Co-parenting with my ex.

Shawn

Shawn

The most satisfying part of today was that S was called out on a lot. Mostly by the minor's council but at least one time in particular by the Judge. S was never directly accused of alienation, but it was certainly implied that could happen if H didn't start answering the calls and going to the visits. The Judge even told her that if Hailey continues to refuse spending time with me that the Judge would have to force a change of custody.

S made a pretty crazy claim today, stating that she has massive PTSD from me because apparently on a nightly basis, after our separation, I was breaking into the house to beat and rape her. It was so bad according to her, that is why J moved into the house: to stop me from doing that. And she was so grateful for him doing that, that she "gifted" him a baby via invitro. She said that in front of H lawyer, my lawyer, and myself.

Tonight was the first phone call I had with H. It was the first time she and I have talked in 3 months. The minor's council was on the phone with us and managed to get a little bit more interaction out of H than I was capable of. With her lead I was able to get a few "how are things?" questions answered by H. H was trying to end the call fairly early however. She kept saying "I don't feel comfortable. Can I leave now?" a few times. The council was able to stall her a bit for me. It was on the awkward side but it was so wonderful to hear from H again.
 
Last edited:
Shawn

Shawn

First visit with H was last night. I'm still required to do the monitored visits so I paid for a two hour block. We met at a restaurant that she likes.
H avoided eye contact with me. Occasionally she had a nervous smile. I noticed her fidgeting with the napkins and chopsticks so I provided her a coloring book and markers which let her focus the energy into something creative. I asked a lot of questions about school, soccer, her hobbies. I only received quick answers between 1-3 words each and at a voice level so quiet I had to ask for her to repeat a lot. I pulled out our riddle book, which she absolutely enjoyed doing with me four months ago. If I asked her a riddle she knew the answer to she'd quickly say it without emotion. If she didn't know it she'd just say "I don't know" without even thinking about it or ask for hints like she would used to.
About 30 minutes in she asked to go to the bathroom. The monitor left with her. About five minutes later they came back and the monitor said that H really wanted to go home and asked if she had my permission. I said "ok" and let them head out. Right before they left I told H that I loved her and that I was really really trying to fix our relationship. She nodded and left.

I feel like I'm at a huge disadvantage with H. Regardless of any progress I make I still have to contend with S souring my relationship on the other end. I don't even feel I can properly defend myself against claims of her mother that H repeats because I'm not allowed to say her mother is just lying to her. Even the monitored visits makes me feel confined, and I'm sure it's not making H any more comfortable either. I don't know what's ok for me to say. I feel like I just need to dance around our actual problems as if we can move on without them being addressed properly. And then how would address them like I'm not just dismissing her concerns? I'm in no way perfect but the list of things H "remembers" from back when she was three-four years old are pretty exaggeratingly detailed for distant memories.

I'm hopeful the therapy, when it starts, will be better. It might take a few weeks for that to happen though, as her therapist wants to ease her into those sessions first. I don't know what they will entail but I hope H and I can at least talk about how we can move forward.

Meanwhile, I'm quickly leaching through the loans I've taken because someone made the determination that I should have to pay to see and fix things with my daughter.
 
Last edited:
Shawn

Shawn

Everything between my last post here, and Friday, has been a hot mess of anxiety. We tried another monitored visit the following week and H just ignored me for 30 minutes and then asked to leave. Phone calls weren't much better. After being told by the judge last time that H actually needed to stay on the phone with me for a period of time the script changed: Now H will not talk to me for exactly 5 minutes before saying "I'm feeling awkward in this conversation" and hang up.

Friday though... Friday was something joyful and validating.

In custody court my daughter's council reported that her investigation has lead her to believe that there is no credible reason why H has turned a complete 180 in her relationship with me since May, outside of her mother's influence.
She stated that H uses adult words to describe why she hates me, such as calling me "emotionally abusive" but can't correctly define emotional abuse. She says she recalls vivid memories of times when I was physically abusive to her and her mother many years ago, but can't recall any specific details such as where I hurt them or even what time of day it was. She thinks that H is motivated by the desire of making her mom happy.

S responded by basically calling the minor's council a liar, stating that she misquoted H, H's therapist, and herself. Things went downhill from there for S.

My lawyer had an opportunity to speak finally, and he was locked and loaded. He turned six years of a co-parenting nightmare into a three minute speech that kept our Judge hooked on every word. The icing on the cake, was pointing out that my ex had submitted screen shots of my texts to J and E as evidence back in May. The screenshots showed that their contact names for me were "Fucktard" and "Don't Speak to Me Without My Wife ;)". And these are the same phones they hand to H to take my calls. The Judge checked this evidence and got super livid with S, roasting her for a few minutes. The Judge even used the term "Parental Alienation" which is not something you hear in court often. Even my lawyer said later that he never wants to use that term first in court, as it carries a very heavy claim of child abuse with it. So if you use it, you best have the evidence. The Judge absolutely told S that this sounded a lot like parental alienation.

My lawyer argued for full custody, but in the end the Judge went with the minor's council's recommendation. We will maintain monitored visits, but only to ensure H goes on the visits. The Judge cleared me of any wrong doing and made it clear that she agreed with the lawyer that H may not go on the visits initially without a monitor to encourage her. My ex and I will be splitting that cost. S is also going to be splitting the therapy costs with me, and is ordered to see our therapist separately.

If H's relationship with me does not improve, or there is any more evidence that S is sabotaging that relationship, the minor's council will back our request for a custody change.
 
Last edited:
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top