Rant VIII: The Reckoning

figmentPez

figmentPez

Staff member
- Different friend comes over. We talk, she helps me do dishes and eat. We watch Steven Universe, things are going okay.
- My uncle calls. The one who is supposed to be on my side. He asks if I've called my apartment complex yet. I tell him about my panic attacks and why I wasn't able to. He tells me that "This is just something you have to do, it's not hard, you're just going to have to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" FUCK. Looks like I chose the wrong person to trust. He may be better than my parents, but this is not the support that I need. Making that phone call is not easy with my anxiety the way it is, that's why I need medication, pulling yourself up by your bootstraps is a physical impossibility.

Now my panic is very high again and it feels like the light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train.

I'm going to try to sleep. I don't have much hope that it will even start out as well as yesterday, but maybe, who knows. I'll try my best.

I have no idea what I'm going to do tomorrow. I wish so bad that I could go back to Menninger right now.
 
Amy

Amy

figmentPez said:
I don't know what happens to my apartment, blongings, financials, and such if I do that, though.
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@figmentPez

Things are things. You are a rare and wonderful person that needs to focus on self care. Eat, sleep, drink lots of water, go for a small walk to get sunlight, ( or exercise for up to 15 minutes where you feel safe, chair-assisted squats or a few jumping jacks, etc) and see a doctor about treating your anxiety medically. ( https://www.dshs.state.tx.us/mhsa-mh-help/ ) Mention anti-depressants for anxiety treatment. Self-advocate. It's scary hard, I know, I've literally been paralyzed and unable to move for days at a time, and talking on the phone feels like hell and a terrifying horror show.

Worry about your immediate needs first. (Food, water, exercise to focus your thoughts, completing daily routine chores, *washing dishes, cleaning up the room, brushing your teeth.)

If another panic attack hits try to do something with your hands, like solve a rubik's cube puzzle, or draw. (I draw) Remember to try to focus on deep breathing, or just one breath to the next. Put your hands on your belly, exhale, then inhale as deep as you can, focusing on your hands moving with your belly. Don't worry about anything else except your hands. Repeat until you can breath deeply and easily. Stretch, and make a point of relaxing your muscles after stretching.

Tell yourself that your emotions that you are feeling are not chained to you. They just are, and like rain and clouds they will come and go. Put bad feelings on a mental train, actually visualise it in your mind, and just watch the train take away your bad feelings. You are not your emotions and they do not control you, no matter how badly you feel otherwise.

If at any time you try these tips or start feeling rapidly worse, just dial 911. It's okay to go to the hospital if you feel suicidal, or overwhelming pain and anxiety. It is not your fault and it is not wrong to seek help. If ANYONE tells you otherwise, ignore them, and ask for help from someone else.

Local county crisis hotline numbers are here
http://www.dshs.state.tx.us/mhsa-crisishotline/

Sorry for the length of this message. I'm cheering you on, and *deep hugs.*
 
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figmentPez

figmentPez

Staff member
Today's troubles:

- Lousy insurance is even less useful when the nearest orthopedist doesn't accept it. Now to see if anyone will.

- Moving to the new apartment means signing a new lease, but I need a guarantor, which is my father on the current lease. They may have unintentionally thrown my roommate under the bus with me.

I am so fucking tired.
 
Frank

Frank

So, I'm going to try to write what my day was like. This is literally the first thing I've done since everything below happened.

I just spent the last 5 hours on my stoop in a long discussion with my, well, now ex-girlfriend about a lot of things. She had quit smoking for a long time and spent the entire time chain-smoking, so obviously I knew it was stressful and had that feeling I knew where the conversation was going to end up. The worst part is I should be COMPLETELY devastated. But, I'm guessing thanks to the new medication, I'm not. I am, but I barely feel it, yet my hands are still shaking and not a fucking single tear. I feel so dead right now. The person I'd usually talk to about this is now in New Zealand and has all but cut off contact with anyone in Canada. I don't even know how to reach him outside of a Facebook message since he cancelled his cell.

This forum is literally the only place I feel secure enough to talk about it. That's what my life has suddenly become. I have no close friends anymore. Especially no one I can talk about stuff like this with, or that I feel comfortable enough to.

The issues with her are the same. Different goals in life, wanting different things out of a relationship. They're all important things, but I didn't fucking care. From the first God damn time she seduced me till right this God damn second, she's all I wanted. Well, mulling it over in words now, I'm starting to tear up, so I guess I'm not all dead.

Fuck, the worst part is I can look out my window right now and see she's still sitting in her truck in front of my house crying.

This is probably close to the longest post I've ever made here. God damn I'm succinct.

I'm gonna go lay down.[DOUBLEPOST=1437613683,1437613618][/DOUBLEPOST]Oh she pulled away. Good, I don't know if I could have waited any longer to go back out there.
 
CynicismKills

CynicismKills

I get where you're coming from, Frank, outside of emotionally vomiting in this thread occasionally I don't really have anyone else to talk to about things. Don't have any friends left in town, and the ones that aren't here are more just acquaintances at this point. I was at least a decade older than anyone at my last job, and the people in my classes are around that age too. It's hard to make friends at this age and in this town, though more and more lately I'm realizing I'd rather just spend my day alone anyway, as it's easier than bothering to put myself back out there.
 
Frank

Frank

CynicismKills said:
I get where you're coming from, Frank, outside of emotionally vomiting in this thread occasionally I don't really have anyone else to talk to about things. Don't have any friends left in town, and the ones that aren't here are more just acquaintances at this point. I was at least a decade older than anyone at my last job, and the people in my classes are around that age too. It's hard to make friends at this age and in this town, though more and more lately I'm realizing I'd rather just spend my day alone anyway, as it's easier than bothering to put myself back out there.
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It's not that I don't have friends, it just wasn't until recently that I came to the realization that other than my MIA best friend, I don't have any real close friends.
 
Tress

Tress

Made a big mistake, looked like a stupid asshole in front of a neighbor and my girlfriend, now I feel like shit. I just want to crawl into a hole right now.
 
PatrThom

PatrThom

Frank said:
I want to get together with all of you and drink light, fruity beer until the only feeling that is left is vomit. The vomit emotion.
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Ok, but only if it's Purple Haze.
If I catch you drinking decent beer until you vomit, I'm gonna charge you with alcohol abuse.

--Patrick
 
Frank

Frank

Man, all I want to do is sleep, but when I lie down and try to turn off my brain, all I get is a flood of misery.

FAHKING EMOSHAAAAHNS.
 
Frank

Frank

Woo, spent most of the night acting like a heartbroken teenager. Sitting back in my lounger, crying and listening to loud ass melodramatic music.
 
Bubble181

Bubble181

What's with the long relationships ending this week? Jeeze. Always welcome to taste some good fruity crap beers here and drown your sorrows, though I imagine it's a bit too far to come.
 
Null

Null

Adam said:
I'ma just not gonna talk to my gf this week after reading this thread :confused:
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which, in the manner of all steps meant to avoid fate, will result in:

"What's wrong, Adam? I thought things were going so well and then you just stopped talking to me. I don't understand you...(blah blah blah)...I don't know if I can do this anymore."
 
Adam

Adam

Null said:
which, in the manner of all steps meant to avoid fate, will result in:

"What's wrong, Adam? I thought things were going so well and then you just stopped talking to me. I don't understand you...(blah blah blah)...I don't know if I can do this anymore."
Click to expand...
 
figmentPez

figmentPez

Staff member
And, on top of all my other problems, my computer desk just broke. The keyboard tray just fell off and I can't even attempt to fix it while I've got a broken hand. Hopefully someone I know is handy enough to at least kludge together a solution.
 
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