Rant VII: Now With 25% Less Drama
- Thread starter North_Ranger
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Or Spider Jerusalem or Moby.
I'm surprised Charlie hasn't shown up yet to defend cancer against our discrimination.
fade
Staff member
Well,
I quit my professor job and moved to Houston for a number of reasons. Not least among them was more money to support my family. Since my old home is only a few hours away, my wife and kids stayed there, waiting for the house to sell, while I lived here in one of those extended stay hotels. It's been 3.5 months now. My new job isn't my favorite. I miss being a professor, and regret leaving so much that I begged for my old job back, only to be told that the state requires a whole new job search. I'm welcome to reapply, but no guarantees, etc. My current employer feels like a sinking ship, so I'm a bit nervous.
Anyway, I told my wife this, and that I was looking around for something else, possibly not in Houston, and she replied back with something that sounded suspiciously like a candy-coated version of a word that starts in "di" and ends in "vorce". I confronted her about it, and she swears she didn't mean it that way. But at the same time, she didn't exactly make an impassioned plea either. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but she has definitely given me an ultimatum that she was going to settle down. Note that she didn't say "you" or "we". I'm apparently free to do whatever I want, which bothers me. On the face of it, it sounds like a gift, and that's what she'd have me believe. But it's the unwillingness to fight for me to stay that bothers me. She's done this increasingly in our arguments. Conceded. It rings of dispassion. When I asked her if she was talking about divorce, she said that she was not, but that if that was what would make me happy... I was taken aback. I told her I would've rather her screamed at me. I would've rather her have driven 3 and a half hours to slap in the face for even using the D word.
I'm not sure what to make of it, but it certainly is depressing.
I quit my professor job and moved to Houston for a number of reasons. Not least among them was more money to support my family. Since my old home is only a few hours away, my wife and kids stayed there, waiting for the house to sell, while I lived here in one of those extended stay hotels. It's been 3.5 months now. My new job isn't my favorite. I miss being a professor, and regret leaving so much that I begged for my old job back, only to be told that the state requires a whole new job search. I'm welcome to reapply, but no guarantees, etc. My current employer feels like a sinking ship, so I'm a bit nervous.
Anyway, I told my wife this, and that I was looking around for something else, possibly not in Houston, and she replied back with something that sounded suspiciously like a candy-coated version of a word that starts in "di" and ends in "vorce". I confronted her about it, and she swears she didn't mean it that way. But at the same time, she didn't exactly make an impassioned plea either. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but she has definitely given me an ultimatum that she was going to settle down. Note that she didn't say "you" or "we". I'm apparently free to do whatever I want, which bothers me. On the face of it, it sounds like a gift, and that's what she'd have me believe. But it's the unwillingness to fight for me to stay that bothers me. She's done this increasingly in our arguments. Conceded. It rings of dispassion. When I asked her if she was talking about divorce, she said that she was not, but that if that was what would make me happy... I was taken aback. I told her I would've rather her screamed at me. I would've rather her have driven 3 and a half hours to slap in the face for even using the D word.
I'm not sure what to make of it, but it certainly is depressing.
Fade, man... I wish you the best, but I have to say that having had almost the same conversation with my ex-wife - divorce followed not long after. But I also remember that you've been having trouble getting the house to sell, and I'm sure that adds a lot of stress to the relationship. Hope it all works out for you, whichever way it goes down.
That zit turned out to be cellulitis, and I spent two and a half days in the hospital getting IV anti-biotic drip. Basically a staph infection inside my nose and it had a not showing through about the size and color of a cherry-tomato with orange peel skin. I am well enough now to be out of the hospital and I'll be starting back on chemo tomorrow.
Don't look if you have a weakish stomach.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cellulitis
It looked like a small version of that guy's wrist.
M
makare
sixpack your body is clearly a lemon. you should contact the dealer.
Should have asked for the Carfax.
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Biannoshufu
6PS & NR = fuck cancer with a fiberglass broom handle in the ass.
Fade: Couples counselling. It can at least help you two clarify things, so that you won't be in the mud about what's going on.
Fade: Couples counselling. It can at least help you two clarify things, so that you won't be in the mud about what's going on.
B
Biannoshufu
I laughed. hard.
And the other rant thread, and Fnord's thread, and Zappit's kidney thread, and... yeah. We do seem to have more than our fair share of hardships around here.
I've never spent the night in the hospital in my first 42 years, the BOOOOM! I must have crossed my 300,000 mile check engine light.
Far be it from me to offer relationship advice, but I'mma do it anyway.
If I were in that situation with my wife (ie, since you two are totally different people this totally applies, right?) then it would be because:
* We aren't communicating well enough
* She's seeking reassurance that she is still the most important thing in my life
* She wants me to stop dillying around and fix the current situation (figure out how to get the family back together, lighten her load, etc)
* "The grass is always greener" - even if I told her otherwise, she would still be wondering if I'm having a better time than her, stuck with all the kids (although in my case, with 6 kids, she might have a point...)
I would literally drop everything and drive home so she could slap me in the face and we could hash things out. Just making sure she knows that she's #1, and that I'd work in a pig slaughterhouse 16 hours a day if I had to in order to keep her happy will reassure her, and I've found that as long as I make sure she's happy, she makes sure I'm happy and everything usually works out to my advantage even better than if I had chosen the route myself.
You guys are in a tough situation. The first order of business is probably to get on the same page, and if needed rekindle your relationship with each other and your kids. The second thing to do is get back together. Drag the family out to you, rent out or mothball the old home, and start figuring out what the next step is - or quit your job, move back with them, and go through the job search struggle. Yes, it would cause financial difficulties, and pulling the kids out of school and moving them around isn't fun, but it's better than the alternative, which looks like it might be losing your family.
If it were my wife, she would fight me on these things, and put practical matters (money, school, job, etc) ahead of the relationship - and I'd have to push back. If I let go on these points then she would assume that I'm not willing to "fight" for our relationship.
Decide what's most important - make a list if you have to - and make it happen.
The worst thing you can do right now is get depressed about it and give up or give in. Decide what you want, and go get it. It looks like she's going to be quite passive about it, and like many divorces, "We just kind of drifted apart" - well, if you don't row your boat toward her, then of course you're going to drift apart - that's the nature of life. You will have to take the lead, and you aren't going to be able to do that if you stew by your lonely self in the hotel.
Drive home tonight. Don't put it off.
fade
Staff member
That's all really good advice, and I appreciate it. Except I think you have the genders swapped. I'm the one who feels right now that she's unwilling to fight for me because of her passiveness. When she did not make an impassioned plea, I did. I think she thinks she's setting me free or something, and she feels like she's come to terms with it. But I never asked for that either. I am going home this weekend. I try to every weekend I can. As much as I hate to admit it, it almost seems as if she is trying to say that she is happier without me there.
To be blunt, I think you are caught in a relationship vortex. It's going to look very different to us than it does to you.
Here's the bottom line (actually two lines):
* Decide what you want, and fight tooth and nail for it. Disregard what you think she thinks. She will tell you what she thinks you want to hear. It turns into an echo chamber. Decide for yourself, and fight for it.
* Pleas, impassioned or not, are ineffective if not backed up with concrete, visible, objective action. Don't waffle. Don't plea. DO.
If you don't want to have a family any longer, then fight for that. If you do want a family, then fight for that. Don't let anything happen that you didn't fight to have happen.
I know that you want her to fight for you, that you feel she should step up and make her plea for the relationship, but the reality is that if you aren't actively fighting for what you want, you will not get what you want. Quite frankly this is merely a cyclical depressive path.
Don't be passive. Don't plea. Decide what you want, do whatever it takes to get it, and don't give up based on the words they say, or the things you think they are feeling - if they want you they will react, and if they don't they will react. But the key here is action - it turns out that actions are more indicative of someone's feelings than words, and due to the echo chamber effect (ie, you want to give her what you think she wants, and she wants to give you what she thinks you want) you will constantly be out of step if you rely on words alone.
Be confident. Be assertive. Once she is secure in the knowledge that you will fight for what you want not just in words but in action, then you will probably be able to rely on words a bit more, but until then take everything you both say with a grain of salt, and be mindful of the echo chamber/relationship vortex.
B
Biannoshufu
hang in there.
Dave
Staff member
Update from a computer in the waiting room (and this thread started on the bikini pics above - thanks, Gas!).
Her prognosis is good, but it was a stroke. Not a real big one apparently as she's already regaining strength on the left side of her body. She's still slurring her speech but the doctor thinks she'll be out before Monday.
Interesting day, though.
Thanks for the thoughts, all!
Her prognosis is good, but it was a stroke. Not a real big one apparently as she's already regaining strength on the left side of her body. She's still slurring her speech but the doctor thinks she'll be out before Monday.
Interesting day, though.
Thanks for the thoughts, all!
The word stroke is one of those scary worst case scenario words. Some of my relations have had multiple strokes and suffer only from not being able to drink from a can without a straw. Hope my small piece of anecdotal evidence helps put your worries at ease.
figmentPez
Staff member
I have had to suffer a lot of well-intentioned but massively-ignorant advice over my many years of illness, and I am so damn sick of it.
I don't want to hear any more advice to "eat healthier and excercise" from people think that will solve everyone's problems without any further information necessary. Do you know what "healthy" diets and exercise do to certain people because they suffer any of a variety of medical conditions? It makes them worse, unless you treat the deeper problem first.
There are reasons for exercise being difficult beyond laziness. There are times when "healthy" foods aren't good for everyone. Not everything in life is as simple as you are. Be glad your life fits in the tiny little box you call your mind. Now go play with your little toys while the grown-ups deal with bigger problems than you're willing to comprehend.
This rant has been cut short because it's too damn late at night to vent everything I want to say.
I don't want to hear any more advice to "eat healthier and excercise" from people think that will solve everyone's problems without any further information necessary. Do you know what "healthy" diets and exercise do to certain people because they suffer any of a variety of medical conditions? It makes them worse, unless you treat the deeper problem first.
There are reasons for exercise being difficult beyond laziness. There are times when "healthy" foods aren't good for everyone. Not everything in life is as simple as you are. Be glad your life fits in the tiny little box you call your mind. Now go play with your little toys while the grown-ups deal with bigger problems than you're willing to comprehend.
This rant has been cut short because it's too damn late at night to vent everything I want to say.
You should eat healthy and exercise.
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