this girl. We work at the same place. When I first met her I was truly captivated by one thing. And that was the way she looked at me. I can not describe the emotional waves that ran through me. It made me question any of my previous thoughts on what connection, love, lust, fate, soul mates, anything, just everything were. I can't describe it, like I said, but I can say that I felt like I could never want anything more than to looked at like that by someone.

That was over a year ago. I didn't pursue it. You see, I can't. I couldn't. Basically she's an hourly employee and I'm salary. .....and I'm about 17 years older than her.

A couple weeks ago she liked a post that I had on facebook. I didn't even notice, I'm not actually that active on facebook generally. She later told me that she "wanted to get my attention, but not look to obvious." Took me about a week to notice and I didn't do anything or react to it then. And then about another week after, something happened. I was, we'll say a little intoxicated and surfing FB and... I reached out to her in messenger. We exchanged a couple of messages that weren't of terrible importance. Over the course of this week that's been the story, here and there, a few messages, nothing at work. An in passing Hi, nothing more. Almost like it wasn't her that I was talking to. But that was part my design as well. It would be more than a little frowned upon if this got out. In fact, I'd likely (I think it's likely a guarantee) be looking for new employment.

So, logically. Terrible road. Like a giant no trespassing sign flashing in neon but but I'm just hearing the universe telling me to take it.

We had our first, we'll call it date, last night. No no no, you little pervy misfits, no details and I don't have cause to post in "that other thread" right now. But it was amazing just being with her, we talked, and just, I felt connected like there should never have been anything but this.

And I'm torn up inside. It's been so long since I felt anything like this that I honestly was beginning to believe that I never would again. But here it is, here I am, playing with fire, at what is really one of the most important times of my life to need job security (for other reasons not so relevant to this thead).

And.... ????

TLR version
.... uh, no, no TLR version.

 

[Anonymous]

anonymous post to preserve anonymity.

When the dust settles, we may have to look at that anonymity bug.

 

[Ravenpoe]

I don't want you to feel like this is insulting you, but this entire post left me feeling uneasy.

Basically, even though you didn't give a lot of information, I think you need to hit the emergency stop on this.

 

[blotsfan]

It depends on the 17 year age difference I suppose. I hear that and I think mid-30s guy hitting on a teenager which is pretty icky, if not illegal, but if its like 50s to late 30s thats not that weird. Are you this person's direct supervisor? I know my company doesnt have a problem with intra-office dating as long as its not a supervisor position, though obviously yours may be different.

Also, was it explicit that it was a date? Or is there a chance she thinks one of the higher ups at work wanted to grab a drink or two as friendly coworkers?

 

[Anonymous]

Ages in question: 39 to 22
Direct supervisor: No, not really. Not on paper but it's enough just the hourly/salary thing.
And, yeah, this was most definitely a date.

 

[Ravenpoe]

Ages in question: 39 to 22

RUN

 

[blotsfan]

Oh also you didn't mention it, but there's no current SO in the picture is there?

 

[Dave]

Oh ffs people. The big question is: are you married or otherwise taken? No? Will this affect your workplace at all? No? Fuck it. You're not creepily running around hitting on her. She made the first move. Take a chance. You might get your heart ripped out but it might be the best thing ever. But you'll never know until you try and if you don't you'll always wonder.

 

[Dei]

My only issue with this, as someone the same age, is that 22 year olds are vastly irritating to me. Not as much as teenagers, but close.

 

[Anonymous]

No, there are no significant others involved. This pure two adults (yes of different ages) connecting.
Yes, work will, should they find out, have a significant problem with it, so, this is about jeopardizing my employment. Employment which took me a long time to rebuild my life and career after some previous issues. And that I need because of some.... unrelated issues to this circumstance.
Yes, teenagers annoy the hell out of me. Young adults (ie: 22ish and the area) annoy the hell out of me as well. But apparently only 99.9 percent of the time, because there is no annoyance here. There is no lack of maturity.

 

[blotsfan]

Yes, teenagers annoy the hell out of me. Young adults (ie: 22ish and the area) annoy the hell out of me as well. But apparently only 99.9 percent of the time, because there is no annoyance here. There is no lack of maturity.

Man you're gonna have fun when she invites you out with her friends.

 

[Dei]

Personally I don't think it's worth jeopardizing your life over this. Infatuation comes and goes, but permanently fucking up your life for someone at a very different stage of their own life is probably not the best idea.

That said, if this person finds a new place of employment in the future and the feelings are still there, then sure, go for it.

 

[Dave]

The work issue is a problem. If that's the case I'd say to tell her you are flattered but that this could put both of your careers in jeopardy. Also let her know if either of your employment situations change that you'd be more than happy to go out again.

 

[Ravenpoe]

I will bet a million dollars that you look like her father

 

[GasBandit]

The work thing sounds like trouble to me. There was quite a difference in age between Pauline and I (she was the older), so maybe that inures me to that aspect a bit, but the old adage is "you don't dip your quill in the company ink" is around for a reason.

 

[PatrThom]

As someone who literally DID lose my job as a direct result of my brain spawning too many distracting processes involving the woman who is now my wife, I can say that while the possibility for greatness certainly exists, the risks are very, VERY real. I can’t speak to the age difference, though. I have no personal experience with that beyond the difficulties described by Donald Fagen. My in-laws were separated by 10 years (with my 28yr-old father-in-law courting her almost as soon as she turned 18), but being a decade younger didn’t stop her from predeceasing him, either.

And I know this isn’t the advice you really want to hear, but you’re not going to find out if it was “worth it” until after it’s too late...either too late to back out, or too late to get back together.

So if you’re SERIOUS about this, my best advice is probably going to be to invest tons of effort into finding a different job. For either of you.

—Patrick

 

[Bubble181]

I don't think the age difference is necessarily that big of a deal. A relationship is an issue if one isn't developed yet (i.e. a minor) or if one has power over the other - a relationship has to be between two more-or-less equals. At 22, she may or may not be as mature as someone of 35, but she's an adult and she can make her own decisions. At work, you're not in a hierarchical position to her, so that, too, isn't too big a deal.
At the very least, of course, if things do seem to get more serious, you need to talk with her about both things. Make sure she feels secure and equal in the relationship - I don't begrudge her any daddy (or mommy, Anon might be a woman) issues, and good relationships can stem from big age differences, but she has to be aware and on board too - and aware that there'll be talk behind your back and maybe in your face, too. As for the work situation, yes, it is a problem. But it might be possible to keep a lid on it for a while, and decide whether it's worth it or not for one or the other to change. If she's 22, chances are she's just out of college, and in her first or second job experience. It might not be very chivalrous to say, but it's probably far easier for her to find an equally good or better job than it is for you.
Figure out if it's just a good old-fashioned infatuation, puppy love, or the real deal. It's not worth getting in trouble just for a cute pair of eyes and a nice smile. If it's something real, serious - well, that's worth losing some material stuff over.

As PatrThom said, though, you'll probably only know that when it's been going on for a while.

 

[Ravenpoe]

Y'all can tell him to go for it and be supportive all you like, I'm just gonna be sitting over here knowing what a bomb that is waiting to go off

 

[Bubble181]

Y'all can tell him to go for it and be supportive all you like, I'm just gonna be sitting over here knowing what a bomb that is waiting to go off

The two aren't mutually exclusive. If it goes well, it can be great! If it goes bad, it's likely to go really bad.

 

[phil]

The age difference might not be a big deal but... It probably is?

Also if I had financial stability it would take more than a chance of companionship to make me give that up.

 

[grub]

I'm going to delurk to say that I agree with @phil. Work and job stability you've built up is not worth that.

 

[PatrThom]

Y'all can tell him to go for it and be supportive all you like, I'm just gonna be sitting over here knowing what a bomb that is waiting to go off

Sure, there are many things I can think of.
-Could be gold-digging.
-Could be maliciously leading on for lulz later.
-Could be a Forrest-y weirdo who really goes for father figures.
-Could be someone looking to ingratiate for access to confidential information.
-Could be lots of things. Could be none of them.
-Could actually be the beginning of a long and fruitful relationship.

But the only thing I'm really willing to bet a million dollars on is that the one with the most to lose from this is Anon, and so Anon should act to minimize the risk to Anon as much as possible, no matter how awkward and/or difficult that might be in the short term.

--Patrick

 

[Ravenpoe]

Sure, there are many things I can think of.
-Could be gold-digging.
-Could be maliciously leading on for lulz later.
-Could be a Forrest-y weirdo who really goes for father figures.
-Could be someone looking to ingratiate for access to confidential information.
-Could be lots of things. Could be none of them.
-Could actually be the beginning of a long and fruitful relationship.

But the only thing I'm really willing to bet a million dollars on is that the one with the most to lose from this is Anon, and so Anon should act to minimize the risk to Anon as much as possible, no matter how awkward and/or difficult that might be in the short term.

--Patrick

My advice has nothing to do with the girl, who I'm sure is just an average 22 year old, and everything to do with the situation. How many almost 40's do you know have meaningful relationships with someone who is barely old enough to drink? Any type of relationship would be short lived, but the fallout would be long lasting.


Anon, some I'm sure think I'm being harsh, but I think I'm the only one willing to tell you the hard truth. I don't know who you are, so I'm going to be making some big assumptions here, but tell me if any of this sounds familiar. You've been burned by bad relationships in the past, you've been down and lonely, your self image isn't great, and you like the attention this girl gives you because you think she's too inexperienced to recognize your damage. If any of that rings a bell, break off this relationship and buy a motorcycle instead for your early midlife crisis. Which you'll be able to afford by not losing your job.

 

[PatrThom]

Anon, some I'm sure think I'm being harsh, but I think I'm the only one willing to tell you the hard truth.

I wouldn't say "harsh," just "pessimistic." Usually I'm the one around here whose comments get labeled as "brusque."

I mean, Poe's not wrong, Anon. There is a very real danger being described here, one serious enough to follow you around for the rest of your life. Is a long and rewarding relationship possible? The answer is unequivocally "yes" ...but is it likely? I don't know if I would risk a career on it, which is why my advice above basically boils down to, "If you're going to make a real go of it, then at least one of you needs a new job."

--Patrick

 

[Hailey Knight]

Imagine six months from now when you don't have a job and the honeymoon period is over, and you're a possibly 40-year-old arguing with someone in their early 20s, and you have to keep yourself in check from wielding your age/experience as an "I am right!" megaphone, because she's not going to call you on it due to lack of that experience, and to not call yourself on it is tantamount emotional abuse, and now you're half significant other, half parent, and trying to keep up with her stuff while also finding a new job.

At that point you're going to look back on this and think how that little "getting away with something we're not supposed to" giddy rush wasn't worth it. So maybe just skip all that and put a stop to it now.

 

[Null]

My advice?

 

[WasabiPoptart]

Personally I don't think it's worth jeopardizing your life over this. Infatuation comes and goes, but permanently fucking up your life for someone at a very different stage of their own life is probably not the best idea.

That said, if this person finds a new place of employment in the future and the feelings are still there, then sure, go for it.

^^^^ All of that.

 

[Ravenpoe]

"pessimistic."

Realistic

 

[bhamv3]

Just gonna say that, from where I'm sitting, it seems the risk isn't worth it. I mean, this is literally your career, your livelihood on the line. Also the age thing, while not insurmountable, will add another layer of difficulty to an already risky relationship.

But I have to acknowledge that I'm sitting from the sidelines, and you're the one actually on the field, and only you can make the call of whether the risk is worth the reward.

 

[Hailey Knight]

Imagine the day after you lose your job, she breaks up with you because she's still sorting out her life like any normal early 20-something.

 

[Null]

I mean, this is a girl who has basically no life experience. You really can't have an emotionally satisfying relationship with a child like that.

You will have been only 5 years younger than she is now, when she was born.

 

[Ravenpoe]

 

[drifter]

Start scene:

"So she's twenty years younger than me, and I'll get fired if work finds out and I really need this job. But I feel like there's really a conncection there so I..."

 

[Tress]

I agree with most everyone else here. If your job wasn’t on the line, I would say go for it. But until your livelihood is completely separate from dating this girl, you should keep your distance. If she leaves the job, or you leave the job, then fine. But not a moment sooner.

 

[figmentPez]

As someone in his late thirties who has spent a lot of time, recently, around college age ladies, I'm going to chip in my two cents: She's probably not as mature as you think she is. Even if she is, the life experience gap is a major hurdle in relating to one another.

I say that having known some really remarkable young women. Ones that have held down two part time jobs, and taken a full course load of college classes. Women who have been self-supporting and independent from before they were old enough to drink. Women who have done more with their lives by 24 than I have in my 39 years. People that age really can be remarkably mature... but that tends to happen in limited areas. They've gotten a lot more maturity points to dump into a few maturity stats, but even then you probably just haven't seen the areas where they haven't matured yet. Maturity isn't a singular thing, just like knowledge isn't. Ever have a conversation with someone and they know like everything about a subject, and you think they must be smart, but then you find out they don't know shit about anything else? Chances are you've just seen how mature she is in certain areas, but you haven't noticed that she's still very much a college girl, or even a child, in a lot of other ways.

When (not "if") you come across the ways in which she's still maturing, it's gonna be a slap in the face. What's worse is that you're not always going to always know if it's really her being immature, or if it's just your prejudice against opinions different than your own. One of the problems with getting older is assuming that all your viewpoints are better because of your experience. In any case, you're going to have to deal with the gulf that exists between you on an issue. That's true of every relationship, but an imbalance of power makes dealing with such differences in opinion much more dangerous.

I can't tell you if that's going to make things end in disaster. I really don't know enough about relationships to say. And I don't know enough about your life experience to know how big the gap is. Personally, I don't have the life experience of your average 39 year old. I had been "mature for my age" as a kid, up until my twenties, when my health problems and lack of gaining life experience started to put me behind. Now I'm well behind my best friend Kris, who is less than a year older than I am, but has been married for like 17 years, and working full time in a career for most of that. When we met in high school, he and I were evenly matched. For a while now he's been the older and much more experienced than I am, and it's changed the dynamic of our friendship. Not significantly, but enough to notice. Hell, sometimes @LittleKagsin is the more mature and experienced friend between she and I, though that shifts back and forth depending on the subject.

I get along well with a lot of the young women I've met through taking college classes and acting. Some of them have become very close friends, and I've been romantically interested in some. My perspective on that changes. Sometimes I think it's for the best none of them have returned my interest, and other times I think I would be very well matched with someone in her mid twenties, because of my lack of life experience. But even with my lack of real world experience, it's an iffy thing, because I have been living and not in a coma or anything. I can't imagine someone who has actually been in a career for most of their adult life being on even footing with a 22 year-old.

Some thoughts:
- If you've been dating on-and-off for most of your adult life, and she's only had one or two relationships. That's gonna be complicated, especially if she dated like one guy for most of high school. Like, it's not a warning flag that somethings wrong with her, but if she's had just that one relationship, she's going to be approaching this relationship from a completely different direction than you are, and the complications from that are immense. Things could really explode in your face.

- You haven't mentioned having anything in common. Even if you enjoy some of the same things, you probably don't want the same things out of life. Wanting each other is not the same thing as wanting to have lives together.

- Do you get along with her friends? I'm assuming you probably don't really care for them a lot, since most people that age annoy you. That's a really big issue.

- Don't keep going with this relationship if you have to hide it.