A
Anonymous
Anonymous
I don't mean to give the impression that she has a lack of interest in things--just a lack of interest in me. I don't think it's depression, but she has been to the doctor about fatigue. She was diagnosed as hypothyroid, and she has medication. But it doesn't seem to have done much. I only brought it up because she seems to have a convenient attack whenever we do schedule a "date night" (because it has never, ever been spontaneous) or whenever I ask to talk about this topic.
An attack of hypothyroidism? How does that work exactly?
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Anonymous
Anonymous
Those are my words, not hers.
Okay, but I still don't get it. I've known a lot of people, friends and family, who were diagnosed with an underactive thyroid and they never talked about any type of "attack" other than hot flashes or maybe depression.
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Anonymous
Anonymous
Yeah but I just meant conveniently tired. She doesn't call it anything or even call attention to it. That's my addition. I feel like I'm doing her a disservice with some of my descriptions.
Really, I think with a subject like this it can be hard to get the whole of your feelings and thoughts across through the internet. Not that it's a fault in your communications, but the medium itself.
A
Anonymous
Anonymous
Look I appreciate the advice, but there's also a limit to how much I am conveying or can convey. I mean, it's equivalent to me saying, "the plane is going down!", and the control tower says, "Bail out!", and then I clarify "Wait, I didn't mean it was crashing, just going downward, which is bad, but not as bad as crashing!"
Is this something that can be averted? If so, work to avert it. If not, better to bail.
--Patrick
BananaHands
Staff member
You should just tell her everything that you've said in this thread. Worst case - you two get divorced. Best case? She works with you to fix things.
It's more like the tower is telling you there are two options. Either start pulling the plane out of the dive, or jump before it's too late. Time to decide. Either counseling or divorce.
I also think it is easy for us to judge your situation when we only have your perspective of it. No one knows why your wife is acting this way, including you. Has she always been like this, even before you married? Did having children change her? Has something major changed in her life, aside from being diagnosed with hypothyroidism, which could have effected her own quality of life or thought process? Was the dynamic between you always like this, but you only recently decided it needed to change? There are a lot of factors that we don't know, and frankly are none of our business, that can affect your marital relationship.
Would counseling help? Probably since it seems you two are having trouble communicating effectively. She may have some kind of issue she needs to work through in individual counseling, too.
Could something like a couples' retreat help? Possibly depending on your attitudes going into the event.
Have you talked to any of your friends who know you both, provided you can confide in that person? That could also give you perspective.
It doesn't have to be A or B. But if you are unhappy then you need to take steps toward finding out what exactly is making you unhappy and figuring out how to fix it. Your wife can't fix your unhappiness. No one on this board can. And, yes, I know you aren't asking anyone to fix it for you. The point is, YOU are in control of your life and well-being. You have to be your own advocate. You have to direct the change you need in order to find what is missing in your life.
Would counseling help? Probably since it seems you two are having trouble communicating effectively. She may have some kind of issue she needs to work through in individual counseling, too.
Could something like a couples' retreat help? Possibly depending on your attitudes going into the event.
Have you talked to any of your friends who know you both, provided you can confide in that person? That could also give you perspective.
It doesn't have to be A or B. But if you are unhappy then you need to take steps toward finding out what exactly is making you unhappy and figuring out how to fix it. Your wife can't fix your unhappiness. No one on this board can. And, yes, I know you aren't asking anyone to fix it for you. The point is, YOU are in control of your life and well-being. You have to be your own advocate. You have to direct the change you need in order to find what is missing in your life.
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Anonymous
Anonymous
Well like I said in the OP, I have. Many, many times.
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Anonymous
Anonymous
I'm a bit hesitant to come back in here, since I will always defend my wife. I may be unhappy but she's still my wife, and I haven't told the whole story.
But nothing has changed. I'm think I'm lonelier married than I ever was single. I come home often, and there's no one there. She apologizes later, but I'm always in the dark about what's going on. And if I pursue it beyond the apology, it's my fault for not asking constantly what her plans are. That still just seems so backwards to me, and it certainly wouldn't fly the other way around. I am afraid to start yet another conversation about it though, because things are peaceful. As per usual, she sees nothing wrong. To hear her tell it, we have a rosy, perfect marriage. It really feels like gaslighting because it makes me wonder if I'm the problem, and maybe I'm expecting too much out of a 20 year marriage. Or maybe it's not gaslighting. Maybe I shouldn't expect anything beyond a roommate. I don't hate her. Not in the least. She's a great friend, but I want more out of marriage than a friend and roommate.
But nothing has changed. I'm think I'm lonelier married than I ever was single. I come home often, and there's no one there. She apologizes later, but I'm always in the dark about what's going on. And if I pursue it beyond the apology, it's my fault for not asking constantly what her plans are. That still just seems so backwards to me, and it certainly wouldn't fly the other way around. I am afraid to start yet another conversation about it though, because things are peaceful. As per usual, she sees nothing wrong. To hear her tell it, we have a rosy, perfect marriage. It really feels like gaslighting because it makes me wonder if I'm the problem, and maybe I'm expecting too much out of a 20 year marriage. Or maybe it's not gaslighting. Maybe I shouldn't expect anything beyond a roommate. I don't hate her. Not in the least. She's a great friend, but I want more out of marriage than a friend and roommate.
Please explain this to me. Are you defending her only because she's "the little woman" or do you really believe she should be defended when you are being made miserable?
Read those bolded lines to yourself. Imagine this was a close friend talking to you. What would you tell him?
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Anonymous
Anonymous
I did explain it in the last couple of line. I don't hate her, and I'm trying to keep an open mind that I may be wrong. At absolute worst, she's still my good friend. For example, even the parts you bolded. I know those were my words, but I have to objectively acknowledge that I am being emotional, and being probably unfair in my explanation. So if you all respond to that, I do sometimes feel like I need to explain her side since she's not here.
This is so true.
Remember, the person you were 20 - 10 - 5 years old isn't the same person you are today. Things change. This goes for the SO as well.
It's a journey for a reason, they'll be ups and down and things and objectives change.
Shit, I'm not even the same person I was 2 years ago.
Cajungal
Staff member
It sounds like you're in limbo. If she doesn't acknowledge that at least you are struggling in this marriage, I think that speaks volumes. Like Dei said, sometimes it's not about anger or hate or other big emotions. Sometimes it's about feeling nothing or feeling an absence. If the only things she keeps saying is that there isn't a problem and your marriage is fine, then you're not both getting what you want.
It's nice of you to try and be fair and tell things from your wife's side as you understand it. It means you're doing something that she isn't--trying to understand what's going on in your spouse's mind. This sounds like a really unfair and frustrating situation.
It's nice of you to try and be fair and tell things from your wife's side as you understand it. It means you're doing something that she isn't--trying to understand what's going on in your spouse's mind. This sounds like a really unfair and frustrating situation.
How long has she been medication? I ask because my wife had thyroid cancer, and had hers removed. Her mood changes and tiredness was difficult to regulate. It literally took two years or so to get the dosage right. Let me tell you that was a rough two years for both of us.
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Anonymous
Anonymous
Every time I post here, things seem to get a little better at home. I don't know if it's the catharsis of getting it out there or what. Still terrified of bringing up a discussion again. Last time I did, I got really angry and yelly and I hate that. Especially since it more or less guarantees nothing will happen. I just hate how she just gets into a pattern of acquiescence when I complain. I want a discussion, not what feels like an attempt to shut me down. That sounds like me judging her intent, but I know from 20 years of experience now that "I'll work on it" never actually happens.
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Anonymous
Anonymous
I am positive it's not an affair. She has no time for that, and it's not her personality. If I were to attribute anything sexual to it, I'd guess she's at least somewhat a closeted asexual. She's never really shown an attraction to anyone in all the time I've known her.
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Anonymous
Anonymous
See again, I've given a false impression. I never said she won't tell me where she's been, she just neglects to tell me she's going somewhere. Plus these trips are almost always with the kids.
I'm going to speak to this as my sexual preferences seem to tend towards your wife's. Have you sat down to talk about your sex life in such a way that it was about her instead of you feeling neglected? It can be extremely stressful to feel like any type of romantic interaction will lead your husband on to think you will be having sex because you wanted to kiss him, and can lead to completely avoiding ANY physical interaction to try to avoid that stress.
Basically what I'm saying is, approach talks of intimacy in such a way to address what her comfort zones are, instead of just saying YOU feel neglected, and YOU have needs. If you think she might be embarrassed about this kind of discussion, ask her to write her thoughts down for you.
Basically what I'm saying is, approach talks of intimacy in such a way to address what her comfort zones are, instead of just saying YOU feel neglected, and YOU have needs. If you think she might be embarrassed about this kind of discussion, ask her to write her thoughts down for you.
Somewhere in the vicinity of 10% of women suffer from a complete lack of interest in sex. The FDA is even considering a new drug specifically for this population of women, which alters their brain chemistry to increase sex drive. I think total disinterest is energy within the realm of possibility.
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Anonymous
Anonymous
I've retyped an answer here a billion times. I don't know how to put this without seeming like a jerk. Of course I've had this conversation. A million times. It and many like it are the point of this thread. There is literally no response from her often. Or the acquiescence. I mean, I don't berate her or make her feel bad about not having a sexual desire. I go along with whatever she wants. It's stressful to know your husband wants you when you don't want him? Yeah, I believe it. It's also stressful to never feel wanted. But I don't pursue it, and give her what she wants here. She has 100% of the control here already. Going to her and asking her what her comfort zones are (which I'll reiterate, I've asked her many times) suggests I'm taking more than she's comfortable with, and that's already in her control. If she's giving up more than she wants to now, well it could possibly be another suggestion that we're incompatible.
But this conversation is a side note anyway. I've made my peace with the sexual aspect of the relationship, and that's a very minor footnote in this thread.
But this conversation is a side note anyway. I've made my peace with the sexual aspect of the relationship, and that's a very minor footnote in this thread.