Rant VIII: The Reckoning
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Have to attend a funeral today.
In itself, not that unusual (especially lately), but this is the first time I've had to attend the funeral of someone I (officially) used to date.
Am I all broken up about it? I can't really say yes. It's been a long time since we dated, we didn't date for very long, and turns out the main reason I haven't heard anything for the last few years is because they were purposely downplaying the progression of a degenerative condition (or two!) and (presumably) didn't want to be a downer/burden/whatever. But now I am going to go on a 3hr drive to meet up with a bunch of people who all spent more time together than I did, some of whom were able to visit in-person only last month, and I'm not sure how that is going to go.
--Patrick
In itself, not that unusual (especially lately), but this is the first time I've had to attend the funeral of someone I (officially) used to date.
Am I all broken up about it? I can't really say yes. It's been a long time since we dated, we didn't date for very long, and turns out the main reason I haven't heard anything for the last few years is because they were purposely downplaying the progression of a degenerative condition (or two!) and (presumably) didn't want to be a downer/burden/whatever. But now I am going to go on a 3hr drive to meet up with a bunch of people who all spent more time together than I did, some of whom were able to visit in-person only last month, and I'm not sure how that is going to go.
--Patrick
It sounds like you don't want to go, and don't have a very strong connection to the people that will be there? In which case I would ask, why go?
It's true that I didn't want to go, but that's really just due to the distance. Any awkwardness was more due to the fact that this was obviously being kept from me for some reason. But I went, was welcomed, and got to refresh acquaintances that were sore from lack of use, and I got to support people who needed it, and reminisce on better times. And I got to fill in many of those gaps I mentioned. Learned a lot. For instance, I didn't know they'd won two daytime Emmys. There's still a lot more I've missed. Made some plans to catch up the rest in future get-togethers. Oh yes, there will be more.
--Patrick
@GasBandit removed the Russian crypto coin threads before I could follow the links to make a fortune. Jackass.
TW: Suicide discussion.
I just realized I'm coming up on my "anniversary." 25 years ago, on February 28, I had my first suicide attempt.
There have been several attempts since then, but for some reason, I "celebrate" it every year by watching What Dreams May Come.
It always felt silly to "celebrate" such a thing. I don't even know why I do it. I've had other suicide attempts before, but that one seemed like the "worst" or the closest I came to going through with it.
When I lived in Fredericton, where the attempt originally took place, I used to go to the bridge that I almost jumped off. I'd place two pennies down for each year since the attempt. A dumb "offering" to Charon of Greek mythology. That ritual feels almost sillier than just watching a movie.
I wish I could end this on a positive note, but I'm still not in a good place, mentally. I've been describing myself as "functionally depressed." I'm not really doing anything with my life, I'm lonely, and wake up every day a little disappointed I didn't die in my sleep.
I just realized I'm coming up on my "anniversary." 25 years ago, on February 28, I had my first suicide attempt.
There have been several attempts since then, but for some reason, I "celebrate" it every year by watching What Dreams May Come.
It always felt silly to "celebrate" such a thing. I don't even know why I do it. I've had other suicide attempts before, but that one seemed like the "worst" or the closest I came to going through with it.
When I lived in Fredericton, where the attempt originally took place, I used to go to the bridge that I almost jumped off. I'd place two pennies down for each year since the attempt. A dumb "offering" to Charon of Greek mythology. That ritual feels almost sillier than just watching a movie.
I wish I could end this on a positive note, but I'm still not in a good place, mentally. I've been describing myself as "functionally depressed." I'm not really doing anything with my life, I'm lonely, and wake up every day a little disappointed I didn't die in my sleep.
Of course you celebrate that. You lived through it. You are celebrating your life continuing. I, for one, am glad it did. You're one of the reasons I like coming here. I wish I could give you a hug right now, because it sounds like you really need one. So, I will do what my sister does, I will give you a Jedi Hug. We can't be together in person, so just imagine me giving you as big of a bear hug as I can, I promise I am doing the same. 
Sorry to hear this. Hope you and your family have peace and love during this rough time.
I'm really, truly sorry. Please, give extra love for your wife. I know you're all hurting right now, but there's a special pain when your own body doesn't do the one thing you want it to most. The thing you're told your body is "supposed" to do. It's unfair, but it's also not her fault. She may need to hear it.
These past few weeks have been tough.
My company decided to downsize the development staff, and offset it with contract workers. Fuck them. They essentially left our product completely fucked, and after 3 weeks we still don’t know a path forward. Even someone who was 100% a company man who had 20+ years in and had 1.5 years left to retirement was let go. And no one in the company cares other than the teams affected. I wasn’t cut, but feel like a ghost wandering the halls that no one wants to face.
A friend of the family recently passed away. She was a friend of my moms since she graduated high school. It was expected, but fuck cancer. She was closer to me than most of my blood relatives, but my company doesn’t include that in bereavement pay. Whatever, but even my wife’s company includes close family friends. Bundle that up in the rage ball that gets pushed down deep.
My mom’s family has a history of Alzheimer’s. Since her friends death it’s been hard for her to keep things straight, or even remember when one of us has talked to her. I hope it’s temporary and just stress induced. I don’t know how much more I can handle.
I guess I just hate life right now, and wanted to put it all out there. Or at least most of it. I won’t, but I kinda just want to give up. This world is shit.
My company decided to downsize the development staff, and offset it with contract workers. Fuck them. They essentially left our product completely fucked, and after 3 weeks we still don’t know a path forward. Even someone who was 100% a company man who had 20+ years in and had 1.5 years left to retirement was let go. And no one in the company cares other than the teams affected. I wasn’t cut, but feel like a ghost wandering the halls that no one wants to face.
A friend of the family recently passed away. She was a friend of my moms since she graduated high school. It was expected, but fuck cancer. She was closer to me than most of my blood relatives, but my company doesn’t include that in bereavement pay. Whatever, but even my wife’s company includes close family friends. Bundle that up in the rage ball that gets pushed down deep.
My mom’s family has a history of Alzheimer’s. Since her friends death it’s been hard for her to keep things straight, or even remember when one of us has talked to her. I hope it’s temporary and just stress induced. I don’t know how much more I can handle.
I guess I just hate life right now, and wanted to put it all out there. Or at least most of it. I won’t, but I kinda just want to give up. This world is shit.
Layoffs at work suck so bad. I have been laid off and survived layoffs at two jobs. It causes everyone to be on edge and feel like you could be next. It's a terrible feeling. Sorry that you are going through this.
As for your mom, stress / grief can definitely mess you up. Just to be sure, maybe she should get some blood work done. My dad got all fuzzy and forgetful and it was a medical issue.
Be well!
Yep they are. My wife has worked with many elderly over the years, and one of the first things she always asks when fielding a call about changed behavior (these people usually have some type of mental disability and cannot clearly communicate what they are experiencing on a normal day) is if they’ve tested for a UTI. It’s really rather amazing how often that is the cause of multiple problems.
There was a family just now that kept getting within 6 fucking inches of me at the dollar store. I finally snapped at them when they were putting shit on the damned cash register before I checked out.
This is a huge pet peeve of mine. I HATE when people start crawling up your ass. My usual solution is to play dumb, start kinda rocking on my feet and slowly taking steps backwards. Or, if need be, turning around really fast like I was looking for something and "accidentally" elbowing/colliding. Either technique pretty much always guarantees they don't get close to me again, and I really don't give a damn if they think I'm the one being clueless.
One event happens in the world (the worst in my history anyway) and it would 100% be something I probably would have bonded over with my father. I never understood his rabid anti-Americanism, but I guess this kind of thing is just something every generation of Canadians needs to learn at some point. I miss my dad for the first time really since he died today.
Just lost a mental health appointment because whoever was in charge of sending the Zoom RRSP didn't change the rescheduled time. So I moved my work schedule around to accommodate it, only to find out the meeting isn't until this afternoon.
I've been waiting MONTHS for this fucking meeting. Now we need to reschedule it for another day, I'm stuck working until 7 PM now for no goddamn reason, and I just want to go home and cry.
I don't know why I bother with anything, anymore. I don't need therapy to know I'm a toxic, self-centered asshole who will die alone.
I've been waiting MONTHS for this fucking meeting. Now we need to reschedule it for another day, I'm stuck working until 7 PM now for no goddamn reason, and I just want to go home and cry.
I don't know why I bother with anything, anymore. I don't need therapy to know I'm a toxic, self-centered asshole who will die alone.
You're not a perfect, divine being, but you are very far from a toxic, self-centered asshole. So maybe you need therapy to help you convince those voices once again that you really aren't.
You're passionate, kind, animal friendly, creative, generous, compassionate.
Sure, you can be toxic, or self-centered, or a dick, once in a while. We all are, especially when in stress mode or during a depressive episode.
My wife has a heart the size of Nebraska, and after her brain aneurism she was incredibly selfish for a couple of months with hardly any regards for other people's issues because she was dealing with her own.
When you're overwhelmed and you're bucket is full, it's normal not to have the energy and capacity to deal with others.
You're a lot of things, Nick, but you're not a bad guy and you don't deserve what your own brain keeps trying to do to you.
Stop lying about my friend!