Co-parenting with my ex.

GasBandit

GasBandit

Staff member
Far said:
I don't know anything about shared custody but is this not a violation of it? Keeping her from you and keeping you from speaking with her?
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She's manipulative. She'll poison his daughter against him, then use manipulated out-of-context data and conversations to get lawyers and judges to side with her. It's a really shitty situation. The sad fact of the matter is that aside from a few rare victories, fathers are at the mercy of the mothers for access to their kids, usually.
 
Far

Far

GasBandit said:
She's manipulative. She'll poison his daughter against him, then use manipulated out-of-context data and conversations to get lawyers and judges to side with her. It's a really shitty situation. The sad fact of the matter is that aside from a few rare victories, fathers are at the mercy of the mothers for access to their kids, usually.
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I understand that but I guess I just assumed that was only in situations where custody hadn't been already court decided. This seems to be going directly against court orders. I don't know enough about the exact ruling but it would seem like if she's able to just keep Hailey without ever allowing him any visitation, or anyone else independent confirming that these are actually Hailey's wishes, then what is the point of having had the ruling to say he does get visitations. If he can't have them enforced it seems futile. So sorry you're put in this situation @Shawn .
 
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Shawn

Shawn

Basically I am in a predicament.
I have a set visitation enforced by the court that is set in stone. I could enforce it but then I open myself up to Sarah not being flexible about other things such as being willing to change the day of a visit. For example I have Hailey 1 entire week during her Christmas break, from Sunday 10am to Sunday 10am. This year Christmas falls on a Sunday and this is Sarah's year to have Christmas with Hailey, so I have requested the week with me be the next Wednesday to the following Wednesday. This is also beneficial for me because it allows for cheaper flight rates since I plan to take Hailey to Colorado this year and it allows us to not have to fly back on New Years Eve. If I start enforcing the visits she is going to say "Sorry. Sunday to Sunday because that's what's in the stipulation". She is petty like that.
My solution right now is telling her that I am expecting to keep Hailey overnight on Sunday unless I hear directly from Hailey herself.
 
Shawn

Shawn

I have emailed Sarah the following.

Sarah, I am retiring the previous two threads to combine them here as they deal with the same matter. I am letting you know that I will be enforcing both my dinner visit tonight and an overnight Sunday visit on the 14th. These are due to me not receiving my regularly scheduled visits the previous week, which was a decision that you made without my input ahead of time. After this makeup dinner tonight, and the overnight on Sunday we will carry on the following week in our normal schedule. With a dinner on the 19th and a regular Sunday visit on the 21st. You wish Hailey to be able to have choices and I agree up to a point. Her visits with me are important and are non negotiable. However Hailey has many choices during the visits such as what we do, what we eat, etc. She is 9 years old and you should not be letting her decide if she wants to see me or not. This needs to be an established part of her routine, just like school, her therapist, sports, etc.
 
Ravenpoe

Ravenpoe

Shawn said:
I have emailed Sarah the following.

Sarah, I am retiring the previous two threads to combine them here as they deal with the same matter. I am letting you know that I will be enforcing both my dinner visit tonight and an overnight Sunday visit on the 14th. These are due to me not receiving my regularly scheduled visits the previous week, which was a decision that you made without my input ahead of time. After this makeup dinner tonight, and the overnight on Sunday we will carry on the following week in our normal schedule. With a dinner on the 19th and a regular Sunday visit on the 21st. You wish Hailey to be able to have choices and I agree up to a point. Her visits with me are important and are non negotiable. However Hailey has many choices during the visits such as what we do, what we eat, etc. She is 9 years old and you should not be letting her decide if she wants to see me or not. This needs to be an established part of her routine, just like school, her therapist, sports, etc.
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This is a good approach.

I know you want to be able to be flexible but with someone like this you can't. Stick to the court appointed schedule and enforce it. There is no room for friendly negotiation with someone that operates in bad faith, and by this point you have to assume everything she does is in bad faith.
 
Shawn

Shawn

We had a parents meeting with Hailey's therapist today. I admit I was concerned she was going to try and recommend that I let Hailey choose visits, as Sarah has been claiming that the therapist has been telling her. However I was relieved when the therapist instead brought up that she is in no way involved with court ordered visitation. She told us that all that is important is making Hailey comfortable, even if it is comfortable doing something that she may not want to do such as visitation. However, it doesn't seem that Hailey is uncomfortable with it at all, despite Sarah's claims. In fact the therapist mentioned that Hailey likes the consistency of it and is absolutely fine so long as there is a schedule (which there is).
Sarah did not like that. At one point the therapist asked her to be open about her feelings ("because I can see you seem frustrated and want to say something") and Sarah basically told her that she was wrong and that it is not okay to make Hailey do something she doesn't want to do. Sarah cussed quite a bit. Told the therapist that she doesn't know anything because Hailey lies to her all the time about things and then comes tell Sarah the truth after the sessions. Etc.
I just stayed quiet on that one. When it was my turn to speak I just asked her about something I could do differently during my visits, which she answered, and we ended the session on time and both of us quickly logged out of the video chat without saying anything to Sarah.
It was intense. We didn't accomplish much honestly with the session, but I do think the Therapist has a better idea of what I'm dealing with.
 
Shawn

Shawn

Today is my usual Friday dinner with Hailey where we spend 2 and a half hours together. I am not seeing her on Sunday as we alternate Holidays each year. So I made plans for us to decorate gingerbread cookies today. I bought everything we needed, spending about $100 and took the time to make the cookies in advance yesterday. I wake up today and find an email from my ex saying she "forgot" about a family planned event tonight and that Hailey will not be making the dinner.
 
GasBandit

GasBandit

Staff member
Shawn said:
Today is my usual Friday dinner with Hailey where we spend 2 and a half hours together. I am not seeing her on Sunday as we alternate Holidays each year. So I made plans for us to decorate gingerbread cookies today. I bought everything we needed, spending about $100 and took the time to make the cookies in advance yesterday. I wake up today and find an email from my ex saying she "forgot" about a family planned event tonight and that Hailey will not be making the dinner.
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That sucks. And I'm sure you don't need me to tell you to document it for the lawyers.
 
Shawn

Shawn

I was able to see Hailey tonight. I called her out on her bullshit and she backpaddled immediately, though not without trying to single me out as the problem.
While she can be very frustrating, I am thankful that Sarah cannot hide her machinations and difficult nature very well.
I don't have to explain a situation and hope someone will believe my side of things. I just have to show them texts and emails and let them make judgement calls on their own.


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Shawn

Shawn

On Sunday I attended Hailey’s piano recital. I didn’t sit next to her as she already had Stepdad #1 and a friend from soccer sitting on both sides of her.
Hailey played wonderfully. I’m so very proud of her. After the recital I went up to her and let her know how wonderful she was. She didn’t respond at all. She didn’t even look up. It didn’t seem to be mean spirited. Usually she’s reserved around me when anyone from Sarah’s cult is around, only speaking to me when I speak to her first. But nothing at all on this one. As they were getting in the car I told her “I won’t see you next weekend so Merry Christmas!”. Again no response and no acknowledgement of me even existing. I’m certainly hurt and confused. I’ll talk to Hailey in a constructive way when I have her alone again. Hopefully I can understand what she was feeling at the time.

The responsible and adult part of me also wants to reach out directly to Stepdad 1 and at least talk to him about Hailey’s lack of response and also his own lack of response to that.
But my ex is not a responsible adult, and as she would inevitably hear about my discussion I feel she would do her best to make things even harder for me going forward.
 
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Shawn

Shawn

My daughter has soccer games every weekend usually, including the alternate weekend that I don’t have her. Sarah doesn’t typically send me information on these games, because she’d much rather I not come. So I have to ask for them.
Yesterday morning I emailed Sarah for the game times this weekend and never heard back. Tonight at 7, when I dropped off Hailey after dinner I asked Sarah and her husband to please send me the times.
An hour later I hadn’t heard back from them so I texted “Apologies for bothering you. May I request the game times and addresses before it gets too late?”
She responded by replying to my earlier email with the times (one of which is a game that was in 12 hours at the time of the email) and claiming that my impatience was unwarranted.
Was it?
 
Simfers

Simfers

There was no impatience on your part. This is her game, she's trying to make you doubt yourself. Don't. You did nothing wrong here.
 
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Officer_Charon

Officer_Charon

I regret that I've not been a part of these discussions here - I might have been able to weigh in something, but as usual the rockstars here at Halforums appear to be steering you correctly.

Re: the most recent update, this appears to just be yet another in her long history of gaslighting you into doubting yourself and your actions. She can't bait you if you don't bite at it.

You've done amazingly under some pretty nasty circumstances. She appears, through what you've shared, to be the stereotypical divorceezilla. In spite of her worst efforts, your daughter still wants to be around you and visit you regularly. She talks - hell, she communicates better with you than my daughter does with me, and we're all together! - and she doesn't appear to be succumbing to the propaganda.

Keep on trucking, dude. You've got a solid support network, and you seem to be plodding a steady course. Don't let her try and get in your OODA loop - you're doing the right thing, and it's not "BAD MAN" behavior to want to stay in your daughter's life within the provisions that were given through the courts. Stay the course, hold the line. She'll love you all the more for it when she's old enough to fully comprehend just how hard you've fought for her.
 
Shawn

Shawn

Officer_Charon said:
I regret that I've not been a part of these discussions here - I might have been able to weigh in something, but as usual the rockstars here at Halforums appear to be steering you correctly.

Re: the most recent update, this appears to just be yet another in her long history of gaslighting you into doubting yourself and your actions. She can't bait you if you don't bite at it.

You've done amazingly under some pretty nasty circumstances. She appears, through what you've shared, to be the stereotypical divorceezilla. In spite of her worst efforts, your daughter still wants to be around you and visit you regularly. She talks - hell, she communicates better with you than my daughter does with me, and we're all together! - and she doesn't appear to be succumbing to the propaganda.

Keep on trucking, dude. You've got a solid support network, and you seem to be plodding a steady course. Don't let her try and get in your OODA loop - you're doing the right thing, and it's not "BAD MAN" behavior to want to stay in your daughter's life within the provisions that were given through the courts. Stay the course, hold the line. She'll love you all the more for it when she's old enough to fully comprehend just how hard you've fought for her.
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I appreciate that very much. Thank you. Everyone here has indeed been very supportive.
 
drawn_inward

drawn_inward

Is there not another source for this info? Coach? School website? Other parent? I wouldn't want rely on her for anything and give her any sort of power.
 
Shawn

Shawn

drawn_inward said:
Is there not another source for this info? Coach? School website? Other parent? I wouldn't want rely on her for anything and give her any sort of power.
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I talked to the coach on Saturday and did get added to the app. Initially my ex told me only one person each family could have access to the information via a site, but not only was that false I found out that access to the app allows you to add other family members to have access.
Which is a good thing I did. This next weekend there is a tournament in San Diego (which requires a two hour drive) that apparently I was only going to be told about by Sarah no earlier than Thursday.
 
Celt Z

Celt Z

Shawn said:
I talked to the coach on Saturday and did get added to the app. Initially my ex told me only one person each family could have access to the information via a site, but not only was that false I found out that access to the app allows you to add other family members to have access.
Which is a good thing I did. This next weekend there is a tournament in San Diego (which requires a two hour drive) that apparently I was only going to be told about by Sarah no earlier than Thursday.
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Just out of curiosity, are they using Teamsnap?
 
blotsfan

blotsfan

Shawn said:
Initially my ex told me only one person each family could have access to the information via a site, but not only was that false I found out that access to the app allows you to add other family members to have access.
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I’m sure you’re aware, but you should probably just assume that everything you’re ex tells you that makes your life harder is a lie.
 
Shawn

Shawn

Celt Z said:
That's good news. Once you've made an account, you'll basically be able to follow her from now on. All of the organizations around here use it, and as long as they know your registered, you should get every update.
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Hailey is also with the AYSO team this year. Sarah has yet to give me that info despite asking for it. I’m assuming the app only allows you access to other team info if you are invited to it?
 
Celt Z

Celt Z

Shawn said:
Hailey is also with the AYSO team this year. Sarah has yet to give me that info despite asking for it. I’m assuming the app only allows you access to other team info if you are invited to it?
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If you reach out to the coach, they can add you. Usually the coaches will add anyone on the registration. I don't know if your ex will include your info when she registers Hailey, but that's the best way.
 
Shawn

Shawn

Got a call from Child Protective Services today. Hailey is fine, and Sarah isn’t trying to claim I did something this time surprisingly. Apparently it has something to do with my step-boys. The agent couldn’t give me much on the specifics. Just asked me a few questions and assured me Hailey and the boys were fine. So not sure what it’s all regarding.
The boys are 13 now. I haven’t seen them going on 6 years.
 
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Shawn

Shawn

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So this came out of nowhere tonight.
Sarah was assistant coach on Hailey’s soccer club team. Hailey and the team really showed a lot of improvement over the year and I have been so proud of them.
She loved playing and never wanted to miss a single game whenever possible.
This feels like a big set back. Sarah didn’t get the control over the team like she wanted and now it feels like shes punishing Hailey for it.
Back when we were still married she signed the boys up for boyscouts and joined a local troop. Sarah wanted to be an assistant troop leader and was given the opportunity. Shortly after she kept making a lot of complaints to me that the troop wasn’t using a lot of her ideas. Eventually she decided to leave the troop and start her own, with the boys as its first scouts.
This is the first I heard that anyone had issues with her coaching. But she can’t hide that narcissistic need to control things of hers for long I suppose.
I need to talk with Hailey tomorrow. Hopefully I can ask her some appropriate questions to help her express how she truly feels about this. She was so bonded with that team this is a real shame.
 
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Shawn

Shawn

Got fed up and probably made a mistake tonight.
A week ago I found out that Sarah submitted Hailey's last name as her married name onto the TeamSnap app for her new soccer club team. I edited it to her proper last name after.
I texted her husband and asked him to not allow that to happen anymore as it was crossing a line. It's his name after all and Sarah wouldn't listen if I told her directly. He said the coach clearly assumed that was her last name and entered it himself.
Tonight she sent me a bill for some soccer equipment she ordered for Hailey. The order form showed Hailey (married last name) as the recipient.
I texted Erik again with a screenshot of the name, asking him to cease and desist. He lashed back.
My response, I regret, was sending him a text chat of myself and another of Sarah's exes discussing how we know Erik from the violent stories that Sarah told us back when we were each dating her.
His response of course was to call me a liar.
In response to that I texted John several of the texts Sarah sent me the first few months they were dating. Including discussing a nude she sent me, how she was only settling for John, and how she would tell him she never planned to marry anyone again if he ever asked.
He also responded with a Fuck you message, calling me a liar and abusive.
Not my brightest move. I guess I shouldn't have expected it would ever go as well as I hoped. They are just as messed up mentally as I was when I was with Sarah.
I'm leaving it at that. Both of them have demanded I not contact them again so I'm going to do so.
I guess a harassment claim could come of this but not sure how much water it will hold. I sent some screenshots of chats, and some texts with just context of those chats. Never threatening. Never aggressive in tone. Just facts.
But I still regret it now with the responses that I got.

I have contacted my lawyer about the last name thing. I'm going to insist on some kind of cease and desist from him to her so its on record.
 
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Shawn

Shawn

Sarah sent an Ex Parte notice yesterday to my lawyers stating she is seeking full legal custody and no visitation to me. She didn’t specify her reasons on the form but it’s likely due to a recent CPS investigation on yet another disturbing yet bogus claim she made that I’m sexually abusing Hailey during my visits.
Lawyer is on it and doesn’t seem concerned.
but it’s a reminder of how much I hate my ex.
 
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