So, I caved and got Football Manager 2013.
It's like crack, except with a 3D game engine this time. The level of detail you can go in this game is amazing.
"I want you to play as a forward, but not as any forward, I want you to play as a deep-lying forward, which means you link up between the midfield and attack, but feel free to roam when you want. Run with the ball when you can. Also, try shooting from long distance sometimes. You won't be attempting many crosses, but when you do, I want you to cross from the byline and aim for the far post.
When we're defending, I want you to close down all of our opponents all over the field.
For attacking free kicks and corners, you're up front, but when we defend free kicks and corners I want you to mark the opponent's tallest player, because you're good in the air. Also, you're going to be our primary penalty kick taker.
Finally, we've signed a new young forward, so I'd like you to mentor him and teach him the ropes."
I just gave all these instructions to Wayne Rooney, I kid you not.