(Our) national politics are beyond borked. International politics are beyond fucked in many different ways at once. My facebook feed is more and more becoming a toxic cesspit overflowing with bile being thrown left and right. My work situation is going nowhere. I'm having doubts about my relationship, and I'm torn between "ask her to marry" or "break up with her", which in the end translates to "just keep going the way it's going now". My apartment's falling apart around me, and I have neither the skills, nor the time, nor the money, to fix it or have it fixed. My friends have all moved on to marriage and kids, leaving conversation dry and rare, and only about kids. My cluster headaches are only getting worse. My back pain's flaring up all over again. I can't sleep, and when I do, I have nightmares. When I wake up, I'm still tired, but in the evening, I don't want to go to sleep because that just means tomorrow's closer by, and I already know tomorrow's going to suck just as much as today.
I'm physically, emotionally, mentally, completely empty. Every single different part of my life, in whatever way I look at it, is either just staying the same and a boring rut, or is actually slowly getting worse all the time, with no means of improving them except by letting other things slide even faster down the drain. Bleh. There's nothing left I really take pleasure in, there's nothing left I enjoy ding, there's nothing I take pride in or that makes me feel useful, there's nothing that makes my life meaningful or worth it and I'm frankly getting fed up with trying. I have an upcoming vacation and while I really do need a break, even that is something I'm not at all enthusiastic about - all I can look at is the different arguments I'll have packing and getting ready, the pressure of trying to think of what I've forgotten, the annoyances and pressure of trying to be where I need to be when I need to be there, having to rely on others I can't actually trust to come through, the frustrations and burden of having to be the one my girlfriend relies on to "know" everything about stuff she's unfamiliar with (like I know where the restroom are! I've never even been to this continent, let alone airport! How should I know?! Oh, and the arrows are pointing that-a-way, honey)...
A few days ago I spent some 8 or 10 hours playing computer games -the first time in months I got to do that - and even that just felt hollow and useless, replaying an old game for comfort's sake because I can't invest myself in something new.
I need to change things, I need to work on fixing some parts to maybe go forward in others, slowly, and I need to just not look at everything as all that horrible all the time, because there's plenty of good things in the world. They just either seem insignificant, not for me, or bittersweet at best, at the moment.
I may not be feeling great at the moment.