The bar peed on the floors? How did it manage that?
Rant VIII: The Reckoning
- Thread starter Anonymous
- Start date
-
- Tags
- boat people
invite in 100 drunk frat boys.
"Oh you're depressed again? Have you tried not thinking about it?"
OH MY GOD
THANKS, TIPS
I HADN'T REALISED I WAS JUST SUPPOSED TO STOP THINKING ABOUT IT
"Maybe it's because you're not dating?"
YES
WHY HAVE YOU NEVER GIVEN THIS SAGE ADVICE BEFORE
YOU SHOULD FOUND A RELIGION
ALL MEANING AND EMOTIONAL STABILITY COMES FROM BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP
"Hm, why won't my code compile?"
HEY WHY DON'T YOU TRY NOT THINKING ABOUT IT
IF THAT DOESN'T WORK
YOU COULD ALWAYS TRY
GOING
AND
FUCKING YOURSELF, YOU GODDAMN INATTENTIVE USELESS SHITSUCKER
OH MY GOD
THANKS, TIPS
I HADN'T REALISED I WAS JUST SUPPOSED TO STOP THINKING ABOUT IT
"Maybe it's because you're not dating?"
YES
WHY HAVE YOU NEVER GIVEN THIS SAGE ADVICE BEFORE
YOU SHOULD FOUND A RELIGION
ALL MEANING AND EMOTIONAL STABILITY COMES FROM BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP
"Hm, why won't my code compile?"
HEY WHY DON'T YOU TRY NOT THINKING ABOUT IT
IF THAT DOESN'T WORK
YOU COULD ALWAYS TRY
GOING
AND
FUCKING YOURSELF, YOU GODDAMN INATTENTIVE USELESS SHITSUCKER
I got news last night that my mom had taken a turn for the worse and was readmitted to the hospital with shortness of breath. She's having a procedure today as the surgeon's last attempt to try to fix the problem. Tumors on the diaphragm and stomach are causing rapid fluid buildups.
This morning, though, I think my body just finally had enough. Couldn't go to work, couldn't do anything, and I just feel physically and emotionally broken down. I don't even know what's wrong with me right now, I just don't feel up to anything, but there's still so much that people count on me to do.
This morning, though, I think my body just finally had enough. Couldn't go to work, couldn't do anything, and I just feel physically and emotionally broken down. I don't even know what's wrong with me right now, I just don't feel up to anything, but there's still so much that people count on me to do.
I think I need dental work, but I have no coverage.
For all of my life, I've had this one tooth near the front on my lower jaw that juts way out. It's never been a big issue, aside from sometimes biting the inside of my lip accidentally when chewing (that's a very rare occurrance). Years ago, a dentist said they could remove it and give me braces on my lower jaw. Everything would straighten out pretty well., they said.
Lately, it's been a bit more of a pain than usual. It's like food gets stuck in the little alcove that it creates. And it's causing me a little bit of pain. Nothing excrutiating, but noticeable.
But of course, I have no coverage. So I'm stick with this.
For all of my life, I've had this one tooth near the front on my lower jaw that juts way out. It's never been a big issue, aside from sometimes biting the inside of my lip accidentally when chewing (that's a very rare occurrance). Years ago, a dentist said they could remove it and give me braces on my lower jaw. Everything would straighten out pretty well., they said.
Lately, it's been a bit more of a pain than usual. It's like food gets stuck in the little alcove that it creates. And it's causing me a little bit of pain. Nothing excrutiating, but noticeable.
But of course, I have no coverage. So I'm stick with this.
@ThatNickGuy - I'm still in debt because of a dental procedure I had 6yrs ago that wasn't covered... I feel your pain. At one point, literally.
I'm sorry I have no means to make things better right now. All I can offer is to click "hugs." I hope it is a start.
I paid about $1800 to get a crown, and that was after the insurance paid the rest. It took almost 2 years to pay it off, and right near the 3 yr mark, I had to have it out anyway. Extraction cost me about $70. Soooooo wish I'd known more before.
--Patrick
Check and see if there are any local dental schools that take patients. Even if they don't accept any new "regulars" they usually have hours for walk in emergencies, if you just need the tooth pulled. I had 2 wisdom teeth removed on the same day at NC school of dentistry 2 years ago. It was $180.
MARY, JESUS, AND JOSEPH IN A WOODEN CANOE!!!!
I put in for a lateral transfer in my agency, and my local HR clerk sent an email to me to verify that I got the information from other HR department... and C.C.ed my supervisor.
IT IS NONE OF HIS DAMNED BUSINESS!!!!
He's vindictive and I don't need him retaliating if I don't get this job.
I put in for a lateral transfer in my agency, and my local HR clerk sent an email to me to verify that I got the information from other HR department... and C.C.ed my supervisor.
IT IS NONE OF HIS DAMNED BUSINESS!!!!
He's vindictive and I don't need him retaliating if I don't get this job.
One of my uncles just succumbed to brain cancer.
Blah.
Funeral next Friday.
Blah.
Funeral next Friday.
I was originally going to be a groomsmen at one of my best friend's wedding. I dropped out because I was depressed about how fat I've gotten in the last year or two and haven't been able to get rid of it. I have so many pairs of pants that I can't even fit into anymore. My friend being the amazing guy he is completely understood and had a back-up plan in case any groomsman had to drop out, having his future brother-in-law step in.
Today was the day of the wedding. I was still going to the reception, at least (it was a small wedding, so not many guests). But I couldn't sleep at all last night. Lately, I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping, unable to even get tired until 6 or even 7 in the morning. Which happened again last night. Which meant I couldn't get up for 11 AM today to go with my ride to Saint John for the wedding.
Why does anyone even bother being my friend? I'm fucking useless self-centred. What's the point of anything? I'm miserable in my life and can't even look forward to school in a month because it's a huge fucking step back from where I was headed last year. Being a teacher? Not going to happen. Now, I'm relegating myself to being a teaching assistant because I get too overwhelmed with all the things required of a full-fledged teacher. Which means less pay and less job security (well, provided I could've even gotten a contract job as a teacher anyway). Why the fuck am I even doing it? I don't know what I want anymore, I don't have anyone in my life, I come home to just my cat every day and have almost NOTHING for a social life because I'm a pathetic loser that no one wants around them.
Today was the day of the wedding. I was still going to the reception, at least (it was a small wedding, so not many guests). But I couldn't sleep at all last night. Lately, I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping, unable to even get tired until 6 or even 7 in the morning. Which happened again last night. Which meant I couldn't get up for 11 AM today to go with my ride to Saint John for the wedding.
Why does anyone even bother being my friend? I'm fucking useless self-centred. What's the point of anything? I'm miserable in my life and can't even look forward to school in a month because it's a huge fucking step back from where I was headed last year. Being a teacher? Not going to happen. Now, I'm relegating myself to being a teaching assistant because I get too overwhelmed with all the things required of a full-fledged teacher. Which means less pay and less job security (well, provided I could've even gotten a contract job as a teacher anyway). Why the fuck am I even doing it? I don't know what I want anymore, I don't have anyone in my life, I come home to just my cat every day and have almost NOTHING for a social life because I'm a pathetic loser that no one wants around them.
I don't think you're a bad person Nick. I'd give your friend a call after his honeymoon to talk it out with him. I'm sure he'll understand what happened.
Where are you going to school to learn to be a teacher's assistant? If its a college, I'm sure that there are a ton of clubs. There has to be one that sparks your interest. Heck, maybe you could start one. I know you're really into WWE-style wrestling. Maybe you could start a wrestling club. That could be a fun way for you to meet people and get some exercise.
Where are you going to school to learn to be a teacher's assistant? If its a college, I'm sure that there are a ton of clubs. There has to be one that sparks your interest. Heck, maybe you could start one. I know you're really into WWE-style wrestling. Maybe you could start a wrestling club. That could be a fun way for you to meet people and get some exercise.
Still planning on coming to NB next year. You better be around for that!
I know the feeling bro, my friends stopped talking to me because I dont drink, I dont like going out, and I have failed compared to my peers because I am an environmental science major who is likely never going to make it into grad school because I only barely skated by in my degree with a 3.0. Lets add that I have no clue how to get a job in my field of study nor do I think I have any chance if I was even interviewed for one. I just come home from work everyday and watch anime with my dog.
however I want to add, I can understand why you feel like this, but only you can decide how you want to live. I wish I was doing more with my life, maybe I had friends I could relate to, the world says my lack of romance in addition to all these things makes me a loser. The catch is I don't care what anyone else thinks of me. Everyone wants to judge others to prop up their own self worth. Here is the thing, everything that tells me I should feel like shit just seems wrong when I look outward at the universe. FUCK THE HATERS! at the end of the day we are all just trying to make our own way in the world and no one is going to have the same journey as anyone else!
This is one of those imposter moments of my life, but I haven't been to stop thinking of this post since you made it, and so this could be breaking a rule of giving advice when you just need to rant, I guess I feel like if I'm still thinking about it, then it's probably at least a little worth saying. I'm going to write a lot, so I'll break it into some sections.
A Note On Selfishness and Depression's Pendulum
I don't know how it was for you, living with depression. For me, I was shocked the first time someone suggested it was selfish, but now I've accepted that yeah, it can be a pretty selfish disease. It seems you see that too. But I want you to also know it's not only selfish. You matter, and your emotions are valid. So don't fall into what I call the 'pendulum trap' which is one of depressions many insidious weapons. What I mean by that is, it seems depression tends to go from: "all I do is what other people want/need!" (see yourself as unselfish) and the shoot all the way to "it's my turn for people to see me, do things for me, notice me!" (see yourself selfishly) and without the moderation necessary, which is that we are people who need to give of ourselves and be noticed ourselves by others to feel good (for the most part. I'm sure there are some very content hermits). But depression likes extremes, the pendulum rushes over to the opposite side once you see a flaw in the side you're on, and you never get a chance to see what could be in the middle.
I've gone a bit off topic. I do that. My point, long lost in there I think, is that I hope your recognition that sometimes in your depression you can be very selfish, you haven't lost sight of the fact that you can and do give to others. Depression, your insidious enemy, will turn your mind against you, let you believe you can only be selfish or altruistic, and while you can see that's false, you find this perverse belief in your head, in your heart, that it is true. And I don't want you to feel that.
The Torture of Sleeplessness
I can't really relate to your story about the wedding, there's no real comparable situation in which I've been. However, sleeplessness is a problem that has plagued me since childhood. Insomnia in so many forms. I don't know what you specifically go through: you say you don't feel tired until 6AM and couldn't get up for 11AM, so my assumption is that by 6 or so, you fall asleep and are asleep five hours later. With only one event to go on, I can't really tell you about what's helped me through various things. Right now my biggest help are sleep aids I take every night.
Going to bed and not sleeping is a hell. It's not inconvenient or annoying; it's this awful tormenting burden that has made me cry for no other reason than I just want to be done. It has broken my spirit more days than I care to recall... Things are improving, but I can't tell you if what works for me (sleep aids!) will work for you. However...
But I'll share some general sleep tips I have worked out with my sleep specialist (Yes, I have a doctor who's entire job with me is sorting our my sleeping problems).
Something really simple, but that has worked for me is: no screens before bed for about an hour. This is computer, TV, phone, whatever. I've read it has something to do with the spectrum of blue light emitted by these screens, so ostensibly Kindles are fine, but let's just make it a rule. Secondly, if you're not tired, don't get into your bed. Do your routine: change, brush teeth, check the lock, check the lock again, check the lock, Leigh... those last few might just be me, but if you are not tired, do not get into bed. And do not go into your bedroom, even! If you have a bachelor, just avoid that 'section' if possible. Now, go sit down. With a book. Or without one. Just sit. Write, but by hand on paper -no screens! Slow, simple exercises are fine: easy yoga, some tai-chi, simple stretching. Anything that takes effort that'll raise your heart rate or make you sweat is out of the question. Sloooow and easy. Okay. Go try to sleep. Maybe you've been doing this for 20 or 30 minutes, just go lay down. Don't clock watch. If you can, lay down with your eyes closed for 15 minutes. Not sleeping after 30 minutes? Get up. Go out of the room.
The idea with this is that bed becomes associated ONLY WITH sleeping. Not with restlessness or wakefulness. Now, as I said, I am on sleeping drugs so this routine isn't something I use much anymore, but when I did, it was surprisingly helpful. I had started to sort of fear going to bed, because I associated it with stressful thoughts, not sleeping and frustration. This made my body kick in its elevated heart rate and etc so I was adding to the sleeplessness.
The Most Important Part, Seriously, if You Skimmed the Rest Please Read This Part
I'm going to start with re-quoting part of your post, and I know it probably sucks to re-read your self commentary, but I think you should re-read what you wrote before what I have to say next.
I don't have an answer.
PatrThom pointed out that people 'bother' being your friend because they like you: that's probably just putting it mildly! People are your friends because they love you. You use the word 'bother,' and I get it, because I've used that word to. You see how you let yourself down, you see how your apathy and frustration at your own life lets other people down, and even sometimes disappoints or hurts them, and they are your friends and you're baffled by that because why would they 'bother.' Why would they use energy and time on you? The reason is because that energy and time is called love, and I don't mean to sound sentimental and trite, here, I have no patience for sentiment. Love alleviates so much of what could be burdensome. When my grandfather was dying in the nursing home, visiting him seemed like it should have been hard. When I thought it about, it made me tense, and sad, and hesitant. He was so skinny, not the built 6'2" man I had known. He could barely speak in a whisper, and stay awake for only maybe an hour or so at a time. This is a man who used to stay up talking to me until 3AM when I visited. The Alzheimer's had severely deteriotated his mind and memory. He remembered me, but he'd forget, I think, how he knew me. He'd talk a lot about his daughter Patricia as though I didn't know her... She's my mom! And at home, I'd think about all these things. How different he was, how it was such a long trip to another city, to see a man who wasn't the one I grew up with, and couldn't really have a conversation, and needed help to pull up blankets and go to the bathroom.
But the moment I'd make the decision. Get in the car. BAM
Gone. All I wanted to do was see him.
The love I had for him just quashed all of that.
Now that's a pretty emotionally extreme example. But I can guarantee you that my friends have sat down at home and thought, "Leigh's so morose," and recalled the times where I joined a dinner party and said nearly nothing, or went out and refused to participate in anything: too lazy to bowl, too bad at pool, too apathetic to to think anything fun was going to happen. Sometimes I summoned some kind of cynical character, chirping sarcasm. It was like I was punishing them for inviting me out. You think they have never hesitated to call me? They've surely sat and considered an invitation I extended and thought, "Why would I want to go listen to him? All he talks about is his life going nowhere and how he feels empty all the time."
And yet...
I keep getting invited out
And people keep coming over
Because even my obnoxious traits, and sometimes overwhelming depression and self-obsession with my sorrows and pains cannot stop them from feeling love for me, and saying, fuck it. He's worth it. Because I'm not defined by those moments. I have a personality that's not my depression. And they're willing to deal with the depression version because they love me.
And you have friends because of the same thing. They love you. Depression You might be hard to put up with, and sometimes maybe your friends are stressed or bugged by it. But that always loses out to their desire to love you and be your friend.
I hear you say you're lost. What are you doing, you ask. You had just what you dreamed in your hand and it slipped away and that pain is inconsolable! And this new path hurts, it seems like you're just putting one foot in front of the other because that's what you're supposed to do, but it feels like some sick pantomime, while the rest of the world strolls confidently, you just walk filled in a private doubt you can't shake, and can't get out. And the pain of not being able to teach, to follow that right now, it twists inside your hard, cold and icy, a reminder of... a life you should have had.
I know. And it may be without meaning to say, "I have felt it too, you are not alone in this," because, I mean, whatever, how does that make things better for you? I get it. But I do sympathise with you. I hurt for you, because I know, I know, I know.
What you're doing seems pointless. You feel as though you cannot derive meaning from your current pursuits, especially in such a lonely state. Oh, if I could tell you how much I feel this too.
I know the frustrating alone-ness of coming back to the same place day after day, no one to sigh to and say, "Shit, that was a long day." I know how hard it is to feel like there's no one with whom you can have anything resembling a social circle. And again, I suspect that is useless. "I know how you feel." doesn't change anything.
But your last sentence is just so fucking goddamn wrong:
Wrong wrong wrong
First, you're not a pathetic loser. Second, people want you around. We want you around. And you were asked to be someone's best man -forget what transpired and kept you from the wedding. That's not the point. The point is you are wanted. So just...
You are wanted.
Alright. Again, I know you may have just been venting and not wanted to read any insight or advice. I don't know if I really provided anyway. I realise I broke one of my own rules in that you didn't ask for advice but I gave it. But hey. I'm a bit of a rogue.
The TL;DR of this: I like you fine, I hope things improve soon in some way. We want you around the forum.
I'm speechless. Chad rocks.
Well, uh.. I'm flattered, guys. I am really just hoping to share something that might help. But, thank you, both. It's kind of you to say.
BraVO, Sir.
You know how much you are wanted, @ThatNickGuy ? You are so wanted, your company is in such demand that a guy whose posts
"Oh sure," you think. We are, all of us, made up mostly of hydrogen, oxygen, carbon, and quite a number of other things in much smaller quantity. By weight, if we melted you down into your component parts, you probably think you're only worth about $150.00 or so. Not so!
Think about what you've you done while driving around in that sack of meat where you keep your brain. Your YouTube page has collectively had over 40,000 views. Google knows you pretty well. Almost a million hits for "ThatNickGuy" if you search it. If I narrow it to just photos, I see a pattern. Many of those photos have other people in them...people who actually appear to be enjoying their time around you. This? This does not sound like someone that Humanity has forgotten, crumpled up and tossed aside to gather dust behind the refrigerator.
Now I don't want to sound like there should be music going, and George C. Scott or Tony Robbins (or Tony Little, for that matter) coming up to take the stage at any moment. That's not my point. We go on about how this forum seems to be exclusionistic, and how new people tend to get chased away before they ever gain a foothold. We have a thread about it. Actually, we have more than a few threads about it. But in any of them, do we talk about how we ran ThatNickGuy out? In fact, aside from some Pretty Terrible Spammers(TM), is there really anyone around here that we've driven away? Actually, it turns out we did, this one time, in what, over a decade? One guy. Not you.
Yes, indeed. You are wanted. We look forward to your further adventures, your discourse, your rants, your stories about you. We may not all have the ability to hang out with you in person, but that doesn't mean we're avoiding you. We're just geographically challenged.
Anyhow, I know things aren't going the best for you right now, and I don't have enough pull with the Universe to guarantee that they'll turn around (for you, for me, for anyone), but you're a part of our corner of the 'Net, and we don't want to see you gone. Not figuratively, and not literally. And I don't see that changing.
--Patrick
The reason people like your posts is because we all consider Nick, and you as well, as our friends. And just like 'real life' friends I have that struggle with depression, I often feel helpless when they're at the bottom of that particular hole. We want to offer support, but we know there isn't much we can say to help. I don't have any personal experience with depression, at least not to the degree that you or Nick do, so it's difficult to relate and articulate what I want to convey.
Have you considered maybe heading up a support group?
I read this post before going to sleep last night and I ended up having a dream about going on a road trip w/ThatNickGuy through Norway. And there were tornadoes.
Yeah, uhm, just throwing that out there.
EDIT: I guess...that makes TNG so wanted, he became the man of my dreams?
EDIT 2: You know what? I have things to do today..so...I'll just be going now.
Yeah, uhm, just throwing that out there.
EDIT: I guess...that makes TNG so wanted, he became the man of my dreams?
EDIT 2: You know what? I have things to do today..so...I'll just be going now.
My regular shrink wants me to join a group, but I refuse for various reasons I don't feel like delving into.
But, I understand. It's hard to connect with someone who's in an unrelatable state.
Well you've obviously never sold organs before.
Selling organs for money never really made sense. By the time I'm bad off enough that I have to sell organs, I'm probably going to need to keep the organs in order to have the best chance for survival.
--Patrick
When you're at the point of selling organs, you're not really at a place where 'long term strategy' is really an option anymore.
One of our dispatchers was just killed in a car accident.
Dammit... she was one of the few that I could tolerate. *shakes head*
Dammit... she was one of the few that I could tolerate. *shakes head*