Proposing? That's nothing! Time Ask Permission From Her Fathers!

[Lucky in love]

I made a thread last December about proposing and I really appreciated the advice I got: I have pretty much listened to all of it. We've been living together for 5 months and we just renewed our lease for 2 years. We've discovered the little things that bug each other, but nothing big. Our relationship is actually stronger because we each make the other person stronger.

So shit is good.

I've saved up, picked out a ring, a time and a place. Now comes the hard part: Asking her Fathers for permission. Yes that is plural. She has a step-dad and the other kind of dad who are both big parts of her life (and now mine). I could probably be able to ask one of them on my own, but I am starting to get intimidated by having to ask twice.

So any advice on how would be welcome: I am assuming that over the phone isn't cool, but should I just drop by their houses real quick? Take them out to dinner? Pull them aside at a family function?

Thanks in advance.

 

[Dave]

Ask them both out for beers/dinner/whatever. Both will know what is going on and they SHOULD appreciate that you are including them both.

Your only problem is if one of them says no.

 

[sixpackshaker]

elope.

 

[Chibibar]

The only advice I can give (from an Asian thing) is that, follow Dave's advice on getting BOTH father. You don't want to step on one's toe by asking the other "first"

 

[Lucky in Love]

Problem is that the two fathers don't like each other as the divorce between my GF's parents was a bit messy and there is still hostility after 14 years.

So I have to do this on a one by one basis.

 

[Chibibar]

Problem is that the two fathers don't like each other as the divorce between my GF's parents was a bit messy and there is still hostility after 14 years.

So I have to do this on a one by one basis.

Oh Boy, then probably have to choose one carefully over the other. I think the "safe" way would be current then biological (immediate family) but if I remember correctly the Asian way would be biological first then step father (technically you don't need his permission but out of curtesy you would need to)

The reason I said current father cause you probably deal with him more + mother, than the other father (imo) you know more than I do.

 

[Jay]

It should be a face to face confrontation.

Start with the one who you think is going to give you possibly the harder time. Why? Because you'll be primed more to do it and will the process to do it all over again even easier with the softer target. First ask yourself a few questions on how they'd feel about your relationship.

Is now a good time for you two to get married?
Are there any reasons you shouldn't?
Would they want their daughter marrying you?

Choose the right place. What does he like to do? Watch a game of baseball? Hockey? Football? Etc... Pick a spot not too noisy but a cool place where you're able to talk.

Don't show up looking like a bum. Clean yourself. Shave. Comb that mess of a hair. Wear comfortable but nice clothes. Look good but not GQ.

Start politely, unless you hung out with them before, they'll KNOW why they are there. Trust me when I say this, how you show up and present yourself is important. Treat them with respect... genuinely and discuss the issue early in the evening. Nothing is worse than dragging this before the first half hour.

At some point tell him about how you feel about the woman and take it from there. Speak from the heart and speak highly of her and why she is the one you want to make such an important decision with.

Explain how much you love their daughter, how she has changed your life.

"I would like your blessing to marry her. BLAH BLAH BLAH"

"I know this is a big step and I'm not expecting an answer right this minute. If you'd like some time to think about it, I understand."

If they WOULD like a few days to discuss it, be polite and when you're ready to leave say, "Let me know what you decide. I'd like to ask her soon."

Follow up with a call in a few days.

Go home and bang their daughter for good measure.

 

[Charlie Don't Surf]

Asking a girl's father for permission is the most stupid ass-backwards thing. It makes me uncomfortable to even think about.

 

[Jay]

That's because you don't like girls and thus by default, your opinion is invalid.

Furthermore, you will probably die alone.

Spoiler

 

[makare]

It is pretty old school, but whatever floats your boat.

If the guy I was dating asked my parents for permission to ask me I'd probably be pretty weirded out.

 

[Jay]

Why? Why would it be weird?

 

[makare]

Because the only person whose permission and opinion matters in that situation is me. I am an adult woman. It makes no sense to ask for my parent's blessing before I get married. Also if I decided to say no I probably would be pretty pissed off that my parents even knew the guy asked. It's really none of their business.

 

[Jay]

I guess it's all a question about how a daughter values her parents and what their relationship is with them. Some people are old school and want to involve their loved one's family and while it generally can be a useless practice these days it can sure mean a lot if done right. I've done it and it meant a LOT to my woman's parents. When she found out she was shocked and taken aback for after a few minutes found a lot of appreciation that I cherished and valued her family enough to do such an act.

It shouldn't be treated as an obligation but far more as a sign of respect.

Now, others will feel different, that's for sure. Many who haven't and probably won't ever experience this situation.

But this thread isn't about how some posters feel about the practice or how backwards they feel about it, it's about giving advice to a member of this board who requires it at a time of need.

To the OP, good luck.

 

[makare]

Unfortunately the guy can't ask the girl how she feels about it beforehand so she is left to just react to it.

 

[Jay]

Much like a woman's pregnancy.

 

[makare]

Only if they went shopping for the ring together.

 

[Dave]

I still say to get them both together. They will both be at the wedding and damned well better be able to get along. I assume they are adults and should act like it.

When you ask them out, let each of them know the other will be there. Say, "I know you don't get along, but I feel it's important you both be a part of this. I don't want to exclude either of you." If they choose not to go it's their own damned fault.

As to asking the father, it's a show of respect to the family. I applaud Lucky and hope him the very best.

 

[Officer_Charon]

It shouldn't be treated as an obligation but far more as a sign of respect.

So very much this... it's a sign of respect for the family, so much as it is an old-school obligation or necessity. Basically the statement is "I'm going to marry your daughter, but I'd like to get a feel for how bad/good this is going to make you all feel."

It's classy, it shows that you're serious about the relationship with the lady in question, and that you care enough about her relationship with her family to try and include them in the process.

Of course, as previously stated, it comes down to how well she gets on with her family in the first place. If my wife had had a father (or mother) around to ask, I would have done the same thing. Her mother, however, being an epic piece of crap, would not have received such respect, even if she HAD been available to contact. Such are my wife's feelings towards her family.

 

[makare]

I don't know. I love my family. We are very close and spend alot of our time together. I still don't think that particular thing is any of their business.

 

[Dave]

I don't know. I love my family. We are very close and spend alot of our time together. I still don't think that particular thing is any of their business.

I don't know how people can think this. Unless they are estranged you are becoming a part of their family as well. Every holiday, birthday, funeral or gathering they will be there as well. Getting along with the families is of paramount importance. Starting off by showing them you understand this and respect them is a great thing.

 

[makare]

Then throw a we got engaged party and invite them. Making them a part of the actual decision is kind of extreme. It should just be up to the two people marrying.

 

[Espy]

Asking a girl's father for permission is the most stupid ass-backwards thing. It makes me uncomfortable to even think about.

I can't think of anything more typical "ugly and obnoxious American stereotype" than someone who thinks their culture and the way they do things is the only good and right way to do things.

 

[Charlie Don't Surf]

The idea that men/fathers are somehow in control of a woman's/daughter's love and sexuality is incredibly damaging.

Also, I've always wondered. What happens if they say "no"? Do you break up with the girl?

 

[blotsfan]

No you can still marry her. It just means you shouldn't expect her parents to help with the wedding. You're reading way too much into this. Its just something people do to be polite. It might not be the most rational or logical thing, but its a custom. Although I always thought you're supposed to ask both parents.

 

[Hailey Knight]

I love the "no" scenario.

"I'd like your blessing."
"No."
"Hah, I was just being polite, I'm gonna marry her anyway and fuck her every night. It's the 21st century and it's the woman's choice. You should've just said yes, because now you look dumb as fuck. HAH!"

Later...

"Will you marry me?"
"Let me call daddy and get permission."
"FFFFF--"

 

[makare]

I think the guy needs to run run like hell.

Also I love the Quotemander...

 

[makare]

What I don't get about that is do you think your mother's mother would have liked your father had he asked for permission? Was the lack of asking what created the rift between them?

Or would they just not have gotten married because she would have said a loud and resounding "hell no!" possibly followed by a reference to her dead body?

 

[Espy]

The idea that men/fathers are somehow in control of a woman's/daughter's love and sexuality is incredibly damaging.

Also, I've always wondered. What happens if they say "no"? Do you break up with the girl?

Alright man. I can see you are a "my way of thinking is absolute for all" kinda guy so I guess there's no real discussion to be had here. Good luck with that.

 

[Hailey Knight]

I wouldn't have married my wife if I didn't like her family.

That's ridiculous. I get that a bad family is nothing to enjoy, but if you love her and she loves you, the family shouldn't make you say "we're done". It's easier if the family is easy, but you might as well take your dates as sit-ins with the possible future in-laws rather than bother with the significant other if you're gonna see it that way.

 

[sixpackshaker]

The idea that men/fathers are somehow in control of a woman's/daughter's love and sexuality is incredibly damaging.

Also, I've always wondered. What happens if they say "no"? Do you break up with the girl?

Until the girl is of the age of majority, the her sexual activity does belong to the family. That is why there are statutory rape laws on the books, because it is not supposed to be her decision until she it the agreed upon age for that culture.

If you are not in position to handle every single bill that comes your way, you better be in good with the family. I know too many people that have to rely on the parents from time to time just to keep above water.

Asking permission should be a rubber-stamp from the parents. It is also a good idea to have an adult's perspective on that decision too.

 

[Charlie Don't Surf]

Until the girl is of the age of majority, the her sexual activity does belong to the family. That is why there are statutory rape laws on the books, because it is not supposed to be her decision until she it the agreed upon age for that culture.

This is incredibly fucking wrong. 16 year olds can fuck anyone under 18 they want. You're also wrong about why statutory rape laws exist.

 

[Cajungal]

I think that, in this case, the phrase "asking permission" is just a figure of speech. It's derived from that literal act, but today, it's more like what someone in here said about getting a feel for their reaction and how much help you can expect. It used to get under my skin until I took the time to really think about what it means today (or seems to mean) to most people. I don't expect the fella to ever do this; I've expressed to him that I don't really see the point, but I don't think I'd be insulted if he did. I would worry, however, because I can see his mom totally pouting if he neglected to tell his parents as well as mine before asking me.

Anyway, good luck. I hope that you can find a way to make it work.

 

[Shegokigo]

It's just damn hilarious how Charlie is now so off his rocker and a caricature of himself.

I used to consider him a somewhat decent person to listen to on views on Gay Rights and Oscar Bait movies but now? It's like he's parodying every hipster I've ever met to a scarily degree of accuracy.

 

[makare]

This is incredibly fucking wrong. 16 year olds can fuck anyone under 18 they want. You're also wrong about why statutory rape laws exist.

Well I hate to say it but he is right. Statutory rape laws have pretty much nothing to do with the minor, beyond their minor status. They are just designed to punish predatory adults.
Added at: 06:42

You dont understand. Im not saying everyone should do it. I am saying that if my wifes family wasnt a big part of her life she wouldnt be the type of person i want to have a family with. Likewise if she wasnt a good fit into my family i wouldnt want her a part of my family.

I never said it was an easy family, we have all had plenty of fights over the years.

That's sad. What if her family sucked and she was awesome? Maybe she was trying to find someone to make a really great family with?

what exactly do you mean by "type of person"?

 

[Hailey Knight]

If you are not in position to handle every single bill that comes your way, you better be in good with the family. I know too many people that have to rely on the parents from time to time just to keep above water.

Maybe if two people aren't ready to be adults, i.e. living out of parents' home (either set of parents), paying their own bills, working, etc, they shouldn't be getting married.

I think it's hilarious that the sexuality angle even came up. Everyone acts like people getting married are two teenagers just out of high school. That's becoming more and more rare. If people are hooking up at that age and sticking together, it's likely they experienced their sexuality before any marriage, and probably are making a third member of their family without meaning to. I see that far more often these days than two high school sweethearts getting hitched the day after graduation.