No, no, I get it, I agree, but....I don't...want to? Which is part of the problem. I have zero desire to fix him and myself. Because we're totally different. What he wants and what I want don't match up, so why not just release both of us so we can do what makes us happy? And be who we are?I know therapy is the running forum joke, but you should 100% try couple's counseling before you go the divorce route.
I've felt this way probably for..two years now, probably closer to three? So, not during our whole relationship, but for a while. And I have talked to him in the past about being unhappy and specifically what has made me unhappy. And nothing's changed. I've always..had depression? Like, I got diagnosed in high school and was on medication for a while, went to therapy, which I LOVED. But it's been years since I've been on anything.The other question is how long you've felt that way. If it's been a problem most of the time you've been together, fine. If it's pretty recent, there's the possibility that there's more to it that you aren't seeing right now. Especially when you start talking about depression.
Thank youuuu! I wanna give you a hug too.If I could see you in person I'd give you a big hug right now, a rating will have to do.
I've never been married, so I don't feel qualified to give advice there, but I've grown up watching my parents remain in a loveless marriage and it's not good. It sounds like you already know what to do, talking to him is definitely the right thing, and it's going to suck, but it won't suck forever. I fully believe that as long as you are honest, both to yourself and to him, that things will eventually get better, either as a couple or apart, whatever you decide to do.
Thank you.What you describe is pretty much what ended my previous marriage. And it caught her by surprise, as well. I don't think there are any easy answers, but you have my sympathies
I think I just feel like I'm beating a dead horse? Because, as I said, I've told him in the past what has made me unhappy and nothing has changed? So why keep reminding him if it's not something he wants to change, you know?Relationships can also get stuck in a rut, where one person doesn't even realize that something is wrong, which seems to be where you are at now. You definitely need to open the line of communication.
Yeah, in my last marriage it was much the same. We started off great, but ended up falling into a "roommates/friends with hardly any benefits" relationship. And it wasn't just the sex. We were leading completely separate lives. I started trying to talk to her about it around 1998, 1999. Somewhere thereabouts. My son was born in 2000, so that disruption put anything else on hold for a couple of years, but from say 2002-3 onward, I would talk to her and try to effect some kind of change in our relationship without success--for like 5 years. And honestly, I would have probably soldiered on forever--except that I ended up falling in love with someone else. That reminder of what I was missing in my marriage was the push that led me to divorce.I've felt this way probably for..two years now, probably closer to three? So, not during our whole relationship, but for a while. And I have talked to him in the past about being unhappy and specifically what has made me unhappy. And nothing's changed. I've always..had depression? Like, I got diagnosed in high school and was on medication for a while, went to therapy, which I LOVED. But it's been years since I've been on anything.
I know what's triggered it REALLY badly in the past few months, but I don't want to talk about it yet....
I will look in to it, I promise.One of the reasons I suggested couple's therapy is that it can help with the changes. Change is hard, and automatically dismissing it as not wanting to change is short changing the other person. If therapy is refused, then THAT is the evidence of not wanting to change. I also recommend, no matter what you choose, that you get yourself back to therapy asap.
Well fuck, this is really similar. Minus the kids part.Yeah, in my last marriage it was much the same. We started off great, but ended up falling into a "roommates/friends with hardly any benefits" relationship. I started trying to talk to her about it around 1998, 1999. Somewhere thereabouts. My son was born in 2000, so that disruption/business put anything else on hold for a couple of years, but from say 2002-3 onward, I would talk to her and try to effect some kind of change in our relationship without success--for like 5 years. And honestly, I would have probably soldiered on forever--except that I ended up falling in love with someone else. That reminder of what I was missing in my marriage was the push that led me to divorce.
Even if you don't talk to us about it, I hope you talk to someone, because having a safe space to vent can keep a lot of things from building and festering.UPDATE:
He and I talked last night. And it went..well? I guess. He's not super interested in therapy and wants to fix this ourselves. I'll try. I'm just tired.
I'll probably keep details to a minimum since I find this all weird and just...I don't want to talk about it. But yeah.
Thank you guys for all the love, support, advice and just everything. I appreciate each of you.
Yes, he wants to fix it. I...not so much, but I'm willing to try. He wants to stay together, but..more out of habit and comfort? In my opinion, anyway. But he's at a completely different place in all this than I am. I've thought about this for MONTHSSS and I've been unhappy for years, and this is all kind of a shock to him - not that I've been unhappy, he's noticed that, but the why, he is caught rather unawares.Does he want to fix it? Does he want to stay together? You said that the both of you are different people, living different lives.
Do you(plural) think that, during any therapy/counseling, you(plural) might discover that instead of convincing you(singular) to stay, it might instead convince him that he also wants to leave? If nothing else, this would be my reasoning to go ahead with the counseling, just to discover if this ends up being the case.
--Patrick
If this is all coming as a surprise to him because you've been evolving as a person BUT hiding that person in the basement and putting the face back on of that girl he fell in love with a decade ago every time you're together, then maybe he should spend some time hanging around and getting to know the person you've become. Maybe he'll like that person, maybe he won't, but he'll certainly get a better idea of whether or not he'd want to stay married to that person. People evolve over time, especially artists (of any sort). Catching all that evolution at once is bound to be a shock.I've thought about this for MONTHSSS and I've been unhappy for years, and this is all kind of a shock to him
I mean, I disagree to a certain extent: I don't think I've been hiding. I mean, he's seen all my changes, he's watched everything unfold. It's the why that he's shocked about. He didn't realize I had issues with mine and his relationship. He didn't know how unhappy I've been because of the marriage. He thought my unhappiness was all external - jobs, school, my general station in life, not relationship related.If this is all coming as a surprise to him because you've been evolving as a person BUT hiding that person in the basement and putting the face back on of that girl he fell in love with a decade ago every time you're together, then maybe he should spend some time hanging around and getting to know the person you've become. Maybe he'll like that person, maybe he won't, but he'll certainly get a better idea of whether or not he'd want to stay married to that person. People evolve over time, especially artists (of any sort). Catching all that evolution at once is bound to be a shock.
--Patrick
You can say it's not your call on whether or not he wants to go to therapy, but you should tell him that you asked him to change and it didn't happen, and you feel like without therapy the status quo will stay the same and you will just become more miserable and resentful. It might sound guilt trippy to you, but in reality, if you don't demand the things you want now, nothing is going to get better. Tell him that therapy is not an option to you, if he doesn't feel like trying what you feel is a last resort, then maybe it ISN'T worth staying. But you need to be very clear about how long you feel you've been asking for changes.Yes, he wants to fix it. I...not so much, but I'm willing to try. He wants to stay together, but..more out of habit and comfort? In my opinion, anyway. But he's at a completely different place in all this than I am. I've thought about this for MONTHSSS and I've been unhappy for years, and this is all kind of a shock to him - not that I've been unhappy, he's noticed that, but the why, he is caught rather unawares.
I think maybe yes, counseling would help him to see how different we are. But, as I said before, he doesn't want to go to counseling, so...that's not my call. I think now that everything is out in the open and we can move forward, I can explain myself succinctly enough that he'll understand and be able to see things how they actually are.
And while my situation doesn't match Kags', it does sound like it was very similar to what she's going through now, which is why I keep chiming my two cents in. My resolution wasn't necessarily the right one for anyone but me, and I'm certainly not advocating that she divorce her husband, or that she will (or should) end up with a similar resolution. But regardless of how things turn out for her, I hope my sharing helps her come to grips one way or the other.You can say it's not your call on whether or not he wants to go to therapy, but you should tell him that you asked him to change and it didn't happen, and you feel like without therapy the status quo will stay the same and you will just become more miserable and resentful. It might sound guilt trippy to you, but in reality, if you don't demand the things you want now, nothing is going to get better. Tell him that therapy is not an option to you, if he doesn't feel like trying what you feel is a last resort, then maybe it ISN'T worth staying. But you need to be very clear about how long you feel you've been asking for changes.
I'm glad you feel better about talking. Even if he doesn't want to go to therapy, I really, really strongly suggest you go do your own therapy, and I still believe you should attend to your mental health. Maybe the doctor will say you're fine and therapy is sufficient, but it's possible there's a physical/hormonal cause that should be adjusted. Either way, please ask for help. Especially if he's not willing to go to couple's therapy.UPDATE:
He and I talked last night. And it went..well? I guess. He's not super interested in therapy and wants to fix this ourselves.
...shit, I thought the title said "head," not "heart."I'm super late seeing this thread and all the good, helpful advice has been doled out.
So I'll throw in a Kindergarden Cop reference to the thread title:
"It might be a tumor!"
Such as?It has huge implications, ones that you do not and cannot know.
At the same time, had your wife never been divorced she wouldn't be your wife, and she probably feels it was the right decisionKids?
Memories?
Empty places?
Emotional?
Personality changes?
Just off the top of my head. I have never experienced divorce, but my wife and step-family have.
It's not pretty.
An example: my father-in-law declined to walk my wife down the aisle - from what he claimed to be a religious reason (he's JW, we're not). The resentment level on my mother-in-law's side rose noticeably.
Life, like water to the ocean, will find its way to fuck us up.Wife wasn't divorced. Her parents were.
Divorce does strange things to people attached to the couple. You feel sometimes like you have to choose sides.
Move to central California, find a nice fat Mexican midget to hook up with, enjoy cosplay bliss with him . . .Life, like water to the ocean, will find its way to fuck us up.
My advice for Kags would be to get out of her marriage, finalize the divorce as soon as possible and move on with a new phase of her life.
Ehh, he's probably going to be too busy with work.Move to central California, find a nice fat Mexican midget to hook up with, enjoy cosplay bliss with him . . .
ON MY WAY!!Move to central California, find a nice fat Mexican midget to hook up with, enjoy cosplay bliss with him . . .
. . . uh, I mean "WHATEVER'S BEST FOR YOU!!!" . . . yeah . . .
Don't make me dry heave.I think you guys should have a baby! That'll solve everything!
what...?
We're separated. On good terms. I'm in the process of finding a place of my own and a new job so I can support myself.What's the status? Have you guys tried to work things out? Counseling ?
Bonus: I pretty much don't like most children aside from my own.
Separations suck but are also great opportunities for exploration and meeting cool people! No names mentioned...
I unfortunately don't even like toddlers or babies (I don't even find them cute...) :/ I think my maternal instinct was broken and replaced to be geared elsewhere. And yes, teens are the WOOOOORST. I'm sure a lot of my feelings stem from inexperience and not growing up around them. I'm from a small family where I'm the youngest. I'm also a reclusive person, so it's just never been my vibe.It might be for the best.
I mean, I like toddlers and babies. They're at least cute and innocent.
Some of the kids in my daughters class though (10 year olds)... You just have to have infinite patience with these little snot-nosed monsters. My nephew is 13 now and, boy, teenagers are a pain in the ass.
Puppies are way cuter and more fun than babiesI unfortunately don't even like toddlers or babies (I don't even find them cute...) :/ I think my maternal instinct was broken and replaced to be geared elsewhere. And yes, teens are the WOOOOORST. I'm sure a lot of my feelings stem from inexperience and not growing up around them. I'm from a small family where I'm the youngest. I'm also a reclusive person, so it's just never been my vibe.
I'd love that! If I make it out that way, I'll let you know!If you somehow end up in GA, my wife is always up for nerding out about cosplay/props crafting with people
I hear you can borrow them for a while...and even get paid while doing so!I hate children, I'm never having them.
What, like Benjamin Bratt?I still need a cleaner. Just sayin'.
Ahaha! Hard, fucking, pass!I hear you can borrow them for a while...and even get paid while doing so!
--Patrick
You'll never become a camp counselor at this rate.Ahaha! Hard, fucking, pass!
Dunno, I hear the fatal occupational injury rate is pretty chancy...You'll never become a camp counselor at this rate.
--Patrick
It might not be that bad...I hate children, I'm never having them.