I just see the same pattern emerge in all of these stories, and people fall for it. Abusers will float the idea that "it could be you getting accused next!" as a way to get people on their side and against their accusers. And in the rare case that an accuser -is- lying, it usually comes out, see: Amber Heard.
It's not as rare as you would think. Worse yet it's even rarer when a female false accuser gets caught. And even rarer still if that caught female accuser gets any kind of justice thrown back at her.
As Gas mentioned I have first hand experience: I think this will be the first time I mention this openly here (and I do hope it doesn't harm the opinion all of you, who I have come to think of wonderful friends, have of me), but I was accused of domestic violence by my ex and it did not go well for me.
I had been going through years of mental/emotional/and even physical abuse by that woman. I never cheated on her in the time we were together and yet she made me feel that I had done so hundreds of times just by being nice to people of the opposite sex (a trip to Universal Studios was ruined because I was asked by two women to use their phone to take their picture in front of a costumed character we were all in the same line for). She made me suffer through 6 long-term affairs while gaslighting me to think that I was either paranoid, a creep, or directly to blame for the affair (even locking me out of our own phone bills because I was using it to "creep on her"). She went out of her way to keep me busy during the day running errands for her so, along with my overnight job, I was constantly sleep deprived and living on 2-3 hours of sleep a day. Constantly berating me our entire marriage. Never having nice things to say. Never supporting me. "I'm not calling you names. I'm only calling you an asshole because it's true, Shawn!"
She started making it clear that she was setting me up as an "abuser" early, and I blame myself for not having the strength to walk away from her when I should have. One time, after I wouldn't drop the idea that she was having an affair (I had texts, emails, and even caught her in several lies), she started slapping me over and over again. I grabbed her wrists in self defense to hold back her arms. I was informed a few days later that she was showing small bruises on her wrists to my friends and telling them that I did that. I couldn't even walk away from arguments because she would physically block the door with her body, screaming out in pain as if I had just broken her arm if I even tried to push her out of the way (to gaslight me to think I actually was abusing her and loud enough so the kids could hear). I couldn't even get my fingers in the door to pry it open because I knew she'd have no hesitation slamming the door on them hard enough to sever them. The women literally kicked our bedroom door hard enough, busting the frame, just to get to me because I had locked myself inside to flee from an argument.
My worst mistake was in October of 2018. She had been having an on-and-off again affair with a guy at JPL where they worked. He was in TV production so he had access to almost anywhere on campus, so they were having sex in unused offices in the campus pretty much on a daily basis. I had already exposed the affair once that year by involving the guy's wife. But the signs were there that she was continuing the affair with him, just being more careful this time around (I think by this time his wife was leaving him so they just doubled down on stuff since his relationship was no longer a factor). Of course Sarah was gaslighting the hell out of me on this one (She usually would until I caught her so red handed that she'd finally admit it). That particular afternoon in October I made the dumb choice to try and grab her phone from her and catch her in the act of texting him (she locked me out of her phone and was using snapchat to delete the texts so grabbing it when it was unlocked was my only way to accomplish that). I'm sure the explanation behind my choice to do this was the combination of being sleep deprived (to an unhealthy level) and what I later learned is a real thing called "reactive abuse". We played tug of war over that phone for a while. She was kicking and biting me during it, but I kept my focus on just trying to jerk the phone from her.
I don't, to this day, feel that I was justified or excused for doing that, regardless of how I avoided physically harming her in the process. But I do vividly remember my desperation and hurt that was going through my head. I remember that the entire ridiculous point of that whole thing, was to find something on her phone that she'd actually have to admit to, as if she actually would anyway. I could show that woman texts between her and a lover, talking about how great the sex was the night before, only to be told that those texts were faked for my benefit so I "could be a better husband". I knew it was happening. For some damn, stupid reason I wanted her to admit it was happening too.
I was successful in getting the phone, and left the house with it. Little did I know at the time, but she called the police on me. A few days later (On Halloween in fact) I was called by a Sheriff to turn myself in. I did so. I was arrested, put in the system for the first time in my 38 years of my life at the time, and spent a day in jail. They never asked me any questions about the incident. Never even asked me my side. I showed up at the station and they just arrested me. My ex told the police that during the fight I dislocated one of her fingers (which of course she "relocated" before speaking to them). I was bailed out by my parents. Sarah claimed she was trying to bail me out but "couldn't figure out how". Found out later she just spent the day at work with the guy she was having the affair with.
We had to begin our separation process pretty much immediately after that. An automatic criminal restraining order went into place. Sarah could have gone to request to have it removed at any time but (despite gaslighting me into thinking she was trying) she never bothered. She savored this new control over me. CPS got involved due to the incident but they determined that Sarah and I were only abusive to the kids due to the consistent verbal arguments between us when the kids were around (mostly Sarah yelling at me for things I never did, but how do you explain that to anyone?). She was even using CPS's involvement to get me to comply with her demands even more ("They don't want you seeing the kids") despite the fact that CPS told me the exact opposite (you SHOULD see the kids as much as possible) and finding out that they only kept the case open for a while because they could sense Sarah wasn't cooperating much.
The sheriff's office decided to go forward with the charges. I got a lawyer but only had enough to get me to the point of a plea deal. He recommended we go to a jury trial as the evidence was so non-existent, but I was scared of both just never being in this situation before and that Sarah was going to take the kids from me if I fought the charges. So I stupidly plead no-contest to the charges. A required 3 year restraining order went into effect (just for Sarah. Not the kids). And I was required to take 52 classes for domestic violence offenders for the next year.
I'll be honest: That class was probably one of the best things that could have happened to me in the wake of things. I mean I don't know if everyone was in exactly similar situations as me (I'm sure there were a few people there that were actually terrible abusers of their spouses) but I learned that my plight wasn't rare. A lot of the class even centered around not letting someone else's abuse cause you to react to it. I gained the knowledge of how to walk away from an abusive relationship. I even learned one of my favorite life lessons there: "It's not your fault that you were treated how you were. But it is your responsibility how to act".
I had perfect attendance to the class and had passed in exactly one year. Though the restraining order remained in effect for the full 3 years I was able to expunge my conviction after 1.5 years due to my dedication (even the DA was like "we have no reason to dispute his request for expungement").
But to this day Sarah has never been held accountable for her part in things. She's completely alienated me from seeing my step-kids, and (as most are aware) she makes seeing my own daughter one of the most challenging things in my life. So far she claims that pretty much every boyfriend she's ever had before me was abusive. Even the guy she ended up marrying recently. She dated him in high school and claimed he physically cut her on her legs and arms. Pretty sure now that that was bullshit too. I don't even think he's aware she made those accusations against him.
I will never believe that women are not the most common demographic who will be the victims of abuse in relationships. But I do believe that we live in a society that has empowered women to speak out so much that we believe them even when they are lying. Each claim of abuse should be investigated properly on a case-by-case scenario. But right now the police are too pressured to do anything but respond with the mindset that a domestic violence dispute between a man and a woman must be the man's fault. My ex is not as unique as people would hope. There are plenty of narcissistic women out there who are with beta-male type guys entirely because they know they can manipulate and push them around. We can't treat every toxic relationship like this is the case... but I wish we could be prepared for it to be the case just the same.