Why is Monday so far from Friday but Friday is so close to Monday.
GasBandit
Ask me about my Reprehensible Filth 45 From Gas' Texan Tile and Pork Sausage Distillery
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Picking your nose doesn't make you a bad person, it's what you do next that determines your character.
There's no longer such things as unacceptable behavior, just unacceptable victims.
Most adult friendships are just figuring out whose turn it is to cancel plans.
Where do I register to become a sex offender?
Pollen count's so high, the meth heads are trying to convert it back into sudafed.
I was Bart's age when the Simpsons launched (not counting Tracy Ullman). They're still on the air, and I'm now Homer's age, and I envy him.
There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over, somehow.
Remember, kids, you can't spell "advertisements" without semen between the tits.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Postmodernism - is it nihilism for narcissists, or narcissism for nihilists?
Look out! The anorgasmic are comi- wait, no, false alarm. They're not.
Knowing what a CHA modifier is, is apparently a negative CHA modifier.
Why do people get excited for Pi day (3/14)? It's completely irrational.
I have two settings: "Sleep is for the weak" and "Sleeping for a week."
If your GF/Wife has a friend you find annoying, simply mention offhandedly at random that the friend is pretty. Problem will solve itself.
Fee Fee Fi Fi Fo Fo Fum, I smell smoke in the au-di-to-ri-um
Interior crocodile alligator. I drive a Chevrolet movie theater.
Make guns illegal! Because it worked so well for drugs, right?
One of the difficult things about being single again is trying to find a good reason to shower on days I don't go in to work.
You ever just feel like a gooey wad of festering, caustic venom encased in a candy shell of politeness and amiability?
Every corpse on Everest was once an extremely motivated person. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
That one rogue hair on your forehead that shows you where your hairline used to be. When it grows out, it's like running into an awkward ex.
People my age get so worked up about Star Wars because they've been making payments on it since they were kids but they'll never own it.
"Don't call me racist until you've tried taking Korean clients to a Japanese restaurant." -Overheard in a Goldman Sachs elevator
"Political Correctness is fascism pretending to be manners." - George Carlin
Women are like guns - they recoil when I hold them.
I don't think people appreciate how much effort I put into not becoming a serial killer.
If you're not the one paying for something, you're what's being sold. Expect to be treated as their product, not a customer.
Taylor Swift has 100 songs about guys leaving her and 0 songs about blowjobs. I think we all see correlation here.
How many stupid people are alive today because lawn darts were banned in the 80s?
It's best not to accept oral sex from someone with a history of uncontrolled seizures.
Songs I can't sing alone because the backup and lead vocals overlap are a constant source of irritation to me. Wake me up insiCAN'T WAKE UP
We're all just 5 liters of blood sloshing around in a big meaty bag, turning food into poop and trying to fuck a little.
You ever notice that supervillains are always the ones trying to change things, and super "heroes" are the ones resisting change?
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