Can I has bawww thread now?

[HowDroll]

I've given enough advice in enough bawww threads that I feel I've earned one of my own.

Here's the thing. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5+ years and are seriously talking about getting engaged. 95% of the time, I'm really happy with him. He's honestly a great guy. He's funny, smart, successful, and has a perfect body, and I truly and deeply love him.

But when things are bad, they're really bad, and even when we're good, I sometimes get the idea that I'm nothing more than a divine lollipop--to use Hemingway's words--to him. He's very traditional when it comes to gender roles and such, and a lot of the time, I don't really mind, but then sometimes he talks down to me and it really upsets me. We were in a restaurant tonight, and he paused when he was placing his order because he wanted to ask for a different side, but I didn't realize that and started my order after he didn't speak for about five seconds. He snapped at me, "Do you want to wait until I'm done?" and later on the waitress came by my table when he was in the bathroom and said, "Maybe it's not my place to say anything, but I can't believe he talks to you like that." My instinct was to defend him, and even now it doesn't look that bad as I'm typing it, but she's right; he talks to me like that all the time, and I've been with him so long that I started thinking it was okay or I deserved it. If a total stranger can recognize it, there has to be something to it. I confronted him about it and he first blew it off, then blew up at me... and once again, I started trying to rationalize it to make his behavior okay. Even now, I feel like I overreacted, when at the time I was fully convinced I was right.

I've confronted him about not respecting me before; this wasn't some great epiphany. Even a few weeks ago, he got so pissed about my going to ElJuski's Halloween party (when one of my best female friends from high school was the one who invited me) that he blew off our plans on actual Halloween to go drinking with his friends after I spent a ton of money on costume makeup. When he gets mad at me, he ignores me for 2-3 days -- as he undoubtedly will after our fight tonight -- and then, when he finally gets over it, thinks that everything is totally fine and sees no need to talk about it.

I don't want to make it sound like we have some terrible relationship and that I'm miserable. That's not true at all. But it's, like, I don't know anymore if this is something that we should just work on or if I should just cut my losses and run. I know -- trust me, I know -- relationships take a lot of work, but between this and the fact that I despise his family, a feeling which is wholly mutual, I'm not sure if I've just been with him so long that I can't see myself with anyone else. I just don't want to look back five years from now and realize I've made a terrible mistake, one way or the other. If I leave him now, I think it'll either be the best thing or the worst thing I've ever done.

tl;dr - relationship trouble bawwww

 

[Le Quack]

Man, I can't give you any real advice. I can only say that I hope things work out in your favor.

 

[makare]

From what I have seen that kind of disrespect and disregard doesn't get better with time, usually it gets worse.

Ignoring you for 2-3 days? Seriously, what is that about? I don't know you so I am going to use my standard relationship test, if my friend Robin (who is amazing and deserves to be treated like she is amazing) was dating a guy who treated her like that what would I do? The short answer is punch him in the face and tell her to run run like hell.

Life is too short to be with someone who doesn't value you. I am not saying you need to be with someone who treats you like a princess or some fairy tale shit like that but the ignoring, the sniping, the overall childishness- no one deserves to be treated that way.

Like I said I don't know you so I shouldn't give relationship advice to you especially serious advice but if it were me or someone I loved who being treated that way there is no way I would put up with it.

my two cents.

 

[Cajungal]

Wow. :\ That.... would have really gotten under my skin too. If the server was bold enough to say something, I'm thinking it must have sounded really nasty.

It sucks that he just doesn't seem to want to listen to you. I hope that, if you decide to to make things work, you can find a way to make him hear you and realize how serious you are about it. I like you, Droll. You're an intelligent, sweet lady who deserves respect. One way or another, I truly hope that things improve!

Sorry about the troubles, and good luck to ya! :hug:

And yes, that ignoring for 2-3 days thing is a little childish. It's hard for me to be around people who want to pretend like something never happened like that and never really clear the air.

 

[David]

Just what I've observed in the past: Guys who act how you described are usually not entirely mature enough to be ready for a serious relationship. I don't know either of you so I could be way off here, but the fact he got that upset about you going to Juski's party suggests insecurity issues on his part. Jealousy (if that's what the deal was over, you going to a guy's party) is only natural, we can't fight millions of years of having that instinct evolved into us. But he should be practicing healthier ways of dealing with it than treating you like you did something wrong.

You should talk to him and make sure he understands that you're devoted to him, but he's just going to have to decide whether he can live with the fact that you're going to have male friends.

 

[IronBrig4]

Ah yes, the "frog in a pot of hot water" scenario; you get so used to it because the grievances only pile up by degrees. Believe me, I've been in a couple of those. You know your relationship better than anybody else here, but I'd give him an ultimatum. If you've already made your feelings known then there's no excuse for his misbehavior.

And his family hates you? Any particular reason why? If his views on gender are very traditional, I'm assuming his family is the same way.

 

[Jay]

You always wonder how a smart woman will get into and abusive relationship and this is how it starts. Obviously, he's not ready for a serious relationship and this is a cop out to the daily pressures in being in such a relationship.

People that act this way will only get worse. This will not get better for you.

It's time to find a way out before you get in too deep. In the long run, he's only gonna make you miserable and it will rip your confidence and self esteem. You need to drop him. He has some deep issues and needs help.

You are not his savior.

So don't think that you might be able to save him. Do you really want someone who says that they love you one minute, and hates you the next? Someone who'll bail on you because he can't balls up and take one for the team? It's his way or the highway? That's bullshit.

You should tell him how you feel, if he'll shut you out and act like a BITCH for a few days, he's not worth it. Guys like this make me laugh.

 

[HowDroll]

And his family hates you? Any particular reason why? If his views on gender are very traditional, I'm assuming his family is the same way.

Very much so. They're hardcore, super-into-sobriety Catholics who disapproved of me from the beginning--he was 18 when we started dating, I was 15. His dad actually thought I was trying to seduce him so that I could sue him (the dad) for statutory rape. His mom, who is a nurse, actually left a folder full of pamphlets about STDs on his bed about a month after we started dating. His brother and sister both lived at home until they were about thirty, and his family is very much a "let's stay home on weekend nights and have family movie night" type of family, which I wasn't invited to, of course--I'm not family, after all. Bad feelings just piled up throughout the years, and though they've tried to make amends more recently after the brother and sister got married (after dating a chick for 2 months for the brother, 6 months for the sister and her husband. Of course, the spouses are "family" now, and I'm still excluded from family photos etc.), there's years of bad blood to make up for. Like their blaming me for their son drinking (he's turning 24 in a few months) and having sex. Yeah.

 

[Hailey Knight]

I hate to say this, but the talking down, blowing up for an accusation, ignoring 2-3 days and then thinking it's fine; he sounds a LOT like a certain individual I wish I didn't know. That individual spent 20+ years beating his two children, who both went in and out of psych wards. He still treats his wife as you've described above, like he did when they were engaged 30 years ago.

 

[Frank]

You always wonder how a smart woman will get into and abusive relationship and this is how it starts. Obviously, he's not ready for a serious relationship and this is a cop out to the daily pressures in being in such a relationship.

People that act this way will only get worse. This will not get better for you.

It's time to find a way out before you get in too deep. In the long run, he's only gonna make you miserable and it will rip your confidence and self esteem. You need to drop him. He has some deep issues and needs help.

You are not his savior.

So don't think that you might be able to save him. Do you really want someone who says that they love you one minute, and hates you the next? Someone who'll bail on you because he can't balls up and take one for the team? It's his way or the highway? That's bullshit.

You should tell him how you feel, if he'll shut you out and act like a BITCH for a few days, he's not worth it. Guys like this make me laugh.

Basically what I was going to post only more succinct and less rambling.

 

[David]

Also, I fully agree with others on the not talking to you for 2-3 days. You should make it clear that you won't stick around with him if that childish shit keeps up.

 

[Cajungal]

And his family hates you? Any particular reason why? If his views on gender are very traditional, I'm assuming his family is the same way.

Very much so. They're hardcore, super-into-sobriety Catholics who disapproved of me from the beginning--he was 18 when we started dating, I was 15. His dad actually thought I was trying to seduce him so that I could sue him (the dad) for statutory rape. His mom, who is a nurse, actually left a folder full of pamphlets about STDs on his bed about a month after we started dating. His brother and sister both lived at home until they were about thirty, and his family is very much a "let's stay home on weekend nights and have family movie night" type of family, which I wasn't invited to, of course--I'm not family, after all. Bad feelings just piled up throughout the years, and though they've tried to make amends more recently after the brother and sister got married (after dating a chick for 2 months for the brother, 6 months for the sister and her husband. Of course, the spouses are "family" now, and I'm still excluded from family photos etc.), there's years of bad blood to make up for. Like their blaming me for their son drinking (he's turning 24 in a few months) and having sex. Yeah.[/QUOTE]

YIKES. :\

 

[Charlie Don't Surf]

I am sorry you are having problems. You are too pretty to have problems I hope you can find happiness and work things out.

 

[Wasabi Poptart]

Ask yourself a few questions and answer honestly.

Do you like being treated this way? Do you think talking about it and working on things will really make a difference? Do you see things being any different 10 years down the road if/when you are married to him with children?

Think about your answers. Now, if this was a friend of yours coming to you with this story what advice would you give her?

 

[IronBrig4]

Did his family treat the new son-in-law and daughter-in-law the same way when they were dating their daughter and son, respectively? Because if his folks were more conciliatory towards them, there's no way they're going to accept you. And that will make for some very awkward Thanksgivings in the future.

It's one thing if just one member of the family doesn't like you. For example, my mother is notorious for being hostile towards potential girlfriends. But my father is very easygoing so it balances out. However, if the whole family doesn't like you... sorry, but that's going to be an uphill battle for the rest of your life.

 

[Piotyr]

I'm not sure what to say that hasn't already been said, but I can give one line of advice:

If he has to change to be someone you want to be with for life, it's not going to work out.

 

[HowDroll]

I called him. He didn't answer, no surprise there. I texted him and said "I need to talk to you." He said "I'm not in the mood to talk."

I said "I can't do this anymore."

 

[Charlie Don't Surf]

nooooooooooooooooooooooooo

 

[David]

*hugs*

 

[Hailey Knight]

I'm sorry.

 

[Bubble181]

Damn.... A first bit of advice is not to suddenly break this off because of what people here say - listen to the good advice, feel free to vent here, but don't break up with him *because* we feel that's the right thing to do... In the end, you're the only person who can know what you feel and what hope there is.

That said - What Serious Jay said. From the sound of it, this relationship is already an abusive one - hopefully "only" psychologically, but if it starts out this way...Yeah, I'm not going to take any bets on where this might lead 5 or 10 years down the road. "Yes, but I love him so" or "He's a good guy most of the time" are probably the two most often heard excuses offered by the victims in abusive relationships....That you manage to use both of those to descrive your partner, should raise some serious red flags.
Do you really love him? Or is it just complacency, being content with what you have and not being able to see how it could be better in the short term? After 5 years, of course you both know one another so good etc that it'll take years for someone else to come close...But perhaps it's necessary.
Though people say you can't change someone, and you really shouldn't have to try and change your partner, perhaps you can try to change him...But it sounds unlikely to me.

 

[Shegokigo]

Droll my dear, how I wish I could give you advice. It would seem so pointless coming from me at this point however, as I'm in pretty dire straits relationship wise myself. What I can say is thus:

Having someone appreciate you completely is probably the most important part of a relationship. Money, friends, family. That can all be worked through, lack of respect however, is just something you have or you don't.

This could stem from the fact that perhaps his father never respected his mother and blatantly showed that side in front of his children growing up. Therefore your BF doesn't know any better. Though, that's not exactly a good thing as 20yrs of ingrained sense of disrespect isn't going to be conquered through 3yrs of dating.

Personally, one of the biggest problems my GF and I are having is that she (and I) finally realized I didn't really appreciate her in the ways she deserved (I always respected her) but I didn't make her feel as special as she deserved to be. I'm working on that now, but it wasn't something I was fully aware I was doing.

If he "knows" and doesn't "care" or says he cares but doesn't change, I can't see a solution to that being fixable. Though I'm no psychiatrist, and if you really have intentions of marrying/spending the rest of your life with him, perhaps at least one session of couple's counceling? (Big sign he has no intentions of taking you seriously would be him refusing to go).

 

[fade]

[strike]Does this mean you're available?[/strike]

I've got nothing to add. If it irritates you now, it'll just irritate you more later. For that matter, if you find it cute or endearing now, it'll irritate you later. Trust me. I'm married.

 

[Calleja]

I can offer hugs.

Are you up for Calle-hugs?

 

[Jay]

I have a question for you to add to my previous post :

You mentioned in the 5 years you seriously talked about being engaged... what impedes it?

 

[HowDroll]

Thanks so much for all the advice and well-wishes, guys. I really do think the writing's on the wall.

I have a question for you to add to my previous post :

You mentioned in the 5 years you seriously talked about being engaged... what impedes it?

Age, mostly. I'm only 20, and he always says we are "too young." I guess that means he wasn't ready, but he had the most irritating habit for awhile -- especially when we were living in the UK -- of introducing me as his fiance. He told me it was because people don't take us, and I suppose him by extension, seriously if I'm only his "girlfriend," but then I had people asking to see my ring and stuff. It was totally awkward and I told him he couldn't do it anymore until we're actually engaged.

 

[Jay]

Nothing else? Just age?

20 is a young age, to be honest. But that depends on the situation.

 

[HowDroll]

Nothing else? Just age?

20 is a young age, to be honest. But that depends on the situation.

I think that's the biggest thing. He definitely made it sound like he planned to propose by the end of next year. He's just getting established in his career, and I'm not even done with school yet. Neither of us were in any particular hurry to get engaged, but it was most definitely on the horizon.

 

[Jay]

I understand.

Still, my original post stands.

Be strong woman. And remember, you're no one's savior!

 

[Piotyr]

If you're in the relationship because you think he's worth it, bring in an outside perspective (preferably a professional) to see if the relationship is salvageable.

If you're in the relationship because you're used to it and don't want to be alone, then keep in mind there would probably be guys lining up on command given the chance (not necessarily all from here...right Halforumites?).

If you're in the relationship because you think you can change him into a person you would want to marry, you're likely to have better luck finding someone you can accept as is in the first place.

 

[Gusto]

Have strength, my friend.

/vibes /hugs

 

[rabbitgod]

Everybody pretty much said everything I wanted to.

A BIG part of relationships is respect. Speaking down to you like that in public is a clear indicator that he doesn't think you're on the same playing field he is.

Another BIG part of relationships is communication. Couples argue, they just do, but strong relationships can put aside any bad feelings and just talk it out. So if he's avoiding you for days at a time he's clearly not interested in growing with you.

That doesn't mean that you should just break up. You should try to get help. Find a professional and give it a try. That's what it's all about, trying. You grow with your partner, you learn from them, they push you to excel. If it works out then great, if not oh well, you tried.

 

[Piotyr]

And before I sound too much like an inhuman monster...

...I'm sorry. I know the situation sucks for you, and I just hope you can be strong and come through it a better, happier person.

 

[HCGLNS]

I don't know you well enough to comment on your relationship, but I will offer some advice. No matter who ends a relationship or on what terms it ends, it's never a bad move to change you locks.

 

[Chazwozel]

Your boyfriend's a lucky man. Lucky in the sense that I'm married. Although, I don't know if my cheap tricks work anymore. :horn: