Rant VIII: The Reckoning
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Just heard a neighbor kill a dog.
I had my dog outside, and from a couple of hundred yards away I heard barking, a .22 firing, a dog scream, a .22 firing, and silence.
Since I am far out in the woods I can not really pass judgement. I don't know what set that up. I had to do it once as a kid because the dogs killed a chicken in its enclosure.
Man, I really don't have a clue why I'm still here.
I've had ups and downs before and my bouts of depression, but right now even knowing full well my head is half-lying to me, I'm really struggling.
Wedding's now behind us, and I don't really have any other goal or target or purpose lined up at all.
We're not having kids. Putting kids on this planet in the state it's in now? Ugh.
My career is going nowhere. Oh, sure, I guess I could work hard and let them boss me around and I'll get a promotion again in a year or two-three - the same job with some more bullshit and a slightly fancier title. I don't care about either the customers, or the company, or my colleagues, though. Nobody terrible, nobody I'd particularly miss if they all dropped dead tomorrow. I've had good colleagues in the past who I still hang out with - this ain't them.
My family life is practically non-existent. My father's slowly withering away with Parkinson's, my mother is fine but they're both well over an hour's drive away and I managed to see them....5 times in 200? I think? Including a week-long getaway together and our wedding. I haven't seen my sister in 58 years or so, and my brother and his family I see maybe three times a year. Nothing especially binding, nothing egregiously bad.
Friends, oh, I've got loads of them - dozens, really, seriously. But I'm too depressed to see them, and, partially BECAUSE there are so many - I'm not particularly important to any of them. I don't know any of them particularly well. None of them know me any better. Acquaintances, really - most of them I see maybe once or twice a year, if that. Sure, good to play some board games or talk a bit about the weather, but not actually people who care about me or who I care about. I mean, i think my relationship with folks on this board is better than with most of my RL friends....And I don't have the mistaken idea that I'm the type of person who'd genuinely be missed here if I disappeared. Some would notice, but really? Bigger names have left here without a mark. Heck, I've left and come back and half the board hadn't noticed.
And right now, between my wife and me - we've both had a lot of stress and there's plenty of stuff going on and all that, but the result of it all is that, frankly, we're not talking to each other, and everything one of us says, the other one reacts badly to. Between Covid and other things we've been spending way too long together with just the two of us, and it's just left us with absolutely nothing to talk about. She starts a conversation by complaining about something (be it local because I did something wrong or more general like the weather or politics); I snipe back calling her negative or shooting down her ideas if she happens to have some. I start a conversation, within 3 sentences she's pulling out her phone to read or do a Duolingo or whatever because she's not interested.
And it's just....with all "goals" out of the way, I can now look forward and say, ok, 25 more years of this, and....why? I'm not having fun. .I'm not learning or growing. I'm not doing something to be remembered. I'm not doing anything anybody actually cares about. I'm not improving the world in any way. I'm 38, I've got a bad back, weak knees, and stiff joints. That's only going to get worse. I'm probably nearly in the best shape I've ever been in - and I couldn't give a rat's ass, nor do I want to maintain it. My wife and therapist tell me I should get a hobby, and I need to spend more time thinking about/looking forward to the good bits, rather than focus on the bad bits. But really, my life is 90% bad bits. Since New Year's Eve, I literally haven't felt good or happy once. Not even contented. I've been grumpy, cranky, grouchy, in pain, annoyed, frustrated, irritated, angry, tense, anxious, afraid, bored, tightly wound, tired. Yeah, maybe I'll feel a bit better next week and have a few hours here or there where I'm slightly enjoying myself, or where I'm a bit at peace...But those bits are not worth living for. I don't see any point in spending 165 hours a week miserable, only to have 3 hours where I'm feeling okayish.
Get a hobby? What? When? Where? Fuck, Why?
I know I should exercise, but I friggin' hate it, and I'm too tired anyway. And all my muscles are tense - too much and I'll just tear something.
I know I should go out and see people, but I'm emotionally drained and can't muster up the willpower to go outside, let alone fake the interest in anyone else's boring crap.
I know I should find a new hobby, but there's nothing that interests me, and there hasn't been in years. Even reading or playing computer games have lost their shine. I don't have any real talents, and I definitely don't have the fine muscle control to do anything artistic - be it drawing, playing, dancing,...
I know I should try to get some interest going - but my mind feelsto overwhelmed to absorb new information.
I know I should do some self-care and try to relax and not feel pressured into doing anything specific - but here I am doing absolutely nothing and it just makes me feel even worse.
I know some of it is the depression speaking, and I know I'm too afraid of pain and what-if-I-fail to try suicide, but damn, I genuinely don't know why I'm here or what I'm doing or why I'm bothering to stick around and suffer or be miserable 90+% of the time.
I've had ups and downs before and my bouts of depression, but right now even knowing full well my head is half-lying to me, I'm really struggling.
Wedding's now behind us, and I don't really have any other goal or target or purpose lined up at all.
We're not having kids. Putting kids on this planet in the state it's in now? Ugh.
My career is going nowhere. Oh, sure, I guess I could work hard and let them boss me around and I'll get a promotion again in a year or two-three - the same job with some more bullshit and a slightly fancier title. I don't care about either the customers, or the company, or my colleagues, though. Nobody terrible, nobody I'd particularly miss if they all dropped dead tomorrow. I've had good colleagues in the past who I still hang out with - this ain't them.
My family life is practically non-existent. My father's slowly withering away with Parkinson's, my mother is fine but they're both well over an hour's drive away and I managed to see them....5 times in 200? I think? Including a week-long getaway together and our wedding. I haven't seen my sister in 58 years or so, and my brother and his family I see maybe three times a year. Nothing especially binding, nothing egregiously bad.
Friends, oh, I've got loads of them - dozens, really, seriously. But I'm too depressed to see them, and, partially BECAUSE there are so many - I'm not particularly important to any of them. I don't know any of them particularly well. None of them know me any better. Acquaintances, really - most of them I see maybe once or twice a year, if that. Sure, good to play some board games or talk a bit about the weather, but not actually people who care about me or who I care about. I mean, i think my relationship with folks on this board is better than with most of my RL friends....And I don't have the mistaken idea that I'm the type of person who'd genuinely be missed here if I disappeared. Some would notice, but really? Bigger names have left here without a mark. Heck, I've left and come back and half the board hadn't noticed.
And right now, between my wife and me - we've both had a lot of stress and there's plenty of stuff going on and all that, but the result of it all is that, frankly, we're not talking to each other, and everything one of us says, the other one reacts badly to. Between Covid and other things we've been spending way too long together with just the two of us, and it's just left us with absolutely nothing to talk about. She starts a conversation by complaining about something (be it local because I did something wrong or more general like the weather or politics); I snipe back calling her negative or shooting down her ideas if she happens to have some. I start a conversation, within 3 sentences she's pulling out her phone to read or do a Duolingo or whatever because she's not interested.
And it's just....with all "goals" out of the way, I can now look forward and say, ok, 25 more years of this, and....why? I'm not having fun. .I'm not learning or growing. I'm not doing something to be remembered. I'm not doing anything anybody actually cares about. I'm not improving the world in any way. I'm 38, I've got a bad back, weak knees, and stiff joints. That's only going to get worse. I'm probably nearly in the best shape I've ever been in - and I couldn't give a rat's ass, nor do I want to maintain it. My wife and therapist tell me I should get a hobby, and I need to spend more time thinking about/looking forward to the good bits, rather than focus on the bad bits. But really, my life is 90% bad bits. Since New Year's Eve, I literally haven't felt good or happy once. Not even contented. I've been grumpy, cranky, grouchy, in pain, annoyed, frustrated, irritated, angry, tense, anxious, afraid, bored, tightly wound, tired. Yeah, maybe I'll feel a bit better next week and have a few hours here or there where I'm slightly enjoying myself, or where I'm a bit at peace...But those bits are not worth living for. I don't see any point in spending 165 hours a week miserable, only to have 3 hours where I'm feeling okayish.
Get a hobby? What? When? Where? Fuck, Why?
I know I should exercise, but I friggin' hate it, and I'm too tired anyway. And all my muscles are tense - too much and I'll just tear something.
I know I should go out and see people, but I'm emotionally drained and can't muster up the willpower to go outside, let alone fake the interest in anyone else's boring crap.
I know I should find a new hobby, but there's nothing that interests me, and there hasn't been in years. Even reading or playing computer games have lost their shine. I don't have any real talents, and I definitely don't have the fine muscle control to do anything artistic - be it drawing, playing, dancing,...
I know I should try to get some interest going - but my mind feelsto overwhelmed to absorb new information.
I know I should do some self-care and try to relax and not feel pressured into doing anything specific - but here I am doing absolutely nothing and it just makes me feel even worse.
I know some of it is the depression speaking, and I know I'm too afraid of pain and what-if-I-fail to try suicide, but damn, I genuinely don't know why I'm here or what I'm doing or why I'm bothering to stick around and suffer or be miserable 90+% of the time.
Dave
Staff member
You're here if for no other reason than to give your wife love.
But I get the rest of what you are saying. Dude I'm 57 now. No house, the kids are gone. I have a physically demanding job that I *think* I will be able to do for a few years, but then it'll probably break me. I'm already grunting and groaning when I have to stand up.
I am not going to assume I know what you are going through. There are a few people on this board that have the same depressive issues and I just can't relate. I don't have an answer and I never will. But man I hope you all find what you need because we love each of you and want to laugh with you and commiserate with you and rage at politics with you for years to come.
But I get the rest of what you are saying. Dude I'm 57 now. No house, the kids are gone. I have a physically demanding job that I *think* I will be able to do for a few years, but then it'll probably break me. I'm already grunting and groaning when I have to stand up.
I am not going to assume I know what you are going through. There are a few people on this board that have the same depressive issues and I just can't relate. I don't have an answer and I never will. But man I hope you all find what you need because we love each of you and want to laugh with you and commiserate with you and rage at politics with you for years to come.
Whelp, that's that, she's gone. Fell unconcious, didn't wake up, we removed the respirator.
I'm so sorry, man.
Dave
Staff member
Sorry to hear this, man. That really sucks.
And I'm laid off.
Rad, that lie about being transferred after Christmas was real neat. At least they cut my hours over the last two weeks so I don't even have anything to fall back on.
I went to have a glass of saskatoon liqueur that I like that calms me down and found out my brothers polished it off over Christmas along with the contents of my liquor cabinet (which wasn't much). Awesome. Can't even drown my sorrow in booze.
Rad, that lie about being transferred after Christmas was real neat. At least they cut my hours over the last two weeks so I don't even have anything to fall back on.
I went to have a glass of saskatoon liqueur that I like that calms me down and found out my brothers polished it off over Christmas along with the contents of my liquor cabinet (which wasn't much). Awesome. Can't even drown my sorrow in booze.
I know you've been going through a ton of shit lately, but is there also someone you can talk to in person? It seems like you need a shoulder, be it a friend or even a professional, that can offer more than virtually venting. (Which, of course you can vent here, but we are limited by proximity.)
I have experience in this and it fucking sucks. It's a gut-punch to the ego. I didn't spend my down time very positively. I should have leaned on someone instead of holding in my pain. I was so ashamed and embarrassed. It's a rough road buddy. It's hard to see it now, but this can be turned into something positive.
I tried talking to my mom. She treated me like I was being a whiny child.
Yeah, I'll just keep it to myself until I finally get into a psychiatrist (something the wait list is exceptionally long for). Who knew I'm not the only person struggling greatly with their mental health?
Hopefully I don't spiral too badly before long, but I'm not gonna bet against it.
Yeah, I'll just keep it to myself until I finally get into a psychiatrist (something the wait list is exceptionally long for). Who knew I'm not the only person struggling greatly with their mental health?
Hopefully I don't spiral too badly before long, but I'm not gonna bet against it.
Work keeps sending me emails about what facilities/programs are available if you are "having recent difficulties." At first I thought that they were just announcing new benefits, but I'm finally realizing that no, this is a targeted "Just want y'all to know how to get help without actually coming out and saying this is how to get help."
--Patrick
There's been so many times that I wish I could give someone a hug on here. I am sorry you're going through this.
GasBandit
Staff member
I've heard distressing stories about how using company-provided mental health services puts a target on your back when it comes time to reduce headcount.
Not to annoy the "Europeans all hate America" stand over there *hi guys* but....Man, you guys really think privacy laws and a decent healthcare system are futuristic inventions for the 31st century huh?
In Belgium while an employer will no doubt offer mental health services (well, the big ones), they literalyl can't even know you're using them. A manager firing an employee for looking for help would be a major problem not just for the company but for the external health provider as well. Most large companies have one of a small list of large health companies providing that kind of services, and this sort of breach of privacy would quite probably result in their loss of license for all their customers.
GasBandit
Staff member
"Oh no, we just let go the ones who are... underperforming. As judged by metrics that are proprietary trade secrets, so we won't be sharing them. That these are the employees most commonly making use of these offered services is entirely coincidental and unrelated."
No, but corporations do. And they put money into the pockets of politicians and certain "news" groups to keep the laws in their favor. And the cycle perpetuates because those in positions of power don't want to do anything that would make them lose a single dime, regardless of what the majority of people want.
Yeah, I know. We'll see how much longer it lasts here.
Since the end of the Cold War capitalism has really been slowly getting more and more extreme and in Europe it's constantly under pressure to move more towards the American style. It's better for corporations and the rich, but a European style social democracy with some market dampening influences - I don't mean full blown communism - is better for the weaker and smaller - that is, normal people.
Since the end of the Cold War capitalism has really been slowly getting more and more extreme and in Europe it's constantly under pressure to move more towards the American style. It's better for corporations and the rich, but a European style social democracy with some market dampening influences - I don't mean full blown communism - is better for the weaker and smaller - that is, normal people.
figmentPez
Staff member
This coming week was supposed to be a really good one. Tuesday @LittleKagsin and I were finally going to meet in person for the first time, after nearly 12 years of friendship. Something always seems to get in the way.
Last week LittleKagsin's husband went into the ER with abdominal pain, and had an emergency gallbladder removal the next day. The surgery went well, despite the gallbladder being gangrenous, but his recovery is going slowly, and the trip is canceled so that she can stay home and take care of him. This sucks for her husband even more than it does for us, and I absolutely support taking care of family ahead of having a fun trip, but this really getting me down.
We're going to reschedule, don't know when yet. I'm still having to fight off some really bad depression, though. Sometimes it feels like I don't have any meaningful control over my life, and I'm tired of putting in so much effort only to have things go wrong in ways I can't do anything about. The trip had just started to feel real to me. I'd had like one, maybe two days, where I felt good about all the cleaning, and taking care of my health, and figuring out logistics, and other effort that I was putting in to get ready. Then, boom, things came crashing down, and I'm back to struggling like I'm still in the midst of my annual holiday depression.
Last week LittleKagsin's husband went into the ER with abdominal pain, and had an emergency gallbladder removal the next day. The surgery went well, despite the gallbladder being gangrenous, but his recovery is going slowly, and the trip is canceled so that she can stay home and take care of him. This sucks for her husband even more than it does for us, and I absolutely support taking care of family ahead of having a fun trip, but this really getting me down.
We're going to reschedule, don't know when yet. I'm still having to fight off some really bad depression, though. Sometimes it feels like I don't have any meaningful control over my life, and I'm tired of putting in so much effort only to have things go wrong in ways I can't do anything about. The trip had just started to feel real to me. I'd had like one, maybe two days, where I felt good about all the cleaning, and taking care of my health, and figuring out logistics, and other effort that I was putting in to get ready. Then, boom, things came crashing down, and I'm back to struggling like I'm still in the midst of my annual holiday depression.
So I had a recurrence of my tendinitis in my ankle last Monday and couldn't walk. That's not the rant.
My grandma's funeral was last Thursday. That's also not the rant.
On Monday, because I couldn't walk, I worked remotely from home. Halfway through the morning, I started suffering a weird pain just behind my left eyeball. I ignored it as best I could, because I had work that needed to get done, and I figured it was either my sinuses acting up again, or a lingering issue from the root canal due to my broken incisor, or maybe I was just coming down with something. But by the afternoon the headache had gotten bad enough that my fingers and toes were going tingly and I was starting to get nauseated, and I threw up after my wife got home from work, and she was all like "WE GOTTA GET YOU TO AN EMERGENCY ROOM RIGHT NOW!!!"
Anyway, long story short, I was diagnosed with optic edema (swelling of the optic nerve) in both eyes, but more severe in my left eye. However, optic edemas don't just happen for no reason, so the neurologist scheduled a CT scan on Friday, though I ended up spending most of Tuesday and Wednesday in bed groaning a lot, and almost missed my grandmother's funeral on Thursday, though I eventually managed to drag myself out of bed and attend the funeral.
The CT scan didn't show any bleeding or growths in my brain, so the doctor thinks it's probably just a run-of-the-mill migraine, though I don't have any history or family history of migraines so he's scheduled another CT scan, this time with contrast, for the end of March in order to rule out some other rarer conditions that can't be seen on a normal CT scan, such as blood vessel carcinomas.
My wife is convinced that my sudden onset of migraines is partly due to work-related stress so she wants me to talk to my company about cutting back. Also, the eye doctor said that eye strain can cause optic edemas, though the neurologist was skeptical because he pointed out that pretty much everyone's suffering from eye strain these days but optic edemas are quite rare. My personal experience over the last few days has shown that staring at a screen does seem to make the headache worse. So it looks like I'll need to talk to my company about going part-time, or maybe even quitting outright. Which sucks, because despite my whining, I do like my job and I do like working here.
My grandma's funeral was last Thursday. That's also not the rant.
On Monday, because I couldn't walk, I worked remotely from home. Halfway through the morning, I started suffering a weird pain just behind my left eyeball. I ignored it as best I could, because I had work that needed to get done, and I figured it was either my sinuses acting up again, or a lingering issue from the root canal due to my broken incisor, or maybe I was just coming down with something. But by the afternoon the headache had gotten bad enough that my fingers and toes were going tingly and I was starting to get nauseated, and I threw up after my wife got home from work, and she was all like "WE GOTTA GET YOU TO AN EMERGENCY ROOM RIGHT NOW!!!"
Anyway, long story short, I was diagnosed with optic edema (swelling of the optic nerve) in both eyes, but more severe in my left eye. However, optic edemas don't just happen for no reason, so the neurologist scheduled a CT scan on Friday, though I ended up spending most of Tuesday and Wednesday in bed groaning a lot, and almost missed my grandmother's funeral on Thursday, though I eventually managed to drag myself out of bed and attend the funeral.
The CT scan didn't show any bleeding or growths in my brain, so the doctor thinks it's probably just a run-of-the-mill migraine, though I don't have any history or family history of migraines so he's scheduled another CT scan, this time with contrast, for the end of March in order to rule out some other rarer conditions that can't be seen on a normal CT scan, such as blood vessel carcinomas.
My wife is convinced that my sudden onset of migraines is partly due to work-related stress so she wants me to talk to my company about cutting back. Also, the eye doctor said that eye strain can cause optic edemas, though the neurologist was skeptical because he pointed out that pretty much everyone's suffering from eye strain these days but optic edemas are quite rare. My personal experience over the last few days has shown that staring at a screen does seem to make the headache worse. So it looks like I'll need to talk to my company about going part-time, or maybe even quitting outright. Which sucks, because despite my whining, I do like my job and I do like working here.
If your screens are causing you eye-strain and it's becoming a problem, there are alternatives to just not using screens, such as using special color settings, wearing specialized sunglasses, using specialized screens, I've even heard of people using e-ink displays for stuff like this.
So my company agreed to cut back my work hours so I won't be staring at a screen so much throughout the day. I can come in later, leave earlier, take my lunch earlier and come back later, etc. Basically they won't be tracking my attendance for the next two months or so.
That's the theory anyway. In practice my caseload is still the same, so...
That's the theory anyway. In practice my caseload is still the same, so...
Pretty much, yeah. And my supervisor's working on changing things up a bit for me.
It's just that since I'm the most senior, most experienced, and most workaholic editor in my department, "give all the emergency, last-minute, and difficult cases to bhamv" has sort of been the default setting for years. And I was fine with it, because I could handle it and I liked being important. But it's going to take a bit of time for everyone, including me, to get out of the mindset of using me as the go-to guy for everything.
It's just that since I'm the most senior, most experienced, and most workaholic editor in my department, "give all the emergency, last-minute, and difficult cases to bhamv" has sort of been the default setting for years. And I was fine with it, because I could handle it and I liked being important. But it's going to take a bit of time for everyone, including me, to get out of the mindset of using me as the go-to guy for everything.
Welp lost my job yesterday. three other people teamed up against me and kept reporting me for shit I didn't do because I was new there (I guess?). and because it was 3 v 1 I wasn't believed and lost my job. Fuck. I don't know what I'm going to do. I have money for the rest of this month and then nothing. I literally don't know how I'm going to afford anything. I've already applied to 10 jobs and I'm just hoping it doesn't take long to get hired on with one of them. Hell I hope I hear back from one of them today but idk. I feel so lost right now.