So far the only mention of LOVE has been in regard to your new GF's feeling for you. You claim emotional involvement, but if you can even consider playing away, then it seems that you have not yet strong enough feelings for you new partner.
I almost did something really stupid that would have changed my life.
- Thread starter Shegokigo
- Start date
- Status
I have almost no business replying to this as I am not a particularly great person to be with in a relationship, and have been cheated on by nearly everyone I've dated. And this isn't to give you the 'it's so awful for the other person' guilt speech. I assume you're not stupid and don't need the condescending nonsense.
But I sympathize. I tend to be very selfish, and I am not patient with myself or other people. Often times in spite of the many great things a person may provide to me I obsess over the single thing I view as a 'failing' or a difficult part of the relationship, whether it's a friend or a girlfriend. Sometimes I acknowledge my selfishness as justified -that is, I feel... maybe 'unwanted' isn't the right word, but as though people do not do anything for me, so why should I ever try to do anything for them? In contrast to this, I rarely outwardly want to hurt people for my personal gain, such as cheating on them, or taking something from them, etc.
And, although I really never talk about my sex life, so this is weird for me: I think I have been in the situations of both you and your current GF: I have been uncontrollably filled with lust for a girl who seemed... less enthusiastic when intimate, and I have been with a girl who definitely enjoyed our sex and I was sometimes less receptive. I guess the reasons are complicated and I know for me I have reservations bringing up things I enjoy, especially fetishes or fantasies with someone I have feelings for because I fear they'd see me in a different light... Even though I "know" rationally they wouldn't, and I'm probably not all that weird, I don't want to blow a goat or shit on the bed, I ain't that crazy. But more than this, I have trouble addressing the idea that one of us isn't getting the most of our sex lives. I would fear more than anything than ADMITTING there's an issue would somehow worsen it.
However, although I am not in a relationship now, I have to believe I am completely wrong and that bringing it up would only have improved our sex lives and possibly relationships. In fact, in conversations with one ex-girlfriend and a few former... paramours, shall we say to be tactful, the consensus seems to be it would have helped.
Wow I feel like I said a whole bunch of not really helpful personal stuff soooooo... Good luck? It seems daunting to find happiness with another person, so whatever happens I guess I just hope you can succeed in that.
But I sympathize. I tend to be very selfish, and I am not patient with myself or other people. Often times in spite of the many great things a person may provide to me I obsess over the single thing I view as a 'failing' or a difficult part of the relationship, whether it's a friend or a girlfriend. Sometimes I acknowledge my selfishness as justified -that is, I feel... maybe 'unwanted' isn't the right word, but as though people do not do anything for me, so why should I ever try to do anything for them? In contrast to this, I rarely outwardly want to hurt people for my personal gain, such as cheating on them, or taking something from them, etc.
And, although I really never talk about my sex life, so this is weird for me: I think I have been in the situations of both you and your current GF: I have been uncontrollably filled with lust for a girl who seemed... less enthusiastic when intimate, and I have been with a girl who definitely enjoyed our sex and I was sometimes less receptive. I guess the reasons are complicated and I know for me I have reservations bringing up things I enjoy, especially fetishes or fantasies with someone I have feelings for because I fear they'd see me in a different light... Even though I "know" rationally they wouldn't, and I'm probably not all that weird, I don't want to blow a goat or shit on the bed, I ain't that crazy. But more than this, I have trouble addressing the idea that one of us isn't getting the most of our sex lives. I would fear more than anything than ADMITTING there's an issue would somehow worsen it.
However, although I am not in a relationship now, I have to believe I am completely wrong and that bringing it up would only have improved our sex lives and possibly relationships. In fact, in conversations with one ex-girlfriend and a few former... paramours, shall we say to be tactful, the consensus seems to be it would have helped.
Wow I feel like I said a whole bunch of not really helpful personal stuff soooooo... Good luck? It seems daunting to find happiness with another person, so whatever happens I guess I just hope you can succeed in that.
C
Chibibar
It is like Castle.... Shego's ex is a fried twinkie 
Shego: I know that your head is screaming at you that is why I said go with your head cause your heart is messing you up.
But you know what? I say take up your partner's advice. Take her with you. (feels a bit evil) that way you can show your ex what she missed out on. She had her chance, you gave her a chance, but she didn't want it and that was it. I hate to be the bad guy saying "You snooze you lose" but that is life. Life is not fair (in this case to her) so she have to live with it. I know it is mean, but hey. Karma is a bitch sometimes. I am glad that you finally found someone that you can be completely yourself with. It is an awesome feeling (that is what I have with my wife)
Basically it means that it is good once in a while, but having it all the time is bad for you. Richard Castle said that about his first ex-wife, the mother of his daughter. They are divorced, but once in a while he still have mad wild sex with her BUT Richard in the show is single and not attached.
But you know what? I say take up your partner's advice. Take her with you. (feels a bit evil) that way you can show your ex what she missed out on. She had her chance, you gave her a chance, but she didn't want it and that was it. I hate to be the bad guy saying "You snooze you lose" but that is life. Life is not fair (in this case to her) so she have to live with it. I know it is mean, but hey. Karma is a bitch sometimes. I am glad that you finally found someone that you can be completely yourself with. It is an awesome feeling (that is what I have with my wife)
Because of my complete non-experience with relationships (and my personal insecurities and cowardice in these matters), I can't really elaborate on any advice that comes from any kind of personal experience, but having heard of your past love trouble in the forums, all I can say is that I think you deserve to finally find somebody you really connect with and, with that in mind, I would try to avoid all contact with the ex at all cost. I'd also speak with your GF about the sexual problems you are experiencing, to try and solve them.
If you finally choose not to see your ex, just take that decision and run with it as far as you can, don't allow her siren's call to reach you. Be as stubborn as you can, maybe even a little blind until the risk ends, and don't give in.
Keep strong, Shego! As little as it may help you, you have my support.
(edited for poor phrasing that seemed to say you shouldn't talk to your current gf)
If you finally choose not to see your ex, just take that decision and run with it as far as you can, don't allow her siren's call to reach you. Be as stubborn as you can, maybe even a little blind until the risk ends, and don't give in.
Keep strong, Shego! As little as it may help you, you have my support.
(edited for poor phrasing that seemed to say you shouldn't talk to your current gf)
Chad: Side note: Damnit I'm having hell trying to remember your original username, it'll come to me I'm sure. Believe it or not, you post was helpful, it gives me some perspective on a few things so thank you.
Chibi: It's more my sex drive than my heart that's causing the issues, but there is a bit of heart in it. Though nowhere on the level that my girlfriend makes me feel, emotionally. I wouldn't take her with me, because if it comes to seeing X, I'd only be going to see the X for one reason. Not to be "friendly catch up chatty" we can do that on text. It's not to see if we can get back together, because I flat out told her there wasn't a chance in hell that would happen. It'd be for one thing only.
You're absolutely right, she had her chance. I practically begged her not to leave in the end, was willing to give her everything and more, and she still walked out on me. In retrospect, I would have been so miserable and destroyed as a person had she kept me around.
And yes, being with my girlfriend is an amazing feeling. We play WoW together, she server moved just to play in the same heroics/raids as me, she comes over almost every weekend for 2-3 days at a time. We love the same type of movies and games. She's just my everything.... almost. Damnit....
Ada: Even the thought of Dave wouldn't be enough to deter me when my lust hits over-drive... that's my biggest problem... I know my ex can push those exact buttons to send me there, and she has been. Picture texts, emails, etc....
Chibi: It's more my sex drive than my heart that's causing the issues, but there is a bit of heart in it. Though nowhere on the level that my girlfriend makes me feel, emotionally. I wouldn't take her with me, because if it comes to seeing X, I'd only be going to see the X for one reason. Not to be "friendly catch up chatty" we can do that on text. It's not to see if we can get back together, because I flat out told her there wasn't a chance in hell that would happen. It'd be for one thing only.
You're absolutely right, she had her chance. I practically begged her not to leave in the end, was willing to give her everything and more, and she still walked out on me. In retrospect, I would have been so miserable and destroyed as a person had she kept me around.
And yes, being with my girlfriend is an amazing feeling. We play WoW together, she server moved just to play in the same heroics/raids as me, she comes over almost every weekend for 2-3 days at a time. We love the same type of movies and games. She's just my everything.... almost. Damnit....
Ada: Even the thought of Dave wouldn't be enough to deter me when my lust hits over-drive... that's my biggest problem... I know my ex can push those exact buttons to send me there, and she has been. Picture texts, emails, etc....
See Dave? I told you that your Shegokigo fantasy is not completely impossible.
We should get all the HF men to email you sexy times.
"I'd like to balance YOUR chequebook"
Edit: SHIT, now Makare's gonna come in here and call me an accountant
figmentPez
Staff member
Maybe I'm naive, but if she means that much to you, why not work on fixing or adding on what's broken or missing? If sex isn't amazing, then work on changing that.
Jelly: Your words and support have always been welcome. Thank you for the words of confidence. Just for that, I'm going to go home and photoshop your sig Silver.
Steiny: That's cruel, you know Dave is gonna torture himself over the impossibility now. Way to go.
Ada: Hmm, yeah... great idea. I have a better one. Send me some postal mail with your full addresses written very clearly and that "sexy times" messages.
Pez: You're not naive at all. You're absolutely right. I don't doubt for a minute that my girlfriend is willing to do anything and everything she can to make that part of our life work.
------ The more and more I'm talking about this, the stronger and stronger I'm getting to call this nonsense off with X -------
Steiny: That's cruel, you know Dave is gonna torture himself over the impossibility now. Way to go.
Ada: Hmm, yeah... great idea. I have a better one. Send me some postal mail with your full addresses written very clearly and that "sexy times" messages.
Pez: You're not naive at all. You're absolutely right. I don't doubt for a minute that my girlfriend is willing to do anything and everything she can to make that part of our life work.
------ The more and more I'm talking about this, the stronger and stronger I'm getting to call this nonsense off with X -------
Garbledina. I had changed it back to that but then when we switched over to XenForo it apparently reverted to Chad Sexington and I can't change it now, I don't think... So Chad Sexington is back, and frankly I just hope phil and makare are happy about that.
Anyways, I am glad if it gave you any help. If I come up with something more insightful I'll pass it along, I suppose.
Added at: 15:22
Anyways, I am glad if it gave you any help. If I come up with something more insightful I'll pass it along, I suppose.
Added at: 15:22
I know they say it's self-abuse but I'd hardly call it torture....
^_^Just for that, I'm going to go home and photoshop your sig Silver.
B
Biannoshufu
Here's an option:
Honestly share your disappointment in the bedroom with your current gf. If you can't communicate your feelings honestly about your needs, the relationship is already dying. I'm betting that if you do it diplomatically though, you'll pull it off. Be open about what you love about her, everything that makes her great, and then mention where you wish it could be better. Expect to be told that you're not hitting all her buttons either. Explore your sexual needs together as a couple. Every good couple does this.
The time your ex is in town? Take a vacation with your current GF. Remember what she has, mind wise, that no one else on earth has.
and lastly, change your fucking #. Use the stalker excuse, if the cell company gets annoyed.
I'm really really rooting for you on this.
Honestly share your disappointment in the bedroom with your current gf. If you can't communicate your feelings honestly about your needs, the relationship is already dying. I'm betting that if you do it diplomatically though, you'll pull it off. Be open about what you love about her, everything that makes her great, and then mention where you wish it could be better. Expect to be told that you're not hitting all her buttons either. Explore your sexual needs together as a couple. Every good couple does this.
The time your ex is in town? Take a vacation with your current GF. Remember what she has, mind wise, that no one else on earth has.
and lastly, change your fucking #. Use the stalker excuse, if the cell company gets annoyed.
I'm really really rooting for you on this.
C
Chibibar
Shego: the physical aspect can be great, but when it boils down to it.... it is just physical. While it can be a part or even major part (importance to you), I feel that the emotional aspect is more important. That is what last. That is what sticks. 40 years from now, 60 years from now, where you may or may not be able to be a "physical" as you are now, you will still have the same wonderful feeling with your current partner than your ex.
Yea, I'm thinking in long terms.
Many people have fallen on the wayside due to their physical need that their partner didn't give. BUT, you said your partner is almost just like you (in all aspect) that means the physical part can be taught/learn and heck, even discover new things that you can do together.
Yea, I'm thinking in long terms.
Many people have fallen on the wayside due to their physical need that their partner didn't give. BUT, you said your partner is almost just like you (in all aspect) that means the physical part can be taught/learn and heck, even discover new things that you can do together.
Biannoshufu has basically hit on the head what I was already going to say, and I'm not feeling like jumping on the "lesbian fun-times YAY" joking bandwagon (mostly because I don't think I can pull it off successfully like these chaps here. *grins*), so I shall just wish you the best of luck.
Teach your current flame about your buttons, perhaps? Something like "We're going to play a game, called 'Hot or Cold.' If you win, you get a SPECIAL prize." *cocks eyebrow*
Teach your current flame about your buttons, perhaps? Something like "We're going to play a game, called 'Hot or Cold.' If you win, you get a SPECIAL prize." *cocks eyebrow*
North_Ranger
Staff member
I am, I believe, somewhat unworthy to give advice in a situation is like this, because I have been the target of an ex booty-call... one which I accepted, because in the end sex was the only thing that was amazing in our relationship. The difference, however, is that I was single at the time... and she called it off, saying she just wanted to see if I'd fall for it. At which point I told her to go fuck herself and broke up contact with her. I severely dislike being fucked around with.
That being said... I think you know yourself what you need to do, what's the right thing to do. If you had no qualms about going and breaking the bed with your ex, you would not have ranted about it. Nor would you have revealed that you have feelings for your current girlfriend, feelings that go beyond lust. Nor would you have told you suspected your ex was just going to fuck around with you and hopefully break your relationship.
You know what's the right thing to do, Shegs. 'cause if you don't, I owe you a pimp slap. And I always pay my debts.
Added at: 00:48
That being said... I think you know yourself what you need to do, what's the right thing to do. If you had no qualms about going and breaking the bed with your ex, you would not have ranted about it. Nor would you have revealed that you have feelings for your current girlfriend, feelings that go beyond lust. Nor would you have told you suspected your ex was just going to fuck around with you and hopefully break your relationship.
You know what's the right thing to do, Shegs. 'cause if you don't, I owe you a pimp slap. And I always pay my debts.
Added at: 00:48
Also what Judge Dredd said.
My world is a brighter place with you in it.
Don't do it. It isn't worth the risk for such a brief relief.
If your new GF is really worth it, talk to her about your concerns and see if the two of you might be able to spice things up. That is worth more effort and time than back sliding to your ex for a one-off. If for some reason that doesn't work out, your ex will still be there (though if you aren't currently attached who knows if her offer will still stand and that will tell you loads).
If your new GF is really worth it, talk to her about your concerns and see if the two of you might be able to spice things up. That is worth more effort and time than back sliding to your ex for a one-off. If for some reason that doesn't work out, your ex will still be there (though if you aren't currently attached who knows if her offer will still stand and that will tell you loads).
Dave
Staff member
I can always change it back....
And with one sentence Silver Jelly inspired me to post in the one word only thread.
C
Crafter
I'm not sure if it's too late to throw my opinion/experience in here, but I will anyway. 
I was in a (looking back now, very poor) relationship with a girl for about three years. It was one of those things where it really wasn't a good relationship, but we had gone through so much together that it felt right. We "loved" each other, talked about our future together, etc etc. About a year ago, she decided to leave me and tell me she hasn't loved me for months at that point. Obviously crushed, I couldn't possibly conceive how someone could just up and say something like that. As it turned out, and I found out from a few friends, she had been cheating on me with this guy I was already suspicious of, and then decided that she wanted to be with him full time. So yes, being cheated on does suck. But that's not what I'm getting at.
After months went by, I starting dating another girl that I've known for a long time. Things are amazing with her; I've never felt so close or so perfect with anyone before. I wouldn't trade this for anything in the world. After a while, my ex found out about my new relationship. Suddenly, the girl who "didn't love me" for so long got instantly jealous and started texting/talking to me on facebook. I could tell she was just trying to make me miss her or "fall under her spell" again. At this point, I just stopped talking to her. In my opinion, even though I was never once tempted by her, it was still extremely easy to stop talking to her because I knew I had it better with my current girlfriend. While you may feel very lustful towards your ex, like many have said before, she will only make you miserable in the long run. Your current girlfriend makes you happy from the sound of it, and your ex seems to just want to drive that relationship apart.
It may take a lot of willpower, but I really think you should just change your number and cut off all contact with the ex immediately, lest you make a mess out of your current situation (more than it is, at least).
Edit: man, I'm awful at giving advice ._.
I was in a (looking back now, very poor) relationship with a girl for about three years. It was one of those things where it really wasn't a good relationship, but we had gone through so much together that it felt right. We "loved" each other, talked about our future together, etc etc. About a year ago, she decided to leave me and tell me she hasn't loved me for months at that point. Obviously crushed, I couldn't possibly conceive how someone could just up and say something like that. As it turned out, and I found out from a few friends, she had been cheating on me with this guy I was already suspicious of, and then decided that she wanted to be with him full time. So yes, being cheated on does suck. But that's not what I'm getting at.
After months went by, I starting dating another girl that I've known for a long time. Things are amazing with her; I've never felt so close or so perfect with anyone before. I wouldn't trade this for anything in the world. After a while, my ex found out about my new relationship. Suddenly, the girl who "didn't love me" for so long got instantly jealous and started texting/talking to me on facebook. I could tell she was just trying to make me miss her or "fall under her spell" again. At this point, I just stopped talking to her. In my opinion, even though I was never once tempted by her, it was still extremely easy to stop talking to her because I knew I had it better with my current girlfriend. While you may feel very lustful towards your ex, like many have said before, she will only make you miserable in the long run. Your current girlfriend makes you happy from the sound of it, and your ex seems to just want to drive that relationship apart.
It may take a lot of willpower, but I really think you should just change your number and cut off all contact with the ex immediately, lest you make a mess out of your current situation (more than it is, at least).
Edit: man, I'm awful at giving advice ._.
********** It's done, I put a complete stop to it all last night. I called her and pretty much told her almost a tee what she told me when she decided she was going to leave. I told her that I loved her, but wasn't in love with her and if she truly did love me and care about me, she'd want me to be happy. She wasn't making me happy and was actually actively causing my already attained happiness to be in jeopardy.
As for having a last fling with her, she knows that I could never compromise my feelings on the subject and I refused to create any kind of rift in my current relationship for something I was just going to regret anyway.
Her response was that I was breaking her heart, and that I had no idea how badly it hurt her for me to do what I was doing. I responded that I know exactly how it feels, because it was what I went through when she walked out my door and into her car that last time. She proceeded to almost say, verbatum, everything I told her the final time I tried to keep her from leaving. It bordered on creepy that it was almost like listening to myself all those months ago.
After she realized she wasn't going to change my mind, she got slightly upset, told me that she was going to change her number and vanish from my life, though she said her reasons were that so that I could be happy and wished me the best. Hoping that I wouldn't regret my decision because she wouldn't be around if my relationship failed and went looking for her ***********
Garbledina: Good to know, I look forward to any future advice. *wink*
Amy: Love, you know better than most, the things I went through with X and you know how much your advice has always meant to me. I will very much talk to my girlfriend about what can be done to work on this, she's worth it. As for the vacation, while nice as it would be, we're already making plans for the near future to doing some traveling when we both have time free from work/school. Would go this weekend if possible but as I'm going to post soon, it won't be necessary, as well as the # change. Loving your comic by the way. Fat men do fit into fridges with a little elbow grease and a lumber axe.
Chibi: You're absolutely right and I'm looking into the long term too. It was just so hard to look past something that was so immediate to see the big picture. As for teaching? Believe it or not, she has brought up ideas that I hadn't even considered in the past and they're looking pretty interesting.
Thank you though, it's good to know that the long term with someone just like you is as wonderful as I already see it can be.
Officer Dredd: Much appreciated by the way, the jokes are always fun though. As for teaching her my buttons, I'm more than sure that won't be a problem. I was just being blinded by what I had available on the side instead of focusing on the fix that would be easier at hand.
Ranger: I'm sorry to hear about the mindfuck, if you like you could always slip me a little note with her address.
Take care of that little problem. As for knowing better? Yeah I do. I was just having some trouble "waking up" to the reality of the big picture. No worries though, you'll be able to save that pimp slap.
Pio: I will find a way, either with subtle hints or clues at first, which I'm sure she's going to pick up on with no trouble. She's very giving and understanding. I'm sure things are going to work out just fine without causing any kind of trouble.
Jay: It's not necesarrily that the sex itself is still disappointing, it's becoming clear that it was that my mind wasn't in the right place to really "let go" and enjoy myself fully. I was letting my mind creep to things that it shouldn't have and it was really causing a block. I can compare it to when a guy says that he has trouble performing cause he was "thinking too much".
Gryfter: You're absolutely correct, she is definitely worth the effort instead of taking a temporary relief. I really don't doubt for a minute that my girlfriend would be willing to work on our sex life instead of being offended and leaving, so it'll work out soon I'm very sure. As for X still being around later? Maybe. Would she take me back down the line if I tried? Possibly. Is that something I'll ever want? Nope.
Emrys: You had a different name back in the old boards (started with a Me), and I still have my Richard figure/plush. I know I had my brother say thank you on my behalf, but thank you again. Also, you're absolutely right, she's not worth costing me so much more than I would gain.
Jelly: Ha! If only you knew.
As for having a last fling with her, she knows that I could never compromise my feelings on the subject and I refused to create any kind of rift in my current relationship for something I was just going to regret anyway.
Her response was that I was breaking her heart, and that I had no idea how badly it hurt her for me to do what I was doing. I responded that I know exactly how it feels, because it was what I went through when she walked out my door and into her car that last time. She proceeded to almost say, verbatum, everything I told her the final time I tried to keep her from leaving. It bordered on creepy that it was almost like listening to myself all those months ago.
After she realized she wasn't going to change my mind, she got slightly upset, told me that she was going to change her number and vanish from my life, though she said her reasons were that so that I could be happy and wished me the best. Hoping that I wouldn't regret my decision because she wouldn't be around if my relationship failed and went looking for her ***********
Garbledina: Good to know, I look forward to any future advice. *wink*
Amy: Love, you know better than most, the things I went through with X and you know how much your advice has always meant to me. I will very much talk to my girlfriend about what can be done to work on this, she's worth it. As for the vacation, while nice as it would be, we're already making plans for the near future to doing some traveling when we both have time free from work/school. Would go this weekend if possible but as I'm going to post soon, it won't be necessary, as well as the # change. Loving your comic by the way. Fat men do fit into fridges with a little elbow grease and a lumber axe.
Chibi: You're absolutely right and I'm looking into the long term too. It was just so hard to look past something that was so immediate to see the big picture. As for teaching? Believe it or not, she has brought up ideas that I hadn't even considered in the past and they're looking pretty interesting.
Thank you though, it's good to know that the long term with someone just like you is as wonderful as I already see it can be.Officer Dredd: Much appreciated by the way, the jokes are always fun though.
As for teaching her my buttons, I'm more than sure that won't be a problem. I was just being blinded by what I had available on the side instead of focusing on the fix that would be easier at hand. Ranger: I'm sorry to hear about the mindfuck, if you like you could always slip me a little note with her address.
Take care of that little problem. As for knowing better? Yeah I do. I was just having some trouble "waking up" to the reality of the big picture. No worries though, you'll be able to save that pimp slap.Pio: I will find a way, either with subtle hints or clues at first, which I'm sure she's going to pick up on with no trouble. She's very giving and understanding. I'm sure things are going to work out just fine without causing any kind of trouble.
Jay: It's not necesarrily that the sex itself is still disappointing, it's becoming clear that it was that my mind wasn't in the right place to really "let go" and enjoy myself fully. I was letting my mind creep to things that it shouldn't have and it was really causing a block. I can compare it to when a guy says that he has trouble performing cause he was "thinking too much".
Gryfter: You're absolutely correct, she is definitely worth the effort instead of taking a temporary relief. I really don't doubt for a minute that my girlfriend would be willing to work on our sex life instead of being offended and leaving, so it'll work out soon I'm very sure. As for X still being around later? Maybe. Would she take me back down the line if I tried? Possibly. Is that something I'll ever want? Nope.
Emrys: You had a different name back in the old boards (started with a Me), and I still have my Richard figure/plush. I know I had my brother say thank you on my behalf, but thank you again. Also, you're absolutely right, she's not worth costing me so much more than I would gain.
Jelly: Ha! If only you knew.
You're alot better than you realize, and it's never too late for good words. I really wish I would have just ignored her messages/calls in the beginning, I probably would have saved myself alot of heartache and problems. None the less, it's past me now.
Glad to see you took this route... I think it will pay big dividends for you in the future. Good luck with everything!
C
Chibibar
Yay Shego! 
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