I almost did something really stupid that would have changed my life.

[Shegokigo]

I've been gone because I've really been crazy busy. Work + Life + New Girlfriend = No free time.

This girl has really opened my eyes to what a relationship can be about. I've always gone from relationship to relationship based on sexual and physical reasons. Only because I felt I was so absolutely unrelatable to anyone. I'm demented to the point where I've done and would do things that no righteous and good hearted person would. My "likes/dislikes" are not remotely normal for women to do/like. I also don't really follow much conventional thinking in almost any aspect.

Then I met "her".... She was exactly like me in every way. She thinks like I do, she acts like I do, we share everything in common. In every single way she is my other half. All but one.... I'm attracted to her, but I'm not in lustful passion over her. We've been having sex since the first week we dated and it's "good", but nowhere near what I'm used to. I've actually avoided the situation all together at times because of how much I'd rather just spend time with her than to take it "there".

Problem is, she is towards me. I find it impossible to turn her down but at the same time I know she notices a problem. I don't want to screw things up with her, she's everything I ever wanted in a relationship when I was in my previous ones, and yet..... *ugh*

Now for the newest problem. My ex-girlfriend, the one you all remember fucked me over royally and left me about 8-9 months ago. She's been calling and texting me constantly.... and I've been recipricating. I didn't at first, I told her I found someone who made me happy and I moved on. She doesn't buy it.... and she's partially right. I find myself thinking of her, imagining her, lusting after her.... so I tell her that I'm not going to leave my girlfriend for her and she says that I don't have to... she just wants to sleep with me again, if for at least one last time.

I told her no on a number of occassions now, but I still let her flirt with me. I still let her tell me how much she needs me. I still let her get to me. Now the big problem. She's coming to town. I moved 4hrs away just to get away from everything that reminds me of her, and she's coming. She doesn't know where I live but she has my number and she's told me that even though I've said "no", she knows that if she's in town, I'll see her.

I'm afraid she's right. I really am. I've never NEVER cheated on anyone. I detest it with the passion of a 1000 fiery suns. I even told my current girlfriend that I was talking to her (as a friend, because that was what it was at first) and that she was coming up here to see me as a friend. I even told her that I didn't think my exes intentions were not completely pure. She responded by telling me that she trusted me completely, loves me, and if it's something I feel I need to do (talk to her in person) then I should do it and she supports me.

That was like a knife to the heart. I'm ready to scream over here.... I know what's the right decision, I know what's the wrong decision, yet I don't think I can do the right thing.... I hate every second of this feeling...

(This is not a cry for help, or opinions though they're always welcome, this was mostly a rant to people I consider friends and needed to get it off my chest)

EDIT:
********** It's done, I put a complete stop to it all last night. I called her and pretty much told her almost a tee what she told me when she decided she was going to leave. I told her that I loved her, but wasn't in love with her and if she truly did love me and care about me, she'd want me to be happy. She wasn't making me happy and was actually actively causing my already attained happiness to be in jeopardy.

As for having a last fling with her, she knows that I could never compromise my feelings on the subject and I refused to create any kind of rift in my current relationship for something I was just going to regret anyway.

Her response was that I was breaking her heart, and that I had no idea how badly it hurt her for me to do what I was doing. I responded that I know exactly how it feels, because it was what I went through when she walked out my door and into her car that last time. She proceeded to almost say, verbatum, everything I told her the final time I tried to keep her from leaving. It bordered on creepy that it was almost like listening to myself all those months ago.

After she realized she wasn't going to change my mind, she got slightly upset, told me that she was going to change her number and vanish from my life, though she said her reasons were that so that I could be happy and wished me the best. Hoping that I wouldn't regret my decision because she wouldn't be around if my relationship failed and went looking for her ***********

 

[Krisken]

Good luck with that Shego. I guess it just boils down to what you find most important- bounce off the walls sex or emotional fulfillment.

 

[strawman]

That's frustrating!

Guess what? Your ex, the one who screwed you over? Yeah, she wants to screw you over, all over again. She's intent on destroying your current relationship, even if she claims otherwise.

Don't give in. Very few couples match exactly sexually, and if you work with your GF you two can figure things out. The important bit is that you love each other, and that you're both interested in working to make sure you're both happy.

But you know what's going to happen if you even meet your ex for coffee. She'll have a hotel room nearby. Things will inevitably progress to the point where you won't be able to resist, by small and sure means she will drop kick you. And whether you'll be able to get back in the good graces of your GF is unknown right now.

Is it worth it?

My advice: Completely and utterly cut communications off with your ex for the next month. It's very likely the only way you will avoid being tempted, and the only message she will hear loud and clear about whether there's a chance of you two getting back together again.

 

[Dave]

I'm not going to say "don't do it" because you already know that's the answer. In the end it's one night of passion against a possible lifetime of happiness. Pleasing a person who has hurt you in the past or a person who has done nothing to deserve it.

I'd block the ex's number and never speak with her again. But then again that's easy for me to say, right?

 

[Disconnected]

i cheated.
don't fucking do it.

 

[Mathias]

uh....

I'll be in my bunk....

 

[Null]

Good luck resolving that one, Shecky.

 

[Shegokigo]

It's really not about pleasing her, or letting her get her way... its that I want it, I want to please me that way....

I know, I KNOW I should have ignored her phone calls. I know KNOW that I should block her number. I know that I will never be able to let myself live with the "secret" if I do it, I'll ruin everything that I have with my current love. I just want to be happy with her, in every way. She tries so hard too, she already talks about all the things she wants to do with me and they're heads and shoulders over what anyone before her was willing to.

So why the fuck do I even consider this? I hate it. I hate every damn second of it. Most of all I hate that I can't just do what I KNOW I should.

 

[Dave]

By the way, if it helps, we ALL feel these feelings of "Aw yeah I need to hit that!!" Rising above is what we do as humans.

 

[Null]

Sounds like the situation in Lily Allen's song It's Not Fair

 

[LordRavage]

Dear Shego...

Relationships are hard work. They never come out of the box neat and ready to play. Sometimes you have to work at it. The sex part can be an issue but it shouldnt be an issue where you want/need to cheat. You have to look at the bigger picture. The current girlfriend has one bad thing that stands out in your mind but you should focus on all the many other things that make her special to you. I know, easy to say, harder to do but as I said, relationships are not easy. People tend to grow up seeing the negative and bypass all the positive. (I am not saying your doing that. Just being a little general.)

As for the X. She is trying a power play on you. By texting and talking to her, you are still under her influence. She will say and do anything to convince you to do something you do not want to do. In essense, she will try to seduce you so she can bring chaos back to your life. Now dont get me wrong, a fine seduction is all hot and steamy and sure, its gonna feel great but we are back to the bigger picture. You risk losing this wonderful person you met for a few hours of lustful pleasure. And please remind me, the X was a person who screwed with your life pretty hardcore from what I last remember.

Your current love trusts you. How far will you gals go if that trust is broken?

Options-
A. If you feel you need to play with your X, talk "open relationship" with the current love.
B. Turn that lust of your X on your current love. Burn it out of your system.
C. Have a one time steamy fling with your X in secret. Never tell your current GF. Take it to your grave.
D. Introduce your X and current GF and the three of you....Well...you know where this is going.
E. Cut off contact with X till the end of time.
F. Break up with current GF. It seems you still need time to sort out your feelings.
G. Do what you want to do and commit to it. Right or wrong, be comfortable that it was your decision.
H. Find another route to this problem.
I. None of the above.

~Julian

 

[Shegokigo]

I knew bringing it up here was a good idea, I miss the hell out of you guys.

Ravage always good to hear from you. Love hearing your perspective on things:
A: We've talked open relationship already since we both have histories in it. We've shelved it for now to focus on each other but will probably be doing a bit of that in the future.
B: That's what I've been trying to do so far, which in turn makes me end up thinking of X while with her.
C: It's currently one of the things I'm trying to fight not to give in to but know I'm failing.
D: X has already said she doesn't want a group thing, just a 1on1 with me and I know girlfriend would NOT go for it if there was any emotional attachement between the 3rd party.
E: See [C]
F: This is one option I'm just not willing to do, I want to be stronger than that and do not NOT want to chance losing her.
G: I will, one way or another....
H: Well they'd never find the bodies....
I. See [H]

 

[Dave]

I think Melissa Etheridge said it best.

 

[@Li3n]

And that's why being a control freak comes in handy sometimes... i wouldn't do the ex only because there's no way i would ever let anyone know they have that kind of power over me... now if you'll excuse me i have to crawl in the hidden space behind my tv in my cardbord box and go dream of lesbian treeways...

 

[SpecialKO]

Sheg, if this were simple lust for another person you've met, I would say talk it over with your GF, you both sound like you could deal with that however it turns out.

This thing with your ex though is just a power-play. You might enjoy the lust, but a practically literal mountain of emotional shit will fall on you afterwards, and there's no possible way that will end well.

Have you talked to your GF about how your sex drive doesn't seem compatible? In my personal experience, I've found that when two people really connect emotionally, it can be really scary to reveal the depths of your sexual desires to the other person, because you really, really don't want to lose that connection. You may not be the only one trying to work that side of the relationship out.

 

[Denbrought]

(...) go dream of lesbian treeways...

 

[Dave]

Treesome?

 

[Shegokigo]

Sheg, if this were simple lust for another person you've met, I would say talk it over with your GF, you both sound like you could deal with that however it turns out.

Yeah, pretty much.

This thing with your ex though is just a power-play. You might enjoy the lust, but a practically literal mountain of emotional shit will fall on you afterwards, and there's no possible way that will end well.

It's already a mountain load of emotional shit, so I can see it only getting worse afterward...

Have you talked to your GF about how your sex drive doesn't seem compatible? In my personal experience, I've found that when two people really connect emotionally, it can be really scary to reveal the depths of your sexual desires to the other person, because you really, really don't want to lose that connection. You may not be the only one trying to work that side of the relationship out.

Yeah, I haven't brought it up because the sexual "problem" in the bedroom is very obviously one sided... which makes it worse. I mean if it were trouble on both sides? No problem, much easier to talk about.

I think the problem here is that I obviously still have some lingering feelings for X. If this were just some hot girl trying to get into my pants and my girlfriend wasn't up for it? I wouldn't second think it. I'd pass it up in a heartbeat.... and there in lies my problem. I don't WANT to have ANY feelings for X at all. I know for a FACT that if I slept with her, she'd just use that as some kind of leverage to make me leave my girlfriend...

 

[strawman]

Oh, also, the fantasy and memory of your previous sexual relationship as it exists in your head is miles better than what it will actually be if you attempt to realize it again. Perhaps it will be better than what you have now, but it won't be nearly as good as you remember, and not anywhere near as good as you imagine it would be.

Your imagination is generally far better than reality, and I suspect you can think back on your past and recognize this. It may still be great - but immediately afterward you'd be thinking, "I traded my GF for *this* momentary pleasure?"

Also, this too shall pass. It's rough, but continue to give it time and distance.
Added at: 15:43

I haven't brought it up because the sexual "problem" in the bedroom is very obviously one sided.

I hate to stereotype, but that's a very guy problem, so if/when you want to discuss here how you might bring it up there and possible reactions, I think you'll find a lot of interesting perspectives here.

 

[Shegokigo]

The biggest thing I worry about, is losing my "moral high ground" by doing this. I've never cheated. I've always been so adamant against people who do. By doing this I "fall" and no longer have any ground to stand on with the subject. Will it become a growing problem? "Well she's pretty hot, not my girlfriends type... I got away with it once..."

*Ugh* that thought sickens me.

 

[SpecialKO]

Have you considered dressing up your GF like your ex while you dress up like her ex?

...I swear to fucking god, I'm totally serious.

 

[Null]

Well, if you want to be a stupid and worthless person, go for it.

 

[Disconnected]

I am now envisioning myself dressed as my ex
oh god I did it wrong.

 

[SpecialKO]

I think fantasies should be indulged, but in as safe and non-destructive kind of way as possible.

 

[Shegokigo]

KO: Yeah, her ex is a guy and I don't do the "butch" thing. Also my ex is so far from what my current girlfriend is like, it'd pretty much be an insult to her...

Lying Bastard: Excuse me?

Disconnected: I suppose in a straight relationship, that could totally be weird

 

[Null]

Lying Bastard: Excuse me?

There is no good reason to even entertain this notion, other than to purposefully ruin what you have. And for what? One night of slightly better sex? If you do anything with your ex, it means you are a stupid and worthless person who's willing to trade a good relationship with someone for the sake of getting off. So, if you want to be a stupid and worthless person, by all means, go ahead and hook up with your ex. If you don't want to be a stupid and worthless person, avoid her.

 

[Shegokigo]

*sigh* That's just it LB I know that. I want to believe I'm smarter/better than that. If I were though, I would have never even considered it. Yet every day closer that Saturday comes, I get worse and worse.

You are right though, thanks for the Tough Love, it's appreciated very much. Knew I always liked you for a reason.

 

[Null]

Well, if it's any consolation, I have something like that going on, only not really like it at all, and I don't know what I'm going to do about it either. Although in my case, I'd be the third party.

 

[Adam]

Just tell the current gf that you're thinking of doing this. That'll give you a clear indication of what would happen if you did it. If she freaks out and dumps you, she would have done that anyways. If she's okay with it, hooray! Best of both worlds.

And as for the cheating thing, it's not like kids are involved (Unless you're a pederast!) and you don't live with the person. So, the biggest problem with cheating is you're going to break someone's heart. I hear that you can get replacement ones cheap nowadays.

 

[Chibibar]

Shego....... Wow that is rough. I just have to say that don't go see her. She tore you apart before and AGAIN when you did try to make things work. I have to agree with some of the people here that your ex might try to screw things over with your new partner (she sounds great btw)

Your partner trusts you (that is awesome) and loves you. I say stick with that and move on. I know you had feelings for your ex cause you were with her for a long time. That is hard to make it go away, but try as you might, don't go see her. IF you NEED to see your ex, I say take a friend with you as a "shield" if possible.

You are a strong woman. That I feel from you. I'm sure you will do what your head is telling you. I know you can do this.

 

[Shegokigo]

Just tell the current gf that you're thinking of doing this. That'll give you a clear indication of what would happen if you did it. If she freaks out and dumps you, she would have done that anyways. If she's okay with it, hooray! Best of both worlds.

That's just it, I'm not decided on doing it. If I told her, the sad part? I know she'd stay with me, but the purity of her love for me would be forever tainted and I wouldn't be able to live with knowing I caused that. I just wouldn't.

And as for the cheating thing, it's not like kids are involved (Unless you're a pederast!) and you don't live with the person. So, the biggest problem with cheating is you're going to break someone's heart. I hear that you can get replacement ones cheap nowadays.

I've broken hearts before, without a second thought. I moved on when I felt it was time. I've had mine broken, twice really hard too. It's not really that keeping me back, I mean granted it's a large part, but again like my previous post, it's really about losing one of the few moral standards I actually have (and I assure you, they're VERY few).

Shego....... Wow that is rough. I just have to say that don't go see her. She tore you apart before and AGAIN when you did try to make things work. I have to agree with some of the people here that your ex might try to screw things over with your new partner (she sounds great btw)

She is easily my longest and biggest mistake, to be sure. Which again makes me feel like a complete mental case for considering this, KNOWING everything I know about her. As for my current love? She's more than great, she's basically a replica of me in almost every way. She's just as demented, just as freaky, we think on the exact same wavelengths, and can have entire conversations without saying a word..... *sighs dreamily*

Your partner trusts you (that is awesome) and loves you. I say stick with that and move on. I know you had feelings for your ex cause you were with her for a long time. That is hard to make it go away, but try as you might, don't go see her. IF you NEED to see your ex, I say take a friend with you as a "shield" if possible.

That's actually kind of funny, when I first mentioned to my girlfriend that my Xs intentions were probably not pure, she said "Well then I'll go with you and make sure she knows she can't have any of this" and proceeded to ass/tit grab me in the middle of the parking lot we were walking through.

You are a strong woman. That I feel from you. I'm sure you will do what your head is telling you. I know you can do this.

It's definitely not my head that's having issues with this. My brain is screaming at me that I'm a complete idiot and I should know better....

 

[Dave]

There's always that one person that makes you feel like an utter and complete fool. That one person that is your personal Kryptonite. It's like a drug - you know it's bad for you but the fix feels so damned good! But always remember the memory of the fix is better than the fix itself.

 

[Piotyr]

This sounds like a prime case of the "grass is greener" philosophy. The memory glosses over the negative and sees only positive.

When it boils down to it, you just have to decide whether love or lust is more important to you. You seem to acknowledge the consequences, but always with a caveat to soften it. Just accept it for what it is: love or lust, sex or trust.

EDIT: I was once in a situation exactly as you describe. I chose love, because I think it lasts longer.

 

[Adam]

But always remember the memory of the fix is better than the fix itself.

You're doing it wrong!
Added at: 21:34

This sounds like a prime case of the "grass is greener" philosophy. The memory glosses over the negative and sees only positive.

When it boils down to it, you just have to decide whether love or lust is more important to you. You seem to acknowledge the consequences, but always with a caveat to soften it. Just accept it for what it is: love or lust, sex or trust.

I don't see any such glossing on Shego's part. She just wants a good fuck.

 

[LordRavage]

"That's actually kind of funny, when I first mentioned to my girlfriend that my Xs intentions were probably not pure, she said "Well then I'll go with you and make sure she knows she can't have any of this" and proceeded to ass/tit grab me in the middle of the parking lot we were walking through."

I like this girl already.