[Rant] Minor Rant III: For a Few Hollers More

Krisken

Krisken

Definitely would be for the best. All that resentment is building up and escalating from what I've seen of your posts Shawnacy. A third party mediator would help greatly in making sure you both feel your concerns are being heard and are being addressed. That just isn't happening right now.

I know it's easy for me to give advice when I'm not the one in the situation. It just seems like neither of you are happy and things have gone past the point where the two of you alone won't be able to bring it back to a place where you can take the other at face value. I hope you two can find a place where you both can find happiness together.
 
Chad Sexington

Chad Sexington

Welcome to the All Stress All The Time Why Won't The Holidays Get Here Sooner MENTAL BREAKDOWN

Will I make it to the 23rd without flipping the fuck out?

Stay tuned!
 
Gilgamesh

Gilgamesh

stienman said:
No, they've had therapy before, they just need to start it up again.
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Props to Shawn then, because if I'd battled this before with professional help and it's back again I don't think I'd have done a second round. How many times do you have to go before it becomes a situation that won't work?
 
Fun Size

Fun Size

Gilgamesh said:
Props to Shawn then, because if I'd battled this before with professional help and it's back again I don't think I'd have done a second round. How many times do you have to go before it becomes a situation that won't work?
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Maybe it's because I'm getting old, but I don't think things work this way. My experience is that a long term relationship works in waves: sometimes things are good, sometimes things are rough. During the rough times, it seems like a lot of people just split or commit to being unhappy and making their partner unhappy with them. The relationships that work are the ones being actively worked on. The fact that they've gone before indicates a level of commitment that suggests they could go again and get back on track, so long as they were both committed to it.
 
Gilgamesh

Gilgamesh

Fun Size said:
Maybe it's because I'm getting old, but I don't think things work this way. My experience is that a long term relationship works in waves: sometimes things are good, sometimes things are rough. During the rough times, it seems like a lot of people just split or commit to being unhappy and making their partner unhappy with them. The relationships that work are the ones being actively worked on. The fact that they've gone before indicates a level of commitment that suggests they could go again and get back on track, so long as they were both committed to it.
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I've been married for 11yrs, and like you, I'm speaking from experience. I created a very long post in Shawn's last thread about his choices vs the choices I made. I also accurately called the very situations he's been going through almost a year ago to the tee.

I feel there's a bit of a difference between actively working on your relationship and having to go to therapy every couple of years.
 
Chad Sexington

Chad Sexington

Shawnacy said:
My wife wants me sleeping out on the couch tonight. We got into a fight because I missed an opportunity to go enjoy a manager/supervisor outing with my coworkers (which we'd been planning for a week) because she decided it wasn't priority and planned a bunch of other things around it that would keep me from making it.
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I've seen people say that your wife is insecure -which may be true- but I think that's not the biggest problem.

Your wife refuses to see things from any point of view other than her own, which is always, always that her life is bad, she has no friends, no one likes her, etc. And never does she have an active role in her situation; all bad things happen to her, passively. Your event happened to conflict with her plans; it isn't that she planned things that conflicted with your event -therefore, the conflict, and resulting fight is your fault.

She does not see -does not want to see- it the other way: you made a plan to go on a social outing, she interrupted it. You've said she has no friends of her own, so she's behaving like someone who believes that if she has no friends, she's going to damn well make sure no one else does either! Because her small or nonexistant social circle isn't something that's her fault, of course; she would have to say something like "I should try to meet people," but what she'll say is, "People don't like me." and forever remain angry at people who have more or better friendships/relationships.

Maybe she's a narcissist, maybe she has borderline personality disorder, maybe she is just rude, but the thing is I doubt you'll be married this time next year.
 
Chad Sexington

Chad Sexington

Tress said:
This is why I stay single.

*sobs into a tub of ice cream*
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Useless commentary about plenty of fish in the sea goes here.

But, seriously, I sympathise. I was single for a long time and am just getting into a relationship after 3 years. I certainly learned to be comfortable being single, but maaan it is hard sometimes.
 
Shawn

Shawn

Gilgamesh said:
Props to Shawn then, because if I'd battled this before with professional help and it's back again I don't think I'd have done a second round. How many times do you have to go before it becomes a situation that won't work?
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I put up with it for the kids.
 
WasabiPoptart

WasabiPoptart

Shawnacy said:
I put up with it for the kids.
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Honestly, staying in an unhappy marriage"for the kids" may be doing the kids more harm than good. I have to agree about counseling and actively working on your marriage to see if you can come to some sort of resolution. From what you're saying, it sounds like she needs control of your life because she feels she has no control in her own. Who is to stop her from manipulating your children in this same way? I think you and the kids deserve more than that.
 
Fun Size

Fun Size

I do concur with that sentiment for sure. Anything you're going through, the kids are going through too. If you can get to counselling and see improvement, great. If not...well, the others here have covered it.
 
WasabiPoptart

WasabiPoptart

I found some good information on it in this book, The Truth About Children and Divorce by Robert Emery, PhD, while doing a paper about children's development and how they are affected by divorce. This article isn't exactly the best, but it gets the point across as to why divorce/separation may not be bad for the kids in the long-term.
 
Gilgamesh

Gilgamesh

It's already been said that they've been in marriage counseling before @stienman @MindDetective. This would be a second time around. My point was never that counseling wasn't an option but how many times do you go to counseling for the same reason?

As for staying in the marriage for the kids? I physically shudder at the thought of what my kids would have ended up like had I stayed with my first wife. Just pure horror in that thought.
 
Krisken

Krisken

Right, but we have to be careful not to allow our own experiences to color our view of Shawnacy and his wife and the possible outcome. Remember, we've only heard the negative from one side. All relationships are much larger and more involved than the little bit Shawnacy has shared with us. There could be other things which are driving the frustration or disdain which we don't know about.

In essence, a neutral third party which will be able to hear them both and find a solution or compromise might be best for them and their kids. Heck, that first year can be very confusing, especially if they haven't lived with someone else before or haven't established a set of rules for their own interactions. Maybe they are both used to having more freedom to do what they want and both feel like the other isn't contributing. Maybe there is guilt over wage contributions or household chores. We just don't know these things, and really it's not up to us to judge either of them. Yes, even his wife who isn't here to give her side.

When these things build up, even little things can become overwhelming and feel unsolvable. Finding the source of the problem is where a neutral observer can help them.
 
Sparhawk

Sparhawk

How hard is it to understand that when I say "Yes, we'll take that coupon, even if it is "expired."" Doesn't matter that it's two years old, doesn't matter that it has a great big date on the front of it from last month, we'll take the coupon. You don't need to point out to me, "But it says that it expired on 11-23-12." I've already told your, and will tell you again, we'll honor that damned coupon.
 
Gilgamesh

Gilgamesh

@stienman - I suppose I'm just not on the same page as others. If I had to go to therapy multiple times, over the course of a few years, for the exact same problem. I would be done. (I am also NOT saying that is Shawn's case)

That's just my personal opinion and holds no weight over anyonelses relationship.
 
Gilgamesh

Gilgamesh

stienman said:
I figured that might be the case, and I certainly understand it. Relationship fatigue sets in when you've got to put in more energy to the relationship to keep it going than it's worth for you.

Some people have a higher tolerance for this sort of thing (bless their hearts!*) and others don't.

*Said only half tongue in cheek.
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You don't understand actually. I have no trouble putting in energy to a relationship, I've mentioned the issues I've had in my marriage in the past. My point isn't fatigue, my point is when one party refuses to fix a detrimental problem even after exhausting all options multiple times. There is a very clear difference.

@Shawnacy - That's very good to hear, like I advised in the previous thread, things CAN definitely get better. My wife was very much in the same mindset as yours and we grew into the relationship we have now through alot of hard work and sacrifice. I know you can do it as long as both of you are trying your best.
 
WasabiPoptart

WasabiPoptart

Plus if counseling was helping before it was ended why wouldn't you go back for a second, third, fourth round if it meant saving your marriage? Just because therapy didn't work for a permanent fix doesn't mean it shouldn't be attempted again. Some issues need more attention or constant work. Some times behavior patterns you've had for a long while are easy to fall back into.

If you look at it like quitting smoking (which is behavior modification) it makes more sense, imo. You quit, you haven't had a cigarette in months, then you're back at it after some stressful event in your life. Next thing you know you're smoking a pack a day again. Do you try to quit again or do you keep smoking even if you know how bad it is for you and the people around you? How many times do you "quit" before you are successful? It can take many tries using different methods.
 
PatrThom

PatrThom

WasabiPoptart said:
Plus if counseling was helping before it was ended why wouldn't you go back for a second, third, fourth round if it meant saving your marriage? Just because therapy didn't work for a permanent fix doesn't mean it shouldn't be attempted again. Some issues need more attention or constant work. Some times behavior patterns you've had for a long while are easy to fall back into.

If you look at it like quitting smoking (which is behavior modification) it makes more sense, imo. You quit, you haven't had a cigarette in months, then you're back at it after some stressful event in your life. Next thing you know you're smoking a pack a day again. Do you try to quit again or do you keep smoking even if you know how bad it is for you and the people around you? How many times do you "quit" before you are successful? It can take many tries using different methods.
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I saw it more as similar to antibiotics. You don't stop taking them when you start feeling better, you stop taking them when they're all gone. Stopping early means the condition will probably return, and often is harder to treat as a result.

--Patrick
 
Gared

Gared

Tomorrow morning didn't look like such a terrible morning to be late for work, so I decided that I was going to go in late so I could finally replace that tire that went flat on me a week and a half ago. Things have kind of snowballed out of my control at work though (mostly because my co-worker/manager is a complete and total fuck-up who gets completely overwhelmed by even the tiniest deviation from what he planned on doing throughout the day, in a company where chaos is the norm), so now I'm going to be working from my cell phone at the tire place in the morning and quite possibly dropping in on one of our suppliers on my way to work to see if I can't iron out an issue with some of our product not being delivered.
 
Dei

Dei

I started feeling quesy last night and now I don't know if eating breakfast is going to make that feel better or worse. Yay for my tiny area of Colorado being a string of illness right now.
 
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