As John Green said yesterday, despair is a lie.
Rant VIII: The Reckoning
- Thread starter Anonymous
- Start date
-
- Tags
- boat people
Shit. That hit harder than I thought it would.
I'm doing better than usual depression-wise at the moment, but that internal monologue around creating things that Green describes could very well be my own on a daily basis.
I know that depression lies, that my brain can be a piece of shit that's trying to kill me, and it's really really hard to get out of that.
I don't have the perfect answer. But I do know that fighting back against despair is worth it. That hope is worth it. That love, in whatever form that may take, is worth it. I also know that you don't have to "add value" to be of value. People have value. Just by being.
Anyways, that enough of an essay to write on my phone.
It's not just words but the tone of voice that he is barely holding it together that really conveys how he is doing. He is in pain. And I hope you and Nick and John Green and anyone else struggling find some relief. Stay strong and don't believe the despair.
Being online 99% less has helped my mental health considerably and I feel like it would be the same for others.
My next step is taking a page out of your book @ThatNickGuy and I am purchasing a good road bike.
My next step is taking a page out of your book @ThatNickGuy and I am purchasing a good road bike.
Honestly, the only thing getting me out of bed these days is work and exercising. I've still been biking to work every day. Doing DDP Yoga every day. And I've started walking on a trail near my house that I regret not partaking in sooner.
I'm still severely depressed, and I've...googled suicide methods, but not with any strong inclination or plan...but I'm kind of surprised by myself that despite being so depressed and hopeless, I've been able to keep up on the new healthier lifestyle (and down to 226 pounds so far, as of today; almost 25 pounds down so far).
So, this is kind of continued on from the whine thread but now that I'm on three hours of bawling by myself and have come out of it I know I just had a PTSD episode, fun part of my old profession that will never leave me. Feelings of intense worthlessness and depression and then just a spiral of self-loathing and dysmorphia not believing that anyone actually likes me, likes who I am, what I look like, etc and anyone telling me otherwise instantly registers in my head as a the filthiest of liars. One day I'll post some of the stuff in the secret ass forums about the really dark shit of my last years there that I think got me to this point.
Fun times. It's super cool how some really simple things can trigger a mood death spiral until I am literally wishing to die and thinking about how easy a round in the noggin would be to cut off the pain.
I never realize what's happening until it's coming to end either, it so effectively blinds me. It's hard to do grounding exercises when you're so overwhelmed with despair.
Fun times. It's super cool how some really simple things can trigger a mood death spiral until I am literally wishing to die and thinking about how easy a round in the noggin would be to cut off the pain.
I never realize what's happening until it's coming to end either, it so effectively blinds me. It's hard to do grounding exercises when you're so overwhelmed with despair.
I'm in the middle of re-reading the comic DEADLY CLASS, by Rick Remender and Wes Craig. I just read a quote that hit me hard:
"Happiness registers to me as a disappointment under construction."
And that...that's how I always feel when something goes rarely right in my life.
New love interest? I assume I'll screw it up (like I did my most recent relationship).
Success at job? I just assume I'm one screw up away from being fired.
Weight loss? I just assume that at some point, I'll fall off the wagon and gain it back.
I'm never really happy because everything in my life inevitably leads to failure.
"Happiness registers to me as a disappointment under construction."
And that...that's how I always feel when something goes rarely right in my life.
New love interest? I assume I'll screw it up (like I did my most recent relationship).
Success at job? I just assume I'm one screw up away from being fired.
Weight loss? I just assume that at some point, I'll fall off the wagon and gain it back.
I'm never really happy because everything in my life inevitably leads to failure.
It's ok to feel however you're feeling about it. Even if you're not sure what you're feeling.
I agree with @Ravenpoe . However you are feeling is valid.
I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this.
Dave
Staff member
Oh fuck, man. So sorry. Even if you are estranged it’s still your dad.
Yup. I was talking to the coroner and I broke down and just started bawling. I'm sure some folks here know, but they really don't prepare you for how much work is involved in a parent's death, especially if you're the oldest. I was on the phone for 10 hours today with so many people about so much. Trying to work out how to get his funeral covered up front because big shock, no one has 5 grand for a cremation out of pocket. My mom has been a great help, my middle brother raced up there, probably to cherry pick the shit he wants because that's how he rolls and my other brother started drinking and not answering his phone. My job I guess. I am so grateful for being diagnosed and medicated/therapied hardcore recently. It's been tough but manageable. My S/O being incredible has helped.
They're going to come with me to deal with stuff up north and I don't know if I could without that support.
They're going to come with me to deal with stuff up north and I don't know if I could without that support.
It's complicated and broke. And Vero isn't covered by it.
Man I’m sorry. My wife’s grandmother didn’t leave one and even with all 3 of her kids being in 100% agreement of who got what from the estate it was still a mess of a process.
His financials are a fucking nightmare too. He had like 8 credit cards and 4 bank accounts.
Every bank champing at the bit for information from me about the other accounts, all hoping to get their hands on it. Too bad dipshits, they're all empty and the cards are maxed. It's looking like the whole thing may end up a fucking wash so I might just go I don't give a shit and walk away from it. Might just loot any heirlooms and never look back. Fucker at CIBC wouldn't give me any of his credit card info. MOTHER FUCKER, YOU WANT ME TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT YOU CAN'T JUST SAY TRUST ME BRO.
Fuck banks, fuck credit cards, fuck credit scores, fuck boomers, fuck the north in general.
Every bank champing at the bit for information from me about the other accounts, all hoping to get their hands on it. Too bad dipshits, they're all empty and the cards are maxed. It's looking like the whole thing may end up a fucking wash so I might just go I don't give a shit and walk away from it. Might just loot any heirlooms and never look back. Fucker at CIBC wouldn't give me any of his credit card info. MOTHER FUCKER, YOU WANT ME TO DEAL WITH THIS SHIT YOU CAN'T JUST SAY TRUST ME BRO.
Fuck banks, fuck credit cards, fuck credit scores, fuck boomers, fuck the north in general.
Last edited:
Sometimes you just have to hate landlords.. My wife's grandmother and (disabled) uncle lost the place they were renting back in March because their landlord did things for tenants to 'pay' for rent that you can't legally do (eww). Thus, he had to sell every one of his properties, so they moved in with us (my landlord said that it not a problem, just pay more $ for more people per my lease - I like my landlord).
They've been trying to get on their own again, but have now had two landlords say "yep, this is theirs" then either disappear or (as of yesterday) decide they're no longer going to be landlords - they were supposed to be signing a lease and moving in this weekend but now the person said they're just going to sell everything and no longer be landlords.
So, they're back to complete square one yet again after stopping looking because they 'had' a place. Another potential landlord took their application and then ghosted them - follow-up calls say 'this person will call you back' with no call back.
This is so frustrating for both them and us - they're both on fixed income, so lots of places they can't qualify to go to and many retirement/assisted living places requires a listing of all of their valuables and there's been provisions that if anything happens and nobody collects their stuff, the home gets the valuables...
They've been trying to get on their own again, but have now had two landlords say "yep, this is theirs" then either disappear or (as of yesterday) decide they're no longer going to be landlords - they were supposed to be signing a lease and moving in this weekend but now the person said they're just going to sell everything and no longer be landlords.
So, they're back to complete square one yet again after stopping looking because they 'had' a place. Another potential landlord took their application and then ghosted them - follow-up calls say 'this person will call you back' with no call back.
This is so frustrating for both them and us - they're both on fixed income, so lots of places they can't qualify to go to and many retirement/assisted living places requires a listing of all of their valuables and there's been provisions that if anything happens and nobody collects their stuff, the home gets the valuables...
My dad got diagnosed with non small cell lung cancer. Who knows how long he has had it. He had been hiding symptoms (coughing blood etc) from my mom for a few months at least.
He hates being out under anesthesia so he has been dragging his feet for a biopsy.
His younger sister died from the same thing about 6 years ago.
He was a smoker from his teens to his late 40s so this isn't completely shocking. But it's still a kick in the gut.
He hates being out under anesthesia so he has been dragging his feet for a biopsy.
His younger sister died from the same thing about 6 years ago.
He was a smoker from his teens to his late 40s so this isn't completely shocking. But it's still a kick in the gut.
I might have to put my car and my dog down in the same week.
I really want to rant about an issue that's been strongly affecting my family over the last two years or so, but I can't because 1) I'm pretty sure many of the parties involved wouldn't want me to post about it in detail on a public forum, and 2) it possibly involves very inappropriate behavior with someone very underaged, and I don't want to have descriptions of that shit stored on Dave's servers. But it's been very stressful and very upsetting.
My dog has cancer. He is old, we did the name that dog post nearly 13 years ago here. The vet I saw today was in my same opinion to just let him live out his life until he loses his quality of life. He can still do most things, he just can't jump up into a car any more. Also, he can not be left in the heat.
My car, will likely have to be sold for scrap. The repairs are more than the value of the car.
I feel your pain on both, just replaced my 02 honda accord with a 25 honda crv hybrid for the same reason.
I had a girlfriend back when I lived in the UK, as a teenager, around the turn of the millennium. We were only together a few months when we were 17/18, until it became blatantly obvious to both of us that we were completely incompatible in so many ways, and we broke up fairly amicably. We then went off to separate universities and sort of lost contact aside from a few half-hearted emails every now and then going, "So how's your life been lately?"
Then in 2007 or so I started using the Book of Faces, and I found she was on it too, so I friended her and we sent each other a few half-hearted messages and wall posts going, "So how's your life been lately?" Shortly after I joined FB (like literally a day or two) she changed her relationship status to "engaged", revealing that she proposed to her boyfriend at the time on a whim and he'd said yes. They got married a year or two after that. From all indications I could see, they were very compatible and looked happy together.
In the intervening years, her FB updates have always been sporadic and rather non-personal. She'd post a few times a year about stuff like her Etsy shop, or a funny meme, or a particular cause she believed in, but basically no updates about her actual life or how things are going with her husband. No big deal, of course, not everyone likes to share stuff on social media, so I didn't think much of it.
And then today she posted that she's been subject to domestic abuse by her husband for many years.
I swear the whiplash almost took my head off. I want to help her but I have no idea how. We're on different continents so it's not like I can provide assistance in person. Nor do I have any knowledge or experience when it comes to helping DA victims. Simply posting platitudes on her FB like "sending my best wishes" or "hope things get better" would almost certainly be useless. I wish there was something I could do.
Then in 2007 or so I started using the Book of Faces, and I found she was on it too, so I friended her and we sent each other a few half-hearted messages and wall posts going, "So how's your life been lately?" Shortly after I joined FB (like literally a day or two) she changed her relationship status to "engaged", revealing that she proposed to her boyfriend at the time on a whim and he'd said yes. They got married a year or two after that. From all indications I could see, they were very compatible and looked happy together.
In the intervening years, her FB updates have always been sporadic and rather non-personal. She'd post a few times a year about stuff like her Etsy shop, or a funny meme, or a particular cause she believed in, but basically no updates about her actual life or how things are going with her husband. No big deal, of course, not everyone likes to share stuff on social media, so I didn't think much of it.
And then today she posted that she's been subject to domestic abuse by her husband for many years.
I swear the whiplash almost took my head off. I want to help her but I have no idea how. We're on different continents so it's not like I can provide assistance in person. Nor do I have any knowledge or experience when it comes to helping DA victims. Simply posting platitudes on her FB like "sending my best wishes" or "hope things get better" would almost certainly be useless. I wish there was something I could do.
Last edited:
You aren’t in a local position to physically help, so posting on her Facebook is actually a thing you can do. As guys we want to do something, a physical something, to actually help or “fix” the problem, but honestly you cannot fly halfway around the world to do that. Studies have shown that the messages of support are actually helpful, an emotional boost, from people that the person in distress knows cannot be there physically for them.
JFC I am so fucking sick of FaceBooks algorithm!!!!!111!!!
they keep shoving shitty AI or badly photo shopped images at me even when I block the all. Especially heinous at the Jesus Christ ones. FUCK I get so mad at that shit. I just want to see what my friends and family are up to... Not that horseshit.
they keep shoving shitty AI or badly photo shopped images at me even when I block the all. Especially heinous at the Jesus Christ ones. FUCK I get so mad at that shit. I just want to see what my friends and family are up to... Not that horseshit.