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Anonymous
Anonymous
I have been married for a long time, and I feel lately like I want out. There just seems to be nothing for me in my relationship except the kids. And they still exist outside of the relationship. I get no attention from my wife whatsoever. To be clear, she's not bad to me, or mean to me. There are no real fights or arguments. But, hell, I'd take that over nothing, which is what we seem to have. We just seem to be roommates who share kids. I get no expression of love from her at all. She does things for me, but I don't want a servant. I'd rather have someone who never lifted a finger for me, but expressed love. I cannot tell you the last time she really kissed me. Years, maybe. I can barely recall a time she touched me voluntarily. Even during increasingly rare love-making, her arms are out to the side, and never around me. And then, it never feels like she really wants to do it. I've stopped approaching her about it, because frankly, she sounds like it's a concession, and that feels really uncomfortable to me.
To head off some suggestions, I have talked to her about this. In soft terms at first, and later in no uncertain terms. Many times now, and nothing ever changes. My wife has a tendency to simply say yes during a discussion, and there's never any, well, discussion. There's me talking and her just saying yes. She tells me everything is fine to her. I've offered to leave, and that's the only time she's ever reacted, just to get me to stay. Honestly, it feels more like my leaving would be bad because it would damage her standing more than it would bother her personally.
I'm at the age where I'm still young, but old enough to feel life creeping on. And lately I just don't want to be trapped forever like this in what feels like a loveless marriage. I've tried so many things. I've tried gushing attention on her. One of her complaints when I do finally get her to say anything is that she's busy, so I've tried doing everything, and she will make more work for herself. If I clean the whole house, she'll go scrub something that hasn't been touched in years, then complain that she has no time. And if I call it a complaint, she swears it's "just a statement of fact, not a complaint", which has to be the most irritating sentence ever uttered, because what else is the definition of a complaint? On top of all that, the busy thing just directly and in no uncertain terms tells me exactly where I sit on the totem pole. "I can't because I have to do this." Okay, well you just told me that that is more important than me.
I lack the courage to ask for a way out myself, and I don't think she'd let me go easily. She's the queen of pragmatism, and if nothing else, I'm a wallet. I hate to talk that way, but I cannot for the life of me think what she's getting out of this if she has held me beyond arm's length for years.
Sorry for the wall of text.
To head off some suggestions, I have talked to her about this. In soft terms at first, and later in no uncertain terms. Many times now, and nothing ever changes. My wife has a tendency to simply say yes during a discussion, and there's never any, well, discussion. There's me talking and her just saying yes. She tells me everything is fine to her. I've offered to leave, and that's the only time she's ever reacted, just to get me to stay. Honestly, it feels more like my leaving would be bad because it would damage her standing more than it would bother her personally.
I'm at the age where I'm still young, but old enough to feel life creeping on. And lately I just don't want to be trapped forever like this in what feels like a loveless marriage. I've tried so many things. I've tried gushing attention on her. One of her complaints when I do finally get her to say anything is that she's busy, so I've tried doing everything, and she will make more work for herself. If I clean the whole house, she'll go scrub something that hasn't been touched in years, then complain that she has no time. And if I call it a complaint, she swears it's "just a statement of fact, not a complaint", which has to be the most irritating sentence ever uttered, because what else is the definition of a complaint? On top of all that, the busy thing just directly and in no uncertain terms tells me exactly where I sit on the totem pole. "I can't because I have to do this." Okay, well you just told me that that is more important than me.
I lack the courage to ask for a way out myself, and I don't think she'd let me go easily. She's the queen of pragmatism, and if nothing else, I'm a wallet. I hate to talk that way, but I cannot for the life of me think what she's getting out of this if she has held me beyond arm's length for years.
Sorry for the wall of text.
), as a way of showing how much I care, but I'd rather she spend time with me than buy me stuff. Some people write poetry, some give gifts, some do little things for each other, some try to make huge sacrifices, some want physical attention (not necessarily referring to sex- I know I find hugs/massages/petting/snuggling to be a huge factor in feeling loved while some people really don't care - though sex can and often is an expression in this vein as well). Perhaps she really does care for you, but there's problems with incompatible ways of showing that love, not knowing how to express yourself, etc. Counseling could certainly help in such a case.
