Rant VIII: The Reckoning
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We mostly live paycheck to paycheck. If I hadn't taken out a loan we wouldn't have been able to replace it, it just seems like everything is hitting at the exact same time right when I don't need it to hit. But will see. Everything normally works itself out I'm sure it will this time as well
Sell the kids.
Retainers and glasses? This isn't prime genetic stock. He'll be lucky to get the 600 back.
Maybe just the livers and kidneys?
Dentist cut us a break, it's only going to be 200 instead of 400 so that's a huge discount onlyu have to pay for labs and something else
Increasingly doubting my relationship and it’s basically 100% due to a lack of sex, which is incredibly frustrating because we’re so much more compatible in every other way, more than I’ve been in any other relationship. But it’s hard to feel attractive when her response to sex is “nah I’m good” all but once a month.
I feel this so hard. My wife and I had some words a couple of months ago about our dead bedroom. She's doing her best to be more accommodating, but at the same time I don't want to make her do stuff she doesn't actually want to do, y'know? And our relationship is perfect in virtually every other way. It's a pickle.
Yup, very recognisable. We've had sex once in September, twice in August. Four or five times in July, but that was including the vacation where I asked her to marry me, so, I mean, if even that couldn't light her fires. I don't understand how people have kids ever get around to sex. We have no time, and getting her interested is a three-day psychological study or there-abouts.
I know this isn't the advice subforum, but just to offer some perspective that may or may not be useful.
I never liked the ridiculous insistence my body had for sexual activity; it felt outside my will and desire. Without testosterone, that's entirely gone now. There's definitely a "getting in the mood" process that wasn't there before that can make sexual activity feel a little like a time-consuming chore.
I'm not saying that goes for all women and could be solely my unique experience from seeing both sides of the hormone field, but in the off-chance it isn't, maybe consider that might also be the feeling of your significant others and approach from that angle. IF it feels like another chore, just a task to complete, how can that be changed?
I never liked the ridiculous insistence my body had for sexual activity; it felt outside my will and desire. Without testosterone, that's entirely gone now. There's definitely a "getting in the mood" process that wasn't there before that can make sexual activity feel a little like a time-consuming chore.
I'm not saying that goes for all women and could be solely my unique experience from seeing both sides of the hormone field, but in the off-chance it isn't, maybe consider that might also be the feeling of your significant others and approach from that angle. IF it feels like another chore, just a task to complete, how can that be changed?
To echo this, there's a reason they sometimes prescribe women small amounts of testosterone if they feel like they are having problems with sexual activity. Sexual desire is strongly chemical in nature and a billion things can affect it that are outside the hands of the individual.
Which I'm aware of and try to take into account. But if your view of sex is "a chore", and you literally say "oh god, getting up afterwards, and going to wash up, and ugh I'm tired, I'd rather go do the dishes"...Well, OK. Fine. But then don't be jealous. If you don't think sex is worth it or an instrumental part of a relationship, fair enough - but then don't be jealous, either. If you think sex is about as interesting as cooking, you should probably also care as much about who I have sex with as with whom I'm doing the laundry.
honestly, though, it's also about expectations. My fiancee knows full well I broke up with my last GF because she had no interest in sex. My current partner said she had a lot more interest and so on than she does now have. While shes still jealous. It feels like a bait and switch. Luckily I like cuddling too.
A
Anonymous
Anonymous
Speaking solely for myself (as a woman):
When I was dating my now spouse, I had a sex drive that matched and sometimes even exceed theirs.
Years passed, and things happen, and I'm now on anti-depressants.
One of the side-effects of those drugs, you know, the ones that literally keep me from trying to kill myself, is that they have taken my sex drive out behind the barn and shot it. It's gone. It's done. I have less than no interest in sex. I still like to cuddle, but the thought of penetrative sex is ... just... grey. It has all the appeal of plain oatmeal.
It's an issue. And one that I've talked about with my spouse, and one which I still don't think they fully grasp without massive amounts of resentment.
I've also asked my therapist about it, and there's basically no helping the problem either, which is super frustrating.
I fully believe that my lack of sex drive is going to be what leads to the breakdown of my marriage. It's not going to be the last thing, but it will be the first in the string of events that leads to the relationship dissolving.
So - ya.
When I was dating my now spouse, I had a sex drive that matched and sometimes even exceed theirs.
Years passed, and things happen, and I'm now on anti-depressants.
One of the side-effects of those drugs, you know, the ones that literally keep me from trying to kill myself, is that they have taken my sex drive out behind the barn and shot it. It's gone. It's done. I have less than no interest in sex. I still like to cuddle, but the thought of penetrative sex is ... just... grey. It has all the appeal of plain oatmeal.
It's an issue. And one that I've talked about with my spouse, and one which I still don't think they fully grasp without massive amounts of resentment.
I've also asked my therapist about it, and there's basically no helping the problem either, which is super frustrating.
I fully believe that my lack of sex drive is going to be what leads to the breakdown of my marriage. It's not going to be the last thing, but it will be the first in the string of events that leads to the relationship dissolving.
So - ya.
To be fair, depression is also itself quite the wet blanket for smothering the flames of passion. And there's a lot going on in the world right now to make a person depressed (even if they aren't outwardly showing signs). So the odds of finding a time when someone is "in the mood" are about the same as finding an all-yellow banana...the overwhelming majority of 'em are going to be green or brown, and if you do find any yellows, they aren't going to stay yellow for very long.
--Patrick
To be clear, I absolutely do accept that people have different feelings and desires and levels of desire, and all that. Not getting any still isn't any fun, though 
Like bhamv, though, there's the issue that if she's not into it, it's...well, not sex - it's masturbation with her body as a tool. While also fun in its own wy, I guess, it's not what I want.
And I most certainly remember what my sex drive was like when I was on anti-depressants. It was of a slightly different level than mine is now
Like bhamv, though, there's the issue that if she's not into it, it's...well, not sex - it's masturbation with her body as a tool. While also fun in its own wy, I guess, it's not what I want.
And I most certainly remember what my sex drive was like when I was on anti-depressants. It was of a slightly different level than mine is now
Here's a hug, because of what you're going through.
Here's a brofist, because I've been through this myself.
Here's a weasel hug, because everyone needs a weasel hug.
To add to the conversation, I am on SSRIs now, which has been a wonderful experience and improved my life a hundred fold, but I also no longer have any sex drive. Everything still works, I can still get an erection and orgasm, and sure it feels good, but... It's hard to explain. It feels like I no longer need it, and as someone that's currently single it's not exactly a problem, but it had lead to a situation I never thought I'd find myself in where there are women that want to have sex with me but I'm like nah, I'm good, I could be doing something else instead.
Also, one more thing. Even though I don't feel like I have a sex drive, I still like sexy things. I still appreciate attractive ladies, I still read erotica, and I find mental stimulation far more important than physical. So for those struggling with their own sex drive or that of a partner, seeking more mental avenues like roleplaying might be a way to get things going.
I should add that this is something we have talked about, and I feel contributes to the problem; I’ve told her on a few occasions I want more than I’m getting and she can tell me if there’s any problems we can address, and she’ll tell me she agrees, and promise she wants to do it more often. Maybe for a few days things improve. Then she slips right back into perpetually not being in the mood and I’m starting to feel lead on about it.
Here is my take:
-When are you trying to initiate sex? If your wife already has a low sex drive and you are trying to do it at the end of the day, you are already setting yourself up to fail. When energy levels are low, sex is going to be the last thing on the mind of someone who is already not super inclined towards it.
-Not ideal if you want sex more often, but try to actively track your wife's menstrual cycle and initiate more often a few days after her period. If she is on birth control, this is probably another thing contributing to a low sex drive, but if she's not, make sure you are using protection of some kind since this is also the fertile period.
-Make sure you are doing more than just trying to initiate sex. I don't mean foreplay, though that is important, I mean initiating physical contact throughout the day. Try to get to a place where things feel intimate before you think about sex.
-Try to do the above without requesting sex as a payoff. If your wife is feeling pressured into having sex, it's going to be even harder for her to be in the mood. Start with just cuddling, then maybe work on some small thing she likes but you don't do very often. Think back to being a silly teenager and play footsy, or just hold hands, or stare into each other's eyes, or if that all feels ridiculous, just make funny faces at each other.
Really what it breaks down to is, IMO if your wife has a diminished sex drive, do not put the burden only on her to fix it. Work together.
*Also, try to find some kind of erotica you can enjoy together. I hate visual porn and find it more ridiculous and comical than sexy, but I enjoy books and audiobooks with sexual scenes and (here we go) I find it gets me personally more turned on than any amount of foreplay.
-When are you trying to initiate sex? If your wife already has a low sex drive and you are trying to do it at the end of the day, you are already setting yourself up to fail. When energy levels are low, sex is going to be the last thing on the mind of someone who is already not super inclined towards it.
-Not ideal if you want sex more often, but try to actively track your wife's menstrual cycle and initiate more often a few days after her period. If she is on birth control, this is probably another thing contributing to a low sex drive, but if she's not, make sure you are using protection of some kind since this is also the fertile period.
-Make sure you are doing more than just trying to initiate sex. I don't mean foreplay, though that is important, I mean initiating physical contact throughout the day. Try to get to a place where things feel intimate before you think about sex.
-Try to do the above without requesting sex as a payoff. If your wife is feeling pressured into having sex, it's going to be even harder for her to be in the mood. Start with just cuddling, then maybe work on some small thing she likes but you don't do very often. Think back to being a silly teenager and play footsy, or just hold hands, or stare into each other's eyes, or if that all feels ridiculous, just make funny faces at each other.
Really what it breaks down to is, IMO if your wife has a diminished sex drive, do not put the burden only on her to fix it. Work together.
*Also, try to find some kind of erotica you can enjoy together. I hate visual porn and find it more ridiculous and comical than sexy, but I enjoy books and audiobooks with sexual scenes and (here we go) I find it gets me personally more turned on than any amount of foreplay.
Testosterone levels (and therefore libido) tend to be highest in the morning, BUT the tasks and schedule of the upcoming day can easily crush a mood. Maybe spend the night in a hotel room and go to bed a little early? After seeing if she's up for it, of course. Sometimes being surrounded by (and reminded of) all your responsibilities can also be a downer for both of you.
--Patrick
--Patrick
Just woke up from a bad dream where I was a Kindergarten/Grade 1 teacher; similar grade level like when I was doing my teaching practicum about 5 years ago...and had dropped out of the program.
That...stirred up a lot of big, bad emotions and I don't know how to deal with them. And now I can't sleep.
In the dream, I was own my own and no control over the class itself. We were doing an activity. I turned my back for a second and suddenly they were in the hallway getting ready to go outside because they suddenly decided they wanted recess (which wasn't for another hour), rather than be authoritative, I just went out with them. Finally, while they were outside, I managed to take control, get them lined up, and come back inside...but not without losing two little girls, which I didn't realize until we were back inside.
I panicked and asked for help from the teacher across the hall (whose students whispered about how I was a bad teacher). The dream ended when the other teachers were looking for the little girls and I flat-out asked the rest of the class what they wanted to do.
And now I can't sleep because that...basically happened during my practicum. Not the recess thing, but close. My co-op teacher had stepped out for longer than usual and I panicked and hadn't noticed that recess had started (after seeing other kids from other classrooms playing outside). And during one hectic indoor lunch period (where again, the other teacher had stepped out), one little boy ran out. We had planned for this before, since he made a beeline upstairs to see his brother in another classroom. But I didn't see two other little boys rush out to find him. They were all found and returned, mind you. Thank Christ for the other teachers at the time because God only knows what would have happened to those kids.
This incident, along with my overall poor performance, was discussed during one of my regular evaluations with my co-op teacher and evaluator. The co-op specifically wrote she did NOT recommend me as a teacher (and rightfully so, I'm still ashamed of that incident).
I'm currently in a 6-week group therapy program. This past week, I broke down crying during one counselling session because I was reminded how painful it was to drop out of my Elementary Teaching program. I hit a proverbial wall that I've never recovered from and it's a big part of why I see myself as a failure. It's why I've given up on life and feel hopeless about my future. Because if I screwed up THAT badly, what else I could screw up if I was given any responsibility at all?
And now I'm just...Christ, I'm crying just writing this and can't get back to sleep.
That...stirred up a lot of big, bad emotions and I don't know how to deal with them. And now I can't sleep.
In the dream, I was own my own and no control over the class itself. We were doing an activity. I turned my back for a second and suddenly they were in the hallway getting ready to go outside because they suddenly decided they wanted recess (which wasn't for another hour), rather than be authoritative, I just went out with them. Finally, while they were outside, I managed to take control, get them lined up, and come back inside...but not without losing two little girls, which I didn't realize until we were back inside.
I panicked and asked for help from the teacher across the hall (whose students whispered about how I was a bad teacher). The dream ended when the other teachers were looking for the little girls and I flat-out asked the rest of the class what they wanted to do.
And now I can't sleep because that...basically happened during my practicum. Not the recess thing, but close. My co-op teacher had stepped out for longer than usual and I panicked and hadn't noticed that recess had started (after seeing other kids from other classrooms playing outside). And during one hectic indoor lunch period (where again, the other teacher had stepped out), one little boy ran out. We had planned for this before, since he made a beeline upstairs to see his brother in another classroom. But I didn't see two other little boys rush out to find him. They were all found and returned, mind you. Thank Christ for the other teachers at the time because God only knows what would have happened to those kids.
This incident, along with my overall poor performance, was discussed during one of my regular evaluations with my co-op teacher and evaluator. The co-op specifically wrote she did NOT recommend me as a teacher (and rightfully so, I'm still ashamed of that incident).
I'm currently in a 6-week group therapy program. This past week, I broke down crying during one counselling session because I was reminded how painful it was to drop out of my Elementary Teaching program. I hit a proverbial wall that I've never recovered from and it's a big part of why I see myself as a failure. It's why I've given up on life and feel hopeless about my future. Because if I screwed up THAT badly, what else I could screw up if I was given any responsibility at all?
And now I'm just...Christ, I'm crying just writing this and can't get back to sleep.
For what it matters, *BEARHUG*
"If I can't keep track of a bunch of 5-year-olds, how can I do anything?" assumes dealing with a bunch of 5-year-olds is easy, and it's really, really not. Even two is challenging. You're allowed for that to not be your jam.
I know this is rant and solutions aren't the point, but I had a realization that maybe has already been brought up in group:
I think you need to forgive yourself. For that and anything else you're holding against yourself.
PREACH IT!
I've been telling my mother this for over thirty years, and she still can't let herself let bygones be bygones.
Maybe it's too late for her, but you still have time.
--Patrick
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Forgiving yourself -or even accepting a mistake or failure - is incredibly hard, and something most people don't ever manage.
Dragging our old memories, making us relive them, perhaps reliving the emotions and hopefully learning something about ourselves somewhere along the road is painful.
Still, I'm glad to see you're getting help and that it seems to be achieving something. I hope the support system is good enough to help you make a breakthrough.
Lots of hugs for the pain and struggles in the here-and-now, though.
Dragging our old memories, making us relive them, perhaps reliving the emotions and hopefully learning something about ourselves somewhere along the road is painful.
Still, I'm glad to see you're getting help and that it seems to be achieving something. I hope the support system is good enough to help you make a breakthrough.
Lots of hugs for the pain and struggles in the here-and-now, though.
^Thiiiis!
Group is tough. It takes a lot to do, especially voluntarily. I'm proud of you, @ThatNickGuy .
Group is tough. It takes a lot to do, especially voluntarily. I'm proud of you, @ThatNickGuy .
The curfew is in Quito. The rest of the country is only around "strategic locations". Things in the coast region where I am are pretty calm. The sierra region is a mess. If I weren't so scared this would be a nice opportunity to test the dangers of socialism and if an unarmed population can topple a goverment.
Got threatened by a guy on campus today, who decided to follow me to class in his car while yelling insults. So not only did I piss off a psycho, he knows where I'm going to be 4 days a week.
Just... god damn it.
Just... god damn it.
What the hell? What caused you two to have words in the first place?
Also, not okay, psycho dude. You might want to give a heads-up to campus security.
He was some grubhub/food delivery guy who pulled up and parked across an entire crosswalk when some other students and I were about to cross. I told him that was illegal (and shitty) and he went ape.
I have his face and plates. I'm trying to figure out where I send this.
