[Rant] Other women vs my wife.

[SpecialKO]

Have you considered going to a therapist/counselor yourself? Sometimes, therapy isn't about how you can change your own thinking, but how you can adapt to deal with other people's thinking without going crazy yourself.

Or to put it another way, while venting anonymously on the internet can be useful, a good therapist can go a lot deeper and have the personal details necessary to help you plan a different approach. My own helped me change my approach to dealing with someone else at work. I didn't change how I think or how I do my actual job, just how I conveyed info to this person and dealt with roadblocks that person set up.

 

[strawman]

roadblocks

explosives

 

[Anonymous]

The current state of things: After a mild fight last night and then again this morning we were able to at least come to an understanding. My wife is still convinced that there is nothing wrong with how she perceived Jessica's actions. She still maintains that J. was attempting to show her dominance over the group and look down upon her. But she has at least agreed to give Jessica another chance. Though more than likely that won't be for a while anyway as the next time I have people over it will probably be a different group entirely. Only enough time for one game day a month currently.
So whatever. Luckily my wife didn't do her usual withdrawing into her shell thing that she does whenever she and I don't agree on something. She attempted to, but I was able to show her that I was listening to her enough that she decided that pulling the "You've just proven that I can never talk to you"
BS was not valid this time around. My wife bathes in drama. She did take off her ring last night in one of those "I don't feel like I should be wearing these" moments, but like I said. She's just dramatic and I don't think much of it anymore. Maybe it will be an issue in the future. But for now she understands deep down that she's happy. Hard to explain the situation without making it sound worse than it is.

 

[sixpackshaker]

 

[Officer_Charon]

The statement about her taking of her ring as a gesture says all you need to know about her - like you've already said, she thrives on the drama. Refuse to buy into it, and you refuse to play her games. Stay consistent with it, and she'll either grow out of it, or she'll try another tactic, and you'll learn to deal with that one, too.

Honestly, it sounds as though she still needs to grow up somewhat, because this is petty high school bullshit. Hopefully she'll realise that before permanent damage is done. For what it's worth, it sounds as though you've handled it pretty well so far. Don't play the game, and she'll figure it out quickly enough.

 

[strawman]

Hmm, yeah, I suppose if this behavior is not actually fear but merely an attempt to manipulate people then that might be the best response.

 

[GasBandit]

That "taking of the ring because I don't feel like I should be wearing it right now" thing is just absolute passive-aggressive headgames bullshit. As much as the right thing to do is to ignore it, I'd be tempted to say something like "you know, my ring can come off, too" and leave it hanging what it means.

 

[Officer_Charon]

Not really, because then you're buying into the game - it's a grand, dramatic gesture, and it feeds her need to be the center of attention. Brush it off, and carry on.

 

[GasBandit]

Not really, because then you're buying into the game - it's a grand, dramatic gesture, and it feeds her need to be the center of attention. Brush it off, and carry on.

Yeah, like I said.. I know it's right.

 

[Officer_Charon]

Reading comprehension fail. My bad, dude

 

[Jay]

When I read that I couldn't help but feel bad for op.

To say such anything speaks wonders on the situation.

If her purpose is to have you get angry or upset, your only recourse is to be neutral about it and dismiss it. Replying or reacting to it only makes her win.

You should hang out with your friends without her. To do that is not an act of defiance it's an act of you don't give a shit and life will move on without her.

Lastly, I still have fears for your daughter having such a bad influence on her.

 

[Hailey Knight]

Doing things like that suggests she either wants to hurt you or doesn't care if she does.

 

[Chad Sexington]

I'm interested to know why she thinks her point of view/perception is so important/correct if she generally thinks poorly of herself. I mean, if she really thinks there's so much to hate about herself, then surely even her point of view might be flawed? Why doesn't she consider that other people's points of view could be correct?

Why doesn't she see that Jessica is new to the group and might have been assertive just because it's hard to join a new group, and she wanted to make sure she (Jessica) made the best of it?

Why is your wife's POV the be all and end all correct one?

 

[Hailey Knight]

She's crazy in the coconut?

 

[Anonymous]

Doing things like that suggests she either wants to hurt you or doesn't care if she does.

She does care. One of her issues is that she just hasn't been in such a loving relationship before. She's accustomed to feeling absolutely nothing for the people she's with, as a defense mechanism that kept her from getting emotionally hurt in those abusive relationships. She actually has deep feelings for me, but whenever we fight her instinct is to put up walls and retreat to a "I don't care" state again.
It's just some crazy drama. It's gotten better over time though. She's young and has had a troubled child-hood. I assume things will get better, but even if they don't I'll deal. She's very mature and dedicated in some aspects, and just a drama queen in others. But then again most of us are in some way. When we really get fighting it's a lot of drama from both sides. I picked up a mean temper from my dad so I can get pretty loud and ridiculous sometimes. Also something that I've been working on controlling. Which is luckily also helping her to control her temper.

 

[tegid]

I'm interested to know why she thinks her point of view/perception is so important/correct if she generally thinks poorly of herself. I mean, if she really thinks there's so much to hate about herself, then surely even her point of view might be flawed? Why doesn't she consider that other people's points of view could be correct?

Why doesn't she see that Jessica is new to the group and might have been assertive just because it's hard to join a new group, and she wanted to make sure she (Jessica) made the best of it?

Why is your wife's POV the be all and end all correct one?

Not being able to admit that you may be wrong is also a way of bing insecure...

 

[Dave]

When we really get fighting it's a lot of drama from both sides. I picked up a mean temper from my dad so I can get pretty loud and ridiculous sometimes. Also something that I've been working on controlling. Which is luckily also helping her to control her temper.

Remember - and this is of critical importance - when you fight, you know what hr weaknesses and insecurities are. Never - EVER - use these insecurities as ammo. One instance of this will invalidate months and years of carefully building up her self-esteem. You MUST stay in control at all times during a fight.

 

[Chad Sexington]

Not being able to admit that you may be wrong is also a way of bing insecure...

I know... I am asking, really, what her answer is that apparent logical contradiction.

 

[Anonymous]

Another of my wife's issues, or rather something I suspect is an issue, is her desire to lie about certain things. I've been of the understanding since we first started dating, that not everything my wife says can be taken for face value. She's made several allegations towards some of my friends regarding inappropriate behavior, which at the time I could only resolve as "misunderstandings". My friends can be considered many things, but apart from one who did the deed he was accused of, they are pretty honest and decent folks. It certainly hasn't stopped at my friends. As posted above, she does the same thing to most women we meet. I'll find out that, while I had my back turned, or while I wasn't listening, the other woman did something or said something so cruel that it would make anyone scratch their heads at the likeliness of it. She also does the same thing with her mom, insisting that her mom does nothing but scream at her, when the most I've ever seen is a stern lecture.
One of the strangest lies that she makes regards her ability to see psychic visions when she dreams. She claims, for example, that she knew about 911 two weeks before it happened, having dreamed of planes slamming into two tall towers. Of course she only mentioned this to anyone after the event occurred. She's been making this claim lately on a few other news blurbs. She gave a bunch of physical details regarding the Boston Marathon Bombers such as they didn't realize the building near their second drop had a camera, and the types of clothes they were wearing. And yesterday she said she had a dream about being capsized off the east coast and having to swim hours to shore to rescue her family. Of course by the time she revealed these dreams to me these facts were already documented knowledge. In fact, immediately after she "found" the news story about the capsized family to prove to me her dream was another one of her visions, I checked her phone's browsing history and discovered that she had looked at the article earlier that morning.
I didn't confront her with the knowledge. I don't think calling her a liar is the best way to go about it. I assume this is just another one of her quirks that she's obtained over time. Something definitely for a therapist to go over with her, but as mentioned above she refuses to see one.
I watch TV for drama. I don't need it at home. Ugh.

 

[HCGLNS]

Sounds similar to my MIL. I have adopted the strategy of letting the minor stuff slide and I am much happier for it. My BIL has not yet done so and he and MIL go around and around over small shit.

In short if it is small potatoes and everyone knows whats going on,

"Let the Wookie win."

 

[strawman]

I have a relative who does that as well. If you look at the research for déjà vu you find that one of the explanations is that a memory gets put into long term storage immediately, rather than going into short term storage first, and that it then feels like a memory you've had for far longer than you've actually had it, and thus gives you the sensation of already having known about it, even as you experience it.

So she may not actually be doing this on purpose, she may fully believe that she already "knew".

On the other hand, I have (very very rarely) had visions but they are very personal to me, so I don't share them before or after the event, and they only concern me and my family, not external events. There's no reason to share them.

Whether she's doing this on purpose or not, you might just respond passively or even slightly negatively to discourage her sharing them with you, or seeing them as something that makes her special.

"Wow, that must be terrible to have dreams like that!" Then say nothing else. If pushed, "well, I know that if I had dreams of such terrible events, but didn't do anything to try to prevent it, it would tear me up inside." And so forth.

Alternately, encourage her to keep a dream journal. And to keep her dreams to herself. ;P

But I suspect there's not much that will change about it until she has more self esteem. This is a symptom of broader problems, so work on the underlying issues and hopefully, over time, it will be resolved.