Turns out, the guy who killed Batman's parents saved SO many lives....
GasBandit
Ask me about my Reprehensible Filth 45 From Gas' Texan Tile and Pork Sausage Distillery
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People are shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician.
Nobody digs a well at the top of a hill. WTF were Jack and Jill doing up there...?
Roses are red, violets are blue. Pornhub is down, your facebook will do.
"Soundcloud" is just a fancy ass word for "fart."
To this day, I'm still disgruntled that I was forced to learn to write in cursive as a child. It has literally never been useful.
20 years ago, people escaped from the real world into the internet. Now people escape from the internet into the real world.
It's so vulgar and unintellectual to call it "cum." Instead, call it high fructose porn syrup.
Of all the bodily functions that COULD have been contagious, we are lucky it turned out to be yawning.
Brushing your teeth is the only time you ever clean your skeleton.
My body is a temple. Ancient, crumbling, cursed, haunted.
Does running out of fucks to give count as cardio?
I demand to be in good shape and I refuse to do anything to make that happen. Those are my terms.
My favorite childhood memory is the lack of joint pain.
As long as you stay current on memes you can never truly be old - Dei, 1/24/2019
I might be white, but I'm not "Let's go see what that noise was" white.
Babies sure stare a lot for somebody that doesn't know how to fight.
Like hornets, ticks do actually serve a larger, important role in the earth's ecosystem - they teach the compassionate the necessity and virtue of hate.
Being happy is like pissing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you feel the warmth. Also I haven't experienced it since I was 7 years old.
In >/dev/null, no one can hear your screams.
The more a cat acts like a dog, the better a cat people say it is.
My retirement plan is to start walking across streets without looking and hope I get reborn in an Isekai anime, because that apparently happens constantly.
"Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?" he wondered. Something inside him told him, "yes."
You can say "Have a nice day!" and it's fine, but "Enjoy the next 24 hours" sounds like a threat for some reason.
If I am expected to manage my anger, stupid people should be expected to manage their stupidity.
Reading is staring at a dead piece of wood for hours and hallucinating.
Sears started out as a mail order catalog that would deliver products right to your door. They were driven to bankruptcy by internet sites that deliver products right to your door.
I'm pretty disappointed that Batman is the rich man beating up criminals and Daredevil is the blind man using echolocation, and not vice versa.
Pity the poor shark, for he shall never experience the crispness of a Pringles potato chip.
There's a point where we need to stop, and we have clearly passed it. But let's keep going, and see what happens.
Every time you get dressed, remember: If you die, that's what your ghost will wear. Forever.
People with "make tea, not war" bumper stickers are pretty ignorant about the history of tea.
Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but could this meeting be an email maybe
You ever notice, for special occasions, ladies with curly hair straighten it, and ladies with straight hair curl it?
The best part of the cucumber tastes like the worst part of the watermelon.
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