Rant VIII: The Reckoning
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Saga concluded...and he wrote me a new prescription which he screwed up again. At least this time in my favour. He wrote it for the double strength pills. I'm chilling with Bob Ross...
If Bob Ross is wrong, I don't want to be right....
Those trees are fucking happy.
That show is hypnotizing.
In-laws due in Friday. Last two times my wife was around her father he hurt her neck. And yet we still play this fucking charade every time they visit and I'm so fed up with this shit. But if I say or do anything, I'm the one in fucking trouble, even though he is physically abusive. I'm so enraged I want to just storm off for the weekend, but then there's no one to play dutiful obedient bodyguard. The only thing I can do is passive aggressive shit like talk slow and boring so he'll get impatient and want to leave earlier. He shouldn't be allowed here at all, but I have no say in it apparently and how I feel about it is fucking irrelevant. She has such a low opinion of herself that I'M the odd one for giving a damn, while her family's opinion that she deserves to be treated like shit is "normal" and she doesn't want to rock that boat and upset anyone.
I'm so angry I'm shaking, but I guess that's just a fucking quirk of mine!
Can't wait for Monday.
I'm so angry I'm shaking, but I guess that's just a fucking quirk of mine!
Can't wait for Monday.
Fuck dude. If he gets aggressive and physically abusive, call the fucking cops. What a piece of shit. I'd be a raging inferno too. It's your house and she's your wife. Forget passive aggressive. Take the shitty abusive dick-wade aside and let him know that if he lays a hand on her then you'll send him packing and he won't be welcome back.
Fuck. Why am I pissed off now?!
Who is this and is he on Netflix??[DOUBLEPOST=1490191376,1490191225][/DOUBLEPOST]He would have something to say about Bob Ross...
You're more than welcome to come here for the weekend and then they can visit your place alone.
Seriously though, that's outrageous. Call the cops next time. There's no excuse for that! I'm so sorry that you have to deal with that.
That's Bill Alexander. Bob learned the technique that Bill invented, and took over his time slot on PBS.
Bill was much more entertaining, he was a very bombastic German teaching you how to oil paint.
There might be some stuff on youtube. No, he has a lot of stuff on youtube.
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What would happen if you just refused to allow them in your house?
I told her that. She'll be angry with me for stirring up trouble. It's the same shit as why this perpetuates at all, because friction will upset her grandparents and she says they're too old for that
So it's okay with them that she gets physically injured but not okay for her to end contact with her father.
She doesn't want me to say anything, A. because peace is then disturbed, and B. he loves conflict and it'll egg him on. Because her mother says he can't handle being responsible for his actions, and honestly my wife is no better about it.
When people are bad for you, you cut them out of your life. That makes sense. Shit like this is so irrational.
She can't stop me from acting/saying how I want or stepping in, but I know she'll be a wreck over it and I'm trying to be the one person in this scenario that cares about her.
As for calling the police, this is why I have to play bodyguard. He doesn't do this shit if I have eyes on, but he's had 30 years of practice on her for sneaking it in. Both her parents gaslight that she's a liar and because her father is apparently a toddler, even when my wife was little her mother would set her as the "instigator" as if a child was responsible for the violence of a grown man.
I'm so sick of playing this stupid fucking game. I don't genuinely know how she'd react if I just stopped putting up with it, but I know she won't be happy about it.
That's a tough situation. Sorry man.
Will leaving the house as a group help? Most abusers won't pull that shit in public.
Good luck. Rant away on here to blow off some steam.
Will leaving the house as a group help? Most abusers won't pull that shit in public.
Good luck. Rant away on here to blow off some steam.
Thanks.
The time before last was in Panera when he put her in a headlock while I was outside. I didn't find out what went on until she and I were in her car alone. I cannot leave her side this weekend.
A
Anonymous
Anonymous
When my wife and I were newly married we were all sitting around watching a movie at Thanksgiving and my FIL casually reached over and grabbed my wife's leg right by the kneecap and squeezed. It looked by all effects to be just an affectionate gesture but when I found my wife later crying I asked about it. Apparently he'd always been abusive and I wasn't aware. She showed my her leg which was already turning to a bruise. I saw red. I marched right upstairs and got in his face. Now, my FIL is a very large and imposing man and he told me, "You'd better back down. Now." My response? "Fuck you. You hurt her. That kind of shit will never fucking happen again or you will never see any of us ever again." I then packed up my family and we left.
YOU are her husband. If you don't stand up for her, who will? Dad needs to learn that there are consequences to his actions. If that means cutting out mom, boo fucking hoo. Would there be uncomfortable feelings? You damn betcha. Nobody lays a hand on my wife or kids without taking me out first.
And I'm only doing this anonymously because I don't want my wife to know I told about this.
YOU are her husband. If you don't stand up for her, who will? Dad needs to learn that there are consequences to his actions. If that means cutting out mom, boo fucking hoo. Would there be uncomfortable feelings? You damn betcha. Nobody lays a hand on my wife or kids without taking me out first.
And I'm only doing this anonymously because I don't want my wife to know I told about this.
It sounds like she's already used to having her feelings overridden, so better you than her father. And better she be temporarily upset with you than continued to be abused. Maybe this is a situation where you have to be the bad guy.
Patton Oswalt had a brilliant riff on that guy.
I'm glad that worked with your wife. In my case I said exactly that about protecting last night and she said "it's not your job to protect me." Fuuuuck me. She doesn't want it because she's so used to it, she just sees it as the way it is. But ...
Maybe you're right.
I used to think just getting her out of there would be enough. And then there have been several opportunities to cut things. It should've been over when she last visited and twisted her neck. Or during the navy yard shooting when she was in lockdown and he, knowing her life was in danger, called her office phone to bitch that he hadn't gotten an anniversary card from her yet. Or when I first had her move out here in the first fucking place. And now it's been eight years to the day and this still hasn't stopped.
Well, I'm not gonna hurt him. Not a lot of sympathy for a 31-year-old guy who hits a 70-year-old.
That's another nutso thing in this--she outweighs him. If she bumrushed him, she could knock him flat. But once those psychological/emotional hooks get in, they stay in, and so he does those subtle things like anonymous mentioned to hurt her. He's the kind of abuser whom to everyone else is disarmingly polite, good at charming people into believing he's not an absolute scumbag.
I don't know yet if I'm going to have another conversation with my wife tonight or just figure out my own shit and run with that.
Yeah, but how often do you get to fight an old man?
Fallout part 2: two members of my department have handed in their notices. They didn't say specifically that it's directly because of this change, but they did both previously express misgivings about this change, so this change could have easily been the straw that broke two camels' backs.
Losing 40% of the department in one fell swoop is gonna add significantly to the workload of everyone else, on top of the extra management and coordination tasks everyone now has to do, which means more people might be driven to leave now, which means AARG.
Talked to my wife a little. She essentially made a speech about how neither of us are to upset the status quo because she will never forgive herself if in some way it in some way difficulties here affect her grandparents, that she'll be furious if I cause problems. Essentially told me to make myself scarce if I can't behave.
I'll go about things her way for now, though it still pisses the hell out of me, but if he starts shit, he leaves. No discussion; out.
I'll go about things her way for now, though it still pisses the hell out of me, but if he starts shit, he leaves. No discussion; out.
I'd set up hidden cameras, send anything damning to a lawyer, then have a sit down with him.
"Here are some videos which clearly show illegal abuse. Here is a notebook recording all the physical abuses and abusive comments that you performed this last visit. My wife doesn't want me to get involved, and she doesn't want you to get into trouble. So here's the deal. If you ever hurt her again, these videos and this log go straight to the police. The lawyer already has copies and instructions in case I'm unable to deliver them myself. I don't care that she accepts your abuse. I don't care what you think about your abuse. You can argue with me until you're blue in the face, but if you don't want those videos to end up in the police's hands, then your hands had better not ever hurt my wife again. She may hate me the rest of my life if you get put in jail due to your abuse, but at least there you won't be able to touch her again, and that's all that I care about right now."
He's used threats his entire life, he should know one when he sees one, and since he avoids such things when you are around it shouldn't be too hard to explain boundaries, but be explicit when you do - you don't want her wondering why he's stopped hugging her, some physical contact will be necessary.
You'll still have to be by her side 24/7 when he's around, though.
Search amazon for "nanny cam" - lots of inconspicuous products (smoke alarm, coat hook, picture frame, usb charger, etc) for $20-$70. Requires a bit of babysitting and work, but I suppose it's better than decking him and facing an assault charge each time he hurt her.
Oh, and if he's staying at your house you might want to consider kicking them out to a hotel or something. Signs of an insect infestation, or broken pipe in the ceiling, ceiling lamp or fan that won't turn off, bed springs poking through mattress top, etc, etc would be worth the trouble if it reduced contact between them and your wife by 2-3 hours a day in the evening and morning.[DOUBLEPOST=1490296117,1490295535][/DOUBLEPOST]Oh, also buy the same items as the nanny cams that aren't cams but look the same. Before you approach him remove all the cameras and replace them with normal objects. He may try to rat you out and use a camera as proof, which would certainly hurt your relationship with your wife. Make sure he doesn't leave with any of the videos or log, and don't show him everything you have on him. Imply that you also have photographs of the bruising and copies of xrays that go along with the packet.
"Here are some videos which clearly show illegal abuse. Here is a notebook recording all the physical abuses and abusive comments that you performed this last visit. My wife doesn't want me to get involved, and she doesn't want you to get into trouble. So here's the deal. If you ever hurt her again, these videos and this log go straight to the police. The lawyer already has copies and instructions in case I'm unable to deliver them myself. I don't care that she accepts your abuse. I don't care what you think about your abuse. You can argue with me until you're blue in the face, but if you don't want those videos to end up in the police's hands, then your hands had better not ever hurt my wife again. She may hate me the rest of my life if you get put in jail due to your abuse, but at least there you won't be able to touch her again, and that's all that I care about right now."
He's used threats his entire life, he should know one when he sees one, and since he avoids such things when you are around it shouldn't be too hard to explain boundaries, but be explicit when you do - you don't want her wondering why he's stopped hugging her, some physical contact will be necessary.
You'll still have to be by her side 24/7 when he's around, though.
Search amazon for "nanny cam" - lots of inconspicuous products (smoke alarm, coat hook, picture frame, usb charger, etc) for $20-$70. Requires a bit of babysitting and work, but I suppose it's better than decking him and facing an assault charge each time he hurt her.
Oh, and if he's staying at your house you might want to consider kicking them out to a hotel or something. Signs of an insect infestation, or broken pipe in the ceiling, ceiling lamp or fan that won't turn off, bed springs poking through mattress top, etc, etc would be worth the trouble if it reduced contact between them and your wife by 2-3 hours a day in the evening and morning.[DOUBLEPOST=1490296117,1490295535][/DOUBLEPOST]Oh, also buy the same items as the nanny cams that aren't cams but look the same. Before you approach him remove all the cameras and replace them with normal objects. He may try to rat you out and use a camera as proof, which would certainly hurt your relationship with your wife. Make sure he doesn't leave with any of the videos or log, and don't show him everything you have on him. Imply that you also have photographs of the bruising and copies of xrays that go along with the packet.
The main danger I would point out here is that while secretly recording video of guests in your home is legal (though no idea if maybe there are some weird state laws that say it isn't) doing so for the purpose of blackmail is not. That would be something for a court to decide, and it gets fuzzy.
Blackmail and extortion usually require intent to obtain money, services, or get gain. First, I'm not sure this would fit the definition (depends on the state) since what you're hiding is a crime. Second, though, if he went to the police to report blackmail you'd rightly have to reveal the full nature of the material, and a secondary charge against him would be made. It's likely that this would temper any case made against you.
That said, hiding a crime might be just as bad. You could be considered an accomplice if, for some reason, this becomes pertinent in the future and it's discovered that you knew your wife was being abused, had evidence, and chose not to report it. In cases of domestic abuse only victims of abuse are rarely prosecuted for not reporting abuse (ie, an abused mother with knowledge that her child is being abused might not be charged for not reporting). This may be the greater danger - but the reality is that this is already occurring.
Each state and country has different laws regarding extortion and blackmail, though, and whether the law says it's wrong or not, I'd say it's clearly morally wrong. But if you've come to accept the existing rules your wife has made for you which force you to accept the abuse, I would weigh the two very carefully against each other and have to choose the lesser of two evils.
For me, protecting my wife would be my higher priority, but I would consult with a lawyer to understand my legal culpability and options if anything goes awry. Not that I'd have the money, but I can't protect anyone from jail.
Keep in mind, though, that I'd simply record and report, regardless of what my wife says. As described it's obvious she's in no position to make good decisions about her abuse, and, to employ a bit of dark humor, it's not like she'd actually leave me if she truly were so easily cowed by a 70 year old man. It would also very neatly excise that part of her family (as well as give others the strength to change their lives).
She may hate me, but her life would be better.
I don't know if there are kids involved, but having them see her this way would be very damaging psychologically as well.
I simply wouldn't put up with it, even against her wishes.
My man, we're on the same wavelength on this.
I don't want to keep harping on this subject, because I know it's a hard place to be in and people armchair reporting what you should do only adds to the stress, but I will say this. If she doesn't hold a grudge against her father for years of mental and physical abuse, what are the odds she'll hold a grudge against you?
Some people's familial relationships are, and will always be, stronger than even their marriage relationships. Particularly, I suspect, when abuse is an issue.
I don't think there's a good answer for this or any other similar situation. I wish there were.
I'm not doing illegal shit. I'm pretty much my wife's caretaker. I need to be present.
To me, the simple solution is for him to be gone, period, but obviously off the table.
We had another talk tonight and set up some ground rules on what's going on. Still not happy, but at least we're on something more like the same page.
To me, the simple solution is for him to be gone, period, but obviously off the table.
We had another talk tonight and set up some ground rules on what's going on. Still not happy, but at least we're on something more like the same page.
