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Anonymous
I haven't rebuffed what you said at all. I just told you I already tried it, and that the sexual aspect wasn't the main point anyway.
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Anonymous
I'm reading back through this thread, and I'm not seeing rebuffing anything other than suggestions that my wife was being a dick or that she was having an affair. I mean, I have noted that I've tried things quite a few times when suggested. I don't know how else to phrase that.
I would like to get insight from Kati about this, will post what she has to say once she's had a chance to do the same.
--Patrick
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Anonymous
It's fine. I think I came here mostly to see if I was justified in having an issue, or if I was being a callous person. It was difficult for me to specify the parameters of the problem, and clarification was taken as a lack of gratitude, which I did not intend. I will take all advice to heart, regardless of whether I debated it. That's what I do. That's how I work through things.
Can't help then. If it were me, is take a break and consider of its worth it.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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Anonymous
I've tried talking again, and once again, I got the brush off that nothing is wrong, and that she's perfectly cool with the way things are, and it's all in my head. This in and of itself is odd, because clearly I am not perfectly cool with it. I think she wants me to just shut up.
Sounds like something you should bring up during couples therapy.
Let her know that what is in your head counts. If you express your concerns in terms of how you feel (and not in terms of objective, observable facts) it is harder to dismiss them. Also, ask for her help rather than ask her to change.
Or a divorce hearing.
Or one then the other.
Either she is in denial or she may be gaslighting you. I know that term is usually used in conjunction with abuse, but if she is trying to make you believe your concerns and feelings are all in your head then IMO it fits. Right now it sounds like she wants to invalidate your viewpoint. She needs to know that this is not only about her perception of the state of your relationship, but also the way you see them.
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Anonymous
This is totally it. Never saw this show, but it sums it up nicely.
Maybe I should just shut up and take it. It's not what I want, and I hate the idea of growing old this way, but I guess it beats things being bad, too.
Maybe I should just shut up and take it. It's not what I want, and I hate the idea of growing old this way, but I guess it beats things being bad, too.
It kinda sounds like things are already bad? But it also sounds like you prefer it that way, as opposed to anything changing.
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Anonymous
It's like looking at a frosty glass of lemonade on the far side of a river of lava.
This is what happened to me when I saw Jerry McGuire. When I saw Tidwell's post-TD phone call, I immediately realized I did not love the person I was seeing at the time. It was a blow.
--Patrick
Well it's not like you're going to do anything about it anyway.
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Anonymous
Have you been married 20 years? It's a hard thing to go rocking a boat even if the course is not true.
Yeah, I mean just because you're heading for giant sharp rocks that'll smash the boat to pieces and leave everyone drowning is no reason to change course.
To me, it sounds like the other person is the driver and OP is the passenger. The driver claims she has a good driving record, so OP continues to let her drive even though he doubts her driving ability. He also thinks if he just stays quiet about her swerving all over the road that some how his motion sickness will disappear on its own.
Why you're thinking this. You're no happy with your conjugal life?
I like this guy already
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Anonymous
Well now there's a new wrinkle that concerns me. May or may not be related. I have this sudden loss of libido. I mean it's only been a week, but it's weird. I'm someone who has such an overcharged libido, I've wondered if something was wrong. Now the exact opposite. No desire whatsoever.
It's hard to feel attraction toward someone you resent.
And now that I posted this, I know the reply will be along the lines of you not resenting her. What you've told us says otherwise, but it's up to you to own it or not.
And now that I posted this, I know the reply will be along the lines of you not resenting her. What you've told us says otherwise, but it's up to you to own it or not.
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Loss of sexual interest is a concern, but remember, don't rock that boat.
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Anonymous
When I say loss of libido I mean all libido not loss of attraction to my wife.
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Anonymous
I wish I could say any of this has gotten better. I got over a lot of the depression, but nothing has improved in the relationship.
Let me clarify so no one has to read back through.
There simply is no connection between me and my wife. I almost never talk to her. She leaves the room when I enter. She literally says nothing back when I ask her questions. For my part, I know I've been emotional about this with her, but only because the only times she ever says anything back is when things finally build to a head. I think back on our younger days, and it almost seems like she was a different person. Now, she is always preoccupied with work and the kids, and never has any time for me. I'm fairly certain she's been pretending to be asleep at night when I come to bed.
The more this goes on--and it's been about 5 years now since this change came over our relationship--the more I think that I just don't want to die like this. In a relationship with no connection. I've asked for help. I've asked for conversations. I've asked for therapy, but she says nothing is really wrong. I don't get it. As for what happened 5 years ago? I moved to a different city for work ahead of them, and was here by myself for about a year. That's it, but I feel like she regrets getting back together at the end of it.
She says (when she says anything) that she doesn't like to talk because I get angry and argue. She's not wrong--I do tend to get upset. I shouldn't, but in my defense, that's because the only time we ever talk is when I get to the boiling point, because she has literally said nothing back to me up until that point. See the problem here? It's self-perpetuating.
I keep trying to respark. I do everything I can to alleviate home life work for her, but she still seems to hide in work. That's the only thing I can think it is. It's some kind of martyr-like shelter. If I do anything, she will go out of her way to find some other task, or hell, ever re-do something I already did. Last week I searched everywhere for a toy street sweeper, and gave it to her as a gift. This was a meaningful thing for us at one point. The first night we spent together (up talking, not sexual you pervs), we walked to the waterfront, and no matter where we turned, the street sweeper was there. We thought it was hilarious at the time, and it became kind of a thing. When I gave her the street sweeper, she acted confused. After I told her the whole story which she was there for, and that we joked about for years, the best I got was an, "Oh yeah. Thanks." That killed me. It really did.
I really don't feel like there's anything left. I wish I had the courage to talk with her about moving on, but I don't even know how to start.
Let me clarify so no one has to read back through.
There simply is no connection between me and my wife. I almost never talk to her. She leaves the room when I enter. She literally says nothing back when I ask her questions. For my part, I know I've been emotional about this with her, but only because the only times she ever says anything back is when things finally build to a head. I think back on our younger days, and it almost seems like she was a different person. Now, she is always preoccupied with work and the kids, and never has any time for me. I'm fairly certain she's been pretending to be asleep at night when I come to bed.
The more this goes on--and it's been about 5 years now since this change came over our relationship--the more I think that I just don't want to die like this. In a relationship with no connection. I've asked for help. I've asked for conversations. I've asked for therapy, but she says nothing is really wrong. I don't get it. As for what happened 5 years ago? I moved to a different city for work ahead of them, and was here by myself for about a year. That's it, but I feel like she regrets getting back together at the end of it.
She says (when she says anything) that she doesn't like to talk because I get angry and argue. She's not wrong--I do tend to get upset. I shouldn't, but in my defense, that's because the only time we ever talk is when I get to the boiling point, because she has literally said nothing back to me up until that point. See the problem here? It's self-perpetuating.
I keep trying to respark. I do everything I can to alleviate home life work for her, but she still seems to hide in work. That's the only thing I can think it is. It's some kind of martyr-like shelter. If I do anything, she will go out of her way to find some other task, or hell, ever re-do something I already did. Last week I searched everywhere for a toy street sweeper, and gave it to her as a gift. This was a meaningful thing for us at one point. The first night we spent together (up talking, not sexual you pervs), we walked to the waterfront, and no matter where we turned, the street sweeper was there. We thought it was hilarious at the time, and it became kind of a thing. When I gave her the street sweeper, she acted confused. After I told her the whole story which she was there for, and that we joked about for years, the best I got was an, "Oh yeah. Thanks." That killed me. It really did.
I really don't feel like there's anything left. I wish I had the courage to talk with her about moving on, but I don't even know how to start.
I try to imagine what I would do if I were in your situation. The answer is that I would be depressed, be anxious, be sorrowful... and then I would get a divorce. It sounds like you have done everything in your power to reconnect, but she has to meet you part of the way. I think you have exhausted all options, and though it may be sad, it is time to move on. As for how to start that conversation, don't look for a special way to open it. Be honest and direct.
I'm very sorry to hear this, by the way. It's much easier for me to suggest divorce than it is for you to live through it. But from an outsider point of view, it really is the only option that makes sense.
I don't have real advice, but I know that it takes two people to make a relationship work and it doesn't sound like one is willing to try. I don't think that any path from here is going to be an easy one. If you stay together "for the kids" or convenience you'll be miserable, and your kids will notice (if they haven't already), and if you don't stay together you will likely lose some friends and family and will probably lose some financial stability. Will you gain happiness if you separate/divorce? I don't know. Will you gain any in continuing in the current situation, again I don't know.
TLDR
It takes two to tango, one isn't willing. Stay =! happiness, neither does leaving.
TLDR
It takes two to tango, one isn't willing. Stay =! happiness, neither does leaving.