Rant VIII: The Reckoning
- Thread starter Anonymous
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I'm very glad you didn't go through with it. Asking for - and even more so, accepting - help is hard, especially with your own mind telling you it's useless or you're not worth it.
No medication or therapy will ever be a "final" solution, ok, it's fixed - it's a hard road for the rest of your life. But you always, always need to remember that you don't have to go it alone, and that you are, you are, you are, worth both our time and effort, and your own.
I hope for a speedy recovery.
No medication or therapy will ever be a "final" solution, ok, it's fixed - it's a hard road for the rest of your life. But you always, always need to remember that you don't have to go it alone, and that you are, you are, you are, worth both our time and effort, and your own.
I hope for a speedy recovery.
So managed to switch with someone to get the date off, killed it on the test (imo). Boss got mad at me for switching and said that he was only going to give me one week of vacation since I did that. I told him that he could do what he needed to do and I would do what I needed to do. The next day he changed his mind. Can't wait till I get in the nursing program and say "peace out" to this job. 5-6 more months!
Our daughter started Kindergarten today, and it was a mess. I am a bit pissed about it. We have her enrolled in before and after care hosted by the YMCA at the school. Last Friday, they informed us that this week is a "staggered" week and the kindergarten class will be let out at 2 pm and there will be no YMCA for this week. WTF. So, call the school and said we can't just leave our work to get our daughter, and they said, "do what you got to do". WTF again. This morning, I dropped her off early at 7 am (when the Y starts), and so I can get a mostly full day in before 2. When I got to work, her teacher called and said we have your daughter safely. I said, "I hope so." She replied, "You were supposed to drop your daughter off directly to her class at 8:45 and attend a class orientation." WTF again. I said that I was not informed about this. She asked why we didn't attend the orientation a month ago. I said we did, but none of this was communicated at that time. She disagreed. Fucking great start. So, now I have to leave work even earlier so she can give me a personal orientation that I missed this morning.
I was so excited for my daughter and all this shit just makes me want to find a magnet/charter school and pull her out.
Edit: Follow-up. There were 5 other parents there who were in the same boat as me. We were all equally clueless. I felt a bit better about that. The teachers were also very nice in person and my daughter liked them and had a great day even though her dad was a mess. Turns out yesterday was the staggered day for a subset of the kids. I just lucked into dropping her on the right day which happened to be the first day. I don't know what would have happened if it wasn't her scheduled day. Anyhow, she doesn't have school until next week. Back to daycare for the time being. Thank goodness for an understanding daycare.
I was so excited for my daughter and all this shit just makes me want to find a magnet/charter school and pull her out.
Edit: Follow-up. There were 5 other parents there who were in the same boat as me. We were all equally clueless. I felt a bit better about that. The teachers were also very nice in person and my daughter liked them and had a great day even though her dad was a mess. Turns out yesterday was the staggered day for a subset of the kids. I just lucked into dropping her on the right day which happened to be the first day. I don't know what would have happened if it wasn't her scheduled day. Anyhow, she doesn't have school until next week. Back to daycare for the time being. Thank goodness for an understanding daycare.
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I'm sorry you had to witness that heartlessness. Please know that this is a failure of the person who visited, not the person who was suffering, and they (and you) don't deserve indifference, pity, or anger.
I'm glad you're still alive, and here. I think about you and hope you are well, though we don't interact at all these days.
I'm going to write a stupid long post and I may say all the wrong things. I hope not, but there's a risk to opening my mouth and I hope you find this useful. If not, please dispose in the nearest internet bit recycling bucket, and don't spend time on things that don't help you.
As far as your successes and failures, don't listen to your brain. It's lying to you. It's a lying liar who lies when it's out of balance. All the things you've listed as failures are not black and white, success or failure activities - there's a continuum.
You succeeded at SO MANY ASPECTS of writing to have gotten to the point where you have two published books. Your journey and what you've accomplished along the way outnumbers and outweighs whatever's blocking you right now. 90% of writers NEVER get to the point where you've gone TWICE. Your brain may be lying to you again, putting a lot of, "but it wasn't actually..." or trying in some way to demean your significant accomplishment. Don't listen to those thoughts, your brain is a lying liar who lies if it's saying things like that. You are in the 10% who published, and the even smaller percentage who published more than once.
You succeeded at yoga. You succeeded so hard, and got in better shape than you had been in a long time. You went through so much and succeeded in poses most people couldn't hold for more than an instant. You succeeded in poses even regular yoga practitioners have a hard time completing. You can still do most of those poses right now and do things with your body that are hard. That only happened because of all the successes you had along the way. Just because you weren't able to teach doesn't invalidate all the successes you did score, and certainly doesn't outweigh them - yoga is first and foremost an inward turning and self-improvement, and you did that. You did that. You can still do that. Perhaps your brain is talking to you again, and emphasizing the things you didn't succeed at. Don't trust it, it's biased in all the wrong ways today. Your body is good, and can do amazing things because you have worked hard over many years on it.
Maybe tomorrow your brain will be better at building you up rather than tearing you down, but for now shut it up and focus on things that will build you up.
I don't know much about your wrestling. I recall some of your early stories and passion, but don't remember the details. Knowing you, however, I'm certain you gave your all and had many, many successes, and that it brought challenges and joys to you that have benefited you throughout your life.
I tend to think of video games and comics as entertainment - acts of consumption - but from your consideration series, writing, and other creative endeavors I believe that for you they are catalysts. You are a creative spirit. Your desire - need, I suspect - to create is innate and powerful. Your use of games, comics, and other media aren't wastes of time and energy, but opportunities - springboards and amplifiers for your creative energy. Perhaps your hands and mind gets itchy while you entertain yourself, your fingers craving a way to put thoughts into words. I don't know if you have any warning when you're about to get into a funk, but I suspect that if you do, and if when you do you grab the first book, comic, or video game that is at hand, even if you've read/played/experienced it a million times before, then you may be able to change the direction your brain is heading in, and go towards a creative experience instead. Don't then worry about a possible audience - just write for yourself, or an imaginary crowd. Think through a possible expansion or train of thought of what you just experienced. Do some yoga while considering a new story, character, set, or critique of what you've just experienced.
You have a lot of friendships. You have a lot of people who genuinely care about you. We are concerned, want to help, and are sometimes at a loss as to how we can help. Please don't assume we are keeping a distance because of you - we are always close at hand, eager to help out in any way we can.
We want and need your creative energy and personality. There's no one else I've ever met who's like you and while it may sound weird since we don't hang out, I would feel a tremendous sense of loss if you left this life. If I, a mere "internet friend", feel this way I know there are hundreds of others much closer to you who love and value you much more than I.
You have succeeded, you are succeeding, and you have such amazing talents that you merely need to put one foot in front of the other to accomplish good and great things.
I look forward to seeing what you do next.
Holy shit this is beautiful.
It doesn't help because it's nothing I haven't been told before.
I'm a failure of a writer because my books suck, didn't sell, and they're not worth reading. I'm actually ashamed of the first book. I'm a writing failure because I haven't written anything significant in years. I've tried doing a memoir on my mental health struggles but it just never coalesces into something worthwhile. I'm sitting on a completed third Armadillo Mystery that needs editing, some rewrites, and polish because my relationship with my publisher has soured and I don't know where else I could publish it. No other publisher would take the third in a failed series and I don't think it's worth it to even try self-publishing, since it just means another sales failure. Plus, my attempts at writing anything but Dill - the memoir and the YA novel - were failures. I'd hoped to make a living as a writer and I haven't, so yes, it's a failure. I'm not good enough to be a writer of any value. I don't have any worthwhile ideas and even if I did, I haven't been able to put anything down on the page.
Yoga? I've barely practiced at all for months. Haven't even tried reaching since getting my certificate. So that was a waste of my time and money. And something else I wanted to do for a living and failed miserably.
Plus, I've gotten horribly out of shape since last year. I'm not eating well anymore and I'm barely exercising. I've gained about 10 pounds back. Probably more since I've lost the muscle mass I'd built, too. Mud Hero was this past weekend and I didn't go because I was in no shape to do it. I spend most of my free time just gaming because my motivation to do anything else has vanished.
I haven't posted much since my suicide attempt but here's all that's happened: nothing. I'm going to work and going home and doing nothing. I have an appointment this week with...I don't even know anymore. Some counselor or something set up by a doctor at the hospital when I went in. And they're discussing putting me in a day therapy program.
None of it will help. None of it has ever helped. I never progress. I keep falling back to this. Even when I'm in a good mood, I don't have hope for my future and only see failures when I look back at my life. I'm 41 fucking years old and still living with his fucking parents. There's nothing for me anymore. I've wasted my pathetic joke of a life.
I'm a failure of a writer because my books suck, didn't sell, and they're not worth reading. I'm actually ashamed of the first book. I'm a writing failure because I haven't written anything significant in years. I've tried doing a memoir on my mental health struggles but it just never coalesces into something worthwhile. I'm sitting on a completed third Armadillo Mystery that needs editing, some rewrites, and polish because my relationship with my publisher has soured and I don't know where else I could publish it. No other publisher would take the third in a failed series and I don't think it's worth it to even try self-publishing, since it just means another sales failure. Plus, my attempts at writing anything but Dill - the memoir and the YA novel - were failures. I'd hoped to make a living as a writer and I haven't, so yes, it's a failure. I'm not good enough to be a writer of any value. I don't have any worthwhile ideas and even if I did, I haven't been able to put anything down on the page.
Yoga? I've barely practiced at all for months. Haven't even tried reaching since getting my certificate. So that was a waste of my time and money. And something else I wanted to do for a living and failed miserably.
Plus, I've gotten horribly out of shape since last year. I'm not eating well anymore and I'm barely exercising. I've gained about 10 pounds back. Probably more since I've lost the muscle mass I'd built, too. Mud Hero was this past weekend and I didn't go because I was in no shape to do it. I spend most of my free time just gaming because my motivation to do anything else has vanished.
I haven't posted much since my suicide attempt but here's all that's happened: nothing. I'm going to work and going home and doing nothing. I have an appointment this week with...I don't even know anymore. Some counselor or something set up by a doctor at the hospital when I went in. And they're discussing putting me in a day therapy program.
None of it will help. None of it has ever helped. I never progress. I keep falling back to this. Even when I'm in a good mood, I don't have hope for my future and only see failures when I look back at my life. I'm 41 fucking years old and still living with his fucking parents. There's nothing for me anymore. I've wasted my pathetic joke of a life.
You need to change your thinking on this. Here are some facts:
- The average self publisher make less than $500 in the entire life of their books.
- *Most* trad published authors never earn out their advance. As many as 88% don't. These days, most advances are hovering around $5,000 for a first time author, which means that's all they ever get paid. After not earning out the first book, most authors never get a chance at a second.
You have to be both good, popular, and incredibly lucky enough to sell enough books to make a living. It helps if you're writing in a genre (hint hint, romance) that still has voracious readers that'll snatch up anything new you put out. But to earn a living in those genres, you have to pump out several books a year. Which means having a formula where all you mostly do is change the names and scenery. You know, pulp. If you're not willing to do that, then you have to hope for lightning to strike. It's just like winning the lotto--it's not your fault if you don't. There's not much you could've done to influence the roll of the dice.
Here's what you do seem to have: A small but dedicated fan base that likes you, your characters, and the stories you put those characters in. That, my friend, is a win.
I learned some hard truths about book author income back in 2002 when Eric Flint wrote an essay for Baen books. The essay is now lost to one of the many site redesigns over the years, but you can still see it on archive.org. Now, you may or may not have heard of Eric Flint, but in the fantasy world, he was fairly well known, especially for his 'alternate history' work. He was traditionally published at Baen, published regularly, and had a big fan base. In the essay, you'll find a sales chart about a book he co-authored. Look at the net sales: 41,000 books.
That sounds phenomenal. I know you haven't sold that many. I know I haven't sold that many either. But it was a traditionally published book. Meaning that, at the time, he was probably enjoying somewhere around a 10% royalty rate. Mass market paperbacks were about 5-7 bucks at time. So, if my quick math is correct, Eric probably earned in the neighborhood of $21,000-$30,000 for that book. Except he had to split it with his co-author. So probably 10-15K, for a year's work. And that's for a well known, established writer with many published books under his belt. And it probably took him the better part of a year to write.
Unless you get lucky enough to become a Stephen King, it's not likely you're going to make a living as a writer. Not likely I ever will either. What you're saying here is like saying "I suck at basketball, because I never got to play for a pro NBA team." or "I suck as a musician, because I've never got a record deal and toured nationally." It's a false conclusion. Lots of good musicians and basketball players never 'make it big'. Not because they aren't good. But because they didn't get lucky.
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No I don't and I don't know where you're getting this idea from.
From people posting here. Dill gets far more mentions here than any characters of my books (hint, I get none). I see 13 4 and 5 star reviews on your Smoke and Mirrors amazon page, and the average 4.32 rating on Goodreads (where it's harder to get good ratings than on Amazon). And, I see on Goodreads, you have a person currently reading it, so it's not like it's gone and forgotten.
And if it was a dedicated fanbase, those numbers should have logically carried over to the second book. But it barely got any attention. I might have seen one or two small royalty cheques for the first book, but I haven't seen a dime for the second. I don't see anyone talking about it. Which makes me think people who picked up the first book didn't like it enough to bother with the second one. Hell, more often than not, do you know what I hear? "Oh yeah, I read the first couple of pages, but haven't had a chance to read any further." And that will be the last I hear from that person on it, which translates to "I didn't like it, so I stopped reading it and don't want to hurt your feelings."
Your second book has a slightly different author name than the first. If I didn't know the title, I wouldn't even know you had a second book. The sequel doesn't show up on your Amazon author page. You might want to address that with your publisher.
That said, even though you have less reviews on your 2nd book (as do I), they're all 5 stars.
You have more reviews for it on Goodreads, and again it reviews well. In fact, your books do better than mine in the avg. review rating.
Let me quote some reviews at you:
I really liked the world created by the author.
With the second book Nick Piers knocks it out of the park.
The mystery is top notch...
I hope those were teasers for the next book. It was so much fun to read. I'm looking forward to more!
I really liked the world created by the author.
With the second book Nick Piers knocks it out of the park.
The mystery is top notch...
I hope those were teasers for the next book. It was so much fun to read. I'm looking forward to more!
DELETED: Never mind, I missed what started this and it's nothing to do with what I was talking about.
@ThatNickGuy this is not a cure thing. Eating doesn't cure hunger; it relieves hunger until hunger returns. This is an always cycle.
But like with eating, we don't have to wait until going hungry to do it. We can be preventative.
You need consistent therapy. Not "until it feels okay" therapy. Always therapy, consistent and persistent. Meds alone cannot fix this stuff. Someone should've consulted with you on that, and if not, then fuck your province's mental healthcare because they're doing a shit job.
@ThatNickGuy this is not a cure thing. Eating doesn't cure hunger; it relieves hunger until hunger returns. This is an always cycle.
But like with eating, we don't have to wait until going hungry to do it. We can be preventative.
You need consistent therapy. Not "until it feels okay" therapy. Always therapy, consistent and persistent. Meds alone cannot fix this stuff. Someone should've consulted with you on that, and if not, then fuck your province's mental healthcare because they're doing a shit job.
That was my fault. I decided to drop the stupid, pretentious C out of my author name. It was supposed to be a little nod to the author that inspired Dill: Simon R Green. But then decided it sounded pretentious and thought to drop it for the second book and from then on. No point fixing it now.
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I'm one of the small fan base, and I do have to say - if it wasn't for you posting about it on here, I wouldn't have known a second book ever came out.
That said, I know you won't believe me, but both books really are quite good (and Tin, so are yours - but I'm still waiting for number three!). Is your first book the Fellowship of the Ring? No, it is not. It's a really good firstling, that showed imagination, talent, flair, a specific style, humor, and I've read first books by famous authors often enough to know that most of their first books don't measure up.
You seem to be stuck in the mind set that if something isn't a (commercial) success, it's a failure. It is not. You can be a successful singer and not be Michael Jackson.
Yeah, your chances of being the next Usain Bolt or Ed Sheeran are small. So what? Live a good life, do good for other people, make a difference for just one person, and your life was useful. Most people don't manage to Make it Big, and most frankly fail at being a Decent Person. You're a decent guy. You do good things. You care - perhaps too much. If you're going to consider everything but 100% a failure, you're going to fail. But that is just flawed thinking, introduced by the big black blob sharing your head with you.
That said, I know you won't believe me, but both books really are quite good (and Tin, so are yours - but I'm still waiting for number three!). Is your first book the Fellowship of the Ring? No, it is not. It's a really good firstling, that showed imagination, talent, flair, a specific style, humor, and I've read first books by famous authors often enough to know that most of their first books don't measure up.
You seem to be stuck in the mind set that if something isn't a (commercial) success, it's a failure. It is not. You can be a successful singer and not be Michael Jackson.
Yeah, your chances of being the next Usain Bolt or Ed Sheeran are small. So what? Live a good life, do good for other people, make a difference for just one person, and your life was useful. Most people don't manage to Make it Big, and most frankly fail at being a Decent Person. You're a decent guy. You do good things. You care - perhaps too much. If you're going to consider everything but 100% a failure, you're going to fail. But that is just flawed thinking, introduced by the big black blob sharing your head with you.
Dave
Staff member
My friend Mark has "Mark Everett Stone" on all his books. Stopping at the first letter is nothing in comparison.
Denton county is backwards as fuck.
So, some background: From my first marriage, there was a child. In Texas, nearly all child support is handled via wage garnishment. It's actually not a bad policy, as it ensures that the money obligation for helping support the kid you helped create gets handled first.
So, I paid child support on that child until she turned 18 and graduated. The state of Texas child support division issued a letter to my employer terminating support (and the insurance requirement) and my company stopped garnishing my wages. All well and good.
My son, whom I had custody of, just turned 18 and graduated. I've been getting child support payments from my ex-wife for the last 10 years or so. But now that the obligation has expired, her employer will not stop garnishment. Which means I have to turn around and give her the money back. No problem---I'll just call the state and tell them to write the same letter that I got when my firstborn turned 18.
Easier said than done. W were divorced in Denton County. Which means that the county is handling our child support. The Texas state child support division has us listed as a "registration only" case, meaning they don't have any of the court orders or any of the documentation. They simply take her money and put it in my bank account. As such, they will issue no letters, and advise me to contact the county.
The county (incidentally, that clerk on the phone was a total bitch) tells me that they don't generate letters. If her employer will not end the support simply because the order has expired (which it has), then we have to file a petition with the county judge. Meaning we have to file legal paperwork, schedule a court date, both fly back to Texas, and stand before a judge simply to say "Hey, the kid's 18 and out of school. Can you rubber stamp this petition so we can give it to her company and the child support will stop?"
It's fucking ridiculous. It's gonna cost us both more in lost time and wages than 2-3 months of child support.
So, some background: From my first marriage, there was a child. In Texas, nearly all child support is handled via wage garnishment. It's actually not a bad policy, as it ensures that the money obligation for helping support the kid you helped create gets handled first.
So, I paid child support on that child until she turned 18 and graduated. The state of Texas child support division issued a letter to my employer terminating support (and the insurance requirement) and my company stopped garnishing my wages. All well and good.
My son, whom I had custody of, just turned 18 and graduated. I've been getting child support payments from my ex-wife for the last 10 years or so. But now that the obligation has expired, her employer will not stop garnishment. Which means I have to turn around and give her the money back. No problem---I'll just call the state and tell them to write the same letter that I got when my firstborn turned 18.
Easier said than done. W were divorced in Denton County. Which means that the county is handling our child support. The Texas state child support division has us listed as a "registration only" case, meaning they don't have any of the court orders or any of the documentation. They simply take her money and put it in my bank account. As such, they will issue no letters, and advise me to contact the county.
The county (incidentally, that clerk on the phone was a total bitch) tells me that they don't generate letters. If her employer will not end the support simply because the order has expired (which it has), then we have to file a petition with the county judge. Meaning we have to file legal paperwork, schedule a court date, both fly back to Texas, and stand before a judge simply to say "Hey, the kid's 18 and out of school. Can you rubber stamp this petition so we can give it to her company and the child support will stop?"
It's fucking ridiculous. It's gonna cost us both more in lost time and wages than 2-3 months of child support.
A
Anonymous
Anonymous
HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW TO ATTACH AN EXCEL FILE TO AN EMAIL!!! I UPDATE THE FILE DAILY, ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS EMAIL IT ON THE FIRST BUSINESS DAY OF THE MONTH TO THE VENDOR. AND THE ONLY REASON YOU DO THAT IS BECAUSE THE VENDOR WANTS A SINGLE CONTACT AND YOU'RE THE CONTACT OF RECORD! HOW COULD YOU NOT ACCOMPLISH THIS FOR SIX MONTHS!?
Dave
Staff member
Make them change their default message to include the word "attach". When they hit send Outlook will say, "You look like you wanted to attach a file. Continue?"
Saved my butt a few times.
Or better yet, have them CC: you. Then instead of them sending it, you forward it or resend it AS THEM with the attachment.
Saved my butt a few times.
Or better yet, have them CC: you. Then instead of them sending it, you forward it or resend it AS THEM with the attachment.
GasBandit
Staff member
My dad always said... there's no bureaucrat like a Texas bureaucrat.
Well like all red haired folks she is a creature of the night.
I have been to many Rocky Horror shows, and I remember you're supposed to read the sign aloud. What I'm surprised about is how many times I've heard Denton mentioned in casual conversation over the last 10-15 years. The internet has introduced me to many current and ex-Texans.
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I was about to add the appropriate Janet gif to that, and remembered this is Halforums.
Bad idea.
GasBandit
Staff member
So when you're done doing whatever
And when you're through doing whoever
You know Denton County will be right here waiting for you-uuuuuuuu....
Come back to Texas!
It's just not the same since you went away
Before you lose your accent,
And forget all about the Lone Star State
There's a seat for you at the rodeo, and I've got every slow dance saved
Besides the Mexican food sucks north of here anywaaaayy-aaay.
And when you're through doing whoever
You know Denton County will be right here waiting for you-uuuuuuuu....
Come back to Texas!
It's just not the same since you went away
Before you lose your accent,
And forget all about the Lone Star State
There's a seat for you at the rodeo, and I've got every slow dance saved
Besides the Mexican food sucks north of here anywaaaayy-aaay.
Laura Branigan is also acceptable.
That's what she said.
This week. So rough. I shouldn’t be penalized for being bilingual or helping my team. At my level, I shouldn’t be in the field as much, but I can’t not help them when they need me. Others in my position (while I was on medical leave) refused to and I have promised to be there for them.
When I tell the rest of my management team, they should respond appropriately and not penalize us for being bilingual.
When I tell the rest of my management team, they should respond appropriately and not penalize us for being bilingual.
Dave
Staff member
We hate our new bed. Well, maybe not HATE, but we are thinking of getting a refund. We tried the bed out in the store and it was amazing. We didn't just go into this blind, but there are some things we didn't know.
- If you don't have adequate air flow around a Sleep-Number mattress, it gets hot. Like, really hot. We have ours on a box spring so that we're not almost laying on the floor. We can probably move the box spring but I'll have to get a few more slats to go on the bottom for support. So MAYBE this one is able to be fixed.
- In the store my wife and I laid on our normal sides and reveled in the mattress, but unfortunately it doesn't work like that in real life. I stay on my side but she's a "middle sleeper". Which means she's partially on my side and partially on hers. Which brings me to...
- If you and your partner's sleep numbers are different, it can create a middle partition. My wife's is lower than mine so if I get too close to the middle I might just fall off the edge onto her side. And she lays right next to the divide so she's basically leaning on the wall that divides our mattresses. Normally this wouldn't matter but if I have to get up to go to the bathroom or let the dog out (as I did at 3 am this morning) then the mattress reverts to a different number than I want and since she's leaning against it IT WON'T GO BACK! So then I'm laying on a harder mattress than I am comfortable with and I can't do anything about it unless I wake her up.
- If we DO get a refund, I will have no bed since they hauled my old one away. And if I can fix the heat thing and we keep it, what the hell do I do with my box spring?!?
I'm nearly finished listening to a biography on Robin Williams. And it's just absolutely heartbreaking. Here's a guy who brought great comfort and joy to people but thought so little of himself.
He's like a modern Pagliacci.
What's doubly heartbreaking is learning how much he struggled late in life, especially with Parkinson's hitting him hard, on top of his already struggling mental health issues. He couldn't cope with it and it sounds like that might be his main reason for suicide (maybe).
But I can't help seeing myself in his struggles. I'm not even remotely as talented as that man was, but people praise my work and I think it's all garbage. I don't see any value in myself. Like Robin, I'm constantly reaching for praise, even when I don't or won't believe it.
I also hate hearing that people crapped on What Dreams May Come and him for doing it and not more comedy. I learned that movie meant a lot to him, and it pained him to hear criticism against it or his choice in bring in it. They movie means so much for me.
To sum up: God, I miss Robin Williams. And I'm just a mere fan who feels very strongly connected with one of his lesser appreciated works.
(Correction: he had Lewy Body Disease, not Parkinson's.)
He's like a modern Pagliacci.
What's doubly heartbreaking is learning how much he struggled late in life, especially with Parkinson's hitting him hard, on top of his already struggling mental health issues. He couldn't cope with it and it sounds like that might be his main reason for suicide (maybe).
But I can't help seeing myself in his struggles. I'm not even remotely as talented as that man was, but people praise my work and I think it's all garbage. I don't see any value in myself. Like Robin, I'm constantly reaching for praise, even when I don't or won't believe it.
I also hate hearing that people crapped on What Dreams May Come and him for doing it and not more comedy. I learned that movie meant a lot to him, and it pained him to hear criticism against it or his choice in bring in it. They movie means so much for me.
To sum up: God, I miss Robin Williams. And I'm just a mere fan who feels very strongly connected with one of his lesser appreciated works.
(Correction: he had Lewy Body Disease, not Parkinson's.)
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