Co-parenting with my ex.
- Thread starter Shawn
- Start date
I assumed based on your previous response but didn't want to just go off without the caveat that I'm aware we're only hearing one side of this in case that wasn't the case.
The conversation continued...
Me: "Please point out the areas in this message where I replied with defensiveness, threats, deflections or poor communication."
- Insert-
Her: " There is no passive aggressiveness I am stating fact. I had to cancel plans that I had for Hailey as I had made vacation plans for the same week. You did not confer with me and made plans with your parents and work prior to talking to me so she was removed from those plans. As for the mid week visitations she can not do week long activities as she will now be with you every other week. Those are fact. You can not twist that into a false reality. I have stated that I will look for some other activities that may fit with her going back and forth. As for breaking out all the statements recently that are defensive, threats, deflections, and poor communication I believe that this would prove worthless as this is something that is not acknowledged or something that will never change. Thus it is not worth my time or energy. I have stated that I dislike the lack of co-parenting, that I am unhappy that I work very hard to adapt to your schedule, wants, and demands and when concerns are expressed there is no communication. At this point there is nothing more worth saying if that behavior will not change. "
Me (Pending):
"I really don't know how to move forward with you. You claim that you want to co-parent but you show absolutely no interest in doing so.
As an example let us use my request for a vacation week with Hailey. Copy and pasted directly from that thread:
Why do you interpret my requests as if they are aggressive, difficult and/or threatening when they clearly are not?
I put in a request for a vacation with Hailey more than three months ahead so we could work together and find the right time. At no point have you discussed Hailey's schedule with me about anything. If this week was the one bad week this year you should have replied with "We made some plans with Hailey. She's doing _insert activity here_. Sorry about that. How would _insert other week here_ work?"
A phrase like that shows that while a certain day/or days doesn't work you are at least trying to work with me to find one that does.
In most cases where I ask for a day and it's busy you just say "We're busy". You don't suggest anything, so then I have to suggest another schedule. Then you say you're busy again, and then I have to make another suggestion. That's not co-parenting; you're just making me guess your schedule instead of just telling it to me.
It would be even better co-parenting if you'd actually tell me Hailey's schedule ahead of time. You guys went out of town for a vacation recently and the first I heard about it was from Hailey after-the-fact. You could have easily told me what the plans for Hailey was this summer when you made them, rather than me stumbling over them when I requested my week.
You don't co-parent Sarah. You make me try to guess how you want to compromise and then you claim that I'm being difficult."
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My final message there hasn't been sent yet. I don't know if its properly worded or if I should send it at all. Just getting thoughts from you folks on how I should proceed.
The woman makes me so angry. Being out of the relationship should have meant I never had to deal with these relentless gaslighting arguments from her again.
Me: "Please point out the areas in this message where I replied with defensiveness, threats, deflections or poor communication."
- Insert-
Me: "This appears to be me asking for a compromise when you have already settled on not allowing for one. I also do not appreciate these passive aggressive statements you are making suggesting that Hailey is missing out on fun because she is spending time with me."
Her: " There is no passive aggressiveness I am stating fact. I had to cancel plans that I had for Hailey as I had made vacation plans for the same week. You did not confer with me and made plans with your parents and work prior to talking to me so she was removed from those plans. As for the mid week visitations she can not do week long activities as she will now be with you every other week. Those are fact. You can not twist that into a false reality. I have stated that I will look for some other activities that may fit with her going back and forth. As for breaking out all the statements recently that are defensive, threats, deflections, and poor communication I believe that this would prove worthless as this is something that is not acknowledged or something that will never change. Thus it is not worth my time or energy. I have stated that I dislike the lack of co-parenting, that I am unhappy that I work very hard to adapt to your schedule, wants, and demands and when concerns are expressed there is no communication. At this point there is nothing more worth saying if that behavior will not change. "
Me (Pending):
"I really don't know how to move forward with you. You claim that you want to co-parent but you show absolutely no interest in doing so.
As an example let us use my request for a vacation week with Hailey. Copy and pasted directly from that thread:
The message very clearly gives you opportunities to provide feedback and even asks you to. It asks you if this week is still open for Hailey. It says I am requesting but have not cleared anything with work. The context of the message implying that there is time to change things if you need me to.
Why do you interpret my requests as if they are aggressive, difficult and/or threatening when they clearly are not?
I put in a request for a vacation with Hailey more than three months ahead so we could work together and find the right time. At no point have you discussed Hailey's schedule with me about anything. If this week was the one bad week this year you should have replied with "We made some plans with Hailey. She's doing _insert activity here_. Sorry about that. How would _insert other week here_ work?"
A phrase like that shows that while a certain day/or days doesn't work you are at least trying to work with me to find one that does.
In most cases where I ask for a day and it's busy you just say "We're busy". You don't suggest anything, so then I have to suggest another schedule. Then you say you're busy again, and then I have to make another suggestion. That's not co-parenting; you're just making me guess your schedule instead of just telling it to me.
It would be even better co-parenting if you'd actually tell me Hailey's schedule ahead of time. You guys went out of town for a vacation recently and the first I heard about it was from Hailey after-the-fact. You could have easily told me what the plans for Hailey was this summer when you made them, rather than me stumbling over them when I requested my week.
You don't co-parent Sarah. You make me try to guess how you want to compromise and then you claim that I'm being difficult."
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My final message there hasn't been sent yet. I don't know if its properly worded or if I should send it at all. Just getting thoughts from you folks on how I should proceed.
The woman makes me so angry. Being out of the relationship should have meant I never had to deal with these relentless gaslighting arguments from her again.
I don't know. Will definitely come off as accusing her etc etc. But I definitely understand...
As for vacations out of town without your knowledge - keep close tabs on those. Most states don't allow Co-parents to cross state lines without express written approval of the other Co-parent. It may have been in-state this time, which I still think is wrong, but still. She's the type to take her on a week long cruise without telling you and then saying these trips had never before been a problem so why now blah blah.
As for vacations out of town without your knowledge - keep close tabs on those. Most states don't allow Co-parents to cross state lines without express written approval of the other Co-parent. It may have been in-state this time, which I still think is wrong, but still. She's the type to take her on a week long cruise without telling you and then saying these trips had never before been a problem so why now blah blah.
From what I've seen, I imagine that last message would piss her off. But it's pretty much what I would say under the circumstances.
I can’t picture any message that wouldn’t anger her at the moment.
I’m really sorry that you’re dealing with this. You’ve given a ton of notice and are willing to accommodate. There shouldn’t be an issue this far in advance.
I’m really sorry that you’re dealing with this. You’ve given a ton of notice and are willing to accommodate. There shouldn’t be an issue this far in advance.
I am likely going to go with the following abridged reply instead of the one above.
Me: My request for the week of the 25th was written with clear invitations for you to provide feedback and let me know if the week worked for Hailey's schedule. If it did not you could have informed me of such, the reason why, and provided a suggestion for another week. The dates were only pending (as I stated) and could have been altered. As I had made the request 3 months in advance I felt assured that you would have already informed me of any conflicts that week.
I am confident that the judge will be able to look at all of our messages and identify you as the person being difficult and who is not co-parenting effectively.
But I still have hope that you and I will be able to work together in raising Hailey but that hope is quickly fading the more you resist compromising with me.
You can start making things better by informing me of every event/activity/class/vacation that you wish to schedule Hailey for. You are required to do so anyway, so I don't see why you have been failing to do so to this point.
This will be better than me having to guess your schedule with a request, being told no, and then having to guess again since you don't ever offer suggestions to help compromise.
Me: My request for the week of the 25th was written with clear invitations for you to provide feedback and let me know if the week worked for Hailey's schedule. If it did not you could have informed me of such, the reason why, and provided a suggestion for another week. The dates were only pending (as I stated) and could have been altered. As I had made the request 3 months in advance I felt assured that you would have already informed me of any conflicts that week.
I am confident that the judge will be able to look at all of our messages and identify you as the person being difficult and who is not co-parenting effectively.
But I still have hope that you and I will be able to work together in raising Hailey but that hope is quickly fading the more you resist compromising with me.
You can start making things better by informing me of every event/activity/class/vacation that you wish to schedule Hailey for. You are required to do so anyway, so I don't see why you have been failing to do so to this point.
This will be better than me having to guess your schedule with a request, being told no, and then having to guess again since you don't ever offer suggestions to help compromise.
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Unless it cost you money every time you interact with your lawyer, are you sending all of this to them as it happens or financially would you need to reach a tipping point to where it would be something you'd finally just go all in? Because, dude, the more time your daughter spends under her thumb, the more likely she's gonna be screwed up unless she's old/smart enough to see through mommy's BS.
Costs money every time I interact. I need to make it count.
My problem is I'm currently on a work schedule that doesn't give me much freedom. I work overnights so I'm sleeping during the day usually and working at night. I can't leave her here by herself so overnights with me would be limited to my weekend. And since my weekend usually doesn't involve Friday and Saturday it's not very feasible to have her over mid-week due to school. The above conversation was me trying to get mid-week overnights during the summer.
When this changes (and I'm working on getting a day schedule) and I have better living arrangements I will go back to courts for more confirmed time with her. Honestly I'd like to have 50% physical custody.
I've saved some money and am trying to make plans to take Hailey to Disneyland this summer while the park is on minimal operations.
My biggest fear was always asking Sarah this because well... Sarah. I would likely get a response along the lines of "It would not be okay to let Hailey go to Disneyland when her siblings can't go" or some other BS reason she uses as an excuse. Surprisingly when I asked her if this is something I could plan and maybe get some open availability on my visit hours she said "Ok".
It's not much and it still isn't a yes to a particular date, but it's something.
My biggest fear was always asking Sarah this because well... Sarah. I would likely get a response along the lines of "It would not be okay to let Hailey go to Disneyland when her siblings can't go" or some other BS reason she uses as an excuse. Surprisingly when I asked her if this is something I could plan and maybe get some open availability on my visit hours she said "Ok".
It's not much and it still isn't a yes to a particular date, but it's something.
That's a good start, but I wouldn't put it past her to pull out the rug, either, sadly.
Just out of curiosity, aside from the youngest kids, are Hailey's siblings bio-dad/dads (?) in the picture? Do they at least get some special time with them?
I don’t believe he is. When Sarah and I first got together she was going to court to get him limited visits, claiming he and his family were abusive. She got me to believe that about him too, despite any evidence other than her word (the kids were far too young at the time to add anything). For a while the most he got was monitored visits of two hours a week that he had to pay for since he couldnt pay child support.
Eventually those stopped too.
Sarah told me once that he heard about our divorce and was going back to court about the kids (Sarah asked me if I was working with him. I wasn’t). But so far Hailey hasn’t mentioned anything about the bio dad having visits again.
I don’t know much about him. I know he and Sarah supposedly met in a mental clinic of some kind while they were both staying there late 2000s. He seemed to love the kids but again my interaction was limited per Sarah’s preference.
She just tried very hard to replace me as the kids father.
Now I’m on the other side of that and I am questioning everything.
I wouldn't be surprised if she attempts to sour the trip in some kind of manipulative way. Or announces a "change of plans" at the eleventh hour.
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It's possible. I'm being optimistic but cautious for now.
I had dinner with Hailey tonight. I'm not going to tell her about the trip until we get closer to it (maybe even not until the night before). So far Sarah hasn't said anything to her about it yet which is good.
One thing I thought that was interesting though is that Hailey told me tonight that they were going to Knotts Berry Farm on Tuesday. I have absolutely no idea if this was planned before I let Sarah know about Disneyland or it was as a result of. The timing is certainly odd but Hailey's been to Knotts with them before so maybe it's been something they have been wanting to do again for a while due to COVID. It may be selfish but I do hope that Hailey has her first Disneyland trip with me. They've taken her to so many places since my separation with Sarah that I was loosing hope that Disneyland would be something I could experience with her.
She loves watching the ride perspectives and behind the scene stuff with me. I know she's going to have so much fun with me either way, but that light in her eyes when she sees everything for the first time is going to be precious to me.
I thought an update was in order.
As mentioned on the picture thread my daughter's first time to Disneyland was a great success. She had a great time and even overcame her fear of some of the more intense rides so much that she wanted to do a few of them multiple times. Crowds were manageable and the heat hadn't quite gotten to unbearable levels at that time. She even got singled out a few times by staff members for fun interactions such as an "interrogation" by First Order troops and she got to wake-up the Enchanted Tiki Room. Her favorite rides in order were 1) Space Mountain 2) Thunder Mountain 3) Space Orbiter and 4) Rise of the Resistance.
Sarah, meanwhile, often continues to only do the bare minimum when co-parenting with me. I can't get her to share Hailey's schedules or what Hailey has been up to. I feel I have to always ask permission for things whereas Sarah does as she pleases without even checking with me if I approve. Some examples:
* During our trip to Disneyland I asked Sarah if there was any chance we could stay an extra hour to hit some rides we were likely to miss. She responded with "No. Hailey has a thing tomorrow". I found out later the "thing" was that a the wife of one of John's cousins was taking Hailey to Knotts Berry Farm. The timing of that was suspect of course, and I don't know this person Hailey was going with, but I would have allowed it. Just leaving me out of the loop is just completely vindictive.
* Recently I sent an email going over our visitation schedule for the next two months as I have an overnight planned in the middle of a week and a week-long vacation with her coming up. I just wanted to make sure that what I thought was the schedule was correct and that was how I worded it to Sarah. She read it 10 minutes after I sent it. A week and a half later and she has yet to reply.
My work schedule continues to make things difficult. I still have the dreaded "bartenders" schedule where I am stuck working overnights on Friday and Saturdays. Working overnights with no weekends off will make it challenging to have an overnights with Hailey and it will make it impossible to actually have her live with me any decent percentage of time. To make things even more complicated; my long-time night auditor supervisor has given his two weeks just as we are approaching my week vacation with Hailey at the end of the month. We just hired another night auditor, and thankfully he's a fast learner, but we're either going to have to have him work 7 days in a row or I'm going to have to work a few days overnight during my long-planned vacation week.
On top of that my night audit supervisor has been suspiciously taking frequent "sick days" the last few weeks on my days off, leaving no option but for me to come in to cover. One of these nights was even the night of my trip to Disneyland with Hailey. Hailey and I were able to have a full day that was unaffected by my having to come in, but I had to work an entire shift immediately after a full day of Disneyland AND I had court in the morning that I was expecting to be fully rested for. Luckily my day in court went well regardless.
I've recently had to move and luckily my roommates from my old place asked me to move to their new place with them and continue to be roommates. They have been wonderful and I couldn't ask for a kinder couple to live with. They make quite a bit more than I do and have given me a decent monthly rent for a room in the 4 bedroom home they are renting. They have even made one of the rooms a guest room and have told me that Hailey is welcome to use it any time she is overnight with me. They have said they would like to be on their own at some point but are happy to let me rent there for a year or two so they can save a bit of money. Along with doing my usual share of chores around the house I have offered to dog-sit for them whenever they need.
And one silly personal misstep on my part: I recently bought a shirt with the following design from Turtle Tees. I didn't think anything of it at first. I just kinda wanted to be one of those dorky dads who wears this kind of stuff. I was thinking about wearing it to Disneyland appropriately, but went with my Hades "I'm cool, I'm fine, I'm cool" tee instead. I came to realize that wearing something like that when my daughter has a (basically) step-dad is essentially me just trying to one-up him. I don't want to be that kind of person. Probably is one of those "who cares?" kinda scenarios for some folks but I think too hard about things like that. I'll wear it when I need a shirt when around the house, but not in front of Hailey.
As mentioned on the picture thread my daughter's first time to Disneyland was a great success. She had a great time and even overcame her fear of some of the more intense rides so much that she wanted to do a few of them multiple times. Crowds were manageable and the heat hadn't quite gotten to unbearable levels at that time. She even got singled out a few times by staff members for fun interactions such as an "interrogation" by First Order troops and she got to wake-up the Enchanted Tiki Room. Her favorite rides in order were 1) Space Mountain 2) Thunder Mountain 3) Space Orbiter and 4) Rise of the Resistance.
Sarah, meanwhile, often continues to only do the bare minimum when co-parenting with me. I can't get her to share Hailey's schedules or what Hailey has been up to. I feel I have to always ask permission for things whereas Sarah does as she pleases without even checking with me if I approve. Some examples:
* During our trip to Disneyland I asked Sarah if there was any chance we could stay an extra hour to hit some rides we were likely to miss. She responded with "No. Hailey has a thing tomorrow". I found out later the "thing" was that a the wife of one of John's cousins was taking Hailey to Knotts Berry Farm. The timing of that was suspect of course, and I don't know this person Hailey was going with, but I would have allowed it. Just leaving me out of the loop is just completely vindictive.
* Recently I sent an email going over our visitation schedule for the next two months as I have an overnight planned in the middle of a week and a week-long vacation with her coming up. I just wanted to make sure that what I thought was the schedule was correct and that was how I worded it to Sarah. She read it 10 minutes after I sent it. A week and a half later and she has yet to reply.
My work schedule continues to make things difficult. I still have the dreaded "bartenders" schedule where I am stuck working overnights on Friday and Saturdays. Working overnights with no weekends off will make it challenging to have an overnights with Hailey and it will make it impossible to actually have her live with me any decent percentage of time. To make things even more complicated; my long-time night auditor supervisor has given his two weeks just as we are approaching my week vacation with Hailey at the end of the month. We just hired another night auditor, and thankfully he's a fast learner, but we're either going to have to have him work 7 days in a row or I'm going to have to work a few days overnight during my long-planned vacation week.
On top of that my night audit supervisor has been suspiciously taking frequent "sick days" the last few weeks on my days off, leaving no option but for me to come in to cover. One of these nights was even the night of my trip to Disneyland with Hailey. Hailey and I were able to have a full day that was unaffected by my having to come in, but I had to work an entire shift immediately after a full day of Disneyland AND I had court in the morning that I was expecting to be fully rested for. Luckily my day in court went well regardless.
I've recently had to move and luckily my roommates from my old place asked me to move to their new place with them and continue to be roommates. They have been wonderful and I couldn't ask for a kinder couple to live with. They make quite a bit more than I do and have given me a decent monthly rent for a room in the 4 bedroom home they are renting. They have even made one of the rooms a guest room and have told me that Hailey is welcome to use it any time she is overnight with me. They have said they would like to be on their own at some point but are happy to let me rent there for a year or two so they can save a bit of money. Along with doing my usual share of chores around the house I have offered to dog-sit for them whenever they need.
And one silly personal misstep on my part: I recently bought a shirt with the following design from Turtle Tees. I didn't think anything of it at first. I just kinda wanted to be one of those dorky dads who wears this kind of stuff. I was thinking about wearing it to Disneyland appropriately, but went with my Hades "I'm cool, I'm fine, I'm cool" tee instead. I came to realize that wearing something like that when my daughter has a (basically) step-dad is essentially me just trying to one-up him. I don't want to be that kind of person. Probably is one of those "who cares?" kinda scenarios for some folks but I think too hard about things like that. I'll wear it when I need a shirt when around the house, but not in front of Hailey.
Well, if there's a silver lining to all this, there are certain things you know for a fact:
1)Your ex is unlikely to ever change. The only way you can circumvent her behavior is by having more custody of Hailey. Unfortunately, this is most likely going to have to involve going back to court, and a change of lifestyle for you.
2)You may have to start looking for a different job. I know, I know; easier said than done. But in order to have Hailey, the hours you currently keep won't help you or her. Is there any hope that staying at your current job will open up a spot with better pay and more consistent hours? If it doesn't, it might be a good idea to start looking elsewhere. The good news is you still have your current job, and you have roommates that like having you around. You can look at their "1-2 more years" promise as a good motivator. You now have a deadline, instead of an unpleasant surprise one day.
1)Your ex is unlikely to ever change. The only way you can circumvent her behavior is by having more custody of Hailey. Unfortunately, this is most likely going to have to involve going back to court, and a change of lifestyle for you.
2)You may have to start looking for a different job. I know, I know; easier said than done. But in order to have Hailey, the hours you currently keep won't help you or her. Is there any hope that staying at your current job will open up a spot with better pay and more consistent hours? If it doesn't, it might be a good idea to start looking elsewhere. The good news is you still have your current job, and you have roommates that like having you around. You can look at their "1-2 more years" promise as a good motivator. You now have a deadline, instead of an unpleasant surprise one day.
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I'm going to be looking for a new job in the meantime, but I'm mostly making this a 1-2 year plan. I had to recently take a loan out from my 401k to pay off my credit card debts. The loan is paid off in 2024 but if I leave my job earlier I will be required to pay the loan back immediately. There are day positions at the hotel in departments that only work Monday through Friday such as reservations, sales and accounting. Personally I'm very well suited for accounting but those positions start at hourly and do not pay what I need right now. The other departments are the same or require experience that I do not possess. The hotel controller position would be a position that I feel I could quickly pick up, but the current controller doesn't appear interested in leaving any time soon (he's been at the hotel longer than I have).
Finding a new job will be the best next option. But timing will be important too.
Finding a new job will be the best next option. But timing will be important too.
Last week I had one of my week vacations with Hailey. I get two a year. This time my parents were able to travel from Colorado to visit, which was a big deal as they had not seen Hailey in person for over three years. My parents stayed at the hotel I work at and we kept to local attractions such as Universal Studios and the Aquarium of the Pacific. It was a great week and Hailey had a lot of fun.
I received the usual "concerns" email from Sarah this morning.
1) Due to necessity Hailey and I shared a queen size bed one night while we stayed over with my parents at the hotel. I had boxers on and she was in full pajamas. Hailey never asked to sleep on the floor. I also know that she seemed to sleep just fine because I was the one up most of the night due to being too far from the A/C in the room. Sarah also never had an issue with this if it were a necessity in the past either. Just another one of her "You're the ex so NOW it's a problem" situations. Next time I'm just sleeping on the floor.
2) No idea what she's referring to here.
3) Hailey never asked to call Sarah. If she had I would have let her have a private phone call. I also confirmed with my parents that the never asked them either.
4) This is the one that pisses me off the most. Hailey never expressed any desire to go home early and said she had a lot of fun with us. Sarah alienated me from Hailey for a year and substituted her boyfriend John as Hailey's father almost immediately after our separation. After about a year and a half of regular visits we are just now getting to her being comfortable calling me "dad" again instead of "Shawn" and we're still working on her ability to tell me she loves me using words. If anything Hailey claiming she's not comfortable with a week is indication that she needs to spend MORE time with me.
I am her Father, and despite all of Sarah's comments, accusations, and even calls to the police and child services over things that didn't even occur at my place, I am a good, supportive and caring father with plenty of witnesses who will back me up on that claim.
A year and a half ago when I took Sarah back to court to get proper visits with Hailey (after she grossly abused the "by mutual agreement" wording of our first stipulation) she took me aside and said "I wish we could have been friends" and I agreed with her thinking it was still a possibility. It's been clear to me now for a while that what she meant was "I wish you would walk away from Hailey's life and leave her all to me.".
I received the usual "concerns" email from Sarah this morning.
Both I and my parents are livid. Especially about items 1 and 4.
1) Due to necessity Hailey and I shared a queen size bed one night while we stayed over with my parents at the hotel. I had boxers on and she was in full pajamas. Hailey never asked to sleep on the floor. I also know that she seemed to sleep just fine because I was the one up most of the night due to being too far from the A/C in the room. Sarah also never had an issue with this if it were a necessity in the past either. Just another one of her "You're the ex so NOW it's a problem" situations. Next time I'm just sleeping on the floor.
2) No idea what she's referring to here.
3) Hailey never asked to call Sarah. If she had I would have let her have a private phone call. I also confirmed with my parents that the never asked them either.
4) This is the one that pisses me off the most. Hailey never expressed any desire to go home early and said she had a lot of fun with us. Sarah alienated me from Hailey for a year and substituted her boyfriend John as Hailey's father almost immediately after our separation. After about a year and a half of regular visits we are just now getting to her being comfortable calling me "dad" again instead of "Shawn" and we're still working on her ability to tell me she loves me using words. If anything Hailey claiming she's not comfortable with a week is indication that she needs to spend MORE time with me.
I am her Father, and despite all of Sarah's comments, accusations, and even calls to the police and child services over things that didn't even occur at my place, I am a good, supportive and caring father with plenty of witnesses who will back me up on that claim.
A year and a half ago when I took Sarah back to court to get proper visits with Hailey (after she grossly abused the "by mutual agreement" wording of our first stipulation) she took me aside and said "I wish we could have been friends" and I agreed with her thinking it was still a possibility. It's been clear to me now for a while that what she meant was "I wish you would walk away from Hailey's life and leave her all to me.".
I checked on the "First right of refusal" comment and it's the right for a parent to say no to a babysitter and care for the child herself.
The context here is that I gave Hailey permission to stay overnight with her visiting grandparents at their hotel on 2 nights that week. Hailey had asked and I wanted her to bond more with them anyway.
Sarah's need for control means that even in that case I need to clear it with her ahead of time.
The context here is that I gave Hailey permission to stay overnight with her visiting grandparents at their hotel on 2 nights that week. Hailey had asked and I wanted her to bond more with them anyway.
Sarah's need for control means that even in that case I need to clear it with her ahead of time.
It's only a "right" if it's in the divorce decree. If it's not, tell her to pound sand.
It’s in there so I was technically in violation. But that’s clearly not what that clause is meant to be used for.
Your ex sound so much like my first wife. Every time you tell stories, I feel a lot of sympathy for you. Good on you for stepping up to do the best parenting you can in spite of it.
My daughter tried out for the Rosebowl Aquatics pre-swim team Rose Buds and got accepted. Yay!
Classes are either Mon/Wed/Fri 6pm-7pm, Tues/Thur 6pm-7pm, or Sat/Sun 1pm-2pm.
Here is the problem: My ex says that the aquatics center wants Hailey to take the Sat/Sun class in particular.
Sunday is my one full day with Hailey. 10am to 7pm. (the other day is every other Friday from 4:30pm-7pm for a dinner).
I drive 25 miles just to pick up Hailey (my ex drives a block for comparison). The aquatics center is another 10-15 miles further in that direction.
Basically I'm looking at a 25 mile drive to pick up Hailey, 25 miles back to my place for a few hours, then 35 miles to her class, then 35 miles back to my place for a few more hours and then 25 miles to drop Hailey off and finally 25 miles back to my place. Or 170 miles in a single day.
I can off set this by remaining in the area for the few hours before and after the class, but our options of what we can do will be very limited.
We would not be able to do any full day activities like the zoo or Universal Studios (I purchased year passes for Hailey and myself) because of the class in the middle of the day like that. If it were at the beginning of the visit or the end that would be workable.
Knowing my ex I feel she is the type of person who would pick Sunday BECAUSE it is my day with Hailey. While the aquatics team offers weekday classes she has informed me that they want Hailey to take the weekend classes in particular, but never provided a reason why.
I have asked Sarah to try and schedule Hailey for the weekday classes on the grounds that Sunday is my only day with her. If she chooses the Mon/Wed/Fri schedule I would be happy to take Hailey to her class on my Friday dinners with her. I could even assist with other days during the week if needed. I am sure my ex will attempt to guilt me into Sundays still.
I have also directly contacted the Rosebowl aquatics center to ask them directly for pricing and why they apparently recommended Sat/Sun for Hailey. I cannot trust Sarah to provide me with accurate information (for example she told me it was $660 for a two day class when the site says $600).
Obviously part of being a parent is the errands in getting kids to and from events, etc. Despite the distance and cost of gas I am willing to assist with that on appropriate days. But am I selfish to feel that my Sundays with Hailey should not be disrupted by this class if there is another option?
Classes are either Mon/Wed/Fri 6pm-7pm, Tues/Thur 6pm-7pm, or Sat/Sun 1pm-2pm.
Here is the problem: My ex says that the aquatics center wants Hailey to take the Sat/Sun class in particular.
Sunday is my one full day with Hailey. 10am to 7pm. (the other day is every other Friday from 4:30pm-7pm for a dinner).
I drive 25 miles just to pick up Hailey (my ex drives a block for comparison). The aquatics center is another 10-15 miles further in that direction.
Basically I'm looking at a 25 mile drive to pick up Hailey, 25 miles back to my place for a few hours, then 35 miles to her class, then 35 miles back to my place for a few more hours and then 25 miles to drop Hailey off and finally 25 miles back to my place. Or 170 miles in a single day.
I can off set this by remaining in the area for the few hours before and after the class, but our options of what we can do will be very limited.
We would not be able to do any full day activities like the zoo or Universal Studios (I purchased year passes for Hailey and myself) because of the class in the middle of the day like that. If it were at the beginning of the visit or the end that would be workable.
Knowing my ex I feel she is the type of person who would pick Sunday BECAUSE it is my day with Hailey. While the aquatics team offers weekday classes she has informed me that they want Hailey to take the weekend classes in particular, but never provided a reason why.
I have asked Sarah to try and schedule Hailey for the weekday classes on the grounds that Sunday is my only day with her. If she chooses the Mon/Wed/Fri schedule I would be happy to take Hailey to her class on my Friday dinners with her. I could even assist with other days during the week if needed. I am sure my ex will attempt to guilt me into Sundays still.
I have also directly contacted the Rosebowl aquatics center to ask them directly for pricing and why they apparently recommended Sat/Sun for Hailey. I cannot trust Sarah to provide me with accurate information (for example she told me it was $660 for a two day class when the site says $600).
Obviously part of being a parent is the errands in getting kids to and from events, etc. Despite the distance and cost of gas I am willing to assist with that on appropriate days. But am I selfish to feel that my Sundays with Hailey should not be disrupted by this class if there is another option?
Naw man, fuck that if you can avoid it. When you talk to Rosebowl, I'd definitely mention the travel distance. But if it turns out there's good reasons for Sat/Sun, at least you'll have stories to tease your kid when she's older and has her own kids.
If it was anyone but your ex, I would say there was most likely a reason they'd recommend a Sat/Sun. But we all know your ex likes to be petty for petty's sake, so following up with the Rosebowl people is a good idea. And frankly, it shows good co-parenting if you're following up directly. A lot of times the scheduling falls to "mom" and dad's just go along. Since you want to be involved in Hailey's life and activities, speaking to the Rosebowl people directly shows you're taking an active role. You don't even have to mention it's because your ex is unreliable; just that you want to know how it's being run, and what can you do for Hailey.
Sarah informed me there is a waitlist for the weekday classes. That they recommend the sat/sun classes because ,despite them all being the same level, the class has students more at her pace, and the water is warmer in the middle of the day. She also added that she could put Hailey on the wait list but she would feel bad if Hailey started in the sat/sun class and moved after she already made friends.
If there is a wait list I feel we should be on it. If it means I take Hailey there while she’s on the wait list then so be it. But the other reasons are minimal in my opinion.
I will still be verifying with the aquatic center on these facts.
If there is a wait list I feel we should be on it. If it means I take Hailey there while she’s on the wait list then so be it. But the other reasons are minimal in my opinion.
I will still be verifying with the aquatic center on these facts.
Been dealing with some court related stuff with Sarah and I've had to go through a bunch of texts from the last few years. I came across this one that I thought I'd share in its entirety and see what people thought of it. I don't know if anyone in this group is a therapist but I would love to see what they thought about it in particular.
This conversation occurred just a few months after our separation. I could go into context but I'd honestly just like to see what people think from just the conversation itself.
Me: What's up?
Her: Someone touched me again at work. In a way I didn't like.
Me: I'm sorry. That's awful.
Her: It happens. I feel gross and am deeply unhappy right now.
Me: I'm sorry that happened. I know you hate that such a thing happens to you frequently. I'm devastated for you. I know you don't like my advice as it's not relevant so I'm not going to give any. I'm here if you want to talk about it though. I'm sorry. I know John (her boyfriend) is being supportive.
Her: Yeah. He's actually being very sweet. Not accusing me of cheating. Just truly hearing me and understanding. I was terrified to talk to him based off your reactions. But all was okay and I cried for a good 30 min. My ass still hurts but at least I'm ok. And the guys a total fucktard.
Me: Did he rape you?
Her: Yup in the butt.
Me: Oh my God. I'm so sorry.
Her: Meh. Shit happens. It just was not nice. I don't feel good. I'm sad and will get over it shortly but feel crappy. Lmao. Too many ass puns for butt rape. (laughing emojis)
Me: I'm really sorry. Stuff like that shouldn't happen at all. I hope you're okay.
Her: And I talked it over with John. Don't want to go to her cause I start my new job in 2 weeks.
Me: I didn't understand that (Her message confused me. I didn't know who "her" was.)
Her: Yeah ppl were like right outside the door laughing, talking about work. No idea what was going on. HR.
Me: I hope you are okay. Let me know if you need anything.
Her: I feel sick and shut down.
Me: Don't forget you are a good person.
Her: I'll get over it I'm sure. This one was harder than any other though for some reason. Have to process why.
Me: It is awful regardless. Please be okay.
This conversation occurred just a few months after our separation. I could go into context but I'd honestly just like to see what people think from just the conversation itself.
Me: What's up?
Her: Someone touched me again at work. In a way I didn't like.
Me: I'm sorry. That's awful.
Her: It happens. I feel gross and am deeply unhappy right now.
Me: I'm sorry that happened. I know you hate that such a thing happens to you frequently. I'm devastated for you. I know you don't like my advice as it's not relevant so I'm not going to give any. I'm here if you want to talk about it though. I'm sorry. I know John (her boyfriend) is being supportive.
Her: Yeah. He's actually being very sweet. Not accusing me of cheating. Just truly hearing me and understanding. I was terrified to talk to him based off your reactions. But all was okay and I cried for a good 30 min. My ass still hurts but at least I'm ok. And the guys a total fucktard.
Me: Did he rape you?
Her: Yup in the butt.
Me: Oh my God. I'm so sorry.
Her: Meh. Shit happens. It just was not nice. I don't feel good. I'm sad and will get over it shortly but feel crappy. Lmao. Too many ass puns for butt rape. (laughing emojis)
Me: I'm really sorry. Stuff like that shouldn't happen at all. I hope you're okay.
Her: And I talked it over with John. Don't want to go to her cause I start my new job in 2 weeks.
Me: I didn't understand that (Her message confused me. I didn't know who "her" was.)
Her: Yeah ppl were like right outside the door laughing, talking about work. No idea what was going on. HR.
Me: I hope you are okay. Let me know if you need anything.
Her: I feel sick and shut down.
Me: Don't forget you are a good person.
Her: I'll get over it I'm sure. This one was harder than any other though for some reason. Have to process why.
Me: It is awful regardless. Please be okay.
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I'm really confused here. Is she implying John raped her? Or someone at work? Because if it's the latter, it sounds like it went from "touched inappropriately" to raped. There's a lot of mixed information in this.
What the fuck did I just read? She was brutally raped at work and went back to work. And did I read that right, did that happens multiple times before? Is that why I acted like that's just a normal thing?
She claimed she was raped at work. And yes, with the same concern as if someone had stolen her lunch from the break room
fridge.
Sarah claimed rape at wherever she was working at least few times during our marriage. Always never wanted to do anything about it. Always just treating it like a mild annoyance than anything else.
Truthfully I stopped believing her quickly. With all that I know now it seems clear they were false claims for attention. And with all the confirmed affairs she had during our marriage I wouldn’t be surprised if a few of the “rapes” were her admitting to an affair without having to actually admit it. My reaction to her claims were always more important to her than anything else.
fridge.
Sarah claimed rape at wherever she was working at least few times during our marriage. Always never wanted to do anything about it. Always just treating it like a mild annoyance than anything else.
Truthfully I stopped believing her quickly. With all that I know now it seems clear they were false claims for attention. And with all the confirmed affairs she had during our marriage I wouldn’t be surprised if a few of the “rapes” were her admitting to an affair without having to actually admit it. My reaction to her claims were always more important to her than anything else.
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