Open Relationships/Marriages. Do They Work? MSN reports...

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Hailey Knight

Hailey Knight

When they mention possessiveness and anger, that more references a cheating lover of a monogamous relationship, rather than an open one where both chief partners understand, agree to, and accept the arrangement of each one interacting with others on a sexual/romantic level.

Honestly, I think possessiveness is the easiest way to drag down and destroy what would have been a good relationship. Some people chafe at freedom, wanting the restriction of the significant other's command, but there are many who would like to have that solid connection, but also still be in charge of their own lives. To be wanted is great. To be needed forms chains. That can be good or bad, depending on the person.
 
Shegokigo

Shegokigo

While there are still complications in open relationships, I don't see them as any worse as the issues that come up from single partner ones, especially the "cheating" issue in the one partner side.

What I've always found amusing are some of the reasons that people give for not wanting to "try" an "open" relationship. While there are some valid ones: "I don't have any interest in sleeping with anyonelse other than my partner" or "I don't have any interest in sleeping with someone of the opposite sex". Alot of the "reasons" are usually just fake excuses that stem from possessiveness/insecurity and just plain wanting to control the other person's life/make them miserable.
 
Espy

Espy

Or Shego, some of us just like our marriages and don't feel the need to sleep with other people. Crazy, I know... :heythere:
 
Krisken

Krisken

Espy said:
Or Shego, some of us just like our marriages and don't feel the need to sleep with other people. Crazy, I know... :heythere:
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Making commitments and sticking to them... so old school.
 
Hailey Knight

Hailey Knight

Krisken said:
Espy said:
Or Shego, some of us just like our marriages and don't feel the need to sleep with other people. Crazy, I know... :heythere:
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Making commitments and sticking to them... so old school.
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The open relationship never threw away the commitment part. That would imply a specific arrangement being agreed to, and then violated, whereas this is a different commitment being made, with different rules and expectations.
 
C

Chazwozel

I think the problem with most monogamous marriages is that most people don't understand what the term commitment means. That said I and my wife are perfectly happy sleeping with only each other. And yes, I would not be okay with my wife sleeping with other men. It's not a matter of insecurity or possessiveness it's a matter of trust.
 
I

Icarus

Open relationships are a lot harder to keep balanced, I think. Heck, a "normal" relationship is already tough one to keep working but I know people too well to know that jealousy can never be discounted even if you're in an open relationship. The people I know who have open relationships, nearly always fall in the same trap: one of the two secretly wants his or her partner for him or herself but knows the their partner doesn't feel the same and is afraid to admit it out of fear of losing him/her.

At work, one guy is a self-proclaimed "playboy" and it took over a year before we discovered he had an actual girlfriend because he kept talking about other girls. When we had a company get-together, he brought her along and while there, he'd still flirt with the other girls present there. She said they had an open relationship too but it was pretty obvious HE was the one who had the open relationship while she was not very keen about it at all.

Personally, I'm weary of people who don't feel any jealousy when their girlfriend or boyfriend is hitting on other girls/guys - it's a natural emotion and it's hard for me to imagine how someone can simple let their partner go with someone else. Then again, intimacy and closeness for me only has real value if you only share it with one person.
 
C

Chazwozel

Shegokigo said:
I think some people are misunderstanding the second part of my original post..... :facepalm:
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What I've always found amusing are some of the reasons that people give for not wanting to "try" an "open" relationship. While there are some valid ones: "I don't have any interest in sleeping with anyone else other than my partner" or "I don't have any interest in sleeping with someone of the opposite sex".
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I don't see what other reasons there would have to be. Some people just don't want to bang everyone. I'm at the point in my life where I'd rather share my life with one person exclusively, rather than delve into sewing my wild oats all over. Sleeping around for me was fun in my teens and early 20's. I like being settled down with one person.
 
C

Chazwozel

Icarus said:
Open relationships are a lot harder to keep balanced, I think. Heck, a "normal" relationship is already tough one to keep working but I know people too well to know that jealousy can never be discounted even if you're in an open relationship. The people I know who have open relationships, nearly always fall in the same trap: one of the two secretly wants his or her partner for him or herself but knows the their partner doesn't feel the same and is afraid to admit it out of fear of losing him/her.

At work, one guy is a self-proclaimed "playboy" and it took over a year before we discovered he had an actual girlfriend because he kept talking about other girls. When we had a company get-together, he brought her along and while there, he'd still flirt with the other girls present there. She said they had an open relationship too but it was pretty obvious HE was the one who had the open relationship while she was not very keen about it at all.

Personally, I'm weary of people who don't feel any jealousy when their girlfriend or boyfriend is hitting on other girls/guys - it's a natural emotion and it's hard for me to imagine how someone can simple let their partner go with someone else. Then again, intimacy and closeness for me only has real value if you only share it with one person.
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I'm on the same wavelength with you except with the jealousy part. If you trust someone enough there's no need to feel jealous. My wife loves to check dudes out on the beach, and I check out pretty much anything in a short skirt. But that doesn't mean I'm going to follow through, I trust my wife to do the same thing.
 
Shegokigo

Shegokigo

Chazwozel said:
I don't see what other reasons there would have to be. Some people just don't want to bang everyone. I'm at the point in my life where I'd rather share my life with one person exclusively, rather than delve into sewing my wild oats all over. Sleeping around for me was fun in my teens and early 20's. I like being settled down with one person.
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Shegokigo said:
While there are some valid ones: "I don't have any interest in sleeping with anyone else other than my partner" or "I don't have any interest in sleeping with someone of the opposite sex".
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I

Icarus

I never had the urge to sleep around - no excuses or insecurities at all about that. When I'm with a girl, I simply would not be able to live with myself if I broke her trust. And if she suggested it, it would most likely mean the end of the relationship because if she had need to be with others, then I'd feel this wasn't the kind of relationship I'd be comfortable with nor one that would work in the long run.

About jealousy: I guess some people get it harder than others. It's not even something you chose to be. Envy & jealousy are considered "sins" but it's not something you can turn off and it's very hard to ignore. I'm not really jealous about material things at all, but I attach great value to intimacy and in a relationship, I feel that sharing things that no-one else knows really helps - I was jealous in the past when discovering that others were told things she wouldn't tell me, for example. I guess this is also tied to trust.
 
C

Chazwozel

Icarus said:
I never had the urge to sleep around - no excuses or insecurities at all about that. When I'm with a girl, I simply would not be able to live with myself if I broke her trust. And if she suggested it, it would most likely mean the end of the relationship because if she had need to be with others, then I'd feel this wasn't the kind of relationship I'd be comfortable with nor one that would work in the long run.

About jealousy: I guess some people get it harder than others. It's not even something you chose to be. Envy & jealousy are considered "sins" but it's not something you can turn off and it's very hard to ignore. I'm not really jealous about material things at all, but I attach great value to intimacy and in a relationship, I feel that sharing things that no-one else knows really helps - I was jealous in the past when discovering that others were told things she wouldn't tell me, for example. I guess this is also tied to trust.
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Ok, let's put it this way. If my wife was making moves on another man, and I could see that she was really falling for him. Then, yes, I would be jealous and probably break his neck in a jealous rage. I'm only human, but I trust her and know that she still loves me so I don't care if she glances over at Joe Sixpack's nice butt.
 
Shegokigo

Shegokigo

Hm yeah, this conversation is getting offbase.

The real point I was trying to make, is that it seems like swinging/open relationships/multiple partner lifestyles is starting to "eek" it's way into the mainstream's "okay" area and a little less in the "taboo". Granted the gay lifestyle is still not "fully okay" in alot of aspects of America, but it's defintely hit more "mainstream" since a few years ago.

I was simply wondering how "acceptable" lifestyles like mine will be viewed in the future.

On the note that the conversation SEEMS to be going:
My GF can sleep with anyone she likes (if I'm there) and vise versa. That's pretty much our only "rule" in the relationship. I think I mostly don't care because I don't really "love" her, and I think she'd be "fine" with "just me" but has the extra stuff on the side for herself as well, and not one of the "doing it for her so she won't leave me" things.

On an interesting thought: "that girl" that I always talk about..... I don't think I would share her or have want to share her, or even want anyonelse if I did have her....
 
Espy

Espy

Shegokigo said:
Chazwozel said:
I don't see what other reasons there would have to be. Some people just don't want to bang everyone. I'm at the point in my life where I'd rather share my life with one person exclusively, rather than delve into sewing my wild oats all over. Sleeping around for me was fun in my teens and early 20's. I like being settled down with one person.
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Shegokigo said:
While there are some valid ones: "I don't have any interest in sleeping with anyone else other than my partner" or "I don't have any interest in sleeping with someone of the opposite sex".
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Sure and if you hadn't followed that up with this:
Shegokigo said:
are usually just fake excuses
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I would have never responded. Maybe you didn't mean to be implying that you know that most peoples "excuses" are just fake but that's how it's written. From what you have now said I don't think thats what you mean, right? Sorry to misunderstand your wording.
 
Shegokigo

Shegokigo

Because most people's excuses ARE fake. Perhaps there are exceptions (like those listed in this thread) but I'm talking about "General America".
 
Espy

Espy

Shegokigo said:
Because most people's excuses ARE fake. Perhaps there are exceptions (like those listed in this thread) but I'm talking about "General America".
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Oh. I missed that study. What psychiatric journal was it in?



*I'm just giving you crap, I agree that many people want to sleep with other people, but I don't know how many want their partner to, open relationship or not... does that make sense?
 
Charlie Don't Surf

Charlie Don't Surf

I think the HBO show "Big Love" was more of a deal getting the idea a little more mainstream and less of just Mormon jokes. Also the CBS show "Swingtown", even though it was just a summer show, still got a lot of eyeballs on it.
 
Tinwhistler

Tinwhistler

I've been in open relationships (of one sort or another. Different relationships develop different rules, naturally) ever since I started dating, so for over 20 years. I've been in only one completely monogamous relationship during that time, which lasted about 3 years.

I don't think open relationships are any harder or easier than monogamous ones, except for the fact that finding partners who are okay with an open arrangement tends to be a bit difficult. But probably not any more difficult than finding a partner is, in general. I've never gone for any great length of time without companionship.

I've been seeing a lot more 'mainstream' articles on polyamory lately--and polyamory seems to have a lot more acceptance in mainstream media than swinging. Swingers still tend to be portrayed as horny deviants who just wanna fuck anything that moves, whereas polyamory is usually portrayed more in the 'hippie-love-shack' kind of tone.
 
Shegokigo

Shegokigo

Espy said:
Oh. I missed that study. What psychiatric journal was it in?
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Sorry bout that, let me rephrase:

Most people, whom I've met, either have a valid reason (as I stated earlier) or have fake excuses that stem from the issues I also stated earlier.
 
@Li3n

@Li3n

Shegokigo said:
Wonder how this is going to continue....
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I;m thinking it reaches critical mass, then the inevitable backlash happens and we start burning you at the stake again... unless witches come back, then you might have a chance to avoid it this tim... oh wait, right, you yourself will get burned either way... sorry.
 
Krisken

Krisken

Nope. Shego's opinion on relationships doesn't really bother me. It doesn't even bother me that she seems to think anyone who disagrees has "fake excuses".

Once a statement like that is made, there's not a whole lot left to discuss.
 
Calleja

Calleja

I've found Mexican girls tend to be very much against open relationships.

It's weird, cause the average girl down here will be happy to spend the night with you if there's Chemistry, even if it means never seeing you again. But once you start "officially dating", open relationships are a big taboo. I don't think I've ever even met a girl who KNEW she was in an open relationship (some men think THEY are, just don't have to tell their girlfriends :facepalm: ).

Interesting little social commentary there.


I don't really mind, though, as much of a horndog I am when single, once I start a serious relationship a switch in my brain goes off and I become the most monogamous idiot around. I've never, ever cheated on any of my girlfriends. Not even a little bit.
 
Krisken

Krisken

Ok, read it. I owe you an apology.

I think sex is only one way people try to control each other. I would be willing to bet that people in open relationships still do things to control other people in their lives.
 
C

Chazwozel

Shegokigo said:
Hm yeah, this conversation is getting offbase.

The real point I was trying to make, is that it seems like swinging/open relationships/multiple partner lifestyles is starting to "eek" it's way into the mainstream's "okay" area and a little less in the "taboo". Granted the gay lifestyle is still not "fully okay" in alot of aspects of America, but it's defintely hit more "mainstream" since a few years ago.

I was simply wondering how "acceptable" lifestyles like mine will be viewed in the future.

On the note that the conversation SEEMS to be going:
My GF can sleep with anyone she likes (if I'm there) and vise versa. That's pretty much our only "rule" in the relationship. I think I mostly don't care because I don't really "love" her, and I think she'd be "fine" with "just me" but has the extra stuff on the side for herself as well, and not one of the "doing it for her so she won't leave me" things.

On an interesting thought: "that girl" that I always talk about..... I don't think I would share her or have want to share her, or even want anyonelse if I did have her....
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Swinging has been mainstream since the 60's...
 
C

Chazwozel

Calleja said:
Known about, sure... MAINSTREAM? I doubt it... how many swingers do YOU know?
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I don't really ask people if they're swingers or not. :bush:
 
Hailey Knight

Hailey Knight

Which is why I'd never aim for one: so sex gets opened up, but so what? Once you get in a relationship, unless both people really are sure of each other, are willing to live by the whole "love them, let them go", they are going to try to control each other. There's no escape.

Icarus: For me, it's not about a conscious thing. It's not ignoring or suppressing. I just don't feel jealousy. If we wanna get into sins, I theorize I'm too deep in pride for jealousy.
 
A

Aisaku

Krisken said:
Ok, read it. I owe you an apology.

I think sex is only one way people try to control each other. I would be willing to bet that people in open relationships still do things to control other people in their lives.
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Interesting.... :popcorn:
 
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