Right so... not really a whine, definitely not a victory, bit conflicted, so here it goes.
I hate the way my mind works.
I started out last year after a month or so of lockdown at about 200 pounds. Started eating better, exercising more, etc. As I've said in the HalFitness thread, I've managed to lose enough weight, and I ought to actually bulk up a bit and gain some muscle back. I'm now at about 160 pounds (yesterday was the first day I actually went below 160). Which is...Well, skinny, for my size (188 cm, a bit over 6ft2). I'm aware of that. My wife thinks I'm too skinny now. heck, I spent over €1000 buying new clothes because my pants literally fell off if I didn't put on a belt.
That's good, right? OK. I mean, I stopped really dieting around 175 pounds, and while I still exercise, we don't have any foster dogs anymore so I rarely get to 10.000 steps a day now - it's usually around 2500. You'd expect me to gain some back, or at least stabilize.
First off, I'm still losing weight. Which is now causing all kinds of crap in my mind to go "maybe I have a parasite, maybe I have cancer, maybe I have some weird deficiency". Which is not good.
Secondly, while I'm perfectly aware that my BMI is great and I'm skinny, when I look down, I still see a flabby tummy bulging out.
Thirdly, while I'm really not anorexic - I'm not, don't worry - I do now understand where they're coming from much more. I do genuinely feel - because of that second point - that, maybe I could skip this cookie, or not drink this glass, or go light on the carbs this meal, or whatever, and push it further down a bit, because, well, for well over a year, lower = better, and it is a thing about control in your life. I can't control anything ,at this point, not even when or if i'm allowed to go out or who I can see - but this number I've been checking daily and been trying to push down? I can definitely keep monitoring it and push it down a bit more. But it's not healthy - that way anorexia lies.
I'm aware that my own mind is lying to me, and I can't seem to force it to accept the reality that my body is pretty much "OK if on the skinny side" right now. Yesterday we had friends over - one of them is the person I held up for my wife as "I want to look more like him instead of the flabby blob I am" back when I started...and when the topic happened to come around, it turned out that I'm actually lighter than him while being taller. I've reached or surpassed the goals I'd set. So why won't my own damn mind allow me to be happy about it?! Gah!