Today's another in a long string of bad days. I'm just so completely fucking done with everything. I don't...I don't really see the point? I mean, yeah, I'm sure some people are happy I'm alive, and some of them would hurt for a while if I wasn't. But...That's not a reason to live.
My job isn't making me happy. I'm not doing the best I can because I'm not motivated. I don't have any reason to try.
My hobbys aren't making me happy. There's nothing I do these days that I'm actually enjoying, nor is there anything I'd rather be doing.
My body isn't making me happy. I hurt. All the time. Chronic pain isn't fun, being "able to cope with it" so that nothing has to change and you can just go on living in pain sucks. Every bite I take hurts. Every time I smile, it hurts. My jaws just plain don't fit together.
My mind isn't making me happy. Whether it's obsessing over details, getting far too angry at far too litle, coping and reacting in completely wrong ways, letting myself be misled or be used as a footstool, my mind just isn't doing me any favors.
My relationship isn't making me happy. i'm not all that sexualyl attracted to my wife at the moment, and our sex life is just almost non-existant. We're constantly arguing over every small little point - we had a slamming-doors-in-the-face fight today over the bathroom! And that's utterly unimportant in the grand scheme of things, but it's just one of many. Doesn't matter what about, we argue, and we give each other stress. I'm sure I'm one of my wife's major stressors.
I'm not religious. I don't know if there's an afterlife or not, or rebirth, or what-have-you. I don't know if I'll be judged. If I am, I'll probably be found wanting no matter what. I've had a vasectomy - knowingly and deliberately - because I don't think I'm the person to add more people to this already overpopulated ball. I don't feel like I have any reason to live, right now. Hedonism? Just have as much fun as you can? Well, my life isn't filled with pleasure or joy. Frankly, the last time I could say I was genuinely happy and unencumbered was a long long time ago. As in many years. Including my wedding day and honeymoon. Duty? I don't have any, nor do I feel like anyone is wanting me to. Other people's happiness? Frankly, no. I don't think I should live just to avoid making a few other people sad. I'm sure my wife would be sad if I dropped dead right now, and I'm sure if I asked her she'd say that all the little arguments don't matter and she loves me and wants me around - but on the other hand, 5 years down the line she'd probably be better off without me. Even so, it's a pretty crappy idea to think I'd have to endure decades more pain and stress and anxiety just to avoid making a few other people sad or anxious. Why should I care any more about them than I do about myself? Why should I consider sacrificing years of myself to other people a good idea?
I don't matter, in the grand scheme of things. I don't! No kids, no great discoveries or talents to deploy, no great world change will come about because of me. The only reason I'm around is....because I'm around. Yeah, ok. So we're back to just making the best of life, get some fun out of it, enjoy the time you've got. But....I'm not enjoying it. At all. Life sucks, I don't have the capacity to deal with it. I don't want to deal with it. Letting life pass me by means I'm even more useless, but trying to interact with life is just scary, and hard, and painful, and stressful, and....why? So, I honestly can't think of a good reason for me for being here, rather than not being here.
Suicide would hurt a bunch of people, I know. My parents, my wife, some more friends and family, sure. I don't want someone to find my body and be traumatized. I don't want to traumatize a bus driver, or a train conductor, or whatever. So, I guess I'll muddle along a bit longer. I'm too scared and weak to just end it myself in some way that doesnt' hurt too much. There's no good way to go without being even more of a stressor and a source of pain and misery for other people, so I guess I'll just....hang around. For now. If I knew there was just absolutely nothing after death, and there was no judgement, no final tally, no moral comparison, no "hey, at least you tried"? I guess I'm still too morally bound to try and not hurt others, but that's more weakness - setting my own needs or wants behind other people's - than it is strength.
A part of me knows this is just the depression talking, really. But even not depressed, my life has no external point, nor an internal one. I've spent most of my life looking for meaning, and I sure haven't found any.