Man, I really don't have a clue why I'm still here.
I've had ups and downs before and my bouts of depression, but right now even knowing full well my head is half-lying to me, I'm really struggling.
Wedding's now behind us, and I don't really have any other goal or target or purpose lined up at all.
We're not having kids. Putting kids on this planet in the state it's in now? Ugh.
My career is going nowhere. Oh, sure, I guess I could work hard and let them boss me around and I'll get a promotion again in a year or two-three - the same job with some more bullshit and a slightly fancier title. I don't care about either the customers, or the company, or my colleagues, though. Nobody terrible, nobody I'd particularly miss if they all dropped dead tomorrow. I've had good colleagues in the past who I still hang out with - this ain't them.
My family life is practically non-existent. My father's slowly withering away with Parkinson's, my mother is fine but they're both well over an hour's drive away and I managed to see them....5 times in 200? I think? Including a week-long getaway together and our wedding. I haven't seen my sister in 58 years or so, and my brother and his family I see maybe three times a year. Nothing especially binding, nothing egregiously bad.
Friends, oh, I've got loads of them - dozens, really, seriously. But I'm too depressed to see them, and, partially BECAUSE there are so many - I'm not particularly important to any of them. I don't know any of them particularly well. None of them know me any better. Acquaintances, really - most of them I see maybe once or twice a year, if that. Sure, good to play some board games or talk a bit about the weather, but not actually people who care about me or who I care about. I mean, i think my relationship with folks on this board is better than with most of my RL friends....And I don't have the mistaken idea that I'm the type of person who'd genuinely be missed here if I disappeared. Some would notice, but really? Bigger names have left here without a mark. Heck, I've left and come back and half the board hadn't noticed.
And right now, between my wife and me - we've both had a lot of stress and there's plenty of stuff going on and all that, but the result of it all is that, frankly, we're not talking to each other, and everything one of us says, the other one reacts badly to. Between Covid and other things we've been spending way too long together with just the two of us, and it's just left us with absolutely nothing to talk about. She starts a conversation by complaining about something (be it local because I did something wrong or more general like the weather or politics); I snipe back calling her negative or shooting down her ideas if she happens to have some. I start a conversation, within 3 sentences she's pulling out her phone to read or do a Duolingo or whatever because she's not interested.
And it's just....with all "goals" out of the way, I can now look forward and say, ok, 25 more years of this, and....why? I'm not having fun. .I'm not learning or growing. I'm not doing something to be remembered. I'm not doing anything anybody actually cares about. I'm not improving the world in any way. I'm 38, I've got a bad back, weak knees, and stiff joints. That's only going to get worse. I'm probably nearly in the best shape I've ever been in - and I couldn't give a rat's ass, nor do I want to maintain it. My wife and therapist tell me I should get a hobby, and I need to spend more time thinking about/looking forward to the good bits, rather than focus on the bad bits. But really, my life is 90% bad bits. Since New Year's Eve, I literally haven't felt good or happy once. Not even contented. I've been grumpy, cranky, grouchy, in pain, annoyed, frustrated, irritated, angry, tense, anxious, afraid, bored, tightly wound, tired. Yeah, maybe I'll feel a bit better next week and have a few hours here or there where I'm slightly enjoying myself, or where I'm a bit at peace...But those bits are not worth living for. I don't see any point in spending 165 hours a week miserable, only to have 3 hours where I'm feeling okayish.
Get a hobby? What? When? Where? Fuck, Why?
I know I should exercise, but I friggin' hate it, and I'm too tired anyway. And all my muscles are tense - too much and I'll just tear something.
I know I should go out and see people, but I'm emotionally drained and can't muster up the willpower to go outside, let alone fake the interest in anyone else's boring crap.
I know I should find a new hobby, but there's nothing that interests me, and there hasn't been in years. Even reading or playing computer games have lost their shine. I don't have any real talents, and I definitely don't have the fine muscle control to do anything artistic - be it drawing, playing, dancing,...
I know I should try to get some interest going - but my mind feelsto overwhelmed to absorb new information.
I know I should do some self-care and try to relax and not feel pressured into doing anything specific - but here I am doing absolutely nothing and it just makes me feel even worse.
I know some of it is the depression speaking, and I know I'm too afraid of pain and what-if-I-fail to try suicide, but damn, I genuinely don't know why I'm here or what I'm doing or why I'm bothering to stick around and suffer or be miserable 90+% of the time.