It's starting to sound like she might be clinically depressed - lack of interest in things, excessive sleeping, etc. Has she seen a medical professional about that?
Is this something that can be averted? If so, work to avert it. If not, better to bail.Look I appreciate the advice, but there's also a limit to how much I am conveying or can convey. I mean, it's equivalent to me saying, "the plane is going down!", and the control tower says, "Bail out!", and then I clarify "Wait, I didn't mean it was crashing, just going downward, which is bad, but not as bad as crashing!"
It's more like the tower is telling you there are two options. Either start pulling the plane out of the dive, or jump before it's too late. Time to decide. Either counseling or divorce.Look I appreciate the advice, but there's also a limit to how much I am conveying or can convey. I mean, it's equivalent to me saying, "the plane is going down!", and the control tower says, "Bail out!", and then I clarify "Wait, I didn't mean it was crashing, just going downward, which is bad, but not as bad as crashing!"
Please explain this to me. Are you defending her only because she's "the little woman" or do you really believe she should be defended when you are being made miserable?I'm a bit hesitant to come back in here, since I will always defend my wife. I may be unhappy but she's still my wife, and I haven't told the whole story.
Read those bolded lines to yourself. Imagine this was a close friend talking to you. What would you tell him?But nothing has changed. I'm think I'm lonelier married than I ever was single. I come home often, and there's no one there. She apologizes later, but I'm always in the dark about what's going on. And if I pursue it beyond the apology, it's my fault for not asking constantly what her plans are. That still just seems so backwards to me, and it certainly wouldn't fly the other way around. I am afraid to start yet another conversation about it though, because things are peaceful. As per usual, she sees nothing wrong. To hear her tell it, we have a rosy, perfect marriage. It really feels like gaslighting because it makes me wonder if I'm the problem, and maybe I'm expecting too much out of a 20 year marriage. Or maybe it's not gaslighting. Maybe I shouldn't expect anything beyond a roommate. I don't hate her. Not in the least. She's a great friend, but I want more out of marriage than a friend and roommate.
I did explain it in the last couple of line. I don't hate her, and I'm trying to keep an open mind that I may be wrong. At absolute worst, she's still my good friend. For example, even the parts you bolded. I know those were my words, but I have to objectively acknowledge that I am being emotional, and being probably unfair in my explanation. So if you all respond to that, I do sometimes feel like I need to explain her side since she's not here.Please explain this to me. Are you defending her only because she's "the little woman" or do you really believe she should be defended when you are being made miserable?
This is so true.Also, you don't have to hate someone to want a divorce.
I don't mean to give the impression that she has a lack of interest in things--just a lack of interest in me. I don't think it's depression, but she has been to the doctor about fatigue. She was diagnosed as hypothyroid, and she has medication. But it doesn't seem to have done much. I only brought it up because she seems to have a convenient attack whenever we do schedule a "date night" (because it has never, ever been spontaneous) or whenever I ask to talk about this topic.
Somewhere in the vicinity of 10% of women suffer from a complete lack of interest in sex. The FDA is even considering a new drug specifically for this population of women, which alters their brain chemistry to increase sex drive. I think total disinterest is energy within the realm of possibility.She never wants to be intimate. She's not home when you get home, and won't tell you where she's been, and makes you feel like it's your fault when you ask. She is totally having an affair.