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Things we never thought we would say...

Apr 7, 2013#1

Squidleybits

I have been meaning to write some of these down. With two kids and various pets, I often am horrified by some of the things I say in the middle of the chaos.

I thought it would be fun to hear some other people's as well!

So from dinner just now...

"We don't eat floor balls!"

Apr 7, 2013#2

LittleSin

"Don't clothes pin the cat!"

Apr 7, 2013#3

WasabiPoptart

Don't shoot your sister with that crossbow!!

Apr 7, 2013#4

strawman

Yes, duct tape is strong enough to hold your brother to the wall.

No, you may not borrow my duct tape.

Apr 7, 2013#5

HCGLNS

"There is human feces frozen to my forehead!"

Apr 7, 2013#6

WasabiPoptart

Oh here's another one. My son used to be prone to heat rash. A few years ago it was bad enough that I had to get Aveeno oatmeal bath for him to soak in to help stop the itching. He wasn't so sure about taking a bath in oatmeal, so I did my best to reassure him:

"It'll be ok. I'll toss in some brown sugar and cinnamon. Maybe a few raisins. Then you can have a snack while you're in the tub."

He didn't think Mommy was very funny.

Apr 7, 2013#7

Squidleybits

that's fantastic!

Last summer while on vacation to my son..."Watch your sword by the barbeque!"

Apr 7, 2013#8

WasabiPoptart

During my husband's last deployment -

Noah: Mommy? Where's Bahrain?

Me: Near Bah-Snow and Bah-Hail, but it's not that close to Bah Humbug.

Noah: ... :thumbsdown:

Apr 7, 2013#9

strawman

No, I don't want to see. Well, did he swallow it, or spit it out? Then he learned that bugs don't taste good and he'll be just fine. Thank you for telling me the baby was eating a bug.

Apr 7, 2013#10

Cajungal

If you behave you can have a sheep's brain.

Apr 7, 2013#11

WasabiPoptart

Yes, Mommy is playing a game. No, I didn't kill that guy. He needed a nap.

Apr 7, 2013#12

Squidleybits

ha! I love these. Thanks guys

Apr 7, 2013#13

Cajungal

A controlled explosion is fine. We'll just have to take it outside and clear it with the principal.

Apr 7, 2013#14

North_Ranger

Cajungal said:
If you behave you can have a sheep's brain.

May we have some context, please?

Apr 7, 2013#15

Cajungal

North_Ranger said:
May we have some context, please?

We had to crack down on the 5th grade class for their disrespect and smart-assery. So my policy for this quarter is--Be good or you'll have worksheets while everyone else is doing a fun lab. We dissect sheep brains in 2 weeks.

Apr 7, 2013#16

Officer_Charon

What is that coming out of the cat's butt?

Apr 7, 2013#17

bhamv3

"I do."

Apr 7, 2013#18

Squidleybits

Officer_Charon said:
What is that coming out of the cat's butt?

oh ew! I hope I never have to say those words.

Apr 7, 2013#19

LittleSin

Possibly related.

Apr 7, 2013#20

Zappit

I had a nice brain fart just last night. I keep a small stash of peanuts squirreled away due to the fact they disappear pretty quickly in my house. Everyone knows about it, and it's not some weird thing. But I was having ice cream last night, and wanted to toss some peanuts in. So what do I announce in front of my family?

I'll be right back. I'm just going to grab my nuts.

Apr 7, 2013#21

Chad Sexington

Playing Plague Inc and my five year old niece comes by.

"What's that?" "Uhm... a map. That's Canada, that's where we live!" "What's the red stuff." "It's... a virus." "Why?" "To... kill everyone." "YOU'RE GOING TO KILL CANADA?" "Y...yes." "CAN I HELP?!"

Apr 8, 2013#22

Ravenpoe

I've had enough of this orgy.

Granted, this isn't anything I've ever said, but I don't think I ever will.

Mostly because no one invites me to the orgies

Apr 8, 2013#23

bhamv3

Ravenpoe said:
I've had enough of this orgy.

Granted, this isn't anything I've ever said, but I don't think I ever will.

Mostly because no one invites me to the orgies

Poe, would you like to come to my orgy?

Apr 8, 2013#24

Frank

-name omitted-, if you don't clean that (literal) shit up off the floor, I'm going to have to put you in the tank.

Apr 8, 2013#25

Terrik

bhamv3 said:
Poe, would you like to come to my orgy?

I'll come too and that'll make it 3.

Apr 8, 2013#26

Zappit

bhamv3 said:
Poe, would you like to come to my orgy?

He should, if just to get out more. According to Supreme Court justice Antonin Scalia, they're - I shit you not - a good way to meet people.

Apr 8, 2013#27

bhamv3

bhamv3 said:
Poe, would you like to come to my orgy?

Terrik said:
I'll come too and that'll make it 3.

Zappit said:
He should, if just to get out more. According to Supreme Court justice Antonin Scalia, they're - I shit you not - a good way to meet people.

I think these also qualify as things we'd never thought we'd say.

Apr 8, 2013#28

Bubble181

Zappit said:
He should, if just to get out more. According to Supreme Court justice Antonin Scalia, they're - I shit you not - a good way to meet people.

Gives a whole new meaning to those deals brokered in dark backrooms....

Apr 8, 2013#29

strawman

"No, I really don't want to know why you asked me that question."

Apr 8, 2013#30

fade

"Joining this Image Comics forum seems like a good idea..."

Apr 8, 2013#31

Dei

While at Great Wolf Lodge (to my son):
"You don't need your wand to go to the bathroom."

Apr 8, 2013#32

sixpackshaker

My friend knows the minute that he became officially old. It is when he told his daughter, "Because I said so!"

Apr 8, 2013#33

phil

@rave-poe

Gotta take the initiative and start your own orgies, man.

Apr 8, 2013#34

Dave

My son, whose jobs include picking up after the dog and doing the cat box:

"Why do all of my chores have to do with poop?"

Apr 8, 2013#35

WasabiPoptart

What if Stephen Hawking had a wheelchair that could transform, you know, like the Transformers?

Apr 8, 2013#36

Officer_Charon

If you puke in here, you'll clean it up. And then you'll walk the rest of the way to the jail.

Apr 8, 2013#37

jwhouk

Your choice - outgoing mail or your bladder.

Apr 8, 2013#38

figmentPez

"Is it okay if I write a fanfic about you?"

Apr 9, 2013#39

KCWM

figmentPez said:
"Is it okay if I write a fanfic about you?"

At least someone asked you...

Apr 9, 2013#40

figmentPez

KCWM said:
At least someone asked you...

I think you've got that backwards. This isn't "Things we never thought we'd hear."

Apr 9, 2013#41

Bumble the Boy Wonder

I can't wait til I can check Halforums tonight!

Apr 9, 2013#42

Chad Sexington

"Dead people are the worst."

Apr 9, 2013#43

Cajungal

Stop talking like Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Apr 9, 2013#44

Officer_Charon

Dammit, don't put that in your mouth!

Apr 9, 2013#45

Cajungal

Officer_Charon said:
Dammit, don't put that in your mouth!

I can assume you weren't addressing your wife.

Apr 9, 2013#46

Gusto

WasabiPoptart said:
What if Stephen Hawking had a wheelchair that could transform, you know, like the Transformers?

Time for this hawk to fly.

Apr 9, 2013#47

Chad Sexington

Cajungal said:
I can assume you weren't addressing your wife.

Very few times do I legitimately laugh at something on the internet when I'm on my own, but damn that was fantastic.

Apr 9, 2013#48

WasabiPoptart

Gusto said:
Time for this hawk to fly.

OMG! That is hilariously awesome!

Apr 9, 2013#49

HCGLNS

"I'm rather concerned at the level of nudity watching TV in this room."

Apr 9, 2013#50

strawman

Yes. You could say diarrhea is poop soup.

Apr 10, 2013#51

Ravenpoe

Cajungal said:
Stop talking like Zsa Zsa Gabor.

I've actually had this said to me.

Apr 10, 2013#52

LittleSin

"Yeh. He's around. He's lying naked on the couch and reading the communist manifesto. I'm finding it strangely arousing." -Me, on the phone to my sister last night. I came to find out later that he was also listening to Rammestein through his head phones, hence the lack of reaction on his part.

Apr 11, 2013#53

KCWM

figmentPez said:
I think you've got that backwards. This isn't "Things we never thought we'd hear."

Ah, right. Yeah, reading comprehension 101 for me.

Apr 11, 2013#54

Officer_Charon

No, seriously, go ahead and hit me in the head. I want to see what I'm looking for

Apr 11, 2013#55

WasabiPoptart

"No, that is not your penis. It's your bellybutton." -said to my daughter who was trying to imitate her brother peeing.

Apr 12, 2013#56

LittleSin

"Jet, stop trying to connect things to my butt while I'm on the phone."

...as if it's okay when I'm not on the phone.

Apr 12, 2013#57

strawman

Little boy: (n.) a noise with dirt on it.

Apr 12, 2013#58

Yoshimickster

"This is one dense fucking cabbage!"

Apr 12, 2013#59

Cajungal

If you wan to sit on your friend's lap, do it on your own time.

Apr 12, 2013#60

Ravenpoe

Yoshimickster said:
"This is one dense fucking cabbage!"

I am intrigued. My fucking-cabbages are never dense enough to properly fuck. Where are you getting yours?

Apr 13, 2013#61

Cajungal

Yoshimickster said:
"This is one dense fucking cabbage!"

I totally know what you're talking about! I bought one recently for dumplings, and it was about 3 times as heavy as I'd anticipated. Crazy grocery store times... I'm an exciting person.

Apr 13, 2013#62

Chad Sexington

"The worst part is, he's dead, so I can't find him and punch him."

Apr 13, 2013#63

LordRendar

Chad Sexington said:
"The worst part is, he's dead, so I can't find him and punch him."

Where there is a will,there is a way.

Apr 14, 2013#64

Hailey Knight

"You gotta be kidding me. You don't even have a horse-headed freak?"

Apr 14, 2013#65

sixpackshaker

"It's worth $50 to watch a woman masturbate a dog."

Apr 14, 2013#66

Ravenpoe

sixpackshaker said:
"It's worth $50 to watch a woman masturbate a dog."

So that's why your avatar is smiling.

Apr 14, 2013#67

sixpackshaker

Ravenpoe said:
So that's why your avatar is smiling.

I was at my parent's home, when the next door neighbor called over the fence that if I ever bred by dog she wanted a puppy. Then my brother told the story about the time he tried to get his wife's Sharpei bitch bred. The sire would not do the 'deed' so the owner jerked the dog off into a turkey baster then used that to try to inseminate his bitch. He was angry that he paid $50 bucks and the procedure did not take. So then I used the above quote...

Apr 14, 2013#68

Cajungal

Do you like my new nail polish?

Apr 17, 2013#69

LittleSin

"Go to the bathroom! You can't just pee on people!"

Apr 17, 2013#70

Chad Sexington

"This is my home, and I will talk about poo whenever I like."

Apr 17, 2013#71

Ravenpoe

LittleSin said:
"Go to the bathroom! You can't just pee on people!"

From the stories you've shared, I can believe you'd say this.

Apr 17, 2013#72

CrimsonSoul

"Man that Stroke 29 isn't as good as the advertising makes it out to be"

Apr 18, 2013#73

LittleSin

"Jeeeet..why are there ping pong balls and rocks in toilet?"

Jet: "One floats!"

"Ah. For science then."

Jet: No. Just to see.

"...that's science in a nut shell."

Apr 18, 2013#74

Chad Sexington

LittleSin said:
"Jeeeet..why are there ping pong balls and rocks in toilet?"

Jet: "One floats!"

"Ah. For science then."

Jet: No. Just to see.

"...that's science in a nut shell."

My niece is just like this. I have a bunch of those buckyballs (bucky cubes, actually), and she was sticking them to things in my apartment when I was babysitting her. Many times they'd fall to the floor because walls and books are not, surprisingly, magnetic. "Why ... why aren't you picking them up?" "Well because now I know what ones are sticky." "Ah, we're doing an experiment?" "I just wanna see what happens." "...That's... that's what I said. That's an experiment." "Okay. How come your walls aren't sticky?"

Apr 18, 2013#75

Officer_Charon

Oh man... I knew I shouldn't have eaten all those sausage balls! *retch*

Apr 19, 2013#76

jwhouk

"Shelter in PLACE?"

Apr 19, 2013#77

Cajungal

jwhouk said:
"Shelter in PLACE?"

Aaaaah! I went to one of those assemblies during student teaching! Stay off the phone! Turn off the AC! Wait for the all-clear!

Apr 19, 2013#78

evilmike

"It's not going to be on hallowed ground, right?"

Apr 24, 2013#79

HCGLNS

"Are you actually removing beer from the fridge to make room for ... SALAD DRESSING!?"

Apr 24, 2013#80

Chad Sexington

HCGLNS said:
"Are you actually removing beer from the fridge to make room for ... SALAD DRESSING!?"

You either need a bigger fridge, or a wiser wife*.

*With apologies to Squidleybits

Apr 24, 2013#81

sixpackshaker

Or the wise wife was going to offer you a beer...

Apr 24, 2013#82

Squidleybits

Chad Sexington said:
You either need a bigger fridge, or a wiser wife*.

*With apologies to Squidleybits

He was the one moving stuff around in the fridge...I like to keep large amounts of cold beer and diet coke around.

Apr 24, 2013#83

sixpackshaker

Squidleybits said:
He was the one moving stuff around in the fridge...I like to keep large amounts of cold beer and diet coke around.

...after my own heart. Just have some cheap whiskey on hand for the coke and I'm there.

Apr 24, 2013#84

HCGLNS

sixpackshaker said:
cheap whiskey

That term does not exist in my life.

Apr 24, 2013#85

sixpackshaker

HCGLNS said:
That term does not exist in my life.

Is it all expensive to you?

Apr 24, 2013#86

Chad Sexington

"Sweet fucknuggety Christ!"

Apr 25, 2013#87

Officer_Charon

"Don't put cheese in the birdhouse!"

Apr 25, 2013#88

Cheesy1

Aaaaawe!

Apr 25, 2013#89

sixpackshaker

Was that your fried shrimp inside the computer?

Apr 26, 2013#90

dill616

"God damn it. If you hit me from behind...NO! Eat my brownies, you fuck muffins!"[DOUBLEPOST=1366995205][/DOUBLEPOST]"I was hungry, but then I saw a grown woman poop on the bathroom floor."

May 1, 2013#91

North_Ranger

"We need more ponies."

May 1, 2013#92

Gared

"Oooh! I bet radio reference is a lot more interesting right now than the Mariner's game!"

May 3, 2013#93

Emrys

"I think it's great that I can put my kids in a cage at night."

May 3, 2013#94

CrimsonSoul

Emrys said:
"I think it's great that I can put my kids in a cage at night."

TIL: EMRYS IS BACK!

May 15, 2013#95

Gared

Damn it! How much does a teaspoon of dumpling dough weigh? What cookbook was that in again?

May 15, 2013#96

CrimsonSoul

CrimsonSoul said:
TIL: EMRYS IS BACK!

I just realized I didn't post this in the til thread...

May 15, 2013#97

Shawn

"Please don't watch daddy while he pees."

May 19, 2013#98

HCGLNS

"Oooh, can't take that beer. That's a load bearing beer."

May 19, 2013#99

strawman

"Where is the baby going with a stick of butter?"

"Oh, he's probably going off to eat it."

"... NO BUTTER FOR YOU!" *yoink*

May 19, 2013#100

strawman

While changing the two year old's diaper:

"How much sand did you eat?! You know, sand has _no_ nutritional value."

May 19, 2013#101

Cheesy1

"Dude, you grabbed my ass AGAIN!!"

May 23, 2013#102

Bubble181

stienman said:
While changing the two year old's diaper:

"How much sand did you eat?! You know, sand has _no_ nutritional value."

Great for scraping out the colon and stomach though

May 23, 2013#103

DarkAudit

"I'm vacationing in Detroit this year."

May 24, 2013#104

Chad Sexington

"Are you sure I shouldn't hire an escort?"

May 24, 2013#105

Dave

"Our crowd is going to be half filled with wannabe hip hop artists. Whee."

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