I just unfriended an old friend on Facebook, basically cutting ties with them. It started because of something she posted about the Flippy Bird game. She was gleeful that was being removed from digital stores. My response? An idiotic comment about how she condones the fact it was removed because the creator had been getting harassed. Turns out that was the last straw for her and rightfully so. Over the years, any posts she would make, I was overly critical of them, sometimes mocking her for liking something like the Transformers movies or 50 Shades of Grey or other nerdy things or correcting her spelling or the spelling of someone commenting on her status.
And she's right. Since going through my English degree, I've grown to have a very critical mind. I can't just look at something like 50 Shades of Grey without thinking how it's a poorly written BDSM fan-fiction that basically promotes rape culture and submissive women. I can't just enjoy something on the surface anymore without seeing subtext or knowing the background of the author and such in any kind of media.
On top of that, all of this made me realize just how mentally broken I am these days. I told her that every day, I feel like I'm getting worse. Worse still, I feel like I'm one mental breakdown away from doing something really bad and becoming a horrible cliched statistic of the lonely, isolated person who grew up on horror movies and violent video games. I got out of the house earlier to go see the Lego Movie and the entire time I basically stomped or walked hard, just wondering if today was the day I finally snapped and hurt someone. The worst part is that there isn't a single day that goes by that I just know that the best thing I could do for everyone is to just end it but I'm too much of a fucking coward to do it myself...so I keep having a small wish in the back of my head that some inattentive driver will do me the favour while I'm crossing the street. I think about this ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
Before you say seek therapy or get help, know that I am. I'm actually seeing two separate counsellors that I see roughly every two weeks but IT'S NOT HELPING. Nothing is helping. I barely leave the house, I can't get a job because there's no fucking jobs around here and I'm not even worth hiring any or too broken to bother trying. And "best" of all, Dad gave me an ultimatum recently: get a job, even a part-time job, to help my folks a little on the financial support they've been providing, or I move back home by March. Given how goddamn negative and emotionally abusive my father is (and my mother to a much lesser extent), I know I know I KNOW that would be the worst thing for me. BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY OTHER CHOICE. There's nothing out there for me. I'm jobless, directionless, lonely as fuck, have nowhere to go and nothing to do, and find myself just becoming more and more angry as time passes.
I don't know what to do anymore. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I feel so broken. I think I've been broken much longer than just a couple of years, like since dropping out of the teaching program. I think I've been broken for so much longer and I don't know anything else or don't know what to do about it anymore.