Shawnacy Please remember the following, and refer to it often: what happens to you, you have to deal with; what you do with what happened to you, everyone else has to deal with.
Your wife is someone who is alone a lot (not a lot of close friends/no friends), she is someone who spends a lot of her time with the kids (had 2, now a third with you if I'm remembering correctly), and doesn't work (chronic pain).
Having or not having relationships is something of a choice. Oh, she's been burnt, cheated on, abandoned. That sucks; I sympathise. Been there. What happens to you, you have to deal with; what you do with what happened to you, everyone else has to deal with. i.e.: She does have to deal with the pain of abandonment; she
doesn't have to inflict it on you through paranoia (but that's what she is choosing to do).
She had children. She does have to deal with the responsibilities of kids (and obv, you do too), but she has decided that she cannot do it without you: "If you are not working, you should be helping me with the family stuff." Wait, but she is the one who signed them up for activities. What happens to you, you have to deal with; what you do with what happened to you, everyone else has to deal with.
She started suffering chronic pain and became unable to work. What happens to you, etc, etc, bored yet? Don't be, because this is key. What she does with her chronic pain is make you responsible for her lacking life outside the home. What she does with happens to her, everyone else [this is you!] has to deal with.
Her life outside the home was already pretty vacant
when you got there. This is something that happened to her, and she had to deal with; what she's done with it, you have to deal with.
She has done the wrong thing with it. Now you are dealing with the consequences, and they're hurting you.
One of the more terrifying things about this, is how perfectly logical and validating this is to her, mentally. She doesn't see herself as doing anything wrong, and here is why: she believes she is a victim. She is a victim of abandonment, she is a victim of chronic pain, she is a victim of no social life; she doesn't see any of these things as things she has control over. She is wrong.
1) Abandonment: maybe she was abandoned, I don't know. Here's what she can do, and oh boy, it's a doozy. Forgive those people. I am not kidding. Hate, resentment, anger, frustration, sadness: these are death, they will
ruin her life because she will always feel justified in being paranoid about the people around her (e.g.
you)
2) Chronic pain: you yourself have suggested this could be psycho-somatic. I'm not gonna google articles on it right now, but there seems to be a recurring suggestion of this in my brief gaze. Hm. She might really feel pain, dear god, I don't doubt that, but the question could be "Is she feeling pain because she's lying to herself with this 'victim' persona?"
3) No social life: for some reason, there are people who don't view this as a decision. You have a fair bit of power in meeting people. It can be hard, but you do have to take an active role. But, it's easier to believe you can't, that people don't like you/will leave so what's the point/etc. This is tied to the abandonment, for if she wants to have a healthy social life, she has to solve that one.
Here's why this is irrefutably logical to her:
If/when you see this as too unhealthy to sustain, and you get a separation or divorce... then
bam you just validated her victim persona. I mean,
you didn't, but that is how she will see it, and she will reinforce her identity, never seeing how the person who isolates her
is her.
I can't tell you what to do. I don't know. She has to turn this shit around. Come back. Give up being a victim. It's not who she is. At least, it doesn't have to be.[DOUBLEPOST=1367283343][/DOUBLEPOST]Also of interest... you are required to help her take care of the children, you are also required to help her
be a child (you must accompany her when her mother's about). Hm.
