I don't usually post here, the forum can be overwhelming for me, but I literally don't know where else to write any of this out or get it off my chest. I hope you'll forgive me for being the downer and for how long this is about to be and how potentially all over the place as well.
I've known Zach since I was in the 4th grade, a literal child. I'm now almost 29, like he was, and now I'm left wondering how the fuck to do this shit without him. I'll figure it out, and I know I will, but right now it just seems impossible. I never fathomed what it would be like having to live without him, I never thought I would have to. He was there for me through everything, every heartbreak and every bit of the stupid teen drama, he had my back against all the assholes who thought I was an easy target. I was his shoulder to cry on for every shitty girlfriend that broke up with him and I was the one to tell him that they weren't shit and that he'd find somebody worth it eventually. We picked him up when he needed space from his siblings or needed somewhere to stay, he picked me up when I needed to get space and needed to feel safe. I could always count on him, and he could count on me. I called him my brother. I remember when he came over after his first *official* tattoo (meaning, the first one he paid for and had done in a shop - his actual first was a smiley face done at a party. Go figure.) to show it off, just this big script on the back of his right arm above the elbow that said "it is what it is." I used to tease him and tell him I was going to get the same one so we could match and in true Z (Zach) fashion he'd raise his eyebrow at me and roll his eyes and laugh at me. And I'd laugh and tell him it's just because I love him and he'd laugh some more and nod his head and just say "DOPE love you too" and that would be it. I remember this guy would not leave me alone sophomore year, he was just the biggest asshole ever, he cornered me with some of his douchey friends in the hallway and they were messing with me. It was real fun for them until I started laughing...and then they turned around. And there was Zach...and OUR friends. Yeah, that was the end of that. I hated when he'd lean on the top of my head, but that day I didn't care that he did it and and he yelled at the bullies "That's what I thought PUSSAYS" before sauntering off laughing.
I know there was nothing I could have done to save him, but with that comes this overwhelming sense of helplessness and guilt that I'm struggling with. He had been sober for a year before he went out with "friends" that night - they either didn't know about his alcoholism or knew and helped him relapse anyway. And not only did they get him so drunk he couldn't function, or allow him to get that drunk, they left him at his house alone. They broke *the* rule - they left him *alone*. From what I understand, if he hadn't shot himself the alcohol very well could have killed him anyway. I don't know who he was with, but I guess it doesn't really matter anyway. Part of me wants to know so that I can blame them and have somebody in this world that I can hate for taking my brother away from me, part of me wants to know if they knew about his sobriety. Part of me wants to know their excuses for leaving him at home alone in the state he was in. But the reality is that they didn't put a gun to his head and squeeze the trigger. Somehow, cruelly, he was able to do that himself. He was finally a husband, finally a dad, finally had a steady job and was getting his life together and he finally had everything that he dreamed of his whole life. He had everything he ever wanted and he took it away from himself and from all of us. And now we're all left trying to pick up the pieces. I don't know how to describe how I feel, like I'm here but not really. I'm just...numbly walking through everything on autopilot, all of the emotions canceling the others out leaving nothing but the occasional dull ache. I've experienced loss before, too much of it, but this time it's different. He wasn't old and/or ill. He wasn't a teacher or someone I knew but wasn't close to. He wasn't somebody I just went to school with or somebody I liked well enough but lost tragically. This is a new level of grief that I was never prepared for and don't know how to handle. He took a piece of my heart with him to the grave and I'm just here trying to learn how to deal with that. I don't want to post this anywhere his mom or wife or MY mom can see, I figure dad and our mutual friends can handle it.
I've gotten a tattoo in his honor and memory, I've been listening to our song on repeat since I got home. If any of you have advice on how to deal with significant loss, I'm all ears because I just feel....broken. And lost.
Sorry again for the length and everything, I hope you guys understand and thank you for taking the time to read this if you do.
- Sammi
