Just had a very surreal late-night rendezvous with my most recent ex - the one who mutually broke up with me three weeks ago. We were talking online the night before. A long talk, talking about how we admitted to missing each other and asking if we still thought about each other. I'd be lying if I said I didn't. And I've been jealous as hell whenever she posted something on Facebook about the guy she started dating recently.
In fact, her running through my head was the prime reason why I couldn't sleep last night.
Tonight, we chatted again. We chatted earlier today where she helped bounce around some ideas for Dill, but tonight was different. We talked about the idea of getting back together. How I'm still terrified at the idea of being a father for her 2-year old son. And how I've never gotten back together with an ex before. Before, once we broke up, that was it. We'd essentially stop talking to each other and they'd soon find someone else. Much like Alix seemingly did. But she admitted that he wasn't me. That he was a nice guy, but he just wasn't me.
And we talked. And talked. We'd been becoming more civil with each other again since the breakup, even able to joke around and such. I told her that it's one thing to be cute and jokey online like we used to be, but another thing altogether if we were in person.
Then she suddenly messaged, "Can you come here?"
"Right now?" I asked.
"Right now."
It was almost 1:00 AM.
I drove over.
We sat in the car and we talked more. I don't get nervous about many things, but I was nervous here. I didn't know what the hell I was doing there or what prompted me to go. But we talked. The way the conversation was going, I didn't know if we were getting back together or deciding again why we broke up in the first place. The biggest concern was, understandably, her son. I feel like such a manchild that I don't know if I'd make a good father. And she understood that. But dammit if I didn't miss her. Every time I looked at her, I felt like leaning in and kissing her.
...which I admitted right to her.
She said maybe I should.
So I did.
We held each other and cried and I think we're both scared, but also want to try making things work. We certainly need to set some new ground rules if we're going to try this again. For one, I seriously need to work on not pushing her (or others) away when I get depressed.
Anyway, we kissed more and hugged more and talked more. I didn't want to let her go because I was afraid it wasn't real.
Eventually I did go home, though. And now I'm sitting here feeling very emotional and scared. This is completely uncharted territory for me. I've never gotten back together with an ex. No one's ever given me a second chance. And I want to make things work. I really do. I love her. And her son. If being with her means learning to be a father figure for him, then it's worth it. She's worth it.
Dammit, I'm crying over this whole thing. I don't even know why. It should be happy, right?
We're going to take it slow. Not jumping right back into and making it official on Facebook or anything. Dates. That's all for now. And I'm okay with that.
